Separation Anxiety, Please Help!

Hello S.,

I am a mother of 4 and a grandma to alomst 2. My newest grandson is due June 2nd :). I think most babies around this age go through this, I know mine did. My grandson lives with us as well as his mother right now, so he knows us VERY well. Yet, he still cries a little when his mom has to leave for work. It last about a full minute then it is over.
With my kids, I let them cry. I agree with what the other person said. What are you teaching him by running to him everytime he cries? Letting him cry a little isn't going to hurt him. On the other hand, your first comment *we drop our son off to these not so friendly people*. That I wouldn't tolerate! If you think they are unfriendly, then in NO WAY should you be placing your child with them. I would speak to the manager about getting better people in there, or move up in the lsit til someone listens. In the meantime, Find a relative or someone you trust to handle your son. Then GO work out, he will be fine.

Good Luck!

that is crazy!! It is time to move up the chain at the gym!! Next time if you drop him off you need to ask to see the manager and have him/her walk with you to the babysitting room, and VERY sternly tell him/her and the girls the situation and what you want done. If that does not fix the problem, then next is the district manager(*if it is a big chain gym*) if not, head right on up to the owner. If after that the problem is not fixed I would say I am quiting the gym with no financial penalty, due to the fact you can't bring your child and have them provide adequate correct care!

Hi,

I am a grandma and have raised eight children. Depending on how many kids the teens are watching and how mature the teens are, you may or may not be able to get them to cooperate with you. It sounds like your baby paged you. Since he has stranger fear he is probably not ready yet to be left with inexperienced sitters that he doesn't know. You might need to wait until he is older and more confident to leave him with the gym sitters. Be patient and hang in there. Babyhood is very short. --M.

I would talk with the owner or manager. I would let them know that if you cannot use the service because people will not follow your instructions, that you will take your business elsewhere.

Every child if different. I think he is just not ready to handle being around so much "unknown". At this stage in his life he is still learning to trust. My suggestion is that you and your husband work out at different times so he doesn't have to go to a room with so many unfamiliar faces. 8 months is really little- I wouldn't try it again until he's a toddler. I am never a fan of letting your child cry. What are you teaching him if you do this? I do understand your situation. I have 3 children very close together- I understand your want to do something with just your husband. But your baby has to come first at this very young age. Trust me- they grow up very quickly.

Honestly you should probally let him cry a little. If he is 8 months and you run to him every time he cries just because you are leaving. He will grow so attached to you you will have a four year old not letting you get any time to your self. And half n hour is not a long time to leave your son.( as long as you know he is in good hands). I know someone who had to put there kid in darecare when he was three because his mommy could not leave him with out him crying for the whole time and it took her a whole year almost to get him so let her go with out him crying for hours. I know it is hard to see your baby cry i have two. And i know some of what you go through my two year old will not let alot of people hold him ( including my husbands family) and i try not to run to him just because his family is trying to get to know him. He cries momma the whole time. And i try to let them calm him.

Quit doing that to your precious little boy! It is OBVIOUSLY to tramatic for him at such a young age. I wouldn't put my small child in the hands of uncapable teenage girls at any point in time.
If the reason your doing this is to "get him use to people", try a play date with other moms. Children of the same age tend to gravitate to each other. Or do you attend a church where you can sit in his class until he is confortable enough (may take weeks or months)....
There can be other options besides a gym.

S.....I understand your dilemma as a parent and a caregiver. I have 2 children of my own and run an in home daycare. My son was the worst with separation anxiety, we never let him cry for long periods of time, and now we regret it...he is very needy and NEVER sleeps through the night (he is almost 3!). Our daughter on the other hand we did let cry and she is very independent and sleeps all night long. As a caregiver, it is very hard for the parents when they first drop their children off to hear them cry. Eventually though as the children have gotten to know me, they hardly cry anymore and are developing independence. If I called the parents every time a child cried, I wouldn't be able to gain the childs trust. If you truly want your son to work through this anxiety, then you need to give him space. The girls at the daycare need to get to know him and vice versa. They need to learn how to calm him down without your intervention. Now if they are completely ignoring his crying, leaving him in a corner by himself or something...that is unacceptable...but if they are trying to calm him, then that is great. He needs to learn to trust others. I know how hard it is, but if you truly want him to work through this then you HAVE to let go a bit. I agree with maybe starting with a friend or family member, someone he knows...but if that is not an option then try to trust the girls...this is just my 2 cents...

How will running to his aid everytime he cries help him getting over his separation anxiety? By having them call you everytime he cries, you're totally defeating your purpose of putting him there to begin with. He'll never get over it, unless he has to.

But honestly, if the child care program doesn't respect your wishes, no matter what they are, you should probably find another solution. I honestly think you are going about this the wrong way. Find perhaps a family member, someone he is a bit more familiar with to begin with, and someone you can trust. Also, some playdates, where he can socialize with other children, but also know that you are still around. Once he feels more comfortable in group settings, he'll start to feel more confident on his own.

I know your first reaction as a mom is to go running as soon as you hear that little whine... I have worked in day cares and i can honestly tell you by running to him every time it makes it 10 times worse on him and you! but if you think the girls at the daycare arnt providing well for him then talk to their supervisor.

It's hard to leave them, especially when you're a new mom. You just have to remember that it is for his own good to gain independence. And you need some time to yourselves if you want to be the best parents you can be. You need some down time to be husband and wife, too. Your child needs to learn that mommy and daddy do come back, and the only way to show them that is to leave them for a while. Try dropping him off for a short time period at first (maybe 10 to 15 minutes). Add 5 to 10 minutes more each time until he is used to being okay with your absence. You do have to take measures to be sure they are in good hands. Don't feel bad about contacting the management and ask some questions about the caregivers and their qualifications to watch young children! It's your child, and he cannot be replaced! If he is crying when you drop him off, explain to the caregivers that you want to be notified if your baby cries for more than 10 minutes. If they do not honor your request, you need to contact management. If you still have a problem with dropping your baby off at the work-out facility, maybe grandma or another close friend or relative would be a better choice! That way, you would have peace of mind that your baby is being cared for by someone who loves him.

Honestly, if you're paying for it especially, I'd make it very clear that under no circumstances is your baby to be left to cry and that you are to be paged immediately. Their immediately may be different that yours, though. If they disregard your instructions (hey, this is YOUR child and they have no right to do that), then complain to the manager.

Is there any way you and your husband to take turns going to the gym, so your little guy isn't left with those people in the first place? My dh goes in the morning, and I go in the evening b/c our 17 month old is going through his second bought of separation anxiety. If I remember correctly, I think 8 months is pretty normal for the first bout. Then things get better for a while and for some reason they start to go through it again around 18 months.

He'll outgrown it soon enough, and then you could go back to using the gym child care if trading off works for you. Another suggestion might be having a friend with a little one going at the same time. Ds didn't care that his sister was with him in the child care. He still screamed and cried, and I couldn't leave him there until one morning my friend's little boy walked in, and suddenly nothing in the world mattered but him. Ds took to him right away and didn't give me a second thought! :*)

He's 8 months old. Like I said, he will outgrow this stage eventually. You could keep trying to drop him off, and if he seems upset, just try again the next week. One day he'll probably surprise you and go for a toy without worry. I'm 31, and I'm still not comfortable in a room full of strangers , so I imagine at 8 months old it would be a scary place, especially if they didn't attend to his cries the first time. But if he keeps getting introduced to them, maybe he'll get used to them and warm up to them in time.

I used to go to the gym during the day to use the child care facilities, but when I found ds crying uncontrollably (and our workers were trying to help him and were really nice, they just didn't come get me), I decided it wasn't worth it to me to work out if it meant putting him through that. That's when dh and I decided to trade off. Now, I can take him if the other little boy is there, but if he isn't I don't force the issue. Ds will be ready soon enough, and in the meantime it's more important to me to take his developmental stage and needs into consideration. HTH!

I can so sympathize. At our YMCA, they split up the kids by ages so my 23 month old doesn't get to be with her 7 and 4 y/o sisters. She freaks out and cries almost the entire time I go work out. It started around a year of age. She only does okay when her sisters are with her. We have a Y express that just opened up in which the daycare will allow the girls to stay together, so I try to go there. For awhile though I wasn't going at all. It's a phase and will pass, but unfortunately you might just have to wait for dad or someone you trust to be available so you can work out without worry.

i would highly suggest going to an alternative day care center or even have friends watch your child for short periods to get him used to being without you. those nincompoops were clearly not doing thier job if they can't follow such simple instructions and are clearly not what your family needs if they're not caring enought to pay attention.