I have an 11 year old and 9 year old, both boys. The oldest recently told me he wants his own room - he has always loved his privacy and down time by himself. However, his 9 year old brother is afraid of the dark and doesn't like to be on his own. I am torn, any suggestions?
The next few years is the start of when these boys will really develop their own areas of interests and become individuals. It's a good time to start them on that road by having them in separate rooms. The older one is nearly a teenager and the younger one is old enough to plug in a night light.
I wouldn't require your 11 year old to share to meet his brother's need. The 9 year old will need to adjust, let him use a light and keep the door open (hallway or hall bathroom light on). I would move the 11 year old out and let the insecure 9 stay in the familiar surroundings. I never considered whether my kids liked being alone or not, they are 4 years apart and opposite gender, we always had enough bedroooms. Even if they were closer and the same sex, I wouldn't have considered a share if we had enough bedrooms for each to have their own.
I know you want to protect your 9yr old from his fears, but it's not his brother's job to "take care" of him, after all, he's the brother, not parent. And I agree with a previous post that your older son may very well end up feeling like you care more for his brother than him, and perhaps quietly resentful of his younger brother.
I say give the 11yr old his own room (at 11, I say he IS ready for some privacy after all), and you work to make you younger son more comfortable on his own.
Put a low wattage bulb in a lamp with thick shade across the room from his bed (it'll be brighter than a night light but not so bright to keep him awake). Try leaving his bedroom door open at night. Maybe leave a couple small lights on outside his room as well, like a bright night light in the hallway and maybe another night light in the bathroom. Make it so he if has to get up at night, he doesn't have to be in the dark.
Also maybe some low-music left on at night for him, so he doesn't hear all the "bumps in the night" from wind, or creaking floors etc.
Give the kid his own room! Its not his fault his brother is afraid of the dark. He will outgrow it. Buy him a nightlight. Let him watch tv until he falls asleep and gets more comfortable on his own. You can't baby him forever and your 11 year old may feel like you care more about his brothers needs then his. They could always have sleep overs. I have 3 boys and my older 2 share a room they are 8 and 5 and I figured around that age my older boy would be sick of his younger brother so I will just move the baby into their room and the older one into the babys room.
If you have the space then go for it! Your oldest shouldn't be forced to share a room bc the younger one is scared. My boys loved sharing a room but my younger is a light sleeper so every time his brother moved it woke him up so we split them up. We let them both pick out new sheets or their rooms, got them each a small flashlight, my older was 8 and he was pumped it took a few days to get our 3 yr old happy about it.
If you have the space, I'd let the 11 year old have his own bedroom. He's not responsible for the 9 year old, you are. And really, the 9 year old needs to face his fear. He's old enough now to deal with this.
I have a 9 year old who is also afraid to be in his room at night. We tried everything to get him back in his room. What finally worked...we moved the dog's bed into his room and now the dog sleeps in his room every night. Now, he sleeps in his room every night without drama. : )
If you have the room go for it. Put an extra bed in the 11 year old's room though (rather the 9 yr old there than your bed:))....for his friends.
The 9 year old will eventualy be fine, your 11 year old once in his own room may discover it;s not all it's cracked up to be. Our 2 sons had always shared a room and they were very close, they are 3 years and 4 months apart, when we moved to Japan they 7 and 4 and we got a 4 bedroom house in housing so we decided to give our boys their own room, well every morning either our 7 year old would be asleep on the 4 year olds floor or our 4 year old would be a sleep on our 7 year olds floor so we put their bunkbeds back together in one room and made a game and computer room out of the other bedroom, you just never know, Your 11 year old needs to see for him self if this is really what he wants. J.
Do your boys get along with each other? Would the older one invite the younger one to "camp out" in his room once in a while? Of course, it would have to be at the invitation of the older boy, not the insistence of the younger one! And your nine-year-old would return the invitation.
Let your younger son think about what else (besides having his brother there) would be good for building courage in the dark. He may be old enough to have ideas of his own. I love Nicole M's dog idea (below), but maybe you don't have a dog. If a night-light isn't big enough to dispel the spookies of the darkness, I'd let him keep a bedside light on; I know there is a school of thought that one doesn't sleep well unless lights are out, but for a little while it's surely not going to hurt. I imagine it wouldn't be long before your boy wouldn't need or want it.
And, of course, both rooms have to become extra-special now, so get ready for some work and some expenditure! :^)
Give your eldest, his own room.
He is at that age.
He needs it.
the younger one will adjust.
Hello, I would give the oldest one his own room. I would allow the younger one to have a night light and leave his door open. It isn't a good idea to hold an older child back for the younger one. It can create resentment. Also, could you get one of the monitors where your son can talk to you if he gets scared? That might make him feel more safe in the dark. If you can afford it, maybe you could let them redecorate their rooms. That way, not only will the older one get to express his individuality, but the younger one can make a room which he can feel safe in. If you have a family pet, maybe the pet can share with the younger one. It is important to meet the older son's needs, and it is also important to make sure your younger one feels secure.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.
My vote is: separate rooms; nightlights.
Our girls always shared a room. In part, it was because most of our family lives at a bit of a distance and it worked for us to be able to invite them for the weekend, for dinner and a sleepover, whatever.
Partly, though, our kids shared a room because think it's an excellent way to learn how to cooperate with others, how to give in when needed, how to stick up for yourself, how to compromise and how to communicate (sometimes at great volume -- but they do communicate!).
Fortunately, their bedrooms are large enough that they can have their own space-- sort of. It takes a great deal of negotiating on their part -- and on yours-- but it can work and work well. Daughter #3 is home on her first college spring break and one of the conversations we've had is how she finds so many of her peers don't know how to live with another person. She, on the other hand, settled right in to life with a room-mate because she's walked down that road for years. And yes, all 4 complained many times how they wanted their own rooms.
Good luck. What works for one family will not work for every one.!
