Seeking Some Advice on How to Handle This

Hello Casondra,

Before you make an official report I think you need to try to handle it from within the family. Once the state gets involved things can turn ugly. Maybe that's the route you'll need to take eventually but you should try to resolve it first. The big player here is your husband. This are his blood relatives and since your MIL doesn't exactly like you than you're not going to have any pull. One question I had was if the little sister is 9 why would there be a urine smell? Is this from animals? I think you're husband needs to sit down with his mom and tell her what's up. Including if things don't change that he will take further action.
Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. You have every right not to have your child in that situation. And take into consideration that I'm a smoker. I have kids (well their big kids now) and my husband and I both smoke outside.
I think the suggestion to have everyone to your house is fine. Again.. DON'T WORRY ABOUT HURTING FEELINGS. If she CHOOSES to not come because it's not at her house then that's her choice. It's a sad one but still her choice. I think MORE people need to stand up for children and the adults need to just shut up and act like adults!
Good Luck Casondra~

Hi, I've had a lot of similar troubles with my future mother-in-law, except that we lived with her the first year of my daughter's life. I didn't want her smoking in the house, but it being HER house I didn't say anything (I wish I had but didn't want to deal with the fight which would have ensued). In-laws are tough, you want to do what's best for your children, but they don't always see it the same way you do. My fiance is the same as your husband, the few times he has ever stood up to his mother have ended in disaster. All you can really do is talk calmly and politely, hope she doesn't flip out, and if she does, end the conversation there and start your own family tradition. Good luck and happy holidays.

I think you really need to call CPS. and make a report, you dont have to leaver your name and they will go and inspect the house. make sure to tell them that it has never been this bad before and tell them that you just want someone to say something with out them know who its coming from. they will go and step in and set up all kinds of things to make sure she gets back on track

I am terriably sorry that you are going through this every year when this should be a wonderful time for you as a parent watching your children open their gifts not worrying about the environment they are in.
My fiance is the same as your husband but with his father. The one time he stood up to his father is was a mess. They have not spoken to each other for about a year and he doesn't even know that he has another grandchild. My advice to you is to have your husband go over and see for himself what is actually going on. He may even want to talk to her dr. and see if their is problem there. There may be and she just doesn't want to ask for any help! Having a dog I know about the pee and flee issue. It easy to clean, but you need to find out what caused it.
As far as his sister goes maybe she has problems. When my sister was little she still wet in the bed until she was about 8. The dr told my step mother that some children just have a week bladder and no matter is she went potty before bed she still wet in the bed. Not everynight but enough that you could still smell it.
I hope this helped a little. Try to enjoy this time of year because before you know it Santa will become a thing of the past and you will miss the expression on their face Christmas morning! Good Luck to you!

I think you guys need to do someting, if not for your own kids, but for your husband's little sister. Living under those conditions is not healthy, physically or emotionally. If the awful smell is a relatively new thing, maybe they just need it pointed out to them and they'll clean up their act... literally. Or, maybe if you boycott and offer to have Christmas at your house, maybe that'll open their eyes. It sounds like your husband is in agreement with you, so even if it does cause some friction, you two will be united. Let him do the talking, with you as back-up.
Goodluck!
P.S. I just read the response below from Theresa about notifying the school. I am an elementary school teacher. Let me assure you that schools stay out of children's home lives b/c we have to, not b/c we want to. We have to deal with insufficient parenting everyday the best we can in our building. We have no say in what happens once they leave our building... unless there's immediate threat of harm, then we can call DHS. It breaks our hearts to know that so many kids go home to deplorable conditions at night, but we only have the capacity and jurisdiction to do so much. Schools are not child protective agencies...even though we'd like to be sometimes. This was a TOTAL ranting aside... sorry!! but I just feel like telling the world that children are only at school for 6 hours out of 24 in a day. Schools are designed to give "formal" education to children...PARENTS are expected to raise, nurture, educate, and protect their children!
Whew. okay, I'm done!

I think it is great your husband sees this also and does not want it for his own family. i would just lay low and not go over. tell her, if you must, that you would like to strt to make your own traditions for the holidays and she is welcome to come to your house if she would like. it is a trciky situation with the little girl , my guyt tell me that you need to call social services, after al she is living in a non healthy environment and it is the duty of the parents to allow her to stay in a healthy environment. it doesnt sound like it is healthy especiallywith the smells you are describing and fleas which can lead to terrible sickness. perhaps you can get intouch with her teachers and see if thy can help you out perhaps send a note home, but sometimes schools dont like to get involved which is so sad because of law suits. i would stay put and bring the girl to your house as often as possible,

Hi Casondra, I have been in the child development field for 22yrs as well advising many single moms and many married moms. As far as your husband being the one to address his mom, It is important that he does let his mom know how the both of you feel and it's about what you want for your children I'ts not about her. I think inviting your inlaws to your house is the perfect soultion, if she does not accept the invitation I'ts because she wants control as she has had for years and it will be her loss not having time with her grandchildren. Having children changes the whole dinamics and being in that enviroment is sooooo not healthy for anyone!! That being said his mom has to relize her son has his family now and doesn't choose for his children to live as he did. She will eventually get over this if she wants quality time with her grandchildren. Try not to stress about it make it clear its for thoes beautiful children. Good lUCK!!! i hope you and your family have a wonderful THANKSGIVING! enjoy thoes little ones they grow fast.
Take care,
P. R

It's always hard dealing with the in-laws, and yes, that should be left up to your husband to stand up to them. However, he needs to make it clear, that it's not YOUR choice only, and that not going over there house is a decision the two of you made together. The health and well-being of your kids is more important than hurting anyones feelings, and in time they will get over it.
I've had similar problems, but with my own family. Both of my grandmothers complain that I never come over with my kids (Ages 9,7,4, and 1). Neither of their houses are childproof, and all one grandmother does is yell at the kids not to touch stuff, that clearly should not be in their reach. The other grandmother has a dog, that I don't entirely trust not to bite/nip the kids. I don't like the fact that she has to shut the dog in the back bedroom for me to come over to visit.
If your in-laws can't understand your reasoning for not wanting to go to their house, it will be their loss not seeing your kids. Enjoy your holidays under YOUR terms, and maybe someday, they will realize you are not being petty.
Whatever you do STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!!!!!!!DO NOT let them intimidate you, or they will continue to act the way they do.
Hope everything works out for you in the end, and have a happy holiday!!!

I have 2 major concerns after reading your letter.
first, being that the sister should not have to live in that environment, so i would echo the advice to call social services.

2nd, that your mother in law could be suffering from alzheimers or some mental illness or depression or something, that she would let her home go like that and live in that environment. its not healthy, physically or emotionally, so maybe she should see her doctor.

if you were going there for a few hours on the holiday, and she would clean for that, at least that would help the little sister some. i am concerned by the atmosphere in the home, and why its like that. please encourage your husband to talk to his mother and find out how she is feeling and the last time she went to the doctor. it just seems like something is wrong and she needs help of some kind. i don't know much about it, but i know there are places online you can read about depression and its symptoms, etc.

but,yes it is ok to start your own holiday traditions. post and let us know how it goes, wishing you a blessed holiday season.

your job isn't to make your mother /inlaw happy. you don't even need to explain yourselves. you just say we ahve decided to stay home for the holiday this year and we wanted to let you know so you're not expecting us. period. if she goes into a rant or whatever that is her drama not yours. she'll get used to it. asking someone to clean their house so you can come over is going to hurt feelings. avoid that and just say you are staying home and invite her at "such and such a time" to join them. Excuses are no good in this situation. If she says anything just say because we want to spend a holiday in our own home. I felt the same way with my mother she has depression and I felt depressed when i was around her so I would make excuses just the same to not be around her. now I've learned to not do that and she realizes now that I'm not going to give her an explaination for my decisions I am an adult. When I feel like I want to visit her I invite her over and if she invites me, and I want to, I go. your husband needs to do the same. good luck

Wow, wat a situation, it can be hard when your mother-in-law doesn't seem to like you. My sistuation is opposite, I'm from NC, but my husband and I chose to live in NH near his parents. I get along wonderfully with my mother-in-law, but she was my pastor before Erick and I really met, it is my family who doesn't like my husband all that much.
My family on the other hand, drink alot at family get togethers and my grandmother and mother used to bash my dad when I was smaller... I had to tell them that if they ever said anything about my husband or his family or my father's family in fron tof the girls thier time with them would be limited. It upset them for a few minutes, but then they calmed down and saw where I was coming from, I explained how it made me feel when I was little hearing all these bad things about my father and they understood and even said I was right.

Just a little advice, have your husband speak clearly about the issues and not beat around the bush, standing up to his parents can't be easy, but it sounds as if it is necesarey for your children as well as his sister.

Good luck, and we wish you the best of holidays!