Seeking Parenting Advice - Mc Minnville, TN

Different things work for different children. I know all too well, I have three kids, a 7 Yr old girl, and twin boys that are 6. Two of them have pitched tantrums and sometimes still do.
First, whatever the tantrum is about, don't give in, no matter what. Secondly I have three ideas for the tantrums. 1. As stated before, simply send him to his room, and let him cool off, and until he does cool off he can't come out (this works for my daughter) 2. Just grab him and hold on tight, talk softly to him, telling him to calm down until he does (works with my son) 3. Take away ALL toys, games, and TV, for at least one day, sometimes as long as one week. Allow him to play outside (or quietly inside w/out toys or games) and read, but that is it (This works quite well with both).
The last technique is extremely effective if they see their brothers/sisters playing and having fun, once I took away the trampoline as well as the toys and games, and he got to watch as his brother and sister playing on the trampoline, and he completely stopped tantrums for an entire month. Good luck, and hope this helps!

P.S. No matter what, don't let them see you getting mad or frustrated, it just feeds the tantrum (and I know it's hard! But you gotta do what you gotta do!).

This may be his way of seeking attention, or for crying out for help. If this is the case, try to give him a bit of extra attention, some one-on-one time, at various times throughout the day. Read a story to "just him." Give a hug to "just him." Let him help you make cookies or supper--even if it's just turning over the measuring cup after you've filled it w/flour.

Try to keep track of these episodes and see if there is a pattern to them--maybe it's right before mealtime or snacktime, and he's actually hungry but it's coming out as anger. Maybe it's when his siblings mess up his arrangement of toys.

Another thing that might help is to make sure he's sleeping enough. He may not need a nap, but might need some quiet time in his room w/o his older bro or little sis disturbing him. You could read him a story or something.

Is he having trouble communicating? or does he feel like he's not being "heard"? Sometimes little kids can have big ideas that they can't express because they don't have the big vocabulary, and it's frustrating to them. Maybe your daughter keeps knocking over his tower and he perceives that you just let her do that all the time and don't make her stop.

One other thing you can do is to talk to him and ask him why he is behaving like this. Don't go in w/an accusatory tone--pick a time when he's calm, and just ask him about those times when he is angry/upset/mean. Find out from *him* why he gets upset; ask him what he thinks may help him not get mad, or will help him get over it; ask him to think of some ways to be sad or upset w/o screaming or crying. Kids mature at different rates, and he may not be quite old enough to keep his emotions in check all the time. This is not an excuse for acting out in anger, but some tears may very well be allowable. If he's whining about everything all the time, that's a different story; but if he's an emotional little guy who "spills over" into tears when something doesn't go his way, that may be something milder. He may just need to be taught words or phrases to express himself, so he doesn't need the emotional release of tears. Or, he may just need to be spanked whenever he acts inappropriately.

You may want to look into sensory integration disorders and the autism spectrum. He may not have any disorder but he could be having difficulty processing all of the sensory information coming in (lights, sounds, tv, touch, dog barking, etc). When you see a fit coming on take him into a darkened room with all noise eliminated. Watch your response, talk in calm soothing tones. Try repeating a phrase like this is not an ok way to react, use your words to talk to me. If he is kicking and screaming and at risk of injuring himself or breaking things you can try getting behind him and bear hugging him. He will probably struggle but it can help calm a child down that has problems processing sensory info. It can take 30 minutes or more sometimes but it can help. I have two girls who are being checked for autism and these are some of the things that have helped with me. Overall you have to remain calm and not react which is the hardest thing I have ever done. HTH

Try the book 1-2-3 Magic..it works !!

Alot of times, children learn by example. Is there anyone in his life that he sees throwing a fit if they don't get their way, a kid next door, a kid in kindergarten, big brother? My doctor always told me that when they did things like that, that I was to ignore him and walk away. The hardest one that I had to deal with was in WalMart. It was so embarrassing. But I did it. I just stayed close enough to watch without him knowing. He finally realized that other people were watching him pitch a fit and I was nowhere to be found and he just stopped, came looking for me, sat in the buggy and was sad the rest of the trip. I never had another minutes problem out of him after that. Your son is 5 and alot of it is the age. Alot of it could have something to do with genes (maybe you or his father reacted that way when that age). I would try ignoring, walking away and letting him know that you are not putting up with it and go about your business whether it be pretending to talk on the phone, cleaning, cooking, walk outside for a second and close the door behind you, etc. If that doesn't work, I would ask my pediatrician. The only thing about asking a dr is that now days, depending on your doctor, it seems that everytime someone asks for the least little advice, the child is ADHD or autism or something like that and wants to give medicine and I don't agree with that. So be careful. I am sorry that you are going through this. Did you go through that with your 9 yr old at all? Every child is different. Just hang in there. I really think that he will grow out of it, some just take a little longer than others. Let me know how it turns out and if you find the answer.
Another thing:
Connie S. posted that he may have the
middle child syndrome. YES I totally agree
with that. I was a middle child and had that.
Just to let you know how I felt most of my
life: My oldest was the smart one and they
were always so proud of her. My youngest was
the baby and they were very partial.... still
partial to her and her children to this very
day. I never felt as loved and did have more
of "have to be more dramatic to get the same
attention". I never felt like I was loved like
the others. I agree that you should find XTRA
ALONE time with you and the middle one. And
try to over brag in front of him about him.
I don't think the others will notice but the
middle one does need a little extra dramatization
when it comes to putting him on a little pedestal.
Oh, I forgot about that. I so totally agree. And don't
ask why that is... it just is... I was a middle child.
Yes... try letting him know he is number one sometimes
without the others ones noticing or seeing.

Let me know how it goes.

sounds like you have the middle child syndrume
be firm with him, because he is 5 and he does know what he is doing.
middle childern seem to think that they are lost in the middle. you might also try a special time for just the 2 of you every week. good luck

I read what the others had to say and for the most part I agree. Take 1 tactic and K.I.S.S. (keep it simple silly).

I recommend the time out in a separate room, typically bedroom, and let him scream until he is weary. He will wear himself out for a while. Then he will need some reassurance. Hugs and kisses, soft talks about love and appropriateness of behavior, Mom.

Repeat until he realizes the pattern. 5 year olds are smart. Mine is and he has recently been acting up. Spankings are a last resort at my house, but if the shoe fits, give him something to scream about.

There is truth to the middle child syndrome and to how these kids (even grown ones) still feel. I was the youngest of 3 and I realize even now I have preference due to my status of being the last. My brother, the oldest got double preference because he was a boy and he was the oldest. My sister still acts like she needs to step into the stage lights. However, the youngest gets their own share of minimalism problems. They feel like no one is listening to them due to their late-comer status in the family. Treat your children equally. Its harder than you think.

Good luck!

What have you tried so far?

IF you've really tried everything, it may be time to call in the cavalry. We have a son who behaves similarly. I had read every parenting book I could find. We had taken him into counseling at Children's Hospital. Nothing seemed to help. I kept asking and looking for someone who could help us. I was finally referred to an awesome Christian Neuropsychologist who is helping us enormously. Especially if you have other children and you still think something is not right, don't stop until someone satisfies you. It makes all the difference.

This is going to sound messed up, but my husband is still like that. He stops, takes a deep breath, counts to ten, and then another deep breath. When our daughter acts like this, he has her do the same thing. It seems to work for her. This may help. Good luck.

My advice is similar to a previous poster - perhaps you need to stop trying "everything" and start trying just one thing. With my own children, I tell them, "It's okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit" (or kick, etc.). If it's yelling, I tell them to take it outside. Sometimes kids just need to yell angrily to get it out (like, "I'm so MAD!!!"...no name calling or rude words).

In our house, they're not allowed to "be with the family" if they're being rude, obnoxious, stompy, or otherwise unfun to be around. They can be that way in their room or in the time-out spot. I just remind of the rule and then tell them to go where they should go (time out or room). If they don't go right away, I drop whatever I'm doing and escort them. They can come out when they're ready to be nice, and sometimes that's in one minute and sometimes it's in 20. If they start up again, back to the room they go.

This has worked very well for my 4 y.o. and we've just started it with my 20 mo. old too. According to everyone, they're a joy to be around, well-mannered, kind, and "mellow". I attribute it in part to temperment but a lot to consistent discipline.

Oh, and it never goes away completely. There won't come a time when your child stops sulking, pouting, yelling, etc. That result is inhuman and that expectation would be unrealistic. :)

Did it start right before you had your daughter? He probably feels left out. I think I saw something on the Nanny shows and the parents had to make a special time for the middle child who felt left out of everything. Maybe give him special jobs to do in the house that are only his to do. Fluff it up and make him feel that more important. Especially in the everyday routines.
hope this helps. Like I said earlier this was something I saw on the Nanny show

R.,
My suggestion is to create situations in which your son does have control. This can be a BIG job and takes a lot of planning, but it is worth it to nurture your little man. Always offer a choice:
You may have a snack after you finish picking up your toys or you can wait until tomorrow for a snack.
You may wear your blue shirt or your green shirt.
You may choose your blue pants or your tan pants.
Would you like to go to the park or to the library?
If you can build some choices into your daily routine, and encourage him to make decisions, it will go very far with giving him a sense of control.
I hope this helps, I know it worked for me....
L. G

I suggest that you get a Bible for children - with pictures - and read some stories about God and why each person unique and that God will meet his needs and the God is merciful and loving... also it's very helpful when a child is out of control and angry to continue telling him to "use your words" - tell me what you feel...........

You should just ignore him, place him in a "safe place" where he won't hurt him self and and walk off. if he doesn't get a reaction out of you, or what he wants then he will calm down. After he calms down then sit him down and talk and tell him to use his words. That he can tell you anything even if he is mad at you, but he has to do it right, and maybe sometimes you can come to a compromise that will suit you both, but make him a part of the process.

Hi R.,

Sorry you are having such problems. This may sound mean but it really isn't. My suggestion would be to fix a room up that has nothing in it that he could not break anything or hurt himself. Next time he does this, put him in this room and tell him to stay there until he calms down. Then walk away. Do not say anything more to him. If he comes out of the room, quietly put him back into the room, do not close the door fully, just partially so he can see you walk away. This will take a while but he will eventually get the message. If you keep changing your tactics, he will know if he keeps it up he can get to you. Stick to one disciplinary action, it may take months. If he does come out, let him see you reading a book or doing something the two of you, or your whol family would enjoy together. If he sees you doing that you can expect one of two things, either he will throw another fit or realize that if he calms down he can join you. The key is to make him beleive that he is not getting to you and you are ignoring his tantrums. He will eventually get the idea. Keep in mind it will take time. If you think you have tried everything else and may have already done this suggestion, then go to a behavior specialist/counsilor, you can talk to your pediatritian about that.

Good luck.

E.

My daughter was a real drama queen... sometimes she still is. What we found that works for her is we would say, "If you want to have a fit, fine. But, you have to go to your room until you calm down." There were days when I would have to carry her to her room. If she came out crying, I would send her back "until you can stop crying and calm down." (Oh, and we never even closed the door.) She wanted to control the situation by having a fit but realized that she can't control anything if she is in her room. The tantrums have faded to almost nothing. (We have been doing this for a year.)