Parental Tantrum Response

When my kids scream inconsolably, I simply tell them that I will talk to them when they are finished screaming, and then I ignore them. Even if my daughter is right next to me screaming, I refuse to acknowledge her in anyway (usually I'll look at stuff on the web while she's screaming or something like that), though I'll occasionally remind her that all she needs to do is stop screaming to get my attention. Eventually she stops. My rule is that if you start screaming about something, you aren't going to get what you want, and my older kids know that, even if they can't always remember it in the heat of the moment. My 2yo is learning it, slowly.

You should establish a time out for her when she behaves in this manner. Keep her in time out until she's finished with the crying - this area should be away from the family and "action" of the house.

After she has calmed down she can come out of time out and you can discuss her behavior on a 2-3 year old level.

She will learn very quickly she does not like the isolation as well as understand these types of tantrums are not acceptable behavior.

Sounds just like my grandson at that age. Stop attending to the tantrums or you will be still dealing with a powerhouse of explosions at 8.
If she starts a meltdown over nothing, leave or have her leave. Tell her that you cannot stand that noise and she has to go upstairs until she can express herself calmly. Walk away. Do not give them any value, believe me, it only gets worse. Read the Explosive Child, by Greene (I think). This is the beginning. If you let her know that she is not the center of the world and every little thing that does not go as she planned is not a major issue NOW, then you won't be dealing with it later.
I wish I had been around more often to nip it in the bud for my grandson. He has suffered greatly because of his very kind and soft hearted parents didn't see that they were sowing seeds of "little emperor". Trying to fix it after the fact is really, really hard.
Good luck.
K.

Wow...reading your post is like reading about my own 2-1/2 year old. More often than not, her tantrums right now are about me not understanding her or trying to "help" her do something.

I believe that the best thing is to ignore these little outbursts. When the tempest has passed, I simply tell her that it is not okay to scream and cry; and that if she wants to help she needs to ask. I've also always taught her about "mommy (daddy)" jobs and kid jobs. It is an easy reminder that some things are for moms and dads to do and she can help with other things.

Children this age are INCREDIBLY task oriented and sensitive to changes in the schedule/routine. They can become fixated on completing something and their reaction is visceral. The ability to reason is not yet fully developed.

Kids are resilient. You likely don't need to worry too much about adding to the problrm...unless you feed it by giving the tantrums too much attention.

Hi, When one of my kids has a tantrum, we say "please go to your room and you can come down when you are calm". If they want to play with toys and that calms them down than that's good. We use another place for a time out when it was a consequence. (like if they hit their sibling). My kids would stay in their room for a few minutes and then quietly come back and say they were sorry and we would talk about it. This worked for us. My kids are older so at 3 maybe she won't go to her room alone. So, I would at least completely ignore her tantrum. Any conversation is a reward to her for the tantrum. Just say "We will talk to you when you calm down" and then stop. Good luck.

The best way to nip this in the bud is to say "if you can not say what you have to say in a nice way then you will have to go to your room or time out or whatever." The deal is they have to be removed from getting any attention. Ya'll going on and on trying to talk to her is just feeding it. She should be immediately removed from all attention unless she can say it in a nice way. I had friends who did not deal with this tantrum, screaming kicking thing and they had their kids still doing it at 6 and 7 yrs old. Our rule, actually it was my husband who initiated it and I love him for it, was no whining, screaming etc. Everything in our house had to be discussed in a respectful tone or you had some time to yourself to get yourself together and then you could come out and tell us in the right way. We did not listen to anything not said in a respectful tone. They would go in their room till they got "better" and then they could come out and say it made me angry when you did such and such and then we would talk about it, but not when they are pitching a fit. This worked great and we did not have the disrespectful teenage thing either. Be strong.

My 2 1/2 yr old does the same thing. I may ignore her for a bit, and then I tell her something like, " I understand that it can be frustrating for you when... and if you need to cry for a little while you can do so in your room. I can't let you scream in here though because it is hurting my ears." Sometimes she will magically stop and say, " I feel better now." Sometimes she will voluntarily go to her room, and sometimes I will calmly pick her up and put her in there. We have a gate on her door, and I tell her that she may come out when she has calmed down and is ready to use a calmer voice. After she is done, I try not to discuss it too much with her. Because it is a normal developmental milestone, and something that she will grow out of on her own, I feel that giving it much attention will only create a situation where she uses tantrums to get attention. When she calms down I might say, " I am glad you are feeling more calm now. Would you like to play with...colors/puzzles/blocks... now?" Good luck!

Let her do as much as possible at home on her own! Sounds like she wants to be independent. Maybe next time, you could just help her hand the milk over instead of just taking it from her and doing it yourself. I would for sure pay no attention top tantrums until she is done and can listen to what you are saying. If she can talk well then you can explain things to her if not a short a sweet to the popint explanation will do fine, she won't understand all the long talks. If most of her tantrums are "I do it by myself" ones, let her!! She needs to learn, even if it means spilling something. Just help her don't do it for her. She might suprise you and can do things more on her own than you think!!

THe one thing that I know is that a child stop throwing a tantrum is when they are tried. My child is now 29 years old. But back when she was 2 a tantrum was every now and again, But on one of these days my husband was home. When she started the tantrum he look at his watch. Me I was just going to put her up and put her in her room but he stop me. He kept looking at his watch and of course I knew he was just crazy. But when stop stop and was exhausted he told her to start again. He time this one and he let her stop when she had spent the same amount of time as the first one. THe next time she decide to have a tantrum I did the same thing as my husband. The third time this happen I just look at my watch and her and said ok. She saw time and stopped. She has never a one since.

You have to teach her to use her words (based on her vocabulary). This will take awhile but unless you teach her the right behavior, the wrong one won't stop. This goes for everything. When she wants something she needs to ask using her "big girl words" and learn that she will NEVER get what she wants unless she requests appropriately. If she throws a tantrum, you can either ignore or put her in her room until she calms down. Also if you the tantrums don't decrease as she gets older, I would talk to your pedi if you feel this is more than what is age appropriate.
Kudos to you for being a stay at home dad-you guys don't get the respect you deserve! Good Luck!
L.

Hi S.,
I just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing a great job with your little girl. One of the hardest things about being a parent is remembering that our children's reactions to situations are almost always developmentally appropritate to whatever stage of childhood they are in. So, as maddening as that temper tantrum is to us, it is normal for the child and something she has to do in order to move past it and continue normal development. Probably the 2nd hardest thing to remember is that we parents, as the adults in the relationship, have to be mature enough not to respond in kind to that tantrum. It sounds like you are doing exactly that, and I commend you for it! The worst thing you can do is yell and scream at your child. That only teaches that the tantrum-like behavior is the appropriate response to a situation we don't like. It sounds like you and your wife are keeping your cool and letting the tantrum burn itself out, which is exactly what you should do. Some children are more prone to these outbursts than others--it is just a personality thing--and you simply have to ride it out. Of course, if she begins lashing out and hurting herself or others, then you have to take steps to keep her and those around her safe. But if she's just screaming and crying, it sounds like you are handling it the best way possible. Keep up the good work! :-)

Dear S.,
God bless you and your ears, My husband and i have a little girl exactly a year older than shayla and i regret to report that we are STILL dealing with these at our house! I'm not going to give you some miracle advice bc obviously i haven't discovered the trick yet either...All i know is that the tantrums get worse as the kids get bigger and louder, and what is semi acceptable at 2 will get you dirty looks and make you feel like a crappy parent at 3. So my advice is to handle it now, because my husband and i looked over some things then and chocked it up to terrible two's and now we are sorry we didn't nip it out then! Good luck and hang in there!

If she wants to help let her, she can have a calendar of things everyday that she needs to do.

empty waste baskets pick, up room, help wash dishes, set table,make her snack,read a book, etc.

At the end of each day she can get a reward for the help and good behavior. What you give her is up to you. Coloring books,small package crayons,hair bows, pretty socks, paint her finger nails one day and toe nails another.
Good luck

Here is what worked for me. When these "impossible" situations came up, I told the child that she or he must be tired and they could rest in bed until they felt better. It always worked and I am not sure why, but the funny thing was they often fell asleep so maybe they were just tired.

Our three year old son often woke up grumpy in the morning and would come into the kitchen crying. One day I gave him a hug and told him to go back to bed until he could come back into the kitchen with a smile on his face. It took less than two minutes for him to make the trip back to his room and come back with a smile and he never came into the kitchen grumpy again. Lesson learned, I guess.
Best wishes to you.

Our preschool has a child/family therapist come in for free parenting seminars and she also writes periodically for our blog. Here's one of her articles on tantrums that should help with 3 yr old. Good luck!

http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/wp-admin/po...

Where does she have these tantrums....in your presence so you can see how unhappy she is? Whan she had one, for any reason, put her in a spot away from you where she cannot see you but you can keep an eye on her. Why have a tantrum if there's nobody there to witness it? Don't send her to her room because that's where the toys are. I always found the middle of the hallway or the corner of the dining room to be good places. If isolation doesn't work, set a clock where she can see it and give her a certain period of time to have her tanturm. When the time is up the tantrum should be over. If not, then it's punishment time for disobeying.

One thing I have learned from going through the same thing with my 3-year-old son is that the only thing you can control is how YOU react. When he does this, I get down on eye level, tell him to take a deep breath and use his big boy words because I can't understand him when he is crying. I then ask him if he is hurt - because we cry when we are hurt, not when we are mad. If that gets me nowhere, then he gets escorted to the time out chair and he gets to stay there until he is ready to use his big boy words to talk. When we do talk, I repeat back to him what he said and then we agree on how we can do it better next time. I highly recommend Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" and Hal Runkel's "Scream Free Parenting." At a minimum, you will hear from dads who are professionals and who have been in your shoes.

Hi S.,

Way to go for loving your family enough to be a Stay-at-Home Dad. It's great to hear you love doing it.

It is quite typical for children Shayla's age to get frustrated when things don't go exactly as she wants. Loving her enough to teach her how to deal with these emotions can be a challenge.

When she gets upset, she is not ready to talk at length about what's got her upset. A good approach to try is to "extinguish" it by paying her as little attention as possible. Tell her you can't understand her when she talks in a whiny or even screaming tone. If she is old enough to be sent somewhere to calm down, do it. If not, make sure she is safe and leave her to deal with it. Tell her you'll be happy to do whatever (talk or play or let her get her milk, etc.) once she is ready to use her Big Girl Voice and Manners.

She'll figure out real fast that this type of behavior does not get her anything. Once she has calmed down, you can then talk about other things she can do the next time she gets upset - help her brainstorm and choose something to try.

Acknowledge all the progress she makes - no matter how little each time. This will help her (and you) recognize that she is growing up and getting better at handling frustrating situations.

With your loving guidance and that of your wife, you can help your daughter get through this stage.

Good luck!

Parent Coach J. B

Hey S.. Read through some of the responses, very different views, but all very good points. I think it depends on your child as to how hard to come down on the behavior. Tantrums are definitely not an acceptable way to express her anger. Whether it is a firm verbal oh no you are not going to that, time out in chair or a bedroom, or a spanking, find the one that nips it for YOUR child. Also, teach your child appropriate ways & words to express their displeasure. WE ALL get upset sometime. That is life; things in life don't always go our way or how we expect. Must learn to deal with it, appropriately. She is two and learning to assert herself. As concerned parents you'll get her there, the best way for your child. Best of Luck!!

I'm so glad I'm not the only one going through this. This morning my son wanted to get the cinnamon rolls out of oven. He excitedly got his oven mitt on, then got distracted. When my husband got them out, my son went ballistic. Then my husband asked if he wanted to put the icing on..he was still screaming and said no. My husband then iced all but two of the rolls. Son calms down some and then wants my husband to take the icing off of the rolls so that he can do it and proceeds to start his fit all over again. It was totally ridiculous. We ended up putting him on the time-out chair until he calmed down. We told him that we could see that he was upset but that behavior is not the way to get what you want and left it at that. I figure the kid is trying to figure out how to deal with and express his anger/frustration/disappointment. We just try to give him the words after it's all over with.

with girls--melt downs are going to be common. and then all you can do is let them cry and get over it.

what you could have done that would have made her feel better is to actually put the milk BACK in the fridge and let her give it to mommy. THEN she would have been satisfied. yes its pointless after the fact--but it would have made her feel better.

Oh, S.! So nice to hear that I am not alone. We dealt with this for 2 long years. If things do not play out the way our son had it planned in his head, the tantrums were severe and long. Now that he is 5, things have improved TREMENDOUSLY!!! ...but not entirely. Although, it started around your daughter's age and went on until about 6 months ago. I really thought there was something wrong with him because it didn't seem as if anyone I know had kids who went through this. We would send him to his room to calm himself. We quickly learned there was no sense in trying to talk to him on the spot. He literally could not hear us because he was so worked up. We would go and get him after it seemed he had been calm for a full 10 minutes. Many times, he was still so angry and frustrated that he would hold grudges and so we'd just leave him in his room. We would go back and "try again" until he was ready to kiss and make up with us. Sometimes we would let a couple of hours pass before talking about what happened. Here's what we would say, more or less.... (ex: I know you wanted to get the biscuits out of the oven by yourself but the buzzer went off and you didn't come when I called. They would have burned. Next time, you need to come to the toaster oven right away. Or, sometimes, I would forget that he told me he would like to pour the milk. I'd forget and pour it on accident. Later, I would just tell him I forgot and made a mistake but explain to him how to properly express his frustration....with words. I thought it would never change. All of this for 2 years and it seemed as if he would never learn how to handle his emotions. Fortunately, it doesn't look like that's the case. :) ha-ha. Now that he is 5 and I have discovered "who he is," I know now that he is just a very strong willed and independent little boy. He still wants things his way and on almost a daily basis, we experience at least once scenario where we have to teach that the world doesn't revolve around him. The one thing I can recommend is to remain unemotional when you are feeling very frustrated over her behavior. I have to admit that there were many of times my frustration showed; I think he just fed off of that and it was very hypocritical of me to get frustrated and tell him that's not how he should handle himself! I'm sure we'll have to go through this again with our youngest (maybe we'll escape it...ha-ha). I won't worry as much next time, just be a matter of fact. Good luck!!

Hi S.,

My same age son does this, too. We take him to his room and lovingly tell him that we just want to help and if he wants to talk about it, we'll be happy to talk about it, but we won't listen to him cry about it.

We tell him that when he stops crying, we'll come hug him. We leave him in his room with an unconditional, "I love you and I can't wait to hug you when you're done crying." He usually cries for another 60 seconds. When we hear it subsist, we mindfully come back in (keeping our promise!) and hug him. He usually has forgotten the whole subject or decides to change it at least.

It works for us. I'm more inclined to just get frustrated because his behavior is so illogical. My husband suggested this approach and I think it's a lot better.

Good luck to you!

You and I seem to have little girls with similar personalities - C gets upset over disruptions in our routine that I didn't even know were part of it! (ie, getting out the plate BEFORE asking what she wants for breakfast, instead of the reverse...)

Anyway, we have two ways to deal with tantrums. Some of them, the only thing is to tell her to please go to her room and scream there, but not in the living room or kitchen. These are the "willful" tantrums - throwing a tantrum because she didn't get something her way. But sometimes, we get tantrums because, through no fault of her own, C is a little cranky and just can't hold it together (maybe we had an event and missed naptime, or lunch is late, or we have relatives in town and she's just met too many strangers today - whatever). For these, we try to help her keep it together by breathing and counting - deep breath in, count out loud on the exhale. It usually works to get up to five deep breaths; we've only needed to get to ten twice. C will now start breathing and counting on her own every once in a while. She's three 1/2. Hope this helps.