Seeking Moms with 12 Year Old Girls Who Think There Grown

The moody part is normal. That is hormones.

Open a line of communication. There is an idea that I use with my 14 year old daughter. We purchased an inexpensive diary type book. It is only for our use. When she has something that she doesn't understand or need to know about. She writes and puts it under my pillow. I respond and put it under pillow. It should help the two of you to communicate better.

Always start a conversation about her attitude with these words "It makes me feel..." (That is borrowed from Dr. Phil.) She needs to know how her rudeness affects you.

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Well, I have a 17 yr old dd. She is moody, rude and disrespectful because you allow her to be. I really think this behavior is from lack of discipline. Yes, she is getting hormones etc but, that doesn't allow someone to act that way. If I was to get attitude or as much as a look I would take away everything. Dr Ray calls it black out. If you don't allow it, she won't do it! She is a child and you need to put her in her place! :)
Mary Beth

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I understand completely where you are coming from! I also have a 12 yr. old girl with the same issues. I understand that most of it is hormones and trying to fit into the "tween" era. Trying to find their independence and chipping away a little more at the apron strings, so to speak. But in the mean time, it is so hard to deal with all the drama (and I mean drama!!) and disrespect! I just try to show her self control by not falling into yelling back or pitching a tantrum with her. Showing her I am the rock she can still come to, (not the falling apart unstable mom that makes her feel even more unstable!) Believe me, like I said, I TRY!!! I often fall into pitching the tantrum with her! I try to stay consistant with the discipline. She, as I'm sure you daughter does as well, knows the rules, and the boundaries. We just have to remind them, as in my case, hourly!! (LOL!) Good luck with your daughter, I just wanted you to know you're not alone!! I also am looking forward to seeing other suggestions from other moms as well!!

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In the famous words of Bette Davis.."Fasten your seatlbelts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." I have 4 children on the other side of 12 and let me tell you that is a modern day miracle right there my friend. ALL of them went through some sort of possession when they hit that age & I woke up wondering where my sweet, compliant, well-behaved children disappeared to. These were worse than POD PEOPLE.

It's an awkward time for them, their bodies are going through all sorts of changes both physically and emotionally. Often they don't understand it themselves, why they feel crabby, irritable, crying a lot, small things send them rocketing to the moon...it can be scary for them as well. And they usually sleep more, or want to it seemed.

My advice is set some ground rules about what is and isn't acceptable. Let them know you understand how they feel but just the same, they aren't allowed to disrespect you & lay out for them what exactly that means to you...they also seem to lose a few brain cells along the way. LOL.

Most of mine went through this for roughly 2 years (oh Lord I just heard you faint) and then they were back to themselves. I had to use my filter, as my 18yodd would say, because let me tell you, they know where to push that button of mine that awakens the beast within and I could've let my tongue loose on them, but I didn't. And that's a good thing because words are very hard to get past and you don't want to say anything in your frustration that will come back to hurt them when it's all settled down. Choose your battles wisely.

Here is a link with some great tips on it: http://www.webmd.com/content/article/72/81674.htm

Good luck & know that this too shall pass...and with enough booze it'll be fun (teasing!).

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I know what you feel A., but I had a trick for my daughter....tough love and tough lessons. If she refused to listen to me, I refused to listen to her. I let her know that she would need my help in something she wanted before I needed her help. I do not allow any closing of doors in my house because I am grown, mom, and can do that. Once I feel she has the discretionary ability to decide when to close her door and when not to, maybe I'll allow it again. But, I will not allow her to close her door which was when we had an argument. Closing of her door did not help the situation but closed me out and put up a wall between us. When she did not listen, I threatened to take the hinges off the door which would leave her with no door at all. It was her choice. She made the right one. I talked with her and let her know that I would agree to explain myself and decisions to her to a degree when necessary, and she had to remember that I am the mother no matter happens and will be respected. Our relationship has gotten much better as she continues to get older, and the arguments and her feeling like she is grown has lessened. Hope this helped a little.

A.

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Hi A.,

Girl I felt your pain a few years ago! My daughter was the same way and she will tell you to this day that "My mom did not like me when I was 12.. at all!". I think you have to continue with your normal disciplinary actions and rules however throw in some understanding that she is at a time of major changes.. physically and emotionally. She's not a child anymore, however she's not quite a teenager either. Maybe do some extra mom and daughter outings together and talk with her about how she is feeling and what's going on in her life. Remind her that you were that age and how you related to your mother.. that you understand what it's like to be her age. I believe kids think that we have been grown ups forever and have no clue what it's like to be a kid. You will make it through and you will be suprised that one day soon she will become this easier going young lady that you enjoy being around. Good luck!

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I have a almost 13 yr old son who is this way also. Friends who have older children say this is a stage, something they go through, blah blah.... It may be a stage but that doesn't mean you have to accept this behavior in it's utmost rage or form. We have put together a chart for our son. Chores and such, we put down the rewards and the punishments, this way there is no shades of grey in this process. It has helped quite a bit, only been doing it for a month so we'll see. We also try to approach things at a calm state otherwise they are not hearing you. Our son has also started writing down what his issue(s) are for that day and the hubby and I read them later and when he wants to talk about any of them he knows he doesn't have to explain them only talk it out! I wish you luck just stay consistent!

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I think a little more information would be highly helpful. Is she behaving in school? Does she have new 'friends'? Is her sleep/wake cycle disrupted? Have you moved? Is her father present in her life? Does she go between sweet child and cranky teen or remain in cranky teen mode most of the time? Is she rude to other family members? Does she follow house rules?

Knowledge of these types of things would be helpful in order to give meaningful advice.

Feel free to email me directly if you like.

:)

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My son is 29 now, and he has recently been working in a posiion with teenagers for the first time in his life. He made a point to call me and tell me, "you were right about teenagers." It made my day. When he was 14 and developing his own adult personality, it was really going the wrong way. I was a single parent, couldn't watch him 24 hrs a day, but I got horrible reports all the time from those who were watching him. He was disrespectful, unruly, and broke every rule he could as often as he could because those 8-11 hrs a day I was at work, he knew I could do nothing. When I found things in his room that shouldn't be there, I took his bedroom door off and told him he did not deserve privacy and he would have to prove he deserved it before he could have his door back. I mean, I took the door away from my home, no where for him to see. This definitely hits the nerve in any teenager I'm sure...no bedroom door. I couldn't work and wory about him though and within a couple of months, enrolled him in a boarding school. He needed all day supervision which I simply couldn't do. I have to say I was worried about him endangering his own life though, trying drugs, being totally wreckless, etc. He was there 2 years and it was the best thing I ever did for him. He has even told me that since. He grew up, moved out and got his own apt. at 18, moved back in one year later when he lease was up because he was waiting the 30 day closing date of his first home at 19. He bought his first new car at 20, one year later. That boarding school really made a difference and it may seem like a easy way out for me, but it wasn't. It was expensive, I had to move my son 400 miles away from home, only picked him up once a month for weekend home visits. The stabiltiy that school gave him was nothing I could do as a single parent. I often say, it's ridiculous that you can write off child care up to the age of 12, when at the age of 12 is when you really need to watch your kids because of all the dangers out there and the lack of control teenagers possess. Good luck.

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Set some limits now why you still can. Also set an example. Many of the kids I encounter who have a rude disposition and bad attitude well when I talk to their parents- its as if I'm talking to that child. Nots saying you are...spend time with your daughter and find out what interests her. Does she have a boyfriend? Do you like her friends?- Her attitude could also be learned from them. What is she like in school-ask her teachers they'll tell you. My main point is you have got to establish appropriate ways to speak to you because it will only get worse as she gets older. GOod luck and I hope my advice helps.

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are you consistent. children love stability!! dont always act like it, but they do. dont try to be her friend. she has enough at school. you make sure you are the parent. no means no , do it means do it, so on. easy to say i know!! you will have to take control of your own habits & be strong for yourself in order to try to control your 12 year old.
are you rude to her? are you moody too.
you have to remember she is trying to find her spot in life. to old to play with dolls to young to drive. this can all take a toll on her.

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You need to call her school and talk with the Guidance Counselor and tell her of your fears and worries. Ask her if they have any group counseling that she could invole your child in. In mosst cases all school should have one, but if they don't the counselor should be able to talk with her and get some insight on what;s going on with her. It might just be a lot of peer pressure. Hope things will work out.

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A.! LOL, sorry but i had to chuckle. I have "inherited my sisters 11 year old and 15 year old girls. I have only boys! So here is what i am doing. Watch every move they make. No friends that are "emo" or "gothic" If you don't take her to church -i would start,it really helped these girls! And I go everywhere they are going. If you give an inch they take a mile! Don't let her back talk. People will tell you she is going through a stage, well she is but, most things are learned by watching or hanging out with other people. You right now are NOT her friend-literally. You are her parent and guardian. It depends on you to make her a "good" girl. Don't give up and make sure you stand FIRM,she will not give in and neither should you. I am also speaking from experience because i was one of those girls. My mom gave up on me real quick becuase i was strong willed-majorly! So i ended up preg. at 16 and def. not ready for a child , but here he came and i was all alone. my family moved away and it was just him and i. Man was it ruff, i was an angry mom, and i sure regret it. Be loving but firm and stand firm even though she will cry , wine,do mean things,even to herself maybe.Punish her and stick with it everytime she smart mouths you, and i hope you are not afraid of her,i sure would not be. You are the mom,she is the child.I don't know if you work or not,if you do, put her with someone that will really keep an eye on her and make her be respectful. Be respectful to her as much as you can but be firm at the same time. Tell her you will not tolerate her behavior! and there will be consequences for it! make a list of her favorite things and start there,it will take awile start now! in a couple of years she will be worse!! SHe is testing you. prove her by being a good nurterer and mother. how did you act when you were that age. And one more peice of advice , make sure she is getting proper nutrition- fresh fruits , veg, nuts, grains, beans. No tv,unless it is "nice" tv.It is very important during her beginning hormone years. Cut out dairy--they have added hormones,steriods(behaviors) and antibiotics. By organic or soy or rice! remember you are in charge!

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I'm right there with you. I also have a 12 year old daughter who thinks she is 20 and wanting to do adult things. She too is VERY disresectful towards me. It's very draining on the family and on your mental wellbeing. Everyday on my way home I wonder what will be the topic of our arguing for the night. I did find an excellent book entitled, "I'm not mad, I just hate you." It is about the daughter-mother conflict that seems to rear it's ugly head around the age of 12. I highly recommend the book. I'm a quarter of the way through it right now and I find myself relating to a couple of the women in the book. There are a couple of girls that when I read about them, it sounds just like my daughter.

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this nightmare. I would just like to know how long it's going to last.

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I'm going through a bit of the same scenario, although my daughter is 15-soon to turn sixteen. Right now, I'm feling it's a teen phase. I'm pretty sure I acted the same way. But, I was never disrespectful- so I would have to check her on that. I would just talk to her and let her know what is expected of her and that she should always have manners.If her mood gets too out of hand-taking away phone or any other priveleges is what I would do until she got the hint. I would sit her down and have a talk with her first.

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Hey A.,
I feel your pain, my stepdaughter was horrible when she was 12! It's something about those puberty years that they just give you all the hell they can. First, anytime she is disrespectful to you, you need to confront that at that very moment; don't give it any cool down time. Make sure she is clear on what you found was disrespectful, and then make it very clear that it is not acceptable. Next time she asks for something (money, clothes, privileges, etc) tell her NO and then explain that she is not having her wish granted because she was disrespectful at such and such time. If she doesn't ask for anything, then start taking some items away. Her favorite CD, radio, TV, computer, whatever it is that she likes. And don't forget 12 is not too old for a child to get a visit from Mr. Belt!! Good luck!

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37 year old Mom with 11 year old, one year behind you, but with same attitude. Mine is getting better, here's what I did. Sports. She always has a sport or two, and goes to sweat at least 3 times a week. Sometimes the high from a basketball game can last 24 hours!! And on the soccer field, there is no worrying about hair, clothes, etc. Just getting away from it all a couple hours at a time helps, calms down the hormones, or something.
The other thing is allowance and chores. She gets her age,11, every week for allowance. Which is alot, I think. It automatically goes into a savings account at INGDirect.com which earns 4%, and she can look it up, check her $, and see interest she earns for saving. I buy her very little myself, only birthday and Christmas.
I work from home, so all day I see stuff I don't have time to do. I have a dry erase board, during the day when I find things, even cleaning out the fridge, and putting away my 3 year olds clothes, I put it on the list. She looks at it, and does it every day when she gets home. She knows she can buy an ipod with her own $, and she already has enough now. The funny thing is, now that it is her own $, she's not sure she wants to spend it all on that. Good luck!

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Sorry to say it only gets worse as she gets older. If you are like me you remember how you were at that age and probably some of the things she is saying to you, you thought of but were too afraid to say them to your mom. Unfortunately it is a right of passage for teenagers whether boys or girls to lash out and try to find the boundries. Ask her teachers and other parents that are around her when you are not around. My daughter is alot like yours and when she is not with me she is as good as gold. All of her teachers and parents say how sweet she is how helpful and just down right nice. If they are that way in public than i feel it is our price to pay with the nasty stuff at home.

if your daughter is involved with activities let her know in no uncertain terms that those activities will be taken away if behavior does not improve. that helps a little at my house.

Good luck!!!!

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Hi A.,
The only reason I'm responding to this is because I've been preparing myself for the same problem with my two daughters, who are 8 and 5. I remember when I turned was about 12, I changed from a sweet, caring, laid-back child to a very angry , moody young lady with a bad attitude. It was my hormones, of course, but I had wait to figure that out until adult-hood. My mother had no idea what to make of it, as she never had any hormonal issues and my brothers just thought I'd gone insane.
Sometimes, the intense changes going on in a girls mind and body are too much for them to cope with, emotionally. To make matters worse, there are very strong factors in our environment and food supply that make womens estrogent levels higher than they should be.
Parameters must be set, for your daughters own discipline and protection, but some good information about what's going on could be very helpful. I know when I suffered through that I thought I was going crazy. Love, information and understanding can help you and your daughter cope with this uneasy time. Also, you might want to add soy products to her diet, as soy is a natural progesterone, to help counter those estrogen surges and try to use hormone free meats.
I hope this has been helpful. I've never written to Mamasource, but when I saw your letter, it really struck a note. I have very sad memories of being rude and disrespectful to my family and I wish my Mom and I knew then what we know now.

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Frankly, your 12 yr old girl would be a little 'odd' if she weren't mouthy, arrogant and challenging! Maybe you're a mild-mannered gal who didn't go through that stage, but it is 'normal'.

She doesn't need you to be 'understanding' so much as she needs to know that there are FIRM boundaries as to what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior (and 'what're you gonna do about it?').

I suggest Dr. Kevin Leman's writings on parenting, esp. 'Making Children Mind without Losing Yours'. He's the father of 5 and a psychologist. I love his teachings about keeping kids accountable.

(I'm a happily married mother of 4 grown children; 2 boys, 2 girls and grandmother to 3.)

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I have an 11 year old daughter that was like that,I took everything that she really enjoyed away from her and she is not allowed to go anywhere until she starts becoming more respectful and so far it is working. Try taking away like her tv or cell phone and no conversations on the phone with anyone,I promise it will help it may take a few weeks maybe even a month or 2 but it will work.

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I am reading a good book called positive guide to discipline and it is for any age. Alot of what it says make sense in any situation. It states that you have to change something in your own personal behavior towards her moods in order to see any change. Kids thrive on attention even if it is negative.That is really hard to do. Not sure the whole situation but, another book I am reading says the same thing. It is titled Change your life and everyone in it. It is very eye opening. I would highly recommend reading it for your situation. It give real life examples of similar situations.
It seems to be helping me to keep a good perspectiv eon things and working. But, I also don't have a 12 year old. I hope any of this helps. But, like I said before I am not totally sure of the situation but, I do watch an 11 year old whose mother is going through something similar with her.Best of Luck.

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She is going through her pre-puberty stage,so be patient.All girls get rebellious at this age because of the independence they feel.Plus,junior high is a totally different atmosphere than elementary school...there's more pressure to look good,be popular,be smarter,etc.You might want to try to have more alone time with her,so you can have closer conversations about school,her friends,etc.You have to try to remember when you were her age what it was like.Kids are people too.However,be consistent with discipline.When you say no,stick with it!If she's grounded for a week,then its a week,not just two days.Parents are aloud to be close to their kids you know,we don't have to only yell and discipline everyday.Enjoy her while she's young,18 is right around the corner.Be close,consistent with discipline,and everything will be ok.

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I feel for you as I am going through the same thing! My daughter is 11.5 and tends to live in her own world. If she can justify doing anything it is what she does.

I continue to remind her with each and every punishment that doing something because SHE sees no wrong in it does not make it right.

My only advice is to remind her there are always going to be consequences for these actions!

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My daughter was awful last year(13). I was totally frustrated. I became so mad one day, I was screaming at her to which she usually didn't react. We were in the car and I slapped her knee. She burst out crying. I found out she hated school, felt she didn't fit in anywhere and felt so lonely. I spoke with her teachers who said it is not uncommon at this age. With hormonal changes and peer pressure many girls have a tough time.I remained consistent and became much more patient and supportive and complimentary. A year later it is night and day. I have a much more confident and self assured daughter. FYI - this is my third and youngest child - the others were easier but she is the most senitive. Last year I considered counseling - this year I love being with her. I hope it works out this way for you. Good Luck

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Hi A.. I have worked with girls 7 to 17, who ran away from home or parents were being given a respite from their out of control child. Hopefully, it is not too late for you to gain control of your daughter. She needs to suffer a consequence each time she responds inappropiately. Take TV, cell phone, ipod, games, clothes, time out with friends, or whatever is important to her. If she acting out at 12, you can expect it to get worse as she becomes a teenager. Have you investigated the background of her girl friends? What they let you see may not be what they are really about. It may help to threaten her with out of home placement. If there is one near you, take her there to add a little fear. Let you daughter know, using a stern voice, that you will not accept disrespect in your home; for every action, there is a reaction. When she acts, you will react. She can cause you to react positively or negatively. It's up to her. You must be consistant and not give her any slack. Some kids, who start out as your daughter has, become physically abusive to their parents. Get a GRIP NOW! Good Luck to you, D. G.

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Hi A.!
I don't know how understanding you can be before you just have to say enough! If she is being downright disrespectful, you as the parent have authority to correct the behavior and enforce boundaries. Does she know what her boundaries are? Have you clearly set them out before her with consequences for breaking them and do you enforce the discipline when nessasary? If not, she will continue on being mouthy and disobedient. If a consequence seems not to affect her, it isn't a hard enough consequence. If you stick to your guns and enforce the rules you have set before her, she will eventually come around, but you have to be firm. You pay the phone bill, you pay for the gas that is spent running her around, you pay the cable bill, you pay for the internet,you buy her clothes, food, and all the other extras. You don't need to continue to do those things if she isn't going to respect your rules also. I am not suggesting that you stop feeding her, but you don't have to buy her favorite cereal or keep junk food in the house if she isn't going to acknowledge that you are the athority in her life. When those things go away and she realizes what she takes for granted, her TUDE should change and fall right in line! Go Mom!

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What about giving her some 'grown up' responsibilities around the house? Does she do her own laundry, have the opportunity to make money (perhaps by doing jobs around the house that help ease your workload), or is expected to help with things that are for the good of the whole family (like yardwork)? I know that with my children (I have 6 and one on the way), they lose alot of 'attitude' when they are able to put their emotions and energies into 'growing up' and learning adult life skills, rather than being delegated to childish things and distractions. At 12, she is becoming aware of herself as an individual, so teach her how to make her individualism count! Encourage her to volunteer to help the needy, or the visit with the elderly. Perspective, and appreciation of what they have, go a long way at this point in their lives. Use her (at present, negatively expressed) energy to help affect her future. You can do this by teaching her to become a compassionate and purposeful young lady. Best regards...