Seeking Input from Only Children on Having an Only Child

My step-mom and my husband are both only children, and they are both well adjusted adults. My husband only wanted one kid when we first got married, and his reasoning was that he enjoyed not having to share his parents, grandparents, etc. with any siblings; he got all the attention to himself. He saw it as a good thing. I was one of 3 kids in my family, so I was insistant on having more than one. But there are plenty of happy only children out there! If you only end up with one child, then he will get all the love you and your husband can offer, and he won't have to share!

There was a lot of great advice given to you already and it also helped me as well as i am facing a similar dilemma as you are. I am an only child, an older mom, and currently have one son who is almost 3. It is looking as if he will be my only and I am struggling with that as you are. I also do not want to do any infertility treatments and was letting nature take it's course. I miscarried twins two years ago, took a break from trying, and then tried again and four months into it found out that i was staring perimenopause. So that threw me a curve ball. Now at 41 1/2 to be exact I am thinking it is not in the cards and am trying to come to peace with my son being an only child. Growing up one, i did not want that for my son, but now that it looks as if that will be the case I want to do everything I can to make it as positive an experience as it can be. I did not have a horrible childhood by any means, my mother was very good about letting me have friends over and cousins and kept me very active and busy. It wasn't until i got older that I missed having a sibling there and especially do now that I the age I am and they are getting older and I feel like it's just me to care for them. Sometimes that is hard. And I worry about my son seeing that my husband and I are "older" parents and if he ends up alone because something happens to us. All of his immediate family other than my parents are on the east coast while we are here in CO. So he is not growing up with his cousins. So like you I am trying to come to terms with what may be and find peace with it all. Being in the same boat as you, again the advice i can offer with me being an only child is to make sure they have lots of friends around and interact with other kids their age as much as possible. The advantage is being able to do more because financially it is easier with only one and they do tend to grow up more mature and get along easy with just about anyone and any age. I hope this helps and if you would ever like to get together one on one seeing that we seem to have a lot in common, especially boys about the same age, please feel free to contact me. Take care, A.

Hi C.. I am an only child (now 27), so I thought I'd tell you what I thought about growing up without any siblings. I think growing up an only child was fine. I went to a mother's day out a little growing up and got lots of socialization with adults. I never grew up shy or without friends, but my mom said that I was also very independent. I HATE that label that because you're an only child you grew up spoiled. I think my parents did a great job showing me love but also made me work for things once I got old enough. The best compliment I get as an adult is, "You're an only child? Wow - you don't act like it!" I think my parents did a good job raising me. Now that I'm older, I do terribly wish that I had a sibling. I see my friends with their sisters or brothers and I am totally jealous. I see movies where the siblings are friends as adults and I get totally jealous. I know growing up I bothered my folks a little about getting a baby, but I think I wish for it more now that I'm older. My best friend has 10 years inbetween her and her brother, so she is practically an only child. We like to think of ourselves as sisters and our kids will grow up referring to each other as "Aunt ____". That's just another small misfortune of only children; Now my son only has the aunts/uncles on my husbands side. Say I married an only child, then there would be no aunts/uncles for the children. It's a little thing, but just something I think about. In saying all of this, I think your child will be perfectly happy growing up an only child because that's all he/she will know. And I think if one child is all you are able to have then God must have something special planned for your family of three. Don't give up on that second one yet, you never know what might happen! Good luck!

I only have one child as well. One of my best friends grew up an only child and she has given me lots of encouragement and advice. She said first of all if people say your child is spoiled stop them and tell them you love your child as much as they love theirs, and to kindly ask them to not label your child. Privately it would be well to tell them you don't want your child growing up with labels, would they? She also said just make sure your kid gets time to socialize with other kids. Let them know how much you love them, talk openly about why they are an only child and be thankful that you can give them so much of your heart and your time. I try to always remember this when other people start "drilling" me. The worst question, when they ask, so when will dd get another sibling? and I say, we can't have any more children, thinking it will end the conversations, EVERY person I've said that to asks Why not? in disbelief. It's shocking how insensitive people can be. But I'm so so thankful for this miracle of a child I have as I am sure you are. Love your child. It's only aweful to be a child in a family if your parents aren't there for you. and that can happen with any number of kids. hope that helps...her advice always helps me.

Hi C.--I too have felt the pressure from others to have more than one child, and have bitten back many angry retorts to their judgemental and narrow minded ideas of what makes a family. My husband is an only child, and I am the oldest of four. I had a happy childhod, and think my parents did a good job with us. I love my siblings, and would never trade them for anything, but we are not terribly close as adults. My dad has always said that he's never known 4 kids that are so different! That said, I'm pretty sure I would still like all of them, even if we weren't related. I'm not sure, however, if we would be close friends.

My husband is an only child, and has lots of happy memories. He is one of the most generous people I have ever met, and is an incredible human being. He did not grow up wealthy, and his parents were very young when they had him. Nonetheless, he did well in school and sports, and has an Ivy League education. He has also worked to maintain enduring friendships, and is a wonderful father and husband.

We decided that our son would be our only child, and my husband and I talked about the pitfalls he encountered as an only child. These are things he wants to make sure he works on with our son, because some lessons he didn't learn until adulthood. We're both confident that with lots of love, support, and extra attention to some of these "pitfalls," he'll have as good a chance as anyone to be a "whole" person!

The biggest lesson my husband says he had to learn involved forgiveness. He says that since he didn't have brothers and sisters to fight with and live with, he didn't learn to let things go and move on. He had to work hard as an adult to nurture friendships, especially after a friend had let him down. As a child with siblings, one learns to fight and make up, since everyone lives together. It's easy for an only child to cut out people who hurt him or her out of his or her life.

Our son is 3, and we've been talking to him since age one about what it means to be a good friend. We've also spent lots of time talking to him about sharing. I think he does a better job than lots of kids with siblings! I forced the issue by taking him places where he would be forced to take turns, like the children's museum. I also joined a MOMS group and did other"mommy and me" type activities (we loved "Music Together") I just wanted to put him in lots of situations with other kids. We spend a lot of time at the park, too. I also started him in pre-school at age 3, because I wanted him to spend more time with other kids.

One more area of concern is what if something happens to us? He will have nobody. If my parents get sick, I have my siblings to help with their care. To that end, we made sure we're well insured, but the issue of emotional support is the one concern I don't know how to address. I do feel that he'll have lots of friends, and someday build his own network of people to help him through the tough times.

I don't know that there is a right answer on how many kids to have. I hope you and your husband do what is right for you, and have peace of mind if the decision is out of your hands. I think the most important thing you can do is be loving and supportive of each other, no matter how big or small your family is. Please don't worry too much about others' negative comments. Good luck!

There are benefits both ways (being an only child and having siblings). There are challenges both ways. But really, it's more important that a child has parents who love and care for them, and invest time and energy in them individually, than how many silings they have. And its callous and rude for someone else to say how many children you have. That is a decision between you, your husband, and the Lord (I've been on the other end, people telling me "you'd better not have any more" for various reasons. Bleh!!) It's especially unfeeling if you want more and haven't been able to conceive!!
I have one brother and he is one of my best friends. But it isn't always that way. If you and your husband want more, but you aren't able to conceive and don't want to go the fertility treatment route, look into adoption. There are lots of children in need of good homes. Some of them are children, not always babies. And some families are very happy with international adoptions too. Look into those options too.
I wish you luck and joy in whatever your family ends up looking like.

Every family is different; and what works for some doesn't work for others. Personally I can't imagine raising more than 2 kids. Some don't think life is complete until they have a 1/2 dozen. Don't dwell on what could be, revel in what you have.

I am an only child and I'll share a few things that I've learned about myself. Whether its due to being an only, my personality or the way I was raised in a divorced family is debatable.
- Being an only means there is no one to share responsibility for the care of my parents as they age. Its all me and I don't look forward to the prospect of doing it alone. Yes, DH will be there to support and care, but in the end its still me.
- I can tend to be very aggressive and determined. As a kid this label was 'independent'. Now a days its a little much for some that I know what I want and how to go after it.
- With my kids now-today- there are no cousins to share holidays with them. My DH has a single sibling, unmarried, with no prospects in the near (or far!) future. With just me there are no cousins and none on DH's side either. We don't have large family gatherings on the holidays. It always the four of us. (hence my quest to revel in the now and try really hard not to dwell on what we don't have...its a big one for me today)
- I spent a lot of my childhood playing by myself or a single friend. There weren't kids visiting a sibling and then friends for me too. Hence now I am really good one-on-one or in front of a large crowd. I'm not good at smaller gatherings, its just not what I'm used to. However, I'm really good at self entertaining and don't need a TV or other people around to keep me involved.
These are some of the things off the top of my head. Whatever happens for you, make the best of it and enjoy it!

I am also a mom of one, our son is a little over 3 yrs old. We are going back and forth on whether or not to have another child and whether or not we can, (also on the older end of the mommy spectrum). Both my husband and I have siblings and we have a hard time imagining life without them but we have really enjoyed just being able to concentrate on our son. We have felt the "pressure" of having more than one child, mostly from parents who have more than one. It's like you are considered odd to just have one, which can be frustrating. And we struggle with the thought that as parents, are we being selfish by not providing our son with a sibling? Or are we being realistic and responsible?
I have talked about this with many people, parents of only children, friends who have siblings who wished they didn't, family that can't imagine not having their brothers and sisters. I think there are pros and cons in either direction and lots of internal and external factors have to be considered. It's all relative to your own situation.
The way we have decided to go forward is that if it happens (getting pregnant) naturally, then that is what life has in store for us. If not, we are already happy with our son who is so much fun. hope this is helpful.

I am sorry some people are so rude. I too am a mom of an single kido and will not have any more in the future. Someone once had the audacity to tell me I wouldn't be a real parent till I had more than one. It hurts enough that I would love to retort that I don't believe in having a litter to prove my motherhood. I had many siblings growing up and in spite of it, have had family problems that split the family up. I learned what was important was the family I made, that included good friends that are like sisters and brothers to me. I hope to install that same love in my daughter so that someday she may find a "sister". The best way to look at having an only child is that you can give 100% to you child. We have the advantage to be able to travel more and I get to spend exclusive 1 on 1 time. I knew kids that were only children that had parents that would let them invite a friend on outings. I hope to do the same. My friends that are only children have been supportive and are well adjusted adults. Some even say they were glad because they did get more opportunities than their friends with siblings. The important thing is to socialize your kido. It still may cause friction in school and unfortunately labels do get assigned ( my child is a bit dramatic and always got that attributed to her being an only child, I think its just her personality) So do your best to ignore those rude people and know your son is perfect just the way he is. Best of wishes.

The people who tell you that it would be awful for your child not to have siblings are outrageously rude people. Seriously, can you imagine saying something like that to somebody? It's like saying, "You'd better fix that stupid infertility problem because little Jack's waiting for a brother. Get with the program!" Wow. I'm sorry that people talk to you like that. I'm thinking they're not really friends and that you could pretty easily avoid them. I'm praying that you find a peaceful solution, not only to the infertility, but also to the rude people. Blessings to you!

C., I am an only child and I love it and have only had good experiences. I briefly wanted an older sister when I was in high school, but that was only because my mother was very strict and I thought that if I had someone to pave the way before, the rules would be a bit looser for me - really I just wanted a later curfew :).

Being an only child is great as I am sure having siblings is too. We only have one child and are not having more. Growing up, I was able to travel abroad with my family because we could afford it. We have traveled over seas twice with our daughter as well as several times domestically b/c we can afford it only having one child. I was very social growing up and did extra-curricular activities. I never missed having a sibling for bonding or social reasons and I know that I benefited in several ways from being an only child.

I think either choice is fine, but I really did love being an only child. Good luck to you. It sounds like you will have a happy and loving family either way.

S.

C.,
I am not an only child (I have a brother who's 14 months older than me and a "non-legally adopted" sister in her 30's- she lived with us on and off since she was 17- I was 7 I think the first time she lived with us- was an only child, and we consider ourselves siblings) and have 3 children of my own. I'm appalled by the people telling you how your family should be; I find that insensitive and frankly, none of their business. My "sister" was technically an only child (she had us, but we were younger) and is a very well-balanced adult. I think that there are pros and cons to any amount of children, but you are able to give your son your undivided love and attention. My personal belief is that every child is conceived (or not conceived) for a reason; if you are meant to have #2, it will happen. If not, it's perfectly fine too- that would just mean for your family, 3 is the magic number. As long as your son can have playmates, he'll be fine either way. Don't stress about it- if it happens, it was meant to be, if not, it was not meant to be. Enjoy your son and please ignore those hurtful comments; every family is different and being an only child will not hurt anyone. HTH Good luck! :-)

I haven't read the other responses, so with any luck I'm not compltetely repeating or contradicting what others say! As an adult, I'm lucky enough to be close to my parents, which I think helps. I'm not looking forward to dealing with decisions as they age, but I have a wonderful husband who gets along well with them, so I'm supported. I'm also close to his parents and fairly close to his siblings. As a child, I do remember bugging my mom a lot to play with me, but I was also the kind of kid who got along well with adults, so I counted several adults from church and elsewhere as "friends". I think that one thing that made a tremendous difference was the fact that I grew up in a neighborhood full of kids. I spent a lot of my childhood outside with the neighborhood kids or at one of their houses.
I hope this helps some. We're wresting with some of the same questions. We're really enjoying our family of three, and feel like the only reason we'd have another one would be to provide a sibling for our daughter. I personally think that I turned out just fine!

Hi C., First off, let me just say, don't give up on that second child yet. Having said that let me tell you why...my kids are 19 (yes *19*) years apart. I gave up YEARS AND YEARS prior to having my 2nd one! LOL So, I basically had two ''only child(ren)''. My son graduated high school and headed off to college when my daughter was a baby. My son was an ''only child''. I think for the most part he benefitted from it. Though he always did want a sibling, he asked why I waited til he was 19 to give him one! LOL My daughter who is now 18 yrs old, about to graduate and head to college has always been okay with being an ''only child'' (even tho she does have a bro, he was rarely around). Having one (at a time) I was able to give more to that child, not just material things, but quality ME time, in turn we are very close....we actually enjoy time spent together, share secrets, talk openly about any/everything etc... I'm not sure that would of happened with having more than one where my attentions would be divided etc... Any of that make sense? Though I DON'T reccommend waiting 19 yrs between kids, it does have its advantages! Surprisingly enough, both my kids, inspite of the tremendous age difference, are very close as well! (though my daughter is closer in age to her nephews than to her brother! LOL) This probably doesn't help you any, but to answer your question...no I don't think its ''bad'' having only one child. As long as they connect with other kids their age in social settings, I can't imagine why having only one is a problem! I have a good friend who also has just one child (same age as my daughter), and has never had any negative feedback because of it from her son. The one drawback with my daughter is....she's spoiled rotten! If I had it all to do over again....I wouldn't change a thing!

C.,
I am not an only child. I read your request for input and wanted to respond from an adoptive parent of an only child. My husband and I are also on the "older end of the parent spectrum". We realize if we are not able to adopt another child in the near future, she will also be an only child. We are ok with this for her since we know the steps we will be taking to ensure she has as much "socialization" as we can provide for her. She is 12 months old and we have her in a medium sized daycare of 22 children. She is thriving in that environment and enjoys the other children and adults. We know that she will be learning to share, treat others with respect at home and at daycare, have good manners, listen to mommy and daddy, and also other adults. I do think that it all comes down to the experiences you give to your child and the morals and values you set for them as a role model that truly in the end will define who they are. They will have other companions in their lives to share play time with and friendships they allowed to make will be important for them.

Hope this helps (even just a little.)
R.

I'm only providing this information because you asked for the experiences, not because it is my opinion.

My mom is an only child and she had my sister and I. She wanted us to have each other, but didn't know how to deal with the whole "sister" thing. Our relationship was foreign to her (and not good when we were younger), she didn't know how to relate to us, or how we were supposed to act with each other.

My sister has one daughter and (sometimes) wants her to be an only child (mainly because of our bad relationship - it is better now). My mom is suggesting that she have another. Not because of her own childhood, but because of dealing with her parents' deaths alone. She didn't have anyone of her generation to rely on. Her cousins are on the east coast and Connecticut, she and my father are divorced and I think she felt very alone through the whole process.

I know that this is such a far off thought, and seems a strange reason to have another. All I am saying is that I don't think that being an only child will be bad for your child when he is a child (having siblings can suck too! :) ), and if you can only have one child, be grateful for him, and teach him to have loving relationships with his cousins and friends.

I have a friend that is a twin, both she, and her sister have, and are only going to have one. They both get these insensitive comments about only children. They, unfortunately, have the gene that causes breast and ovarian cancer and have both had double mastectomies. I think at least one has had her ovaries removed. They don't have an option of having more. They are very concrete when someone asks if they are having more.

For you, it sounds like another would be a nice surprise, but that you are fulfilled and complete as 3. Don't listen to the opinions of others - this is your family. When others ask about more children, don't hem and haw, have an answer ready, even if it is something like, "our family is complete as is". My sister gets into all kinds of trouble because she says it is just the one, BUT if they have another, it will be X number of years down the road, so people keep asking when that will be. She would be better off saying no, just the one, and then, "Surprise, we are having another".

Sorry, that was more long winded and meandering that I expected. Good luck on whatever your outcome is.

I understand not wanting to do infertility. That is a decision my husband and I also made and we still have another (very unexpected) baby. I know it doesn't work that way for everyone. My family has a lot of fertility issues, so for the most part, we are all only children or have one sibling. I'm in the first group. Close family helps. My family wasn't particularly close, but all of us cousins are friends now as adults. I don't think being an only child is horrible. I had a lot of opportunities that, had the budget had to stretch further, wouldn't have been an option. As an adult, probably the hardest thing now, is preparing for the end of life. There is no one to share the burden of those expenses or decisions. My mom and I are very close, and I count that a special privilege. I think it is possible to have a well-adjusted only child. My mom got all the remarks when I was little. People can be very insensitive. #2 came sooner than #1 did, and #3 was a complete surprise. I think stress and trying had a lot to do with it, which most doctors will tell you, so you never know. Embrace your little one, and grow him into a great adult, and you'll never regret not having had more. A happy home life has more to do with the adult life than anything else in my opinion. Hope this helps. I really don't think it's bad to have only one. :) You want me to ask my husband his opinion? :)

I am an only child who had a great childhood. There was nothing "awful" about my upbringing. People are obtuse to think that you cannot raise an only child without them being "weird" or spoiled, or having something wrong with them. My parents made sure I was around other children early on with preschool, activities galore such as dance, swimming, music, etc. I was always surrounded by love and care. Intellectually I think I advanced because of the amount of attention directed towards me. My parents had the foresight to instill in me independence, and a desire to share with others. I am now a professional woman who is independent, was in a sorority in college, have a lot of friends, and genuinely care for others. You can raise an only child well, but get them involved in lots of activities, early school, and let them be independent, doing their own laundry, helping in the kitchen, cleaning up after themselves. All these things together can make for a well grounded individual whether they are only children or have 5 siblings.

Why have you already ruled out fertility treatments? There are some things that you can try that are not invasive or expencive, you should at least consult your doctor about your options, if you want to get pregnant again there is no harm in looking into it. Good luck with whatever you choose!

C.,
I am an only child. Of course, I wanted siblings. I would love to have a bigger family, but I have filled that role with people I choose to be my family, like my friends and my husband and children. As an only child I have enjoyed (and still enjoy) advantages that others in bigger families do not. For example, I traveled extensively with my parents (all over the world). My parents - who were not wealthy people - were able to completely pay for my college education as well as much of my graduate school tuition. I had more opportunities, more choices. I had two parents who were - and still are - devoted to me and that has been an important part of my success and happiness. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and sometimes it feels lonely. However, every situation has its pros and cons. If you ultimately have only one child, it isn't the end of the world. It's just a different life than you intended. Enjoy!

I was raised as an only child. My father has other children, but my mother only has me; when I was four they divorced and I was raised alone.

I would say that I'm a decent person but I'll tell you that when I was growing up I was always making my friends into siblings. It would be painful if I could do something with them because THEY were my "family". This is normal to an extent anyway, but since I had no one at home other than my mom and her husband when she remarried, it was especially critical for me to be able to have time with friends for learning how to have relationships with peers, having an outlet to share feelings about my "parents", and a whole host of things.

I think I turned out pretty well.

One thing that I think about a lot as an adult is the ending years of my mother's life versus that of my father. When my father dies, I will have his other children to share the burdens with. I will be able to talk to others who will have memories I have, understanding of his personality, and remember stories. We will be able to help each other go through his things and the financial burdens of elder care if necessary as well as funeral arrangements. If I need help dealing with my mother's belongings when she passes I'll have to seek it out. When my mother is old, if she needs to have intensive care, I'll alone carry the mantle of choosing that for her with know one else who loves and cares about her the way I do, as I have with my father.

When it comes to holidays my mom only has me to share them with so there's a sense of duty and obligation to be here and available to her for those things because there is no one else for her to visit...just me. I'm not saying I dislike having her, it's just this feeling like I must keep it open even when it might be nice to go to another state to visit my husband's family for a holiday.

I would be nice to know that I alone am not responsible to carry the traditions of my mother's family, that I'm the only one to teach the lessons to another generation learned from my mother and hers.

It wasn't my moms fault or choice not to have any other children...she was simply physically unable to have any more.

If you choose to only have your one child, please be extra diligent about providing quality peers to bond with, plan well for the future, put a lot of deep thought into how you would want your child to treat and choose for you in extreme conditions so the sense of guilt and/or betrayal isn't a large factor for your son, be sure to include yourself in a lot of very internally rewarding hobbies and activities so you don't feel the need to baby and manage him as he gets older--especially as he becomes a man and, more importantly, a husband, be sure to remember that he is not a peer as he begins to look and speak as if he is a young man.

Another point is this: siblings are siblings whether they share DNA or not. If you feel a pull at you that there is absolutely someone else that is supposed to be in your family, perhaps biology isn't as important as finding your child. Adoption is a gestation and birth of another sort just as profound and lovely and amazing.

I'm not a single child. When I had my first (my father in law who is a single child) pushed me to have a second (even though that was our plan) saying he didn't have a great childhood being a single child. No one to play with and now that he's older he know doesn't have any family to talk to. That was just his experience. It doesn't mean that every single child will end up alone. But, I do see his point.

I am an only child and I married a younger of two (girl/boy) siblings. I always thought being an only child as a child was pretty cool, I do remember wishing I had an older sister, but significantly older (10-15 years) and remember thinking that she would be a good babysitter while I needed one, but would be grown and out of the house, when I was a teen. I guess I recognized the benefits of full attention of my parents at an early age.
I do acknowledge that I have some relationship issues since I never had to cope with a sibling, I don't argue as effectively as my husband, don't have the same sense of "fair" that was instilled by their parents, since they always made things financially even between then, ie. if one got something that was expensive, so did the other, but not necessarily at the same time, his parents were REALLY good about delaying gratification. When we were just a couple, he always said that we should have 2 for sure, I was pretty OK with just 1. After our daughter was born, he wanted just one and I was ok with another, but we decided that we couldn't afford to have more than 1. We live thousands of miles from family, and they live in "destination" locations, so visiting is expensive and usually requires a plane ride.
I think that only children are better able to deal with adults and adult situations at a younger age simply because they are exposed more to them. I always participated in the "dinner conversations" with my parents' friends. Since it is just the 3 of us, we are a very tight family unit, and my husband and I usually take her with us rather than leaving her with a sitter. Our daughter is very well behaved at a classy 4 course meal at a restaraunt, even at her preschool age.
I think that there is some truth to stereotypes generally, and that hold true for some of the only child stereotypes; like to be the center of attention, want to excel to stay the center, a bit egotistical (because they've been told their the center) etc.
The one thing that we are very conscience about doing with our only daughter and it is based on a reaction to my own childhood is telling her no. I didn't hear no often enough, so I didn't develop the coping skills at a young age to deal with the realities of the adult/professional world. You don't always get that new/best toy simply because you want it, just as in the adult world you don't get that big house or fancy car simply because you want it. It has to be reasonable and within your means and if that means that you have to save and delay your gratification until you can afford it, then so be it. (Maybe if more people had that sort of attitude we wouldn't be in the econimic crisis that we are now.) But that's another soapbox...
Enjoy your one little one and make sure that he feels and knows that he's special, because he is, as is every child.