Seeking Help with the Teen Years

Personally, I would not back off. I think he needs to know you are serious and consistent. If that isn't working, you need to come down harder. That said, I think you need to also sit and listen. Let him talk (if he will) and if he won't he at least will get the message you are willing to listen to him. I also think it is important to define just what he needs to do to get the privileges back. All 14 year olds are going to think you are being unreasonable but it is the long term message that will count. I would also look at how many activities, sports ect.. he is doing. It is so hard to for them to get enough sleep and that impacts how well they can focus and get assignments done. BTW, I have a 14 yr old boy, too~

NEVER back off from a teenager. Although what he is doing is normal, have a sit down discussion with him & ask him to list out why he is dropping the ball. You can also set up meetings with him & his teachers to see whats going on in the classroom. Dont forget to praise him for what he is doing right/good. Let him know you want to help him and if that means going to counseling then set it up, kids hate counseling so he may snap out of it.
Also make sure he is not hanging out with the wrong crowd. He needs to know what the expectations are of him & there are consequences if they are not met. He needs & wants guidance and love & support right now more than ever. My dghtr is 19 now. 14-18 was aweful, but we got thru it., with some bumps & bruises.

L.,

As a mother of 3 with many years of experience, I can tell you that the one thing you don't want to do is back off. It will be another way of saying you either don't care or are just giving up. The more involved you stay in your son's education, the better. If he has suddenly changed his behavior when it comes to school, you can bet there is something behind it. You need to investigate further about what is going on in his school life. Take action, get involved and add some sort of reward system for his accomplishing small tasks. Make the rewards bigger for bigger accomplishments. Believe me, if you get him past this, it will go a long way toward his future success. I could go on forever, but...... good luck to you. Find out what is really bothering your son about school. Maybe he just wants attention?

By not doing his homework, do you mean he is failing or just not putting effort into school? I was always advanced in school but bored to tears in middle and high school. I stopped caring, did what I needed to do to graduate in three years and go to college when I was 17, and never put more effort than that into it. I was very stubborn and if I didn't like an assignment, I would not do it on principle and chose to get a poorer grade. Pathetic, I know, but I did make it through college and still love learning.

I had many bright male classmates who just were interested in other things more than school and could have gotten top grades, but they did not feel like it. I know grades are important, but it is normal for teenagers to go through this. If he is not failing but is interested in other things that you know about (not secretive about his activities, etc.) I would back off and allow him limited privileges. Make sure he knows that if he slacks off too much in school, the long-term consequences could be harmful for college, etc., but in the short-term he will probably be fine. You know your own son best, and it sounds like he is at least willing to talk to you, so that is good. I can just remember being a very independent, stubborn, and unsociable teenager, and I preferred to be that way. :) Good luck and just keep loving him like you already are!

L., if not doing his homework is the only problem you are having with him, then you should first talk to his teachers and find out from them what is going on. You mentioned that he was in the honor roll before; well have you thought that maybe he is not being challenged in his classes and he is getting bored? Maybe he needs more motivation from his teachers. This attitude could be due to many things, you will need to sit down and write a list of priorities to check out. I think a talk with the teachers should be your first one, I would check out who is he hanging out with as well; see if he is being picked/bullied in school. Maybe he needs help with the homework? and he is embarrased to ask for help. Have his counselor in school talk to him, and see if he/she can find out where is the missing link. It might be something simple. I'll keep him in my prayers. But whatever you do make sure that he knows at all times, that no matter what the issue might be, you love him, support him and will get him whichever help he needs.

I had the same problem when I was that age. My parents were uninvolved and I watched too much tv. I needed focus and guidance. Help with homework early in the day rather than at night when tired. A good desk with no distractions. A chart for when projects are due for time management,and gentle prodding and lots of encouragement. Also, check eyesight.

Dear L.,
Teens can be tough. When our kids were in school we explained to them that their success depended on them, not us. If they did well, they could do anything they wanted in life - the doors were wide open. I told them that I would help them in any way, but I would not do their work for them. I had done the work when I was their age; now it was their turn.
Despite being diagnosed as dislexic, our daughter thrived in school; getting A's and B's in school. She was also excepted into all the colleges she applied to. She is now a family therapist, dealing with kids with behavioural problems.
Our son is a Lt in the army. His idea: he wants more discipline. That says it all; kids want discipline.
Hope this helps, W.

I have a 13yr old boy, or young man as he refers himself to. I would'nt say ease off, but I would be very careful as to what to say & do, u don't want them to rebel either. Sit with him & maybe offer to help with homework.
Spend alot of time with them, taking them to sport games,
movies, sitting down to dinner together, talk about what they like, his friends & so on. Be his friend, yet still be his mother. Keep in constant communication.
My son & I have a great relationship, and I believe it's because of our constant communication, and trying not to find the negative in everything, looking for some positive as well. Good luck
Mrs. Flores

The only thing I can add to the other suggestions is to make sure he isnt dabbling in drugs..pot mainly. It's a hard thing for parents to suspect, but pot will affect a child the way you describe.

Wow! 14 is the... "who am i" stage of an adolescents' life. Being the honor roll kid most other children envied yet tolerated us. Why? Because either they couldn't or wouldn't do whatever it took to keep those grades up. Then there's the appearance thing, usually girls fall for the athletic type or handsome on the outside only type. Am i even close yet? Well, here it is... Taking away a computer from an honor roll student is like taking a lollipop from a baby, dad's remote from underneath the recliner cushion, mom's favorite book from her nightstand or a smokers last cigarette without permission. You see computers to some are a lifeline. And, we become programmed by using it for almost everything--yes, those things too. Perhaps, parental controlling his usage might curtail his search engines? In absence of this, if you take away his ability to communicate online and he becomes depressed and bored, just remember these words please, 'an idle mind is the d****'s workshop'. I left out the "d" word.

My daughter had difficult times beginning in middle school and high school due to ADD (attention deficit disorder). It really started to show up around 6th-7th grade. She's now 16 and in 11th gr. and are still having performance and motivation issues. We've gotten her special accommodations in school and resource room. We've had tutors that helped somewhat, but she's become dependent on that to the point that she slacks off in the classroom. Punishing doesn't seem to matter to her much - it's become a routine. I've gotten so involved in her homework and assignments (not doing them for her, but just staying on top of them) that she never had to. Now I am backing off and making her accountable. I think you should make your son accountable and let him understand the consequences of his own actions/inactions. I regret that I had not done this earlier - maybe by now, and this is such an important academic year for college acceptance, my daughter would have taken things more seriously. Good luck.

Sounds like he may be suffering from depression. I would check into how he is interacting in school. Or he may be like my son who believed homework just didn't count. He couldn't make the connection between homework and good grades.

14 and highschool are a tough thing to manage. He would be the low man on the totem pole and does he have any friends at school? Who are they? Perhaps this school environment isn't the best suited for his personality. Are there other school options if this is the issue?

Give him back the computer but make him earn time with it by doing work around the house. Praise him for the good things he is doing. Get him a tutor if necessary because perhaps that is where his struggle is. What is the culture of the classes? Is being smart and achieving valued by the students?

Get him to talk to you. Talk to his teachers. Talk to his classmates. Talk to his friends. You need more information to determine which direction to go in to help him.

I'm looking at the grade he's in...You mention he was an honor student in 6th grade and lower, which are a lot easier grades. K-6 is considered elementary grades, so once they hit the middle school grades, things get overwhelming/harder. Your boy did great, because a lot of students start having academic trouble in 5th or 6th grade. Before either there probably wasn't much homework or the homework was less demanding. There's even more reading in the stories/books they have to read. The text books are no longer geared to grade level, so they are much more detailed, harder to read, and boring/wordy. Rather than take things away, you might want to set up some sort of reward system. If there's typing involved, trying helping your son with it. Try helping your son set up a schedule or give him study suggestions, so he doesn't feel overwhelmed and knows he will have some free time available. Give him suggestions on how to be more study efficent with color coding notes, taking book notes, having a small pad of paper to write down assignments rather than a journal, have a monthly calander hanging on the wall with tests and assignments listing on it.....

how about having him see the school psychologist. maybe he needs to just talk it out and not to his parents.

It seems like you need to figure out what he is having trouble with so you can help effectively. Problem solving is a lot better than just nagging. Try talking with him first. It is too much work, too many things to keep track of, just not caring about homework, not understand a specific subject or something else. If your son can't or won't tell you do talk to the teachers. It seems like he might need help staying organized (keeping an assignment book and calendar, notebooks for his classes, quiet place to study at home) and managing his time (I was an honor student but had trouble getting big projects started enough in advance). If you are checking with him weekly or daily about what his assignments are and that he is doing them it will probably keep him on track. You can check less frequently when his grades improve (as long as he knows you will check at least some of the time). You will have to figure out the balance between keeping tabs and micromanaging his academic life. Can you also find a way that he can have somewhat supervised computer time as an incentive when schoolwork is done? My kids are still little but I am not a fan of computers and tv's in kids bedrooms (too hard to supervise).