Seeking Help with Teen Boy

CALL THE POLICE ! ! ! After he is safely home, you can discuss the house rules. I am totally against smoking, but it seems to me that the lying is a far bigger problem because he could easily be deceptive about other things as well. Good luck, L..

When my daughter was a teenager and I was concerned about a friend or a group of friends, I would tell her that she can have them over to our house, but until I get to know them better, she wasn't going to their homes, and she wasn't hanging out with them. Most of the kids were fine with this, but there were a few that chose not to continue the friendship with her (something to hide maybe?).

The teen years are by far the hardest. There are times that as teens they need a babysitter more than they did at six or seven. It will get better. My sister told me to hang in there, that my daughter would become a "human" again.

I suggest if he's not home by now, call the police, get some intervention. Find out if these other kids are known by the police at all. Try to get to know the parents, too.

Yes, he's a minor, call the police. Number one for his safety and #2 to show him you mean business. He shouldn't have left and I don't think giving him that option was a good idea. Maybe instead, if he doesn't feel he needs to abide by your rules (it is your home) take away his priveleges you have provided him with. Where does he get his money? Does he have a car you let him use? A cell phone? An X-Box? A TV in his room? Those are all priveleges, not necesseties. Is he driving yet? Maybe he can't get his license until he shows appropriate behavior. Do all that you can to get him away from the wrong kids. Does he have a job? Maybe volunteering or some other summer activities to keep him out of trouble while school's out, definitely keep him busy. He's a teenager, he's going to push you and test his boundaries, stand strong as hard as it is, he may hate you for now but he needs your rules and guidance. He can get through this testing, pushing, experimenting and come out healthy and strong. It sounds like you are willing to do what it takes, good luck, I know it must be very trying.

that's a tough one since you told him to leave. the general rules in our house are that you follow them or you talk about why you don't want to. if get caught lying about it, there will be repercussions. continuation means intervention of some kind - counselling, going to stay with a friend whose parents i know and who is ok with having the teen over, etc.
i would start calling around to his friend's houses. if you don't have all the numbers, i would ask for numbers from those friends you do have, and put out a general feeler for anyone who has seen your son in the last day, and to please call you if they DO see if/have him call home to check in. at some point you could file a run-away report, but that's a mark against your son because YOU told him to leave and didn't get the info on where he was going first, and seems terribly unfair and as though it would only cause more grief between you and he. perhaps once you locate him via friends, you can set new boundaries, rules and expectations that he has a hand in creating, thus he will be more likely to follow?

This is a tough one! You must be worried sick! Was this a "final straw" moment, because it seems telling him he should leave if he doesn't like the rules was too big a response for what was happening. Leaving isn't an option, and that's something you will need to address (and possibly apologize to him for) when he comes home. He's probably very hurt right now, as you are. This may actually work positively for your family to start a conversation about his behavior and your concerns.

What other consequences does he get for not following the rules? What things are taken away? Have you clearly explained WHY you don't want him smoking (health risks, etc.) not just that it's "against the rules?"

Since I don't know what your relationship with your son was before this all started, I don't know specifically what to do to help you, but usually if they change their friendship group or behavior, then something ELSE changed in their lives. Some conflict at school or home. Yes, teenagers will push the boundaries, but that's their job. You as the parent need to preserve the boundaries because that makes them feel safe and gives them guidelines.

Hi,

I suggest that you invite his new friends for a cookout and get to know them. It may seem far fetched, but they may end up respecting you liking you as they may not have the kind of guidance at home. Or, they may stop hanging out with your son altogether once they see how much you care about your son and love him. Don't be afraid to hold discussions of any topic with them. They may be surprised by your responses as you'll be surprised by theirs. Be opend minded and considerate. Remember we we're all reared in different home with different values. Some young adults need to realize that alot of people still have strong family values even in todays crazy mixed up world.

Oh my Gosh, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. If your son is still gone now, call the police. Even if you just think he's at a friend's house and think that calling the police is overacting, your son needs to know limits and consequences, and this might scare him into not running away anymore.
Now, as a high school guidance counselor who has seen this type of thing a lot, I suggest getting to know your son's slacker friends and their families. Call their mothers. Invite the parents over for coffee. At least have a chat on the phone, even if it's just to introduce yourself. This way, your son knows that you are in his "business". He might find that his slacker friends aren't as much fun if you're involved with their families too.
As for the smoking, unfortunately you can't force him to quit if he's doing it where you're not around. I suggest telling him just that: Son, we love you and care about you, and everyone knows that smoking is bad for you. We don't want to see you hurting your health, but ultimately this is your decision. We would like it if you didn't smoke, but you have to decide how you want to handle your body. You aren't allowed to smoke in the house, and you're not allowed to smoke around us, but you're getting to be an adult and have to start making adult decisions". Something like that. He might still smoke, but you've still set some limits.
Best of luck to you, and God bless!

He is more than likely fine. One of his friends parents let them hang out they dont care they want to be the kids friends, thats the problem. They let them smoke then drink etc. Been there with mine. Guess what you are right . I did the same thing sure you worry but rules are rules.called tough love, or you could be an enabler and you dont want that, then you lose all control and they get worse. I know it hurts but hang in there he will be fine. Dont give up i told mine sink or swim. He is 20 sometimes they have to find things out the hard way. But i dont care what anyone says tough love is the way to go . If he is not into sports playing he needs a job! That helps keep them away from friends a little. Good luck to you. Kb