Seeking Advice About Husband Who Does Not Want to Go to Childbirth Classes

I experienced resistance as well from my husband, but I simply said, "I need you to come with me, if for nothing else but to support me, because I am nervous about the unknown of childbirth and I need you to be as calm and prepared as possible for the big "labor" and "birth" day."

I hope that this helps. Turn it into you needing him to go for you. Get needy, express your worries and concerns, and chances are he might open up and share his concerns and worries as well. Oh yah, my hubby did join me at the childbirth class, but we made a deal that he could turn around or close his eyes during any of the movie clips he was not comfortable watching.

Good luck, Enjoy your labor and the birth of your child. It is absolutely amazing and beautiful.

~L.

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds to me like he may have a phobia or fear of childbirth. You need to get to the bottom of it before the baby is born. Or, have someone else go with you to the classes and have them coach you in the delivery room. I think your husband needs to talk about his issues.-Either to you or a counselor, or both.

I'm going to seriously stick up for your DH. Yes, you are the one who is pregnant and will go through the fun of carrying and delivering a beautiful baby, your husband is the one who will watch his much loved wife go through an ordeal like she has never faced before. Think about things from his POV and see that not only is he worried about a baby, he's very, very worried about you!

We went through a natural childbirth class, not the ones offered through the hospital and found it extremely helpful. I signed myself, best friend and DH up to go. I was counting on my BF to help and be there for us both during the delivery. The pressure was OFF DH. He already had enough on his mind.

Should he go willingly? Yes. But try and think about how much of a change this is for him too. It may help you find the right words to get him involved. And maybe 'involved' is something other than being there for labor. Its not a popular opinion I know, but he has feelings and anxieties just like you, now you need to figure out how to support each other.

We went through the same thing with our daughter. My husband did not want to go. I explained to him, that since this is the first child, I am nervous about the birth and it would be important for me if we went to this class. We actually learned a lot and had fun doing it. They really try to make it fun, at least in our class they did. There were different stations with ways to show you how to relax during labor and different techniques to use to help you through it. Try to explain that this is important to you, and maybe once it's over, he will be glad he went and may actually enjoy it!

My husband was not a fan of child birth classes either. Let me just give you a work of advice. Really, when you are in labor everything you learn goes out the window! The class we took was a one day class (you take a lunch with you) and it was very educational. They went over many techniques which helped me and also they explain terms that will be used in the delivery room. It was a wonderful class and it was only one day. There were many other couples in there so he would not feel out of place. We did it thru Memorial hospital in the Springs. I have had other friends take child birthing classes and they said they did not help. Sorry, I do not have much encouragement for your husband, but if it was just one class for one day with other men he may want to do that one instead. The techniquest they taught were just as helpful and I think in some ways it was a more educational class to help with the overall outcome of the child birth experience. Good Luck!

Well, first I would see why he does not want to go. depending on how well the two of you communicate, you should just flat out ask him. He might be feeling like the class will make it feel too "real", and therefore scarey. Even though the 2 of you are very excited (and congrats by the way)he may still be feeling scared. Or he might just think he does not need the class, that you will do all the work so why does he need to go? So once you identify why he is hesitant than you will probably be able to convince him to go. Let us know what happens, good luck!

BTW, there is a great book, i fyou cant get him to go to the class. it is by Alan Thick (the dad from growing pains) he is hilarious and write sthe book for men in their "language". Its called how men have babies. it might not be in print anymore, so you may need to order it through a book store. My husband NEVER reads and he loved it.

This is maybe a different point of view from what you are expecting, but here goes. My husband and I started having babies in our thirties. We never even considered going to a childbirth class. Everything I needed to know was found in "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and "What to Expect The First Year". I literally never had a question that couldn't be answered in those books. But I'm a big reader, so that approach suited me really well.

I wish you luck on finding a good solution.

Why is the question I would ask him. He must have some reason for not wanting to go. Find out what is bothering him. He might be afraid of blood or something. THGen I would go from there.
C. B

Tell him it's required or you won't be able to attend. That's what I told my alpha-male, overly macho military husband. He bought it, attended, and had a surprisingly great time! And regardless, the class was large and only one woman didn't have her husband with her and had to do all the exercises with the instructor. Most the exercises are team related because your husband is your coach, helping you through labor. Trust me, he really needs to be there. My husband got into it after the experience and was SUPER during my actual labor.

My husband hated childbirth class. Ended up we only went to 3 of the 5, 'cause I thought it was pretty remedial redundant as I had spent a LOT of time in a prenatal yoga class.

I told my man that he is my support person (which he really truly was while in labor) and if we're both going to be well informed the birthing class is part of it all. I also told him the dates of the class and how many classes there were, but then left him alone. The worst thing I can do is pester him about a thing that makes him uncomfortable. I let him ruminate on it a while, and he came around...there was grumbling which I ignored. While it is good to be informed about hospital procedures, etc. I am inclined to agree that men aren't necessarily meant to be involved with childbirth, it really is women's domain. I was really glad that he was there though, we truly brought our daughter into the world together--with doc's help of course.

Honestly the childbirth and nursing classes my husband and I attended were more like a rite of passage, and by the time we took them we had read everything in books and got lots of info from friends. The only really beneficial part was being already being familiar with the hospital where I was going to deliver and just being around a bunch of other couples in the same boat. That being said, every mom had her partner there, so I would have felt a little out of sorts without my husband, but I doubt anyone would have cared. Also, being as emotional as I was when I was pregnant, I probably would have mad at my husband for not doing anything I asked - you know, the whole, I'm carrying OUR child thing! ;) Congrats!

J.,
It's completely normal for a husband to not understand why he should have to go to any birthing classes. He is probably thinking like most men do, "She's the one who has to do all the work, I just have to be there and be supportive." Well in a way he's right, but how to be supportive and what kind of things to expect, they don't have a clue. Unfortunately you probably won't change his mind, so you need a back up plan. Ask a friend or relitive to come to the birthing classes with you. Then let him know. He will be all for it or change his mind about going. If he loves the idea, Set it up to where you can have both your husband and your birthing partner be in the hospital room with you when you go into labor. That way he can be supportive and your partner will be both supportive and know some of the things that can happen in birth and can help. If he changes his mind, which is rare, great then he'll know some of the things to expect and can be a bigger help than just supportive. You just need to be prepared for you and the baby. Which by the, Congradulations to you and your husband on your new baby boy. Good luck and enjoy giving birth, although it can be painful it is all completely worth it, and you totally forget any pain you may have once you have that little baby in your arms.
Hope this has helped
E.

I am in complete agreement with Lindsey M. I had the same problem with my husband, but as soon as I told him that I needed to go for ME and needed him there as support, it wasn't such a big deal. He understood. He did get moody before we went (but we would get dinner before hand and after I'd play x-box with him or do something he wanted to do in turn), but there he was very supportive in the class...doing exercises with me and helping me practice at home and he found it helpful with the breathing when I was in labor (and he won the diaper changeing/swaddling contest they held...and we made friends with another couple in the class and still get together quite often- and we met my doula there!). I think in hindsight, I got more out of the classes than him, but I did feel more comfortable knowing that he knew some of what I was going through since we ended up having complications, the information from the class helped us both make an educated decision about what to do and I didn't have to waste lots of valuable time explaining what was going on to my husband. I hope this helps.

In the end, if he doesn't want to go, ask a girl friend or someone else to go with you to the classes who will be present at the birth so they can help with the relaxation and breathing and making informative decisions (or explain things to the dad). Good luck!

The classes are educational, but as one mom said, most of it goes out the window when you are in the middle of labor. My husband and I took the classes, and we did learn a lot about techniques I could use to ease the pain. As it turned out our son was breech, we had to do emergency C-cection. I didn't get to use anything I learned until our little girl was born. The only thing I used was my breathing techniques until I couldn't stand the pain anymore after 5 hours and got the drugs. Then it was smooth sailing. There are two really good things about the birth classes. 1)you get to become familiar with the hospital and the rooms you will be using. 2)your husband gets to put on a "pregnant body" that is weighted so he can get an idea of how hard it is to walk, bend over, get up off the floor, carry things, just function in general when you are carrying around a watermellon for the last few months. It was hillarious to see my husband and all those men dressed like that. My husband was sweating when it was over, and became very helpful after that. I would have the conversation with your husband though about why he doesn't want to attend with you. If it is reasonable, get a friend, mom or sister to go with you, and read lots of books to share the info with your husband. Some guys just have a hard time getting involved when it comes to what is going on with a woman's body. We think they should automatically get excited and want to do everything when it comes to preparing for the baby, but guys are built different. Don't stress over it. It's not good for you or the baby to stress out.

I'm expecting my third child and I have never attended any childbirth classes. I didn't go because I didn't want to, but rest assured, my husband would have put up some resistance, too. Don't stress yourself out about it. Learn what you can and don't sweat the rest. It is a beautiful experience and there are plenty of professional people around you to help you through! Best of luck!

The childbirth classes that my husband & I went to, was a waste of money!! Plus, the classes were long and the chairs were uncomfortable. I wouldn't watse your money!! Rent a DVD about child birth.

I dragged my husband to Bradley Method classes when we were pregnant with our first, and I can honestly say that they were amazing and life-altering. It was so worth the hassle and eye-rolling from my hubby, because when I went into labor, he was *amazingly* helpful and qualified to advocate for me and our baby, instead of just standing there, feeling stressed and wringing his hands. The class really helped him shift his macho ideas from "I'm too cool to learn about this stuff" to "I'm too much of a man to let anyone do anything to my wife and baby without her explicit consent, and if anyone is going to help her, it will be me."
He was reluctant to go to our Bradley classes, but I said that the classes were part of being a dad, and that it was important to me and my ability to feel excited about welcoming the baby to know that he was willing to learn things with me, and it would be a very appreciated way for him to show his love for both of us. Being pregnant and understanding everything I could about pregnancy and birth are part of my job as a mom, and so learning about those things and how to truly help (beyond saying "what can I do, honey?") is part of being a loving husband and dad. You both will always do everything you can to make good decisions on behalf of your child, and I think those decisions start long before your baby is born. An excellent childbirth education class will help him get over some hang-ups (like the idea that it's "yucky." Perhaps some positive peer pressure from the other dads in the class (some of whom might be more enthusiastic about the class than he is) also might help him. A good teacher is used to reluctant fathers. . . our culture really undermines the role of a dad, and makes new dads feel like they've accidentally walked into a ladies' dressing room if they learn anything about "woman stuff." But welcoming a baby is "parent stuff," not only "woman stuff," and so it's OK to feel like you want your husband with you and not whine about it. Good luck!

One option to consider is Boot Camp for Dads. I don't know where you live but it is offered in Boulder, Longmont and other places throughout the country. It is a short class - only one session, and is for guys only. The class is more about dealing with things (baby and mom) after the child arrives, but it might also help your hubby see the possibility that the other classes might be worthwhile too. Another option is a condensed course. I did the childbirth class in a weekend (offerred at the Longmont Hospital)- this way he only has to go a couple of times.
Good luck with the delivery and your new pecious child.

My husband was the same way, only he didn't tell me he didn't want to go. Instead, he just worked late and didn't pick me up to go...we only had one car at the time. So we ended up not have the class. Don't push your husband, most men just can't see the point in going. After our baby was born, I agreed, there really isn't anything they can do to prepare you, every birth is different, the doctors and nurses will walk you through it, and besides women were having babies for thousands of years without going to school first!! So stop worrying, if you want to know what is gonna happen, read a book, talk to other moms, ask questions when you go to the doctor. You will be fine.

Does he understand that going to the class will help you to be prepared for what is going to happen? It is much easier to handle all of it after taking the classes, the best alternative would include his attending with you but even if you have to go without him I'd suggest that you do it.

Good luck and I hope that your husband will go with you.

Wow!! This sounda all to familiar. When I was pregnant with our first child my husband wondered that same thing. My response was "I don't know how many watermelons you have squeezed out, but I would kind of like to know what to expect with my first." He laughted but I think he got it.

What if you recommended he goes to Daddy Boot Camp class. Did he give any indication as to why he doesn't want to attend a childbirth class? Has he ever thought about the "what if's" of things that could possibly happen during childbirth?
Take it from me, who had an emergency C-section after a very normal pregancy and normal 6 hours of laboring, things don't always turn out the way you envision and you should be a bit more prepared. If it is that he just ins't interested in attending at the hospital, do private or head to a smaller setting wellness and resource center like Sweet Beginnings in downtown Littleton. Anyway you look at it, especially being your first, you want some sort of knowledge of labor before it happens. Good Luck!

We never took classes. I read books and talked with friends and family. Everyone I talked t said the classes really didn't help, so I didn't see the point. I would ask your husband why he doesn't want to do it. Be nice about it. It could be that he doesn't want to risk watching something that might bother him. My husband has no problem watching me do it, but to watch someone else give birth really bothers him. When I worked in an OB/GYN office, every class we offered required films to watch. Some guys just don't want to see other women do that. Don't push the issue. Try to be understnading of his reasons for his feelings. If he won't go, you both could probably read some books together. Or you go to the class and tell him what you learned. Good luck and congrats.

First ask him why he doesn't want to go. Tell him it would make you feel better if he went. My husband thought it was lame at first, but then confessed afterwards that he wasn't as scared and had some what an idea what to expect. I was the one who went through all the labor, but he gained the confidence he needed in order to help me. It is hard for a husband to know his role in the delivery room, these classes help them know their options and make them apart of this beautiful moment.

My husband didn't really want to go to the classes either. Once he realized that other husbands would be there, he felt a little better.

Go to the class, take notes and then share them later with your husband. Not all men are comfortable with the classes and some don't like to be in the labor room. My husband was both, I always had back up for the labor room (didn't bother with classes) one friend who would be there from beginning to end, and I gave my husband permission to leave at any time, only once, out of 5 births with me, did he leave and the other 4 he stood at the head of the bed, touching my arm, with his face squarely planted into the wall, such a wuss. He said it my pain that gets to him, and he feels guilty, like I wasn't there when it happened :)! I wouldn't push it, find out his reason why he doesn't want to go and then respect it, but don't let it stop you from going to the class.

if he's very confused why should you torture him? I'd suggest you take the class, learn all you can there, then come home and re-tell what is important for him to know about what was taught in the class. As he is excited about the baby, there is NO worry, right? He may be confused because it is not considered very much a man's thing: giving birth to babies, or 'cause so many ladies with their big tummies will be coming there, or whatever other reason. I'd say it is very important for both of you to BE HAPPY, and if he is miserable there, maybe it is not so important to drag him through the misery... he needs a good mood and attitude to all the preparations of the baby's coming, this will play a greater role than one frustrated husband near you, J.... good luck, stay happy, both of you!

J.,
For about six months I have been offering a couples class and the main reason it was not well attended is the huge resistance of the husbands.

(1) You get to be in a space of neutral -- realizing that this class is very important to you, it stands to reason that you probably get very emotional when trying to talk to your husband about him not wanting to attend. I invite you to acknowledge how you are feeling and then get to a space where all you want to do is truly understand what your husband is feeling.

(2) You get to simply listen to what he wants to share. The more that you give him permission to say anything and everything and only ask clarifing questions, the more likely it will be that he will feel safe enough to share.

(3) Once he has had an opportunity to clearly tell you how he feels, you can both decide what will work for you.

I invite you to be open to the possibility that in the long run attending the class together will not be what works for the two of you. Then again, after being able to share all his concerns, you might be surprised at how supportive your husband will be.

Wishing you all the best With my whole heart,
C.

When I was pregnant with my son my husband didn't want to go to the childbirth class if it was the 6 weeks, once a week. So I did the consolidated childbirth class that was a Friday night for a couple of hours and then Saturday for like 8 hours. Once we attended he made him feel much better and understood what I would be going through. If you are doing the childbirth class that is once a week for 6 weeks he may think that is a waste. You might check to see if they have something in a weekend. I was glad we did it that way. Good luck

Hi J.,

I would agree with the other women really try to encourage him. If he really doesn't want to go don't push him, he will end up not learning anything and not being of any help in the labor room. If he won't attend class consider hiring a Doula, or get a girlfriend to attend classes and help you out when you go into labor. Is is so important for you and the baby to have a good support system when you are in labor.

I'm not sure where you are located but I am in the Vail Valley if you need any help or suggestions, I am a Doula.

This is easy for you to be excited about because you are the one who is pregnant. Your husband is detached from the situation. I would suggest to him that the class would make it more real for him. That's what my husband said of the experience. Also, the class is really meant for your husband so he can help you with the labor. He's probably nervous that this will be the stereotypical class in which all these women sit around doing breathing exercises. It is so much more than that. We were so glad to go. We met other parents in the class who have become very good friends. It is nice for the women to bond with the women and the men to bond with the men. It's an opportunity to relate to people who are going through the same thing as you are. Make it a date night. Go out to dinner beforehand or afterwards. If none of that works, tell him it's his responsibility as your husband and as the baby's father to take this class so that he is prepared for the labor. Congratulations!

We took a class...I'm happy we took it.
"I'm about to go through painful labor, shoot a bowling ball out of my vagina and never have the same body again. Do you think you could just do this one thing for me?"
Or just explain how very important it is to you and that you would appreciate it so much if he could do this with you.
Or you could let him know you've chosen a new birthing partner who is going to attend the birth with you since you will need someone there who is knowledgeable to help you get through the birth. Or all of the above... Here's the thing...it might be all good and nice to 'respect' his feelings and all that...and you can respect his feelings just like I understand that my children don't want to go to school and then they go anyway...but the fact of the matter is that I have had 3 children, loved the whole process except pregnancy. If you can go through what you are going to go through (which is wonderful, scary, painful...before the epidural if you are getting one) he can go to a darned birthing class with you.

Did he say why he didn't want to go? Maybe he thinks it's like in the movies or that he'll just know what to do when the time comes or that you'll just be able to fill him in after the class. Anyway, you need to find out why.

If he just thinks it will be boring and useless, then I would just explain to him that you would like him to go if only to support you and your desire to attend the class. Tell him how much it would mean to you if he came with you. That your scared, nervous, excited, happy, etc, about having a baby and that you really need his full-support - not only during labor but during all the other stuff, like classes and books, etc. That you'd like him to be aware of what is happening during the labor and delivery because you won't be a state of mind to explain it to him. Hopefully, he'll go just because you want him to and put your desires ahead of his.

Best wishes.

Hi J.,

There are alot of things my husband is great at and I appreciate him for his talents and I love him for who he is, but one thing he couldn't stomach is being with me when I delivered. He was so scared for me, and quite honestly, because of his fear, it was better he wasn't with me. I went natural and he would have been a distraction.

I did hire a Doula, her name is Karen Voss, the sweetest lady and she coached me thru my birth. She was with me for 24 hours of labor. It was the best money we ever spent. Even if my husband was in the room, I still would have hired a Doula. I think we put too much expections on our partners to know how to coach us.
Karen Voss ###-###-#### You can also check out Colorado Doulda's

Maybe he has a fear an just doesn't know how to express it to you.

Good Luck

L.

Dont stress about it. My dh didn't want to go to a class but i read lots of books and he read the parts i asked him to read. when i was laboring, he was a champ. he did perfectly and calls himself 'the birthing partner' like one book did. he has been the greatest through 5 births now w/o one class, 3 of whiich were completely natural births. I believe classes just aren't for all men, they are great birthing partners and dads but have a hard time getting into the class thing. good luck

Do you know why he doesn't want to go? What does he expect of them, what has he heard about them?

Why do you want him to go? That sounds like a silly question, but really look at all the reasons you want him to go so that you understand what it is you want and need during your first birth. Do you want him to be more involved with the pregnancy? If so what does that look like? Do you want him to be well informed to help you, if so what does that look like? Do you want to compare him to other fathers? Do you want to laugh with him at other fathers (I'm being facitious). Do you want to spend more time with him? Would you like him to go to pre-natal appointments with you?

Maybe you can find things he's already doing that meet those needs/wants, and see if there is anything you may be taking for granted.

Also, if he's not, maybe there are other people you can get those needs met through. For instance, if you want him to be a support to you during the birth, and he won't go to the prep classes you could hire a doulah to be there for you.

If he doesn't want to go, don't make him. He'll just be mad the whole time and then you'll be mad that he's mad and stress doesn't help when your taking the classes. Just go yourself or take a family member or friend...when you get home tell him what you learned and how much fun it was and how there were so many other men there...let him know he won't be the only male who doesn't want to be there! But don't force him.

Hire a doula and let him stay out of it. I think sometimes we put too much pressure on dads to be everything for their wives when in reality they are not all cut out for it. Most dads do amazingly well just following their instincts when the it is time for the birth, they support their wives by just loving them they way they always do. Your husband may have a better experience if he isn't required to do a bunch of things that feel really uncomfortable for him.

Just the $.02 of a doula with a husband who only went to one class.

Well,
I guess you should mention to him that you're going to be in your most vulnerable state while in labor and unable to make any decisions--it will be up to him to know his stuff and protect you and be able to say "yes" or "no" to the overwhelming amount of options at the hospital--or the home, whichever you choose. "This isn't wedding planning amigo! ;) You've got to participate."

There are plenty of good books out there--"The Thinking Woman's Guide to Childbirth" by Henci Goer is one of my favorites for helping understand all the decisions that take place.

Congrats New Mommy and best to you!
J