Seeking Advice About Building a Child's Confidence.

Hi K..
There is a website specifically designed to help kids build self-esteem. This is the link: http://www.tigerwoodsfoundation.org/. There is another website, used to help homeschoolers & teachers to teach kids social skills. This is the link: http://www.cccoe.net/social/skillslist.htm. Although the website has an annoying background audio sound, there is quite an impressive list.

I agree with Amy. I had a similar problem with my 2nd son. My husband is law enforcement and we thought the best way would be martial arts. It is not meant to make the child mean, but to teach discipline and self confidence. AND if need be she will be able to protect herself. When she starts, its not something she wants to start shouting to her classmates, not even those who may be her friends, it can cause more trouble. She just wants to learn. Hopefully, she will never have to use it. My son showed the talent just once; he was no longer be bullied. Being at a Catholic school, all involved told the same story, my son received no discipline, but the perpetrators instigating the situation, were disciplined by having to clean school grounds.

You have to talk to the teacher! If you trust your daughter is in a good school--or even more so if you don't, you need to bring this issue to her teacher's attention, and if you don't get anywhere, go to the principal. I am a teacher and I expect parents to communicate concerns like this to me. Teachers can't always be aware of every social issue, and the art of bullying is defined by how well the bully hides his/her actions from adults. As a teacher, I recommend giving her some one-on-one time with you--maybe go shopping, out to lunch, or to the aquarium or museum. Do something fun. This may help her clear her mind and get her to open up to you about it in a more relaxed way. Talk to her about what bullying is and validate her fears and anxieties. Offer suggestions of how you might handle a similar situation with another adult--and really think about this--what would you do in her situation? Reassure her that you know she is lovely and strong and humorous, and other people (her bullying peers) may be hiding their own insecurities behind their mean actions toward her. Most importantly: talk to her teacher, validate her feelings, and reassure her about the person you know her to be. Good luck!

Hi K.,
Is your child's school aware of her difficulty? In our school, my daughter enjoys going to a group called 'Lunch Bunch' with the adjustment councilor and a handful of other children. Its like group therapy for children. They chat about a variety of things, directed by the kids, facilitated by the councilor. My little girl has multiple disabilities, but the others in her group don't. They all have some level of difficulty socially. This group helps the children build self-confidence and social skills, including understanding/managing bullies & manipulative 'friends'.

My advice would be to contact her school and ask if they could perhaps help out in some way.

Kristie, Sounds like your family is a carbon copy of mine. My 8 year old has two friends that are very possessive of her n the way you describe. I've handled it in several ways- I make sure she is not in their class each year, she and I talk often about her right to have whatever friends she wants and no one can tell her otherwise and if they do they aren't good friends. I'm also involved in our PTA and at school so I get to know the kids around her and facilitate the healthy friendships. I also talk with her teacher often about how she is doing and any concerns I have so she can keep an eye out. I even talked with one of the girls about her bossing when she was at my house one time. My house, my rules!! Lastly, I actually bring my daughter to a Dr. who does energy medicine called BEST to help her to not respond physically to the stress- she tends to internalize things! I think the rest of the advice people gave is great as well. We are our childs advocates, but we have to prepare them for dealing with all sorts of people. I feel your angst and hope this helps!!

Hi Kristie,

I have two little girls as well and my youngest is innately more confident than her older sister. My older daughter is much more sensitive and anxious. When she was in kindergarten she became extemely anxious wasn't sleeping well and her school work suffered to the point where she was kept back. I ultimately put her in therapy because I was so concerned with her anxiety level. We finally discovered that another little girl who is very precocious and a real confident, ringleader type had told my daughter that she was cursed and my daughter believed this literally with as you can see above with very serious consequences! I am happy to say that today she has matured quite a bit, although she continues to be very sensitive as it is part of her nature, she is succeeding in school and she has close friendships with other children. I think you are doing some great things helping your daughter build confidence through success in other areas. I think it would be fine at this age to take an active part in initiating friendships between your daughter and another child whom you feel is a more appropriate playmate. If she can gain confidence by establishing a close friendship with one other classmate by hosting playdates etc., your daughter might begin to become more discerning and realize the toxic nature of this other young girl and learn to avoid these types of interactions. Sensitive types want everyone to like them and will put all their energy into trying to make this one person like them that they miss out on opportunities to forge more healthy relationships. Sensitive types internalize everything and worry alot about how people feel about them that they lose perspective that otherwise would tell them they really don't even enjoy the company of this more aggressive child. The more aggressive child however gets their ego fed by controlling and humiliating others so they have a powerful impulse to continue this behavior! I would intercede right away. Best Wishes!

J. L.

My son (who is now 9 year old) started off as being easily pushed around (mainly by his little cousins) because he wanted so much to make everyone happy (and for as smart as he is, he can be extremely gullable), he just did what they said to do. We signed him up for Martial Arts and it made a huge difference. They taught him to have the self confindence to stand up for himself. Not through fighting, but through words and behavior. We made sure we enforced that at home as well, and we tell him to be proud of who he is. When he was in 1st grade (we homeschool now though) we had a similar problem with this one kid. He took my son for a sap and acted like his best friend inthe world but would constantly get my son in trouble by "daring" him to do things because it would be cool. We sat him down, quite a few times, and did almost like a "pro's and con's" list. We would have him tell us WHY this boy is his friend. When he would give me the "well, he... and he..." I was able to add to the "con" list with "but he doesn't... he hurts your feelings by...". For some reason, he was completely drawn to this kid. Finally, it sunk in and he realized that this boy was only using him. During all of this, I did my best to set up playdates with some of the other mom's so he could develop stronger friendships with other kids. I wish you the best! Good Luck!

Hi K.,
My daughter is seven and a firecracker, however, she is going throught the same scenario at school. She tries to not play with the "gatekeeper" little girl but tells me she doesn't want to hurt her feelings. My suggestion is to make friends with other Moms in the class and try to have play dates with the nice kids, so your daughter can build better relationships with them. I tried to talk with the "gatekeeper Mom and she said that my daughter and her daughter have strong personalities. However, her daughter is spoiled and bullies all the other kids in the class. One little girl told my daughter "she wished she was a BOY so the "gatekeeper" would be so mean to her! Fight for your daugther because I intend to see the principal about the "gatekeepers" awful behavior. DS

Hi there,
It would definitely be a good idea to talk with her teacher about it and set up some proactive steps to take both in and out of school. I agree with the other teacher who responded and said that teachers aren't aware of everything that happens socially, but we are very committed to developing the whole child. It sounds like your daughter isn't the only one who needs some social adjustment... the girl(s) who "gatekeep" her also need to learn some more appropriate social skills. The guidance councelor can and should get involved. At our school the councelor conducts social groups that cover a range of social situations and skills.

School is more than just academic, and the great thing about school is that kids have the opportunity to learn about so many other children and, in turn, learn about themselves.
Goodluck!

If your child goes to Mullen-Hall, have you addressed this with the Ms. Noonan or Wendy Risko? They are FABULOUS and will help!

I know you said she did sports and dance but you may want to try Karate. Find a good school near you with a good instructor who will build her self confidence. My 4 year old daughter takes karate and there are a lot of kids that are there to do the same thing that you are looking to do.

Also, look in your community, they usually offer classes that help with exactly what you want your child to have, self confidence. Good luck!

Hi K.,

I am sorry your daughter is going through this. It's possible that in time she will build the strength and confidence to not care what people think, but in the meantime...I think all you can do is be there for her and tell her there will always be people in the world who have to control situations. It's usually a lack of something in their own lives. I am not a professional by any means, this is just my own thought. Also, you could talk to her teachers and just ask them to keep an eye on things. So that they can step in if need be. If your daughter has a couple of really good close friends that are nice, you could always get them together to do things and that might make her happier. Remind her that her real friends will always stick by you no matter what. Talking to her doctor about it also may help.
I hope this helps a little bit. I have a 7 yr old son who says he doesn't care if people get upset, he is going to do what makes him happy. :) I know, easier said than done sometimes.

Good luck,
B.

Have you ever considered homeschooling? I homeschool my now 8 year old daughter. I started homeschooling for numerous reasons. She did start school in a school on her kindergarten year. She did have a friend that would tell her that she couldn't be friends with other girls if my daughter wanted to keep her friendship. My daughter loved this girl. So she didn't play with the other girls. This isn't why I started homeschooling, but it bothered me so much! I thought and worried about it all the time. There are a lot of myths about homeschooling that make it sound unappealing. I was terrified when I started, but now, I can't imagine not homeschooling. By the way I am not a certified teacher. What qualifies me is that I know my children better than anyone else. You learn to be very resourceful through homeschooling. There are wonderful support groups in our area, both secular and Christian. There are numerous social gatherings and classes for homeschoolers. Anything from academic classes to discounted homeschoolers ice skating. If you think this is something to consider you should do some online research or take out some books from your library or CWMARS online search through western mass libraries. You can have books sent to your library. You only have to be considering homeschooling to join the support groups. You can find contact people for these by google searching "western mass homeschooling".
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide. My heart goes out you.
Power Girls in Easthampton and Amherst are excellent martial arts programs for girls designed to boost self esteem and give them the power to say no.
E.

Have you consider homeschooling her? I homeschooled my two and it helped so much with confidence, independence and they are two wonderful adults now! My son went halfway through 2nd grade and was sick, didn't sleep well and had friend issues. When I pulled him out, he improved the first 3 days and never again had a problem! Sometimes school is NOT a good place for children to grow up and it is not bad that they need something different.

Hi Kristie,
I work with kids quite a bit and have never found anything as helpful as EFT. It's a very empowering tool for them-simple, easy and fun! If you go to my website-www.eft-ayurveda.com, then go to the links page, you can click on emofree.com and type in 'children's issues'. There you will find lots of hopefully helpful case stories. Feel free to write if you have any questions.
Regards,
Stephanie