Second Child or Not?

One of the greatest gifts you can give a child is a sibling. You will not regret it. Yes it will be more challenging, there will be the sibling rivalry but at the same time you will see the love they have for each other.
I was 34 when I had my first and 36 with my second. You will find the energy and when you don't have the energy the older sibling will be great at keeping the younger one entertained!

If I were you going just off what you've told us, I would wait. You have plenty of time to have more kids. I had mine at 36 and 38 as did most of my friends. Wait until debt is paid and maybe there's a job with medical benefits. Start using sittercity or care.com to build up a few vetted and reliable sitters so you can get out more. Also realize that there are many happy families of three! I'm the product of one of them. If you never have another -that will be okay too, but you definitely have some time to decide!

I would go for it. Even 4 years apart, they can be great friends. Not just growing up, but as adults, too. I really enjoy the relationship my kids have with each other, as well as the relationship I have with my own brother, and my husband has with his.

Hi J.,
We're a family of 3 and love it. We also started much later than you (I was 37 when I had our daughter; she's now 6) so that was also a factor. I'd recommend writing out the pros/cons of having another child. From our perspective, this is what we enjoy about only having one child (I might add that we DO live near family and our child has cousins close in age that she is close to)

1. One child is less stressful! My patience is rarely stretched too thin (I'm NOT a very patient person by nature)

2. More funds on hand for outings/vacations -- we LOVE to travel

3. More one-on-one time with our child

4. No sibling rivalry or fighting

5. More time with my husband at night

6. Easier to focus on one child's homework at night

7. We only have a two bedroom house :)

8. Saving for college will be easier

9. My husband and I never have to "divide and conquer" as I see all of our friends having to do w/ their kids

10. After nursing for 21 months, my boobs are still in pretty good shape. Doing it again? Forgetaboutit!!

11. I have the energy to play with our daughter!

12. Every little thing is special w/ our daughter :)

13. Family is very willing to watch one child while we have our adult time. Two or more? Don't think that would happen.

14. We honestly couldn't afford another child, whethere we were up for it or not

15. For us, one child is easier on our marriage

16. We're the 3 muskateers and a really close family

17. I never have to go through infancy stage again!

Good luck!! ;)

My husband was an only child and loved it.
I have a younger sister (22 months apart) - we fought like cats and dogs till we grew up and moved away from home - and we still don't get along.
I wished I was an only child.
We have our one son.
He loves being an only child.
He doesn't want to share me with another sibling and it's great we don't have to split time/attention/resources.
When he has a concert or activity - we don't have to worry about schedule conflicts.
I create my own support system - my Mom lives 3 states away (and I wouldn't consider calling my sister if she were the last person on earth).
If you want another, then fine - have another.
But there's a lot to be said for just enjoying one child as fully as you can.

We have a one and only 16 yr old daughter by choice and we have no regrets at all.

We are financially sound enough to support more than one but our family felt complete at 1 so that is how we knew.

All our family is a plane ticket away and that does not effect how we parent our daughter.

She is not a spoiled brat only child. You see plenty of brats that have siblings.

She will not be burdened with us as we age. We did not have her in order to set up our retirement. We did that and her college before she was born.

We love to pick up and go as far as travel. We fly a lot, enjoy many good things, and we are a team.

There are a lot of factors and no really right or wrong answers.

OK. I am biased, but I do have two. SO if in your situation, I would go for it! I would have the two and yes, energy is fleeting, but so worth it. I am amazed at the great dynamic my kiddos have and while there are certainly challenges, it is incredible to have another sweetie in our lives.
ALso, I have never had family support near by (three states away!) and have built a great "family" of friends to support us!
Good luck with your decision:)

1. Support system does not necessarily mean family. Our family lives states away and we have found good friends and babysitters in the local area who help us out when needed.

2. You're YOUNG! I'm 35 and expecting #2 in August. My daughter is 3.5 and I couldn't imagine having had kids when I was any younger. Your energy will come from your kids.

3. There is nothing better or worse with 2 kids. Onlies are wonderful (I'm an only and LOVE it) and sibilings do not guarantee life-long friendship (my husband is one of 7 and they hardly talk). So no one choice is better than the other--it's your/your child(ren)'s life experience.

Whatever happens--enjoy the ride!

My mom and dad were only children and they both didn't want to do that to their child. So they had two. My brother and I were 2.5 years apart. I had 8 kids. It was a great decision. Only in nightmares do I imagine how much poorer my life would be if I only had two. If you love your one and have had good experiences with your one you will have more good experiences with another one or two.

As far as the "energy" goes to keep up with one, with two or three the oldest tends to play with the younger ones releasing you to do other things. For us, One was the most difficult to raise and take care of. Two actually took less effort than one. Three was easier still. Five was a breeze compared to three, and 8 was the easiest of all. I don't know why it worked out that way, it just did. Maybe we became better managers.

It may seem like work now, but you will be so happy later on that you had more than one. My wife had our last at 34. I have a DIL who just had one at 40 and she is delighted.

Good luck to you and yours.

A)What would I do? I'd probably have another one, based on what you wrote. We hired a maid for the postpartum period, and double and triple batch cooked during the pregnancy so when my little surprise came along 18 months after her sister was born we didn't have to cook or clean. Cloth diapers went on hiatus too. EVERYTHING was disposable. My support network is decent, but not totally reliable so I wasn't taking chances.

B) HOWEVER, your support network wouldn't be the only thing to ask about, I would think. My older daughter really has a personality that needs a sibling to balance her out. The babies are both still under two but I can already see amazing chemistry between them. They are SO good for each other. On the other hand, my little sister (oldest of my mom's second marriage) really, really, REALLY should have been an only child. Her personality does not tolerate her younger siblings very well...this is hard to explain in a post but maybe this makes sense to you.

Also, if you are happy, then you are happy! Don't mess with a good thing. I always thought I'd have a son, so when we realized we didn't want any more children, I had to deal with that idea...and found it surprisingly easy. I like my family just how it is.

Good luck!

I would have another one. Right now your daughter is an only child, and I don't care how many friends she has around, it does not take the place of a sibling, and I feel that they miss out on so much without that. I wouldn't let the lack of family close by play into your decision. Lots of people don't have family support, but that is not a reason to have just one kid. Wouldn't you still be taking care of them 99% of the time? We are a military family and have never had family living close by. I wish we did have our family close to us, but we do not need to have them close to us in order for us to take care of them the way we should. I think you would regret it, just my opinion. Mom to three girls, 6,3, and 16 months.

I have four and do not regret any one of them.
I had my last one at 35, I may be a little bit slower but not much. Plus the others kept the littlest pretty busy.
The funny thing is, it's now that they are 10, 13 and 16 that I need the energy to stay up late to wait for my daughter to get home, or to time at swim meets until midnite, or to run all over town to get this one to art lessons, that one to church, all of them to the pool, host 4 13 year olds who do not sleep and giggle all night.
Sometimes I long for the days when the 3 youngest went to bed at 7:30 and still napped.

And my hubby is military so my family became my neighbors. My mother didn't see my little guy until he was 6 months old. You make your support system by befriending those around you.
Be there for them and they will be there for you.

Go ahead, I would.

I'm a big believer in second kids...so much so that I've done it twice! I had my first when I was 21, a boy, and my second when I was 23, a girl. Crappy marriage, long story...but wonderful kids. We divorced when they were like 3 and 4, and for about 8 years afterwards I was a single mom. Two kids ARE a little more work, but it more than makes up for it to have them to play together, to back each other up at school and in social situations, learn to love someone who isn't their benefactor, learn to share, and learn that they're not the center of the freakin' universe, which can be a problem with only kids.

In 2003 I met my now-husband, and in 2009 we decided to have more kids! We had one girl, and just last year, a boy. Now that my older two are almost on their own, we didn't want kid #3 to grow up feeling like an only child. So basically two sets of two, 18 years apart.

Kids are difficult, no question there, but I really think that the camaraderie they can share during their childhood makes it worthwhile to go for two or more. :) Just my opinion.

CAVEAT: My husband is an only child, and he's awesome.

We are actually riding a similar boat. I'm 32 now, my son is three and our family is actually outside the country! We go out when they come to visit or we visit them. Same deal. I stay home and hubby moved us here for work. Sounds similar. Our goal is to have another child. Energy level may not be the same but the love may be stronger as we already had a practice run with the first one. If you are financially comfortable, in a sound marriage and wishing for another one, go ahead. What is really holding you back? If you can answer that and still move ahead, go for it. Friends are always near by and family can come to visit and help those first few weeks if needed. The kids may even entertain themselves as they grow together... therefore needing a bit less energy since they have someone to run around with. :)
Enjoy your family! There is no right or wrong in these cases.

I can't relate exactly. Insurance is part of my husbands pay, and we were only 21 when we had our first child. But I can still tell you how we felt, and maybe you can take something from it. Budget was a huge factor, it seemed we were always broke and I wanted to stay home. We still lament the fact that it can be hard to get a babysitter, and I have days where my patience is absolutely pushed to the edge. My husband is in the military, so our family is all 1-2 days drive away or more. But I don't regret our decision to have more children. What it came down to in the end was simple, what did we want? We knew we could make all the other things work somehow, but if we ignored what we truly wanted, we might regret it. We now have 4 children. It's been rough, it still is sometimes. But overall, we are all very happy. My kids are 11, 8, 7, and 5. We budget, and save, and plan for babysitters far in advance. But it's all worth it. And my support system has been my church and my friends for the most part. There was a 4 year period in one place that was a bit desolate, but we made it through. I'm only 32 now, and I honestly can't imagine what it would be like to just be starting out. I have friends that are though. My MIL had a child at 40. I've been listening to her complain for years that she wishes she could just be a grandma, she's too worn out. But she'd also already raised two kids into adulthood, and I imagine that makes a difference.

Personally I would work on having that second child :)
There will never be a perfect situation in which to have a family....i.e because of distance from family....health...work..lifestyle. I have three..It is a lot to juggle but I have no regrets. Don't have regrets!! Also, while you're family may not be here. You certainly can create a support network with other families in your situation. I.e. so you can get those date nights. Look at joining a mom's group with your church, a MOPS group, neighborhood moms, Mothers and More in your area. If you can build relationships and trust these people it will make the world of difference.

If it were me? I would have a second child. If you wait for the perfect moment you will be waiting forever. We did the waiting game and our children are 8 and 9 years apart. We wanted them further apart rather than some who seem to pump them out one after another, lol, but this ended up being too far apart for us. But it is what it is. If it were me I would go ahead and have #2. I haven't heard a valid reason not to, as long as #1 is out of diapers first, lol.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Be happy with your one child for now. You have enough on your plate at this time. What would happen if your next child was special needs? There are no guarantees with pregnancies and babies. My girls are 5.3 yrs apart and we waited until we were in a good position to have her. They couldn't be closer! Wait, a couple more yrs and you will still be fertile and young enough to not be high risk.

I understand your situation is different, especially with having a support system so far away. But, really, this is your, your husband, and your daughter's lives here. I would think about how much another child would enrich your daughter's life, as well as your own. Do you think you'd be more lonely when your daughter goes to kindergarten in just a few short years? If so, you'd have another child at home to keep you company for a little while longer. I am currently pregnant with my third, and we chose to have multiple children because we love having siblings and wanted our kids to have siblings. But it's obviously your own decision, and I wish you the best either way!

If you are even thinking that you want a second, go for it. I don't think you will ever regret having another child, but you may regret it if you don't. Regardless of your situation, support system, age, energy level. If you want another child or even think you may want another, then I would.

We had our second when our first was 2 years, 9 months. It was a big adjustment. Our second child is so much ore difficult in so many ways, but I wouldn't change our decision and I'm happy we have the kids we have.

Good luck with your decision.

I love your "so what happened" update about having the decision taken out of your hands. :)

When my husband and I first got married, we both agreed that we'd have to think really hard about when/if we were ready for kids. Then we decided we'd go the "one and done" route. I was 31 when we had our daughter. We had a HUGE list of reasons why we only wanted one, and we were really happy. He used to always joke that our daughter was so perfect that we'd only be tempting fate if we had another (ie, why mess up a good thing?).

Now, I'm 33 wks pregnant with #2. I was totally happy with just having one (in fact, I was pretty stressed out when I first found out I was pregnant again), but he started having doubts when all his peers kept saying how much better it would be for DD if she had a sibling. So we weren't AS careful with birth control and voila! here we are. Oh, and I'll be almost 34 when this little one is born.

You say you both wanted 2 children, so I would go for it! Your family might not be close by, but you can always find other SAHMs/people to be your support system! Even an hour or two at playgroup or MOPs would help.

I am in a similar situation, although both my husband and I work out of the house...family several states away, we never go out unless a friend watches our son, who is 3.5 yrs old. But, to me, that doesn't matter. We were in this same situation when we decided to have children in the first place, and we always knew we wanted two. So, yes, we are trying for a second. For us, it's more about giving a sibling to our son, and experiencing the wonder of another child than it is that our family isn't nearby.

I have two (wanted more, but practicality stepped in) and I love how they are together! Nothing is more precious than my daughter teaching her little brother. Also, I had them at 31 and 34, so I think you'll make it, energy-wise.

I really want to say, though, that support systems come in many forms. My family is thousands of miles away, my in-laws are only 100 miles away but not in great physical shape, so I've found my mom friends are great at coming over for coffee or going out to the park when I just need to talk to an adult while their kids wear out mine, or swapping playdates or even swapping babysitting nights. (I watch their kids while my hubby watches ours, then we switch.) And, after years of looking, we found a great babysitter who lives down the street. We don't have a lot of money, but last weekend we paid her for three hours and just walked on the beach, which was free!

If you get your daughter in activities or go to MOMs group or church or library story times, you might just meet some other women who'd love to share support with you!

U don't need to rush it. I had my first and only at 41. No I don't have the energy I used to and my child is on the autism spectrum. Not easy but wouldn't change a thing. Do u want your child to have a sibling? If I were only 31 I would probably have another just so my son could have a sibling but keeping your sanity is most important for all involved so really think about it as u go about your day what u would be doing if there were 2. Just my 2 cents, good luck with whatever u decide!

I have been in your situation, and I decided not to decide...Two accidents later, we have a four-and-a-half y/o and a 4 month old. I don't regret a thing, although I was not thrilled about getting pregnant the 2nd time. I am happy now, though, and that's what counts. So, I understand the indecisiveness, but I also think that if you are financially stable (or as much as you CAN be nowadays) there's no real reason not to have another, unless you really don't want one. There are advantages to having only one child, just as there are advantages to having two. Personally, I decided not to have a second child, but ended up having one anyhow and it has really been wonderful so far. Definitely hard though, b/c family is far.

If you do decide to have another, you'll need to think about activities for your older child that require minimal attention from you during the first few months when the baby is so needy. Playgroups are good. We did swimming lessons and we go to the library a lot for story time and the other free activities they offer.

Also, don't forget that VPK is free in FL, so you'll be able to start your daughter when she's 4. That will give you 3 hours in the morning to do things.

Hi J.,
I am in my 60's with three, grown daughters----I am also an olnly child. I believe, due to my own experience, that you need to consider what it would be like for your child not to have any brothers or sistes. When I was younger, I had friends to play with, and not having a sister or brother did not bother me. As I have grown older, I sometimes wish I had a sister to talk with, maybe go shopping, talk on the phone, etc. I am blessed with some very close friends, and my husband and I are very close, but sometimes I just need to talk to another woman about my grown children, problems---and just to vent. My husband is good to talk with, but I find myself wondering what it would have been like to have had a close relationship with a brother or a sister. I feel very alone sometimes---all my friends have brothers or sisters, but are good enough friends to talk with me and go with me to different places, but I will always wonder, and feel a little alone. Hope this helps you a little!

I don't understand why you think you need family around. There your kids, you had them, you take care of them. My husband is in the military so we haven't lived near family in a few years, but we're doing fine. I do have friends who are very supportive and we are all away from family so we do things together and babysit swap.
If you have to ask other people and it looks like youve already weighed the pros and cons and still can't make up your mind, don't have another. Having a kid is something you had to be sure about (you already know that).

Well I would have a secound one. I have 3 boys and just found out yesterday I am prego with #4. I am also a SAHM and we never go out and I have a huge support system. Two is not that tough at all. My oldest are 3 years and 1 week apart and #1 was a willing and eager helper. I think if you want another child and a sibling for your daughter then go for it.

Have another baby! I think everyone should have at least 1 sibling... I have 4 of them (I'm the oldest)

Here is a great solution to no support system...

Yahoo! Groups! Go to them, plug in your town and playgroup...there are always a ton around in every city...:) These not only become your freind, but friends for your children. Many have babysitting co-ops (where you exchange babysitting kids free) Play dates, get togethers and lots of fun, AND sanity savers for yourself. I know it helped me a lot when my kids were younger. I homeschool, so they do not get sent out of the home, so I started a homeschool group...again, helps with sanity and can give you the break you need every so often...:)

Just my advice on that subject...:)

I had 2 kids to avoid the selfishness that can develop from only having one, to teach them how to negotiate, compromise, and understand that there is support in all ages....I am a product of siblings, but my hubby was an only child. I had to teach him how to not be so selfish, and some of the things creep me out, because it was things my brother did... (nothing bad or anything, just something many only children do to people they care about because they did not grow up with a sibling) *I* liked what having a sibling taught me...:)

My answer is yes. Have another. Every 'only child" I have known from my childhood up until now has 'issues'. They miss out on so much but especially life lessons that you can only learn by having other children in your home. Best of luck to you!
Mom of 3 boys ages 7, 5, and 3

We have 4 kids.... the first 3 were born within 4 years. (1982, 1984, 1986)

We lived 6 hours away from our families, but the support system was filled by our friends.

When #4 was 6 months old, we moved even farther away.. we are in Texas, our families are in Kansas, 12 hours away.

I was also a SAHM that did other things....I started working for a home party plan when #2 was 4 months old, then through the years, picked up a few other odd part-time jobs.

I really can't imagine life without my other kids! I'm not sure WHAT I would have done if I only had 1...... I'm a bit biased, I agree... but hubby and I both came from families with 4 kids.

Yes, life was insane at times, but I don't think I would have changed a thing!

i don't see why not. i think you are more likely to regret not having one than having one.

It seems that if you wanted two kids and you can do it financially, why not? Your little girl will get easier to handle every day. You can easily get a babysitter for two kids just as easily as for one kid when you want to go out. I just have one child and that's worked out for me, but that's not for everyone. I read some of the other answers and my mom (mother of 3) advised me not to have a child to be a friend to your other child. And I think that's a good point. My sister and I happen to be close in age and are good friends, but I know lots of people with siblings that they never see or talk to.

I haven't read the other replies, but here is my response:

I would have a second child. That said, you need to understand that for ME, having children was something I always dreamed about. We have six now and I am pregnant with my seventh.

When I was pregnant with my second, we moved, due to my husband's job. We knew no one where we moved to. No family, no friends, nothing. I didn't care, personally, because mothering is what I loved doing. We didn't often get "breaks", maybe twice a year?, in those early days, but we were happy.

We still live hours away from any family, and we have since moved to a far more rural place.

Our choice was to have as many children as the Lord would bless us with. Is it crazy? Absolutely. Is it hectic? Oh, yes. Are we one of those families that drives around in a 9-passenger van? Uh-huh. Are we happy? Without a doubt!

If it were me, I would have another. I've always felt bad for only children, growing up without the joy of a sibling. Just me!

I always say that if I'm worried I'll regret something, it's likelier than not that I will! And I've never met a mother (though I know there are some) that have regretted having another child!

The only other questions I can think to be asking yourselves is:
Do I feel I am able to give love and support to a second child?

W have 2 boys. They are 2 1/2 years apart and having a second child was the best thing we ever did! Sure it's trying at times, but for the most part they are buddies! It makes me feel so good to see them cuddle, wrestle, fight, try to share... They learn so much from each other! My oldest favors me and the baby favors my husband, so it's kind of funny how we each have our little buddy! Funny because my oldest looks just like my husband and my youngest looks just like me.
Ultimately, it is something that you and your husband have to decide if it is right for you. It was no doubt right for us!

I think the first thing you should do is start building friendships. Check out story time at the library or get involved in activities with other Moms and kids your daughter's age. The Y or Park and Rec Department should have activities for you to join. After you have made a few friends you will have a support system. If you want a second baby go for it.