I have kind of a strange issue and I'm wondering if it's just me and my family or if there are others out there with families just like mine!
When I was a kid growing up, my grand parents were very involved and active in our lives and we stayed with them and did lots of things with them. We used to even stay the entire summer with my grand parents, every summer. I always thought when I had kids that it'd be the same way with my own Mom. Now, I have 2 kids and my Mom hardly ever sees us or the kids. I have to practically beg her to come over or meet us at a restaurant for a meal, etc. She never calls or if she does, it's only for something that she needs help with. She never calls just to see how we are or see how the kids are or see if she can come over to see them, etc. We do most communication through email but not too much like I would wish. My oldest is 3 1/2 and she has NEVER taken him for the night. I could count on one hand the number of times she has baby sat and that was with me practically begging her and arranging it weeks in advance, etc.
A little bit about my family is my Mom and step Dad live about 30 min from my house and neither of them work! My Dad passed away a few years ago, but they were not together. They had divorced many years prior.
My Mom has no other grand children but my kids.
I hate to say this but my Mom is kind of a selfish person and never really thinks of others too much. She's often talking about her self and seems overwhelmed in her own life. She loves carrying around pictures of the grand kids to show everyone but that's about as far as it goes. She has never taken my kids any where! Not to the park, the zoo, shopping, no where! She did take them on a walk one day recently at my house. I see my Mom maybe at the most 6-8 times per year, including holidays!! When my son was born, we were in the hospital for 2 nights, and my Mom never even came to see us!! Mind you, this was her very first grand child! She saw him for the first time when he was 4 or 5 days old!!
I told her for Christmas what my son would really like is to spend more time with her and for her to take him to the childrens museum, to the zoo, bowling, or some other activity, etc. That was the end of that.
It's really hard for me because I always imagined she would be so involved with my children. Even though my children are very young, I can't wait for the day when I am a grandma! It sounds like so much fun to me. I just don't know what I can do to coax her (hehehe LOL!) to want to be more involved or how I can just accept that she's not going to and just doesn't want to be.
All my friends parents are so involved in their grand kids lives and baby sit all the time and are so thrilled to spend time with the kids. It's just so sad to see that my Mom just doesn't have this same wish/desire.
Now it's almost Mother's Day again and I'm feeling upset that I'm going to have to plan our get together and go out to celebrate her suposidly being a great mom and grandma...when in fact, I really believe she barely qualifies to even be called grandma...
I was wondering if any others have gone through this with their own families and how you deal with it.
I have the same problem with my husbands parents. They just are not interested. They see them about once a year because they live far away. They have made it clear that this is the way they want it. It is unfortunate, but not much to be done about it. Some people are just selfish. I wish I had better news for you.
I know how you feel. I too have parents that aren't very involved in my 9 month old son's life and it can be pretty painful. Neither of my parents work and they live about 40 minutes away, but they only see us when we initiate a get together, which isn't very often, and my mom rarely babysits. A few months ago I had decided not to call or invite them over to see if that would jump start some involvement from them...but it didn't work. We ended up hardly talking on the phone and not seeing them for at least a month at a time. So I went back to just taking what little I could get from them.
I know that in my case my mom would love to be a devoted grandmother, I just don't think that she is independant enough to decide or follow through with much of anything in her life. I know that I still have issues with the fact that my mom doesn't 'mother' me the way I see other mom's are with their adult children. And my feelings are probably still hurt that my mom has never quite been the mom I wish she was. I even find myself trying not to be jealous when I see my friends, or anyone for that matter, showered with love, advise and affection from their mothers as they become mothers themselves.
I think that not having grandparents on my husbands side makes things hurt a little bit more too. My husbands parents have never met my son and are likely never to meet him, or the daughter we are expecting due to geography and some rather unfortunate circumstances.
It can be difficult to deal with and I'm sure it doesn't get easier as the kids get older. Every so often I will get upset and cry over our extended family, and my husband will comfort me and tell me that we will make it...even if we have to do it all on our own. And that if we do it right, someday we will have grown children with families who love to spend time with us. Our goal is to be everything for our kids that we missed out on throughout their childhood and into their adult lives. That gives me a little bit of comfort, knowing that I can be different. It's not a lot, but I hope that helps.
Let me know if you would like to talk about this some more. It sounds like you are a great mom raising your kids in a strong, stable and loving family...and that's what matters most. :)
I had to come back and read this a few times. It is really sad. It sort of sounds like your mom is in denial of being "grandma" even though she may show off pictures of her grandkids. It sounds like even with trying to somewhat bargin with her over christmas she doesnt want to admit she is grandma. So for mothers day i would send her just a mothers day card from you. not the kids just you. I know others may think it is childish but what she is doing is childish. Talking with her has not worked it seems so you need to step back and let her choose when she wants to be grandma. This wont be fair to the kids but she will have to deal with it when that time comes around. My advice maynot be great but the situation is stinky!! How was your guys relationship before there were kiddos? Does she like your hub/or bf? Do they have grandparents that are more involved? If so that is good for the time being. I have found with our family culture we have three totally differents sets of GP's (three because my hubs are split). My parents are the ones we see most often and are the wrestle on the ground type and bake cookies and stay the night when grandma isnt working. My hubs mom and stepdad are the come to me if you need money type we dont see them as often as my parents and they are a block away from each other. His mom likes to make up for it by buying them clothes and toys and what not. Then there is my hubs dad...He is my oldre sons hero, he thinks that the sunshines when grandpa comes over which is god because he too lives about a half hour away and we only see him maybe once evry few months or so. My point is if the kids have one set of grand parents right now in there lives that are around maybe that will help and make it not hurt so much that your mom isnt as involved. If it is erally bothering you and you feel ike something has to be said you have every right as a daughter to sit her down and see what her deal is!! Good Luck and I hope whatever you choose to do things work out!!
I do not know your mother, or stepfather, so I cannot tell you why. What I can tell you as a grandmother, there is nothing more precious that those babies, they are a gift, they need to be loved and cherished and adored by all. However not all grandmothers feel that they have to take an active part in the lives of their grandchildren. I have heard some say, I raised mine, I am too busy doing what I want to do now, I have my own life. Unfortunately when someone thinks this way, we cannot force them to become involved. Even though my grandsons are 16 and 14 I still try to see them, when they have time for me. When they were younger it was the most fun I had had in years. I got to be Grandma, I got to give them ice cream for dinner if that is what we wanted, I got to let them jump in the mud puddle with me just to know what it felt like. I got to walk on the beach at our leisure and I still have every single rock the two of them found, just for me. I have been blessed not with just my daughter, but with a son in law and two beautiful boys. I am fortunate that I have always had them close, and if they weren't I managed to go to them.
You cannot force her to be a part of their lives, or yours. Find someone that wants to spend time with them, to love them, to be a part of all that you want in a grandparent.
I would hope that one day she will see what she is missing, what she has lost, in a moment of selfishness, and correct the mistake. Take the kids to senior centers, or take a senior on an outing with you and the kids, adopt a grandma that may not have her grandkids close.
Remember that we can never make an adult do what they do not choose to do, but remind her that it is her choice, not yours.
Heal and move forward, be that best mom you can be, (even though it is harder than you thought.) :)
Dear N.,
Your first clue should have been that you were sent to the grandparents for the summer and lots of other times. Your mother is just not that attached or involved with children. don't expect her to change. My mother announced right away that she would not be a "babysitting Grandmother". It surprised me but actually I was glad she made it clear from the beginning so there were none of the traumas you are going through.
I , on the other hand was a very involved grandma so I think it skips a generation.
Don't let your children think something is missing. They will figure it out and all of you should accept her as she is. Maybe you could find a nice set of pretend grandparents in the neighborhood. Let people be what they are. You can't force change. M.-B
I understand your sadness over her lack of interest but you also acknowledge that she is a selfish person. My own in-laws fit that bill when my kids were babies but not to the extent that your mom does (they do see the kids way more now than when they were little). If I dwell on the fact of the way they are, it just pisses my off which I find to be a waste of my energy because I cannot change the way someone else behaves. You have told your mom the way you feel and how your kids feel. You can do no more because you cannot MAKE her get involved in their lives.
My sister-in-law and her husband have let themselves get bitter toward my in-laws over this issue. It has completely set a bad vibe at every family function that everyone can feel, even the kids. Just because you had a fantasy of how you thought your mother would behave, it does not sound like you ever shared this vision with her. Maybe if you had, she would have told you that she didn't share it and was not interested in being so involved. Which goes back to that selfish part of her. And now, you would not be dissappointed.
My advice is this. Accept your mother for who she is (you cannot change her) and do not have any expectations of what you think she should be doing (sounds like she will continually dissappoint you if you do). Do not get bitter over the issue because as your kids get older, they will pick up on your vibe and not be able to enjoy the little time they do spend with her. Remember, the expectations are yours not your kids. Finally, she is the one missing out on your kids affections. They are only so sweet and little once and if she does not want to form a strong bond with them, then that is her loss.
