Rude Parenting Behavior from Step Mother

These sorts of comments are rediculous. My SIL once said to everyone in the room (just after I had my son) - with my sister sitting by me "I'm the favorite aunt," It was her way of being funny but just made her look like a brat - I mean, what adult woman really says things like that anyway?

So, my SIL may have named herself "favorite aunt" but my sister lives the role out!!

You know the sad part is we get divorced thinking we will raise our children to be different, and to see us as positive kind people. The hard part is we cannot know or do anything about the other places they go to.
I divorced when my children were young. The baby (who is now 21) was not raised with his father, even like the older one who had a few extra years with him. Their father, my exhusband has a host of things which I cannot do anything about, try as I might I went to hospitals, and therapy and couldn't handle it. It was however a point in me getting divorced thinking that I would have happy peaceful children who would appreciate family and grow up respectful of myself and others.
Well, so fast forward: my youngest son, who was not raised with biological dad (but did see him over the years), is almost exactly like him in so many ways. so much for my earnest attempts to raise a different kind of person. He is suffering from manic depression and at least is making strides after hospitalization and meds to be different, something his father could have continued to do. Even now, his father chose to move far away right in the midst of my son being in a college play. And he (dad) has asked him to help him move. And won't see the play! Still selfish after twenty something years. so you see, if you do what you can to prod little people into the world with good values and choices, know that you did your very best: but you cannot know what negatives are out there opposing your hard work. Just keep up with what you know is to be correct and that is all you can do.

I'm not quite following how this went down. :(

& to address your very last sentence: you & your ex are divorced. In cases of divorce, quite often, a difference in parenting skills/mores/values is at the root of the issues between the divorcing couple.

Let it go...your kids will know the difference.

You probably don't know the entire context of how it all came about. And are you sure your niece is old enough to truthfully tell you exactly what happened?

If I were you, I'd simply ignore this. Many people say things that they ought not to, many times. They don't all mean harm, and mostly, they're not worth your mental peace.

You just continue being a great mom to your daughter, and you won't have to bother about step mom saying anything bad about you! Your daughter would know what you are to her, always.

it isnt worth the fight. you already said your ex won't be receptive to it, so why start a fight about it?

I'd J. talk to your kid about how thats not a polite thing to say and sometimes adults can not be polite either and this is an example of it

I would just use it as a learning moment. It clearly illustrates what people say when they are insecure. It shows that although it seems like an attack it is a defense.

Ya know?

That way when that type of comment is directed at her she won't be hurt by it.

I think you may be reading way too much into this. It really doesn't seem like such a big deal to me and I'm a step mother and a mother and a foster mom too.

It sounds like you may be taking things out of context or at the very least may need to deal with your own emotions regarding your children having to interact with a woman that you either don't like or respect. Be the best mom you can be to your children and don't worry about the rest.

"Going back and forth to different environments with different rules and expectations makes it very difficult to install good behaviors and values in my kids lives."

This is exactly what we parent our kids to expect.

This is real life.

No two places have the same rules and expectations. So unless you can lock your kids up in the house for the rest of your life (NOT!), you have to parent with this in mind.

In the same way, your kids are ALWAYS going to be running in to people whose opinions and methods are contrary to your own. Parent with respect to that. Ensure that your words and actions are congruent. That your kids always see you has honest and loving. They will SEE your words and actions are congruent and make their own opinions.

She can't turn your kids against you. Trust me on that. Only you can do that with your own actions. When my parents divorced, I was 12. My dad called my mom a rude name in front of me. Mom wasn't there..and even though I thought they were both at fault in ways, I still loved them both. I got right into his face and said "DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT MY MOM LIKE THAT!"

Don't worry about it so much. It doesn't matter what the stepmom says. Kids believe what they SEE.

First, you will *always* be their mother. She might be a step-mom with a mouth on her, or perhaps she has a very strange sense of humor,but unless you are hearing lies about yourself coming back from the kids, give it all time. Kids DO eventually figure out which parent really supported them, had their back in times of need, and loved them unconditionally. AND they later tend to resent the negative comments about their other parent. If you are concerned about outright parental alienation, that's one thing. Otherwise, I'd continue to let the kids go over there and know that they will likely be okay. Just because your ex-husband has no respect for you doesn't mean the kids feel that way. Their father and step-mom's actions may actually make them upset or embarrassed, but kids don't always have a way to talk about it that doesn't feel disloyal to either one parent or another. Continue to have your good values and be the good person you want to be for your kids. It does all come to light as they get older-- and your kids will so appreciate that you were a mature adult through all this. (I know, it's a long time to wait until they are mature adults themselves, but I too was a kid who 'saw the light' about my folks when I was older. It happens all the time! :) )

Its third party information coming from a child to you. I am not saying she is lying but maybe seeking attention or otherwise.
And I don't believe one mis-statement if in fact it was made is evidence that it is not a positive enviroment.

Your kids know and love you as THEIR mother. The step will never take your place in their hearts and minds. Kids are smart, they can often spot devious behavior on the part of a step-parent. I am a step to the two sons of my husband. I respect their mother's special place in their lives because I want the best for the boys (they are actually grown men). Fortunately, I am on friendly terms with my spouse's ex-wife. I can see where it may be much more difficult if our children were younger. I have 2 grown kids of my own. Be secure in the great mother you are!

I don't know your history, but this alone could be seen as an awkward attempt at making conversation, putting the stepparent part out there so there's no ignored elephant, but doing so in a way that can be light-hearted. As a stepmother, I sometimes find it awkward to meet people who know and maybe are friends with the ex. Instead of saying "the wrong thing", I tend to just sit down and shut up, which can also be seen as "wrong".

One thing that I have learned in this family environment is that grace and graciousness are my friends. It's not always easy in the moment, but once the moment passes...I've never complained that I acted with too much grace.

It probably wasn't he best thing to say, but it wasn't "negative". I think your hurt feelings stem from much more than this one comment which was made to your niece, not to your children.

The only thing you can control is how you act with your child and what values you instill in her. You can talk with your ex and express your concerns--but you can't change him or his wife. Pick your battles and let this go. Spend more of your energy in telling your child how much you love them and spending time with them. That kind of relationship will pay off---if the stepmom is doing anything fishy or fake, your child will eventually see right through it and block her. She knows who her mom is---so you have nothing to compete with.