Dealing with Step Mom

Hi T.,

I'm not a stepmom nor do I have to deal with a stepmom from my ex, but I am divorced and something in your letter stuck out at me. You said you consult your ex on everything, including things like haircuts and clothes. You're very thoughtful to make him such a huge part of the pieces of his daughter's life he's not in on - the day to day things - but by doing so you've also set up a perceived dependence on him. I could see where the stepmom, having no real idea of the history of your ex's life with his daughter before she was in the picture, could pick up on this dependence as meaning you can't make a decision. The thing is, I know you can, and you know you can, but if you talk to him about how late is too late to take phone calls, or what she should be wearing, that could appear to someone on the outside - which the stepmom is - that you have difficulty taking control, so she's taking it - or rather, encouraging him to.

I do think divorced parents should consult with each other on the big things, like problems with grades, medical issues, or costs they will have to split, but when it comes to the day to day things, the custodial parent needs to make those decisions alone. Could you be involving your ex so much because you want him to know the rules so your daughter will have a seamless transition from one house to the other? Standing in those shoes, with an ex whose household rules are very different from mine, sometimes, you have to bite the bullet (and your tongue) and let it go. If you're divorced there were obvious things that couldn't be agreed on, so we shouldn't expect the person who wouldn't work with us to save a marriage, to have the same rules in their house as we have in ours.

Personally, I'd stop consulting your ex on so much of your daughter's life. Leave it to the big decisions or the ones that affect him too, and take care of the rest, as you have been, on your own. Maybe that will send a clear message to the stepmom that you're very capable and she won't feel as if she has the right to insert herself as strongly into your daughter's life.

2 moms found this helpful

I am completely with you on not scheduling events on your weekend without prior agreement. Beyond that, I guess I'm lost in the details. When you daughter is with her father and step-mother, the step-mother is an authority figure. She is entitled to set house rules and plan activities, and unless that's harmful to your daughter in some way, I'm really not sure what the objection is. It appears that at stepmom's encouragement, Dad is now more of a figure in your daughter's life. I would think that would be a good thing for your daughter, but I'm sure the adjustment for you is difficult.

1 mom found this helpful

You mentioned that the father wasnt really involved before step mom was in the picture. My ex did that when he met a new girl. took my son places and wanted him only nights that she was involved...that worked until i caught on to him. well they ended up getting married and having a child within a year of them meeting. now they are divorced. His father stopped coming around and calling to see him right after they were married, then it seemed like he didn't exist to him. This isn't really part of your question, but beware if he is being nice to impress another person. i hope things work out for the better!
D.

T.,
I am on both sides of this fence. I am a stepmom AND i deal with the step mother of my girls as well. We also all get along fairly well, but we are not without our issues.
You didnt mention if the party included all your relitives as well, or is it just for dad and step moms sides of the family...if thats the case, leave it there. tell them you would appreicate in the future if they ask to switch weekends, because you may have had plans for your daughter (that weekend), and would like to avoid any conflicts like that.
We have always done separate birthday things with all our girls, until last year when stepdaughters mom decided to include us in her b-day party. Had she not, we would have just done our own, as we had in the past.
I understand the rule thing on both sides as well. I do not consult my ex on most things....mostly because he doesnt really care, however if something is happening on HIS time with the kids, i let him know ASAP and clear it with him first.. its never been a problem.
I do 90% of the discipline in our home, and that includes my stepdaughter. She has been with me since she was 15 months old, so it may be a little different for us. (she is 5 now) Her mom and i do not agree on HOUSE RULES, we parent very different, i am one against 4 here, where she only had one child to deal with, so our family dynamics are way different, but ive talked to her and told her if she has a problem with something we are doing to let me know, so we can decided on whats right and best for SD.
I would also suggest that you speak to both of them, not just the ex. She is going to be a part of your daughters life. I do understand the IM THE MOM, not her stuff...believe me, i get that. BUT to leave her out will result in resentments, and in the end, it will be your daughter who ends up feeling that the most. Also by including her, you also show that you value her in your childs life, appreciate what she does, just have some things to work out.
the reality of it is a child can never have too many people who love and care about them.
Good luck

I am a stepmom myself. I do think they should not plan something like that on your weekend. That is wrong. Dad and you should be the main planners, decision makers, and disciplinarians. Stepmom does sound like she is overstepping her boundaries. Also, from my perspective it does sound like you consult too much on the little things, and although it is a nice gesture, it may be too much and you don't really need to do that. I would speak to the dad first, and since you are lucky enough to get along well with the stepmom, you can talk to her as well. I do not think there is anything wrong with them planning and doing things with the daughter without you as long as it is on their time and is positive and appropriate. Your time with your daughter needs to be respected by them, and your role as the mom needs to be respected by the stepmom. Hopefully the stepmom will be reasonable about this, as the main person any arguing will hurt is your daughter, and I hope she considers her first.

Has the party actually happened? If it hasn't there is still time to air a couple of things out. AS far as the other things go, I do not totally agree that you should have a separate visit with father of child, that can make things nastier, in step-mom's eyes that will be a complete violation to her and she might get nasty and use father to do some additional dirty work.I know, the other posters are really nicer than I am but we are not living in a perfect world. Step mom sounds like she's in charge of more than just your daughter.But you want to keep her in your camp. Right now she just sounds manipulative. And you know he will go tell her everything, so it sometimes gets to be two against one. So if there is some way to negotiate this by getting them to do it your way try to do so. You have lots of other birthdays coming up.

How long has step-mom been in her life? I guess I am wondering if she is just really going over the top to impress your daughter or create a bond with her?

You mention that the father was absent in her life? Could the SM be trying to make up for all the stuff dad didn't do in the past?

Third, I wonder if this new role of the SM has changed your relationship with your ex and if you are not happy with it? Perhaps you feel she is 'butting in' on the working relationship you have with your ex?

I agree that he should take charge..but his past has shown you he is not capable of that, and most likely he leaves your daughter in the care of SM. Trying to align with him might get you know where.....only you know if he can step up to the plate.

Otherwise I think getting a good communicating relationship with SM is your best bet. Sounds as if she is in charge. Let her know you want to work together and find what you can agree on. You have to realize you cannot 'disarm' her at her own house if dad isn't doing his role. Come together and share notes about what works for your daughter, what you have learned, who her friends are, etc. IF you both love her, her welfare should be the common goal, and since you both will have different access to her life, you need to work together to inform each other, and so she knows how to navigate more of the difficult things such as boys, peer pressure and grades, etc and not how to get all of her parents to love her the same.

I know this will be hard, but you have to let go and perhaps rethink how you communicate/relate to your ex. Do all this for your daughter(s), not for him.

Your daughter will not forget how much YOU'VE done for her in the past, or how hard you will work for her benefit now. YOU are her mother!

Hi T., I, too, am a stepmom...I understand how you feel...it's always so hard to let go...your daughter has the best of two worlds...you really should not worry about things that go on with her when she's with her father and stepmom, because if it is a positive thing, you know she is not being harmed by it...your daughter knows who her real mom is, and that is you...your daughter is so blessed that she has her dad, you and a stepmom in her life...now, I consider myself blessed, because my husbands children are all married and I am invited to every function where all the families are together...I'm just a stepmom, but to my grandchildren, I'm Grandma...as you well know, time goes on and life as you know it now, will change...savor every moment while you have your daughter with you, and welcome the brief time away from her as a time for yourself..to catch up on taking care of yourself. Best regards, Jo

Wow-wee! Not how I thought your letter was going to go. You say you get along rather well with her. That is a good thing for your daughter's sake. And it is a good thing to have her dad so involved in her life. No, she is NOT the mom. And, no, you don't have to keep feeling like you have to be buddy-buddy with her. But, yes, you have to get along otherwise your daughter will become the pawn between two households.

Now, as far as the other stuff, so long as the "father" encourages his wife to be that involved in his child's life, it is going to continue to be you vs. them, especially if they have joint custody. However, on certain issues, you can work to be on the same page.

Can you sit down with ONLY DAD and try and put together a list of do's and don'ts for both of you, to include topics such as: my week-ends/your week-ends-any change to that schedule needs to be agreed, event planning for daughter, appropriate attire and make-up wear, health issues, including eye-wear, etc.. Some of the other issues that you mentioned really and sadly do fall under their category, when under their jurastiction (i.e. rules and discipline in their home including bedtime) Be careful how you approach this with your Ex. or it could come off that you are "just being jealous". Stick to the facts. You won't be able to change the situation of her authority and she will resent that you want to because, in her eyes, it is THEIR HOME that she welcomes HIS & YOUR DAUGHTER. Also, step-mom won't care if dad rarely took part in his daughter's life before - she just sees the present and that is that daddy is stepping up to the plate and doing his part. And you don't want to pit your daughter up against them either. I'm sure she is smart and wise to the situation - in her life, I'm sure you are still the #1 parent!

And, really, you don't need to keep him informed about all the little details of your daughter's life. It's nice that you do that but not really necessary. (i.e. cutting her bangs)

Your daughter needs you - this is a hard, confusing age (I have a daughter the same age!) There is a lot of room for all of you but to make it work, there have to be better boundaries set. Hopefully things will get better very soon.

Dear T.-
I don't mean to be harsh here, but the reality is that divorce stinks for a million reasons, and this is one of them. Now that your daughter has two families, she has been put in a position to obey several authority figures. You are mistaken if you believe that the stepmom has no "rights" or authority over your child. While your daughter is in her home, she has the right to do as she sees best. As long as the stepmom in question is not asking/influencing your daughter to do something that you feel is immoral, you really don't have the right or authority to impose your way or your will. As for the party plans, I heartily agree that it was insensitive at best, (and down right mean at worst!) but now that it's done, try to find a way to go along and try to overlook it, for the sake of your daughter. I truly apologise if I've offended you- that is not my intent- but it sounds like you need more people in your life to tell you the truth, not merely what is comforting in the moment.

i'm a stepmom i've been in my step daughters life since she was 8 now is 29. she was always a good kid with great study habits and never in trouble all around good. being a stepmom is hard you have the love to give but you know you have boundries that will upset others if they are crossed, it is really a tough position but you make the best of it . you know you'll never be mom all the way but in taking the position of married b4 with child you know that now this becomes a part in your life.... a big part . my step daughter had parties with my family and my husbands and her mother was never included. her mother had parties with her new spouse and her family us not included. i never gave it a second thought. you need to discuss your feelings with
them both . i'm sure she's in for the long haul but no one know what someone feels unless they are told it'll work out if she's a good person let her in a little. good luck

It is so frustrating to deal try to work with multiple sets of parents. Each parent has their own ideas about what is happening and what they would like to see happening. Even when all the parents have the child's best interest at heart, it can cause conflict and stress for the child. There are seperate issues here. As far as the party goes, you should talk to your ex about the fact that is was scheduled on your weekend and your feelings, but in NO WAY AT ALL should your daughter be involved in these discussions. My step-daughter's mother gets so involved in her own feelings that she forgets that her child is not equipped to deal w/adult conversations and reasoning as to what is "fair" or what is best.

The issue of the stepmom disciplining your daughter is a completely different situation. As her parent, the stepmom needs to be allowed to care for and discipline the child. The other parents cannot belittle the relationship or treat the stepmom as a second class parent. Step-parents are equally as important in the child's life and development and when you infer that the step-parent has no authority and you don't give respect to the step-parent you are undermining the values that you have tried to teach your children about respect their whole lives.

To be honest, I agree with you about the party. I have been a step mom for 11 years. Now my step daughter is grown, but I NEVER tried to be "the mom" (she has one she loves)even if I do not agree with choices the mom has made. I am always open and loving and have a great relationship with my step d. We talk alot when we see each other... which is not too often now (college, work, friends, and she lives in WI) but we do enjoy her visits!
Your husbands wife obviously wears the pants in his family.
It is your HUSBANDS responsibility to do MAJOR disipline. If your daughter does something that requires Instant intervention, well, the step mom does need to come up to the plate. In my instances, I would let her know what she did was wrong and let my husband (her Dad) do the major disiplining. Nothing "major" has happened when she was with JUST me. If she lied or did somthing wrong, I did scold her and if needed give a time out, or the phone or computer taken away, etc. that was agreed on by my husband and I ahead of time. Her mom would let us know of issues she had if they were major and we needed to keep our eyes open.
One time I did call her Mom when I could not get my hubby at work and I needed to know NOW if her phone calls to somebody were the ones not allowed. And her Mom was more than happy to help.
However, be careful with addressing issues. It can cause world war 3, (has happened here) and will put more stress on your daughter than anybody. Its sounds to me like the step mom is being manipulitive by planning parties without you on YOUR weekend. I am not saying it was done delibrately, but that can be the case. (I am sure she owns a Calandar). She should ask to switch weekends or consult you when somthing is on YOUR time.
She knows you comply with what she does because you are a good Mom, and do not want to make things difficult for anybody. but she has crossed a line with that party thing on your weekend.
She has the right to plan a party without you if she chooses (how "united" is that? She should do whatever is best for your daughter, and I am sure your daughter would have liked you to have been more of a part of it)but if she wants to do so, it should be on THEIR weekend not yours.
We have had separate parties for My step D with my Hubbies fam, as they were not invited to her moms parties.(WE now are invited, just in the last year, but she is 18 and that was my step D's choice) Actually it was always on our time with her, and we did not ask, we just told her Mom what we were doing. It really was not an issue and I am sure my step D liked having 2 parties:)
Maybe you talk to your husband about bondries with your weekends. Hopefully he will listen and take what you say to heart. It is hard. If he does not wish to comply, then you need to maybe talk to the step mom. I hope and pray that all goes well for you.
I truly feel for you and hang in there! You are being a wonderful Mom by putting your daughter first. I hope this helped some... It is wonderful that she is so loved by all of you:-)