Restaurant Manners

S.,

I think it is appropropriate to expect a three year old to sit at the table for a meal, unless of course you're talking about a five course meal or something! We have a three year old and a one year old, and we do expect the older one to show good table manners- staying seated on her bottom at the table, chewing with her mouth closed, using an inside voice, etc.

Here a few tricks that might be helpful:
Make a chart that shows on one side what is allowed at the restaurant and what is NOT allowed on the other side. Use simple sketches and maybe a few words. This is something you could do together, taking his suggestions as well as your own. Have him help you color it or put stickers on it. By doing it together, it helps him buy into the rules.

Play restaurant at home, using some stuffed animals. When the stuffed animals follow the rules, they get dessert! When they don't follow the rules, they have to go out to the car with Mommy and Daddy while the other stuffed animals finish their meal and get...dessert. How sad for the misbehaving stuffed animal! I bet your son will love this game!

During meal times at home, compliment your son when he shows good manners: "Wow, you're staying at the table without any reminders! I would love to take a big boy like you out to dinner!" And with the naughty behavior, "Hmm, that's sad. Only boys who sit on their botttoms get to go to restaurants with Mommy and Daddy." You get the idea- don't lecture, just give simple reminders.

And, I agree with the other two respondants; bring along a few things to do and slowly dole them out.

Finally, be prepared, both you and your husband, to take your son out to the car the very FIRST time he misbehaves in the restaurant. Do it without a lecture or anger, just say, "How sad. Boys who play under the table have to go to the car." Then you'll have to decide if he'll miss the whole meal, or if he gets another chance to show his big boy manners. I wouldn't give more than a few chances. I also wouldn't let him have dessert if he has to go out to the car more than twice. One of the keys to this kind of parenting is to not even break a sweat. In fact, I think I would take my plate with me and very happily eat my dinner just outside the car, with my little one safely strapped in his seat. He needs to see that he is missing out on something terrific when he misbehaves. Which also means he needs to have a good time when he is in the restaurant...make sure you include him in conversation and such.

It might not be the most enjoyable experience for you and your husband, but I betcha the next time your family goes out to dinner, it will go beautifully!

Good luck!!

J.

What Helped for me was some Disney Books with the Tapes that read the story,(you know the kind that chime when its time to turn the page) and a little Tape Casette Sony Walkman with Ear Phones, my son would be mezmorized while listening to Lion King, Little Mermaid ETC. They used to be sold at Target but I dont know if they do any more, try searching online or maybe they have Books with CD. Or Barnes & Noble might have them.

S.,
I had the same problem briefly with my son. Here's what worked for me:
When we would go out to eat I would make sure it was something he looked forward to by reminding him about it a few times during the day and getting him excited on the way there. Once we arrived, if he acted up, got out of his chair or raised his voice I would pack him out while my hubby boxed up the food and payed the tab.
The reason why I stated that you should get him excited about it is because if it's something he'll regard as fun he will think twice before acting up next time. When it's something they don't care much about they can take it or leave it.
My best overall advice is "be firm". Whether you choose the "family friendly" environment or a nice restaurant, it's just not fair to other patrons to let your son to get out of hand.
Good luck to you!

While this is not a cure-all I wanted to share a great experience I had with my 3-year-old eating out. My husband was out of town for work and some of his family which I barely knew were visiting and wanted to go out for dinner. I was pretty much dreading it because my son was tired and I was not sure how he would do.

We went to a Japanese restaurant and they gave my son chopsticks with a rubber band around the top so they were like tongs. I ordered a side of edamame (soy beans) and he spent pretty much the whole meal picking up the beans and eating them with his chopsticks. Then he ate his rice and veggies with the chopsticks as well. He was pretty good at it, the out of town relatives were amazed and he was entertained for most of the meal. Even if you aren't going somewhere with chopsticks, you might try to find some to take. I keep a plastic set in the car now.

This is what I do, it works for some but not all. I bring a few quiet toys with us when we go to a resturant and make sure to bring crayons and a coloring book for each, sometimes the resturant will already have some but I bring it just to be safe. We make sure that they get to pick what they want to eat from their menu and we ask our server to bring their food when our appatizers or side salad/soup is brought. We also ask that drinks not be brought until the meal as well. We also let them know before we go into the resturant that if they misbehave we will get up and leave (if we have ordered then we have it boxed up for us and my husband usually waits to get it and pay for it) and the kids don't get to eat restruant food, it's saved until the next day, instead they get a sandwich and some vegi's (or leftovers in the fridge) and then go to bed. It doesn't happen very often anymore but it used to alot. I hope this helps.

I can really relate, I had to live with my in-laws for a few years and my sontays with his aunt for a few hours a day. I don't like the way she handles her children and mine has picked up habbits I don't like. Other families even your own are just different good or bad. My Husband and I are very aware of his behvior and we care a great deal to teach him good behavior. We don't get to go out a lot without our son either have the same problem. It has helped us to make good manners exciting we point out his good manners and eachothers and anyone else we encounter, I suggest making it a positive focus. Talk to your family and let them know that manners are important,and maybe they can help you point out and talk about good manners even if they don't curb their own, the kids will focus on what you focus them on.
On a side note I am also a working mom, My son is 3, let me know if you'd like to have a play date, if all goes well we could give you and your other some relief while our kids play and vise/versa

good luck, R.

Unfortunately, it's unrealistic to expect a 3 year old to sit still through an entire meal. They just aren't programmed that way yet.

I always keep a bag of special toys in the car. Toys that she only plays with when we eat out, so they are new to her. I also keep lots of activities in the bag too (crayons, coloring books, etc.) It keeps her occupied for much of the meal time.

I would like to approach this situation from a different angle. I think it's important for you and your husband to get out together without your son. I think that you should be assertive and talk with your family about babysitting.

Do they refuse to watch your sons during the evening? After all at 15 months and 3 they should be in bed early. In fact you could leave the house once they're in bed.

If you haven't discussed this with your family you may be surprised to find that they are willing. For a few years I babysat my grandchildren during the day and then about once a week in the evening also.

Another option is to hire a babysitter to come in. Does your family object to that or have you not discussed it with them? The sitter could stay until the boys are asleep and then quietly slip out. She could entertain them in your room and put them to bed from there if the family would prefer to not interact with her.

A third option is to take your sons to another home to be watched. I have found a couple of people in Portland who will take drop ins in the evening. I haven't tried them and so I don't know if that works but it's worth a try. I found them on the Internet by googling babysitters and thru Craig's list. Both of these people stated that they were state certified. Be sure to check on that. State certification isn't a guarentee of safety but it helps. I'd also spend time with them to get to know them and to feel your intuition about whether or not it was a good setting.

If your family objects find out why and try to work out a way that will work for all of you.
I know that watching babies and toddlers is stressful and quite tiring especially for us older folks. Perhaps you could take them to a babysitter one day a week or one day a month and then your parents could watch them in the evening. I suggest this because finding daytime child care is easier.

I have a teenage neighbor who said she'd be willing to watch my grandchildren at her home. For awhile my daughter had an 11 and 12 yo girls watch my grandchildren after school while she was home. That way she was available if there was a problem but she was free to do other things while the girls entertained the babies.

I do think it's important for you and your husband to spend time alone together. Perhaps discussing this need with your family would help.

I hope it works out for you. M.