Recognizing Birthday of Deceased Spouse?

i'd absolutely acknowledge it. i'll bet it does her heart good to know that her beloved is remembered.
i only commemorate the death date for the first year or two after i've lost someone. then i just go to doing something on the birthdays.
i have small private memorial celebrations on the birthdays of my mother, brother, and stepmother (my little mumsie) who have gone on. it's always delights me when anyone else remembers them too.
khairete
S.

I have found a book called From Eulogy to Joy that is an anthology of people's stories of grief. Too many people think grief passes by in the first months after a loss, but as you know it most certainly does not. I like to send the book at a anniversary or other time that I suspect will be hard for the left behind to handle. Its an extra special thinking of you, with empathy.

I have heard so many people say that the sentiments that meant the most to them after they lost someone, were the sentiments that came a year or more later. Do something for her. If she is a long distance away call. If you can go see her, take her out for dinner or invite her over for dinner. If your kids are old enough, have them write, draw a picture, or dictate their favorite memory of him. I know it is uncomfortable to bring up people who have died, but one of my friends told me that it was more hurtful when people seemed to ignore the fact that she was still hurting even years later. Remember him with her.

My best friend's dad died several years ago just days after his 60th birthday. When the 1 year anniversary arrived, I took my friend out to lunch on her Dad's birthday, and on the anniversary of his death, I made a donation to her dad's favorite charity and gave her a book called "Papa Do You Love Me?". We both have a love of children's books, and she was really touched by this one. Even today, my friend talks about how I supported her through the first anniversary, and how she appreciates the fact I remember, even though it was painful.

I wouldn't ignore the anniversary. That gives the impression you don't care, and your MIL will remember that you didn't remember. At the very least, I'd sent a card and call her, but if you are able, it would be appreciated if you could spend some time with her on that day, even for a little while. Maybe you could take her lunch or coffee.

Good for you wanting to do something. Many people just ignore this kind of anniversary.

I'm sure she would love it if you, your husband, and your kids took her out to dinner to celebrate the life of her husband.

I wouldn't send typical birthday celebration things like candy or flowers, but I would definitely send her a card. Perhaps you can buy a blank card and tell your MIL you're thinking of her. And maybe you can mention some special memories that you continue to cherish of your FIL.

After my dad passed away, we would commemorate his birthday by doing something that he loved, something that we always associated with him. My dad loved ice cream (not the usual flavors, but flavors like peach, and ginger, for example) so we'd go to a specialty ice cream shop and get the flavors that he would have chosen, and talk about our favorite memories and stories and his terrible puns and silly jokes. He also loved making a couple of favorite meals, so we'd have one of those for dinner.

So if you associate something special with your FIL, like if he loved fishing, or had a particular hobby or interest or memory from his own childhood, you might do something on his birthday that is associated with that hobby or interest. Maybe you could make a donation to a related charity, or take your kids fishing like their grandfather would have done, or teach your kids to make homemade ice cream like their grandpa always loved so much, and take pictures of the event. Your MIL might find comfort in knowing that things that meant a lot to her husband will not be forgotten by the next generations.

Just read your SWH - I think that's a lovely idea.

I've lost people and so has my mom, and I think just recognizing the day as one that has meaning is what is important - a card is a great way.

It just lets the person know that you remember. I always appreciate it.

Just to note - I would also do it on their anniversary. That was the hardest one for my mom.

:)

Yes, definitely acknowledge it.
I don't feel that could ever be a bad thing.

hi J.
What I do regardless of someone's bday (although during that time) I also remember the decedent is to send a card about once a month throughout the first year to check in with the person and let them know you are thinking about them.. Often, after the funeral and once everyone else gets back to their own lives, it's easy to forget that someone is still possibly mourning and that it doesn't just pass after a funeral or even a year or with every passing day.. grief, in many cases, can take lots and lots of time. Therefore, a hello, thinking of you or even chocolate or flowers or any thoughtful gesture (a drawing from the kids) can really make a person smile..
so do what is in your heart... something is better than nothing.. even a call every other day is wonderful..

I think chocolates & flowers might seem a bit too festive, but a "thinking of you" card would be lovely. Maybe share a few memories of him in the note.

Jewish tradition is to light a memorial candle on the anniversary of the person's death, but my mother (not Jewish) often buys a memorial candle in the kosher food section (usually on the bottom shelf) and lights it on my father's birthday or their wedding anniversary. It's a small 24 hour candle in glass so it can burn safely all night as long as it's not on a surface that can be damaged by heat or under a shelf that can be darkened by the rising smoke. We put them on coasters or a trivet, or even on the stove when we go up to bed, and occasionally on the bathroom sink as a sort of "memory night light" which can be comforting if you wake up at night. My mother always found that it was helpful and a way of the memory being a source of light rather than a totally dark day. A non-Jewish person who didn't want the Jewish star label on the outside of the glass could use a glass votive container and tea light or votive candle from the craft store. Something simple vs. festive would fit the occasion.

Especially since this is in the first year since his death, I think it would be very important to do something to connect with your MIL. This is the first time his birthday is arriving without him being there, and she surely will be missing him. Based on watching my colleague go through that first year after his wife's death and my mother for my father, every important day and holiday is filled with emotion. So I would say that definitely, you and your husband will want to think about what form of connection she might value. Also, it's the first birthday without him for your husband and you and your children. Might it be important for you all to do something? It doesn't have to be a big thing, just a way of remembering him which is meaningful to your husband, etc.

I think depending on how well you know your MIL..... it would be very thoughtful to at least acknowledge his birthday.

I often send my grandmother a thinking of you card around the time of my grandfather's birthday.

I would do something nice for her since it is the first year. I figure she will appreciate that you are thinking of her.

Probably a 'thinking of you' card would be best.

We take flowers to my dad's grave on his birthday.

A good friend of ours lost his mom a several years ago, and his sister about 2 years ago. His wife makes flower arrangements and they deliver them to the cemetary on their birthdays.
If you are close enough perhaps you could do something like that on his birthday. And perhaps offer to visit the site with your MIL?

If not, you could probably arrange for flowers to be delivered/displayed at the gravesite thru the funeral home/cemetary itself. And a call, card to your MIL?

My parents were divorced, however, married forever. I just call my mom and mention my dads birthday and it kicks off some conversations about him.

My mom died last November (Funeral was two days before Thanksgiving). Her birthday is the day after Christmas. Needless to say, our holidays last year SUCKED.

I think part of our issue was when her birthday came it was so soon after her death that we were all a little numb and depressed. I thought we might go to her grave, my dad was like "oh yeah, its her birthday." I think this year might be different but who knows. We did a "Star Wars" marathon and told funny stories about my Mom.

I think a "thinking of you card" would be wonderful. I wouldn't go overboard.

I would send a card and maybe flowers.

I would just make sure I reached out with a phone call. She will probably be depressed/sad on that day and a call from loved ones will be welcome.