Comforting a Friend

I think just letting your friend know that you care - is the greatest gift you can give. Not just now, but checking in - so she knows you are there for the long haul. There are so many stages to grief - knowing that you are there for her during the stages where she feels she has nothing to offer back - and that you're ok with that - will be a huge comfort to her.

Grief is very hard and exhausting - and it does change a person, sometimes people go into depression, other times they pull away from people and become solitary. If you let her know that's all ok - that you're there if she needs you - she will appreciate it.

I read a good article recently that said a call to ask "How are you doing now?" or "How are you feeling now?" is a nice way to ask how they are dealing with the loss. So often we say nothing when people are grieving, afraid to bring it up. That makes the loss seem greater - when we don't acknowledge it.

Just be there for her, listen to her when she needs to talk and cry.

Our daughters best friend suddenly died when she was 4 years old. It was so hard for that mom because she continued to see our children grow. We surrounded her with love and let her know she had a place to fall.

In 2015, my husband died suddenly. It still feels like it was yesterday for my daughter and myself. Everyone moves on with their lives as expected but we still grieve daily. I keep expecting him to walk through the door. I'm doing better by making myself get out... substitute teach, go to grief counsel and a tough one is to eat alone. I stopped cooking and that was something I loved doing.

Someone said to me at his funeral "there are no words" and that was spot on. There are no words of comfort. Just be there and support your friend. The grief does not go away after everyone returns to their daily life. We learn to live with a new normal and broken heart daily.

Great suggestions below. Since they are close friends, the coming weeks and months are often the hardest. Make sure that you take good care of them after the funeral. That's when they'll need you the most and others have moved on. So sorry.

Just be there. I have found that friends that have lost loved ones want you to talk about them. Not pretend they never existed which is what most do not because they don't care, they are afraid of hurting the one left behind.

Plan on being there in the long run, when the funeral is over, everyone has gone home, the flowers have faded, and the casseroles are gone. My best friend died in a car accident the weekend that we graduated from college. The 20-year anniversary of her death was last week. I had her mom over for dinner yesterday. Talk about their daughter. Share stories that you remember about her, and let them talk about her. Check in as significant dates approach - her birthday, holidays, the anniversary of her death - and see if they want to do anything that day. Some years my friend's mom has wanted to get out of the house for lunch on one of those D. and sometimes, she just wants to stay quiet at home. Send cards just because. If something reminds you of their daughter, send a text and share it...my friend loved sunflowers, so if I'm out an about and see a cool sunflower image, I'll send it to her mom. If you have children the same age, include them just as you always would have - invite them to graduation parties, showers, etc. My friend's mom, who has become a good friend, has always said how much it means that we haven't forgotten her daughter and her (and her other children). She loves to share memories of her daughter with others who knew and loved her. It's painful to remember, but more painful to think that everyone has moved on and forgotten.

In the immediate aftermath of my friend's death, her mom (who was divorced and had no spousal help) was lost in her grief. She didn't sleep, didn't eat, and basically gardened day after day until she was exhausted enough to sleep for a few hours. It was really horrible to watch and know that there was nothing anyone could do for her except to be there. It took well over a year for her to become a functional person again, to resume her own education (she was in law school when her daughter died) and live her new normal. They'll have many years of grieving ahead of them, so plan on being that good friend who remembers when others have moved on.

My friend just lost her daughter last month. I was there when we found out it was her daughter. It was horrible. Anyway, I walked her thru funeral and all of that. Saturday her daughter would have been 26. She had a big birthday party for her. Anyway the one thing she has told me is that I keep texting, calling and showing up and how much she appreciates that. She has stated that people have kind of dropped off the planet since the funeral is over. So my suggestion is to treat your friend normal and just be there. Prayers to your friend and many blessings to you.

Bring food.
She's not going to feel like cooking or eating - but having something on hand will make it easier to eat something now and then without thinking about it.
I'm so sorry for your friends loss.

Great words of wisdom below.

I'll just add, sometimes people try to relieve the grieving people of every normal duty. They'll do the housecleaning, do the shopping (after the immediate funeral, I'm talking about). I think it's more helpful to come alongside, instead of doing the every day chores for the grieving family. Instead of cleaning your friend's house, offer to come over and help out, WITH her. Do the dishes with her. Fold towels with her. Offer to drive her to the grocery store and encourage her to come in to the store, with you.

And don't hesitate to remember your friend's daughter on special D. in the coming years. Send a thoughtful card on every birthday. If something was coming up (a graduation, for example, or if she was going to start another year of college), acknowledge that at the appropriate time. They'll be very aware of it; you won't be reminding them of anything they won't be already thinking of. They'll appreciate knowing someone else is remembering her. Don't make it too maudlin. Make it a sweet memory. "I remember how excited ______ was about college. She loved decorating her room with those team colors! Just thinking about you and her today" kind of thing).