Raising Granddaughter

J.,
First of all you are quite a remarkable woman to take in this child. I use to be casework and it would be very difficult for me to find relatives placements. I would have to beg and plead but to no avail, they would not assist. Many would ask for monetary compensation. This would never be authorized. They would have a hard time understanding that only Foster parents would be monetary compensated, because the state felt that family should assist and that foster care was only to be used when their were no other alternatives for the child. Many relatives would complain about the children’s situation but never wanted to really be vested in the child. They always wanted someone else to take care of it….anybody but them. When a child is placed with a relative it can be so much easier than a foster care. A couple of reasons are the child already has a relationship with the extended family. The child already temporary losses a parent, but it doesn’t have to loss other relationships such as siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. When children are taken away visitation is only for the parents not for extended family. Visits are done at and easier pace. When in foster care the child is usually taken to an agency and the caseworker watches the visits. This is usually only an hour a week. And in many cases no matter how bad the situation the child usually/always wants to be reunited at some point in their lives with the parent. So to answer your question. You have a few choices.
1. It sounds like you only have temp custody of the child. This means that mom is correct when she says that she has a right to see her child. Since this is already in the court system you could go back and request permanent placement of the child (adopting). This would allow you to cut off all contact with mom. This would also involve getting an attorney. The bad news is mom already has custody of one child. Mom could argue that since she is capable of caring for one than she should be awarded custody of the 3yr. I am not sure if you want to do that because it could turn out either way.
2. You could request that your caseworker be responsible for visits. This would be in an office setting. A little less comfortable for the child, but this way you have someone else documenting mom’s behavior. So if later on you wanted to adopt you would have paper documentation.
3. You can do your best to get along with mom, and try to make it a better situation. As hard as it may seem almost become her best friend. She will trust you more and possible listen to your advice. Encourage her to be a better parent. I know that this will be hard. But have you ever thought that both of them need you (Mother and child). It is difficult being a parent. The more help you give mom the better the situation will be. It sounds as if mom will continue to have more children. So the more you assist her the better off all three of her children will be. I would also have my grandparents and parents say positive things about the other in front of the child. This way it allowed the child to know that you both care for one another and let the child know that it was ok to love the both of you.
Also ask your caseworker if she can advise about free counseling for the child. There are tons of things out their. Have the caseworker tap into those resources for you. Good blessings, K..

J.,
we too are raising 2 of our grandchildren. This can be so frustrating. In our case we have had 4 yr old(girl) since birth and her 3 yr old brother since he is 4 months old. Mom now has a 6 month old and is expecting again in July. She don't care for any of these children while she has the 6 month old he is always sick and she don't seem to know why. She is addicted to drugs and Men! you need to keep a journal and document everything with dates and times. We have full custody of both children and mom has not seen them in over 2 yrs. I still document every phone call or letter e-mail what ever it is. Anything she tells me about the welfare of the child I also document. In order for her to get the child back she will need to go thru court ordered things such as parenting classes and mental health treatment if that is the case. She will be the one to have to prove that she can provided a better envirnoment then the child has known for years. Just keep good records and everytime she messes up make sure you have a record of it. Keep track of everything even if the child comes back dirty. You have the law on your side the burden of proof is on her.

1st - my prayers are with you. Please find the correct lawyor and don't give up. You are totally and completely right - your daughter will always have an opportunity for contact - influence- make sure its the right time... Keep a record of everything - EVERYTHING - and suggest that she have to go through supervised visits for a lengthy period of time at a supervised center - Big Brothers and Big Sisters did this for me years ago in Greensburg PA. Ask for the most restrictive so that it will go in stages over a length of time and she will have plenty of options to prove herself worthy befor she can take your granddaughter by herself anywhere. You must use TOUGH LOVE and protective love for your granddaughter - DON'T GIVE IN AND DON'T SECOND GUESS YOUR INSTINCTS - EVER!!!!

OH, my heart goes out to you. First stay calm...we are talking about a previously incarcerated person here. How serious will the courts take her? Second, don't buy into her threats. Third, DOCUMENT every phone call, every visit, doctors visit, visitation visit, take pictures of her home (anything that would stand out as unfit and unsafe and unsanitary), record phone calls, basically document all contact. This will be an ocean of eviidence that the mother is not fit to parent. If you sense in your heart of hearts that the child will be better off with you in a loving home, don't doubt for one minute that you should fight to keep it that way. My grandparents raised me until age 5 (my mom died) and when everyone except for them thought I was old enough (easy enough to care for) in my fathers home I was made to go live with my dad against my Grandparents better judgement. My happiest years were with them and my years of living emotionally abused and neglected after the age of five are not fond memories. Listen to your gut, and just do everything in your power you can ...and PRAY a lot for God's grace and serenity.

Not sure what County you are in but I do know that here in Washington County all you would have to do is address the problem to Social Services and the visitations would be stopped and if she is as bad as you say she is you might want to consider getting ahold of Social Services and letting them know and maybe getting the 21 month old as well. My suggestion would be contacting your local Welfare/Social Services office or the Child Protective Service for your area.

Wow! I just wanna say that what you guys are doing is amazing and you should be applauded for your care and concern. I understand. My 68 yr old grandmother has adopted five of my cousins (all under 12), who were neglected and would have been seperated in foster care. It is very important for you to step in strong now!! My cousins have a lot of issues from their early childhood experience.

It will be fairly hard for you to attain custody of the 3 yr old. Usually unless the mother has a proven drug addiction or something more serious, the state will not remove the child from her custody. You need to start taking pictures, taking videos of her messy house and unfit conditions, keeping logs etc to build a case against her. Your word vs hers will lose. You need proof. And a good lawyer. Do whatever you can to get the children away from her. It's better for them to have no mother at all than a poor one. My cousins call my grandma mom now. I wish you the best and hope everything works out.

Please do not hesitate to get the best lawyer that you can afford & now, do not wait. In PA, mothers are provided the right to "try again" and they do in fact get their children back even after extended periods of time (seven years in our case), proof of poor parenting skills are not enough to remove her legal rights. She will also be given additional subsidy from the government if she gets full/legal custody.( I am sure she is full aware of that!) Not to mention a free lawyer if she goes through one of the many womans centers that will drag you to court,therapist,and depositions and cause you massive legal expenses. I am sorry to tell you this is an uphill battle and I will pray that your "cutie" is saved from the savage decisions and poor court system. Keep records and logs of all of her bad conduct and even consider a P.I. to follow her to find real evidence that could be used against her. Good Luck

I am sorrry to hear about your problem. I hear what your saying. Yesterday I went to my son's house to take the two girls that he has custody of away from him. He has 3 girls ages 3,2,and 1 and has custody of the 3 and 2 year old. He spends all day playing video games and on the computer. I go over his house and the girls are naked and the house looks like a tornado hit it.

I would get as much information against her as you can. I know it's your daughter but you have your heart in the right place in keeping your granddaughter away from her. Try talking to a social worker to see if they can interviene. We had a judge order an evaluation on the mother and it found she could not raise all the children. Maybe that would be an option for you and you could even get the 21 month old.

My thoughts are with you, good luck.

J.,
I commend you for have the backbone to do the right thing even though, Lord knows, it's not the easiest. My only advice to you would be just keep records of the mother's behavior so when/if you do need to go to court, you just might have a leg to stand on. If your husband has custody of her, it will most likely be hard for the mother to get it back. There will be social workers involved who will drop by both your house, and the mother's. They know what they're doing, just trust that you can hold on to the right thing. Best of luck to you all!
Melissa

Hello...I used to work for Children,Youth, and Family Services and I can tell you that if she takes you to court over this she will definately not win. You should maybe take pictures of the outfits that you sent her and how they are returned to you. Maybe you should also make a call concerning the 21 month old because it doesn't seem like she's getting the care she needs as well. If you do get CYF involved she would definately start with supervised visits with all the children and they would make their recommendations at court as to her parenting skills. She would definately have to attend parenting classes which could do nothing but help her care for the children. Also, they could help her with her with her housekeeping. They could teach her that diapers need to be disposed of right away. I hope this helps. Good luck to you and your husband. It seems like you are doing a fantastic job with the 3yr old.