About a year ago my son's biological father walked out on me & our son. After we all moved I tried to make arrangements for the guys to see each other. At first 'my ex boyfriend' was all for it then he decided he wasn't interested in seeing our son. I was going to provide all the transportation, etc. He called irregularly to talk to our son until mid April. I was served with Paternity, visition, support, etc papers begining of July. We went to court for DNA testing and this was the first time my son had seen his father since end of Feb. Now in a little over two weeks we go back to go over DNA test and the rest of the process.My son has now only seen him twice since the seperation. WHAT ARE THE FATHER'S CHANCES OF "WINnING?" He has been through this process twice with two other women he'd married, but we never married. So what rights will he possibly get considering he 'abandoned' his child a year prior to our near by court date? I'm very worried about the safety of my son since this man is now basically a stranger to my son & for a few other reasons. My son and I look at pictures often and I tell him that is his father but what good is that to a four year old? Any ideas on how I can stop/slow the panicing about this process? Any ideas on what I might expect?
Thanks for all the wonderful responses to my message! We go back to court to go over the DNA results Tuesday, February 6, 2007. I will let you know how it goes. (Of course, the results say that he is the father.)
WENT TO COURT YESTERDAY! we had to talk to receptionist whotook our income information in order to get an idea for support payment. Then we went in to talk to the judge, who then sent us in to talk to another lady, because they thought the father was going to give up his rights.(Which unfortunately he didn't) Then we had to go back to see the judge, who then sent us back to see the receptionist to make a worksheet that included his other two support payments to other women. Then went back into court to talk about that. And then went to talk to the second person again because of calculating uninsured birth expences, since we were not married. Then we went back into talk with the judge about coming back since we had already been there for two hours and it was snowing outside and of course was closing time for them by now. He has to pay back support for 32 weeks, when the papers were filed, and pay 75% of the uninsured birth expenses which will be discussed when we go back in May. From now on I'm to pay so much of any uninsured medical bills before its split 75/25, but since the judge isn't ordering him to pay back support from the time of birth, the birth expences won't include that. He gets visitation but it has to be suppervised for at least 9 months and fazed in over the next year. We will see how it goes of course. I had a pounding headache by the time it was all over!
iM SO SORRY WHAT YOUR GOING THRU, I WISH I COULD GIVE MORE ADVICE, BUT i will keep you in my prayer, it sound like somoene told him he better get to know his sone maybe his parent or something, who knows, but i would fight him teath and nails nad if you have to get supervise visitaion to make sure since your son is not use to him, this is not good. i am so sorry my friend keep god in yourr thoughts, i will for you take care angelina
I went through a similar situation....my little girls father didn't believe that she was his we broke up while I was pregnant....he didn't see her untill she was almost 2 he took me to court for paternity and support and all that stuff, well the paternity was proved and they scheduled regular visitation, because he hadn't been a part of her life they phased the visits for her to see him ie: 4 hours for 8 weeks of visits then 8 hours for 8 weeks and then 12 hours for 8 weeks and so on until it had been almost a year and the reason they did that is because she had never spent any time with him and he was virtually a stranger to her she didn't now him.... Now the state of Indiana is a womans state....usually the only way a father can get custody in this state is to prove the mother unfit....and from the way it sounds you are far from an unfit mother ..... I don't think you have anything to worry about, but you might want to find a good lawyer that will back you up! Good luck with everything if you ever need to talk feel free to email me @ ____@____.com Let me know how it goes!
Warmest Regards,
Chrisy L
Hi K.,
I've been in the courts myself with my Daughter, you would not believe what I went through with her Father and they still grant him visitation. I will be straight up with you... he will get visitation regardless of pretty much anything. If you fight the decision it will most likely not go well. However as being there is no Father/Child bond, it probably won't go to unsupervised right away. The courts tend to like the releationship to be more established first. Don't worry about custody change he won't get that unless he can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that your an unfit parent, which I doubt he can prove. You sound like a very concerned loving Mother who wants whats best for your child:) Do you live in Indiana? If so then it would be a good idea to look up the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines. Heres the web site
http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/index.html
It tells basically all that you need to know regarding the parent times. Should he want more time (Which he can request)in order to get more time than whats stated in the Guidelines then you would have to agree first, if you do not agree then he will have to take it up with the courts. If at any time things get ugly and just don't seem to be working I would suggest getting an attorney, I know they can be very pricey but they can also be alot of help when it comes to these situations. Just make sure you ask around and do your homework on the attorneys first, don't just jump in and pick the first one you see, trust me on this... do your homework first. I'm sorry this is so long, I hope this has helped at least a little. If I sound pushy or rude please forgive me as that was not my intention, I just don't want to see you go through some of the nightmare my husband and I have been through with our children. I have custody of my Daughter, and his ex has custody of theirs, we've had problems from both of the other parents. Remember to stay as calm as possible in court, I know hard to do. I wish you the best of luck. Sorry so long.
First of all you have nothing to worry about, if he walked out on you and the child, as long as you are supporting him and he is being cared for. The courts will order him to pay child support, and set up visitation rights. If the father of the child is or can be proven irresponsible, then they can set up visitation, with a relative involved, or at a center where they can supervise. Keep your chin up and take care of your son, things will work out for you.
I have been through the court process twice, and don't worry you have nothing to fear. The mother always has the upper hand, and the only way dad would get custody is if he had proof that you were an unfit mother, which doesn't sound like you are. And that fact that he was not into visits before proves he was not there for your son. The worst that will happen is you will start receiving child support from him and he will get visitation, which is a strict schedule. Unless there is reason for the court to grant him supervised visitation, or because he has not had contact with your son, he may not be aloud to kep him overnight until your son gets used to him again. Believe me the court process is scarier than it really is, but just know your facts and don't try and lie about anything because then the court will favor with the father. Hope this helps and let us know how it goes. P.S. Where do you work that you can take your son with you, that's awesome.
K.,
As a single parent of a 20 month old, I understand the situtation completely. I have been battling the court system myself for a year and a half, and I have yet to get a court date for child support. In the begining of it all I did consult with an attorney to explore my options of custody if his father ever were to file. They explained to me that in most cases the judge will award the father tiered vistation ie. every other Sunday, if the father over a certain period of time keeps up the visitation, he will gradually move up towards a longer period and so on and so forth. However, if he doesn't see his child on his scheduled visits then he will not move to the next tier. From the sound of it you have nothing to worry about. If you have any other questions, feel free to send me a message. Best of luck and hang in there- its all worth it.
i think when you go to court and all of this is presented to the courts, it will be known what a dead beat dad he really is!!! ive had the experience of such jerks and to be blunt it is all about manipulation. your ex knows he has total control over you right now....i mean as far as you not being able to feel safe enough to not be with your son for a minute. how awesome for you that you can take him to work with you. not to scare you or anything, but if your ex so much as muffles any threats of any kind report it and document it..even to whom you reported it..even if its something so seemingly little like "you will be sorry" some people will make you feel like a paranoid freak and thats what he wants, but i can promise that most people in the judicial system have heard it all and know all kinds...im sure your ex doesnt actually want custody of your son...he left bc he couldnt be a real dad ( or whatever reason he chose to up n leave) he just wants to scare you!!! and control you!!!! my guess is that the courts will allow him visitations unless you strongly suggest and convince them to go for supervised visits. but even then guys like him wont actually stick to it....hes a boy who needs to grow up and you are better off without a dead beat like that around your son. i dont mean to be so critical but ive just about been in your situation.....i did the court stuff with a guy who wanted to look good for the courts by badmouthing me and it was he who was in there for beating the hell out of me later...he tried everything to control everything i did....he had a daughter with someone i knew and he played the games with her yet he would tell me different stories like oh im just trying to piss her off..i dont want my kid living with me..yet he was putting the mom through hell....this is one thing i could go on and on about and i do apologize for this lengthy resonse...good luck...i hope it all works out for you.
K.,
I have a 4 year old step son that my husband and I have custody of. We have been through the legal system and it was not easy. Our situation is very unique; honestly you need to find an attorney. I know that money may me tight but it is the only way.
In our experience at least I know that the courts did what was best for our son and they will do the same for you.
I understand what you are going thru, but have faith that no one is going to take your son from you if he is living in a safe, clean, and loving environment.
In our case my son’s biological mother has no visitation, but we feel it is still important that he sees her.
This man may have hurt you and your son, but he may have panicked and finally realized that he wants to be a part of his son’s life.
I hope that some of this helps.
K.
the father does have visitation rights, and he needs be paying support. you need to let him see his son, i feel he doesnt have much of a leg to stand on with custody. you need to contact legal aid, in your area and talk to them...they will be able to advise you at a minimal if any charge. you may want to consider supervised visitation for awhile too...custody hearing are not fun...no need to panic, jsut stay calm and cheerful for your son. but you do need to contact legal aid as soon as possible.
L.
It would be VERY unlikely that anything will change except that you should start receiving child support from his biological father, which should include back child support for the last four years when he had a child that he was not supporting. The courts are very very favorable to mothers. Just because he had decided he might need to own up and take some responsibility doesn't mean the judge will look at him any differently or give him special treatment. The court system believe, unless their are very unusual circumstances, that a child is always better off with the mother. Living pay check to pay check has no bearing on the outcome and with him coming forward, he will only help you out financial as he will be required to pay child support. It sounds like you are an excellent mother and that you are able to spend a lot of time wiht your son, I would say that you have very little to worry about. He should be ashamed of himself for wanting to put his four year old son through this, as he's not just putting you through this he's putting an innocent child through this that wants nothing more than to be wtih his mommy and the judges know this! Hang in there and keep your chin up, I know that things will work out for you.
You don't say what state you are in. I have been through this only my x was a control freak and when I moved out it was the only way he could get control over me. Well he did bankrupt me but I did keep my daughter who is now 10. I hope you have a good attorney and keep a notebook at your phone to jot down all calls he makes to you. You cannot stop him from establishing paternity and if you try it will not go well for you in court. If he is trying to retain custody fight him tooth and nail because if he wanted it he would of taken him when he left. Just behave yourself, take good care of your son and pray. Most of all get a good caseworker to help you through social services and most importantly don't argue with him in front of your son. It will be so detrimental. Good luck and tell me how it comes out.
Has he been paying child support? If not he can expect to. With him being so uninvolved in the child's life all this time, it's likely that he won't get custody. Judges don't like breaking the child's routine...being that you've been his sole primary caregiver all of this time you should be awarded custody. As far as the father...he may be able to get visitation rights to the child. If you don't mind my asking...why did you split up? If there was domestic violence involved and the child runs a risk of being harmed by him, then you may be able to get the judge to allow him visitation or the judge may require that he receive supervised visitation through an agency. But regardless, as long as you wind up with full custody, he'll have to pay child support. If you have any evidence of abandonment, I suggest you take that evidence to court with you. Any documentation proving that the child has been residing all of this time with you and that you have been the sole support of the child, take that with you as well. Bring people or statements from people (notorized of course)that can vouch for your situation. Good luck and relax, right now it seems that the ball is in your court.
I have a 3 year old, recently divored and my daughter doesn't even know her father. he plays no part in her life. we were married and i got full custody, he doesn't even have visitation. If you weren't ever married to this guy then you should have nothing to worry about. 90% of the time the child gets placed with the mother, especially if the mother is who the child knows the best. Rarely does the father get custody in a nonmarital setting. The only way he would have a chance taking the child is if he can prove you to be unfit, which is almost impossible for a father to do. So, all and all you shouldn't be worried about anything, relax, no tension, your son can sense your feeling, which makes it harder on him.
In Indiana they will calculate back support from the day the court case was filed. SO he will be behind approx 1yr support plus all current support. Since he has two previous children, this will reduce the amount you will receive because they will not reduce the support on those children. He will most likely get visitation and if you are uncomfortable with guidleines immediately you can suggest a phased in apporoach. An example would be he pick up the child every Sat from 10-7 for 6 weeks then after six weeks the child would start spending the night on Sat from 10am until noon on Sun for 4 weeks and then if he has reasonably complied would begin guidleine visiations. By him taking you to court it appears that he must care somewhat. Just try to be open. If he gets visition (at what ever level) let your child see you happy (even when your worried), encourage the child it will be fine (even if they are scared to leave you). This is your childs relationship now and unless you reallly beleive he is in harms way then you should be supportive. Good luck.
