Problems with Sleeping in Own Crib

Sleep with your baby, Woman.My first child (now 10 and in her own bed for years) slept with me and my 2 year old is in my bed at present.I adjust my 2 yr. old many times during the night (on some nights) so she does'nt hog our queen size bed.She sleeps 9-10 hours a night.Your baby needs to be near you ,that is why he cries.You will sleep better with him in your bed.

Hi,
I have two kids, ages 6 and 10 and my husband and I have enjoyed allowing them to sleep in our bed until they choose to sleep in their own. We both enjoy the closeness this creates with the kids and I wouldn't change it for anything. Sleeping with your kids gives them an extra feeling of security and studies have shown that they are more confident and do better in school! There are books written about the benefits of allowing your kids to sleep with you, "Three in a bed" is one. Sears wrote a book called "Night time parenting" which may be useful. He talks about this situation and how to wean the kids from all kinds of attachments.
Good luck!
P.

K.,

Have you tried reading any of the attachment parenting books out there? You might find them very useful as attachment parenting encourages co-sleeping and discusses how to eventually wean kids out of your bed. They also discuss the idea of having the crib in your room. There are also co-sleepers that you put by your bed they are 3 sided so the baby is in its own space but right beside you in bed. Try the Sears attachment parenting book.

Good luck.
C.

Hi K.,

Ok, it sounds like you do not want a "family bed" as it is called when choosing to co-sleep so I will respond from that understanding! Your son is 14 months old, and I know that even though it may seem he doesn't have the capasity to understand, he does! I would tell him very clearly several times a day (when you are just hanging out with him), "Tonite when it is time to sleep, you will be in your crib and if you wake up you will need to soothe yourself back to sleep. Mama loves you and I will come get you in the morning." Or something to that end...tell him lovingly , calmly and often that night time is for sleep and day time is for being awake and that is how it is going to be. Also, check his room...does it become completely dark or are street lites glowing in? Does he have a night lite that can draw his drowsy attention in the middle of the night? It really helps if there is no light and that the room can stay totally dark until you open the curtains. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to explain the situation to him and give him alot of information like, "If you start to wake up and the room is dark, that means go back to dreamland!" Create a scenario that he can relate to and make it into a mantra...."At night when you go to sleep what happens?" "Mama puts her love in the crib with you to keep you cozy and she comes back in the morning!" Things like that will support him in understanding the reality of what is happening and he will find his inner ability to accept what is. I would also tell him that you will not come in if it is dark because you will be sleeping too, but that your love is there in the crib with him. Good Luck!

I wish I was writing you with advice but I'm just letting you know that I can sympathize with your situation. Our son is 17 months old and we are in the exact same boat. He would wake in the middle of the night in his crib and cry after being asleep for 2-4 hours. We can see him on the video monitor and he would be standing up looking at the door of his room and screaming. I can't stand letting him cry it out and also am too tired in the middle of the night to play the game where you go and check on him every so often - I agree it makes him even more upset. So we started bringing him into our bed in the middle of the night, until he got sick in October and we just skipped the crib altogether and he just goes to bed with us.

We are going to try to get him his own full size bed. He is very mobile when he's asleep and I think what wakes him up is when he rolls over and hits the side of his crib. We are going to put rails on the bed, they have a soft mesh side and we think that might help. Even if I have to go to his room in the middle of the night and lay down with him to get him back to sleep I don't care, as long as I get him used to the idea of sleeping in his own room. I really think its just a phase and am not worried at all. Good luck to you.

Hi K.. I am a 35 year old working mother of a 21 month old who has been sleeping in our bed as long as I can remember. It started when he had a bad cold and we didn't want to leave him alone in his crib. Now every night we hang off the edge of our CA King bed as our son sleeps comfortably between us. I think the fact that we are working mothers makes the guilt 10 times worse when it comes to the "crying" it out theory. Also, our son is always sick with some sort of cough or runny nose from being in daycare and like you said the crying turns into a terrible choking attack and you just can't leave him in there alone, it's scary. I am sorry that I have no advice for you on how to solve this problem, but wanted you to know that you are not alone. I too am searching for a way to correct this without causing our son too much distress.

Is it possible to move his crib into your room and gradually have him sleep a full night in the crib? Once he is comfortable with sleeping on his own in the crib in your room, perhaps you can then move the location of the crib back into his room...

I highly reccommend the book, "The Baby Whisperer" by Tracy Hogg. (Also go to babywhisperer.com for great support)`She describes in this book a method called Pick up/Put Down in which you teach your child to self-soothe rather than letting hom 'cry it out'. It worked great for me with my daughter and now she is a stellar sleeper. It does require a committment to several nights (you and hubby can trade off) of consistent attention. Also, do you have a nighttime routine with your son, i.e. bath, reading, lullaby? How are his nap times? Does he sleep in his crib for a nap? Do you have hom in daycare or is he at home with a sitter? It can be very helpful for nighttime sleeping to establish a good sleeping routine for naps during the day. When my daughter was an infant/toddler, I tried as best I could to respect her nap times by making sure we were home and she was in bed for her naps (not napping in the car seat, etc.) This made the transition to preschool, and now Kindergarten a breeze AND helped A LOT with nighttime routine.

HOpe this helps. We all know how challenging sleep issues can be, but better to bite the bullet now and deal with it than wait until son is older and it will be MORE difficult. Just tough this out and deal with it and then enjoy your sleep!

T.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Most cultures in the world share sleep, it is only our western culture that believes children need to be isolated to sleep properly. Our son slept in our bed until 4 years old, and transitioned very easily to his own bed (in the same room at this point). I never experienced the sleepless nights that seem to plague parents who sleep alone and have to get up to soothe their child.

I would try putting the little one on the side instead of in the middle, perhaps between you and the wall, so that he doesn't disturb you husband's sleep. It is of course important that everyone be able to sleep well! Don't be down on yourself: selfishness is important when it comes to sleep hygeine. Why shouldn't the whole family get enough rest?

Honestly, it seems like so much trouble to get him to sleep by himself: what's the point? I would concentrate on making your husband comfortable.

Do what seems right for your family, and for you as a mother: don't worry too much about other people's opinions. Follow your instinct. If it feels uncomfortable to you to let him cry alone in his bed, why should you? It definitely feels uncomfortable to him.

We did the same thing with our first. But mainly because my husband worked late into the nights, and it was more for my sake than my sons, but soon I wanted out of the trap. When my husband came to bed, he would move our sleeping son to his own crib. That way although our son went to sleep in our bed he would wake up in his own and get used to his own surroundings. If he's a light sleeper though and wakes during the transition, here's another idea that my sister did... She put a toddler bed next to her bed in her room... And every week she would move the bed just a little further away from her... Slowly making the transition... Hope these ideas help.

does he have a night light in his room? I hated useing the cry it out method after even a few minutes, but with time it worked, my daughter wouldnt cry for 2 hours though. if he takes naps during the day try limiting it to an hour nap and if that is not enough allow a second hour nap, then come bedtime he should be tired enough to sleep right through the night. My ped use to have me give my daughter benidryl(not sure of the spelling sorry) about 1/2 hour before bed time so that when it was time for bed she would sleep right through the night, so try the benidryl and a night light if he doesnt have one in his room. It may work. hope this helps

I highly recommend the book The Sleep Easy Solution which you can find on the website www.sleepyplanet.com. We also consulted with one of the authors, Jill Spivak, who devised a plan for us and our daughter. Although she is younger, it really worked! It does involve crying it out, but they call it the "least cry" approach. It might be worth looking into. Good Luck!

You say you work full-time, so I think your son is screaming to be with you--even if he can only be with you when he's sleeping. He needs that closeness. For the first two years, separation from mother is perceived by the child as abandonment. Since his emotional needs for you can't be met during the day, then your son needs you at night. You will both be happier if you let him sleep with you. It won't last forever, but it's crucially important until he's secure enough to want to sleep in his own bed. (Personally, I wouldn't want to sleep behind bars, either!) Historically, infants and children worldwide have slept in the family bed. They weren't wrong! When you lovingly meet your son's needs, he will not have to develop survival skills, he'll thrive! See www.aTLC.org, the website of the Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children for lots of good suggestions.

I had the same issue when my daughter was the same age and what we did was:
We put her in her crib and put a chair next to it. I would bring my laptop and sit there while she cried or more like whined but saw I was there. I wouldn't pick her up but I would tell her it was all ok and to go to sleep. By the third night she stopped crying and would just watch me. After that I started to put the chair farther and farther from her crib toward the door. By the time the chair was out the door she was fine. This took about a week and my husband I I took turns.
Also, I put a CD with classical lullabies on and have a night light in her room.
I had another friend try this and has the same success.

There were nights she would wake up and want to come in our room so I would go in her room and lay down next to the crib. I say with in a few weeks everything was settled. We do have the occasional wakes but that is rare now.

Hope this helps
-M

I have no advice for you but can share my situation. I think you should do whatever works for you and your child. Every child is different. My daughter, who is now five, has slept through the night since she was five weeks old. My son is 22 months old and still does not sleep through the night. He has always been a terrible sleeper and I would literally be up ALL night with him, trying to get him to sleep in his own room. He would wake up crying eight to ten times a night, and I would spend hours in his room patting his back or rocking him. If I let him cry, he would scream for over three hours every night. I finally gave up.

Now every night I rock him until he is completely asleep then put him in the crib. He will sleep there until anywhere between 10:30 and 2:00. When he wakes up I bring him in bed with me and my husband sleeps in the extra twin bed in my daughter's room. He still wakes up four or five times a night, but it's easier to just reach over to sooth him than it is to spend hours in his room.

I know many people will say that this is wrong, but it works for us. My husband has to get up at 4:00 every morning, and he is able to get a good night's sleep and my daughter is rested for school and I don't have to spend the entire night in my son's room.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck!!!

C.

K., perhaps your son is not old enough/emotionally ready for crying it out yet. I tried the "softer" CIO method when my daughter was 8 months (going back to reassure her at 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 15, etc...)and it was horrible! The crying, the shrieking for hours and hours...and she became crabby and clingy during the day. After 2 nights, I couldn't take it anymore. It just seemed mean and unnatural. I returned to letting her sleep with us, sleeping with her on the floor, rocking her ALL night...whatever worked. When she was 14 months, I was going to school full-time and she still was waking up 4 times a night. I was exhausted! My husband and I tried CIO again, but MY way. I rocked her to sleep and snuggled her with soft music playing, and when she was out cold, I laid her in her crib. After a few hours she woke up, but whenever I went back to her room to reassure her, she screamed even louder! So I stopped and I just let her cry. The first night she cried for 30 heart-wrenching minutes, fell asleep, woke up several hours later, cried again for 20 minutes and fell asleep. I fully expected her to be moody and clingy in the morning, but she woke up happy and cheerful as usual. The next night was the same routine. By the third night, she only woke up once. After a week, she was rocking to sleep in my arms, waking up only once to whine for a minute or two, and then sleeping fine the rest of the time. Now, at 18 months old, not only is she a great sleeper (who wakes up and cries only when she has a poopy diaper, and averages 12.5 hours a night) but she often tells me and my husband she's ready for night-night by toddling into her room, getting her blanket or bear, bringing them to us and pointing down the hall to her room (she doesn't talk yet). I think by just waiting and trying the CIO method again later, my daughter was more emotionally ready for it and it worked. So, let your son sleep with you for now if that's how he sleeps best. I think the advice about putting him between you and the wall is good, too. And just do whatever it takes to get some sleep! In a few months, you can try sleep training again. Hang in there! He'll get it eventually. This is such a short, transient time in his life. I know it seems like you'll never, ever sleep again, but trust me. It gets better!

hi!

I can see that you are at your wit's end. There are some people who are against the "crying out methid" approach, and other's who totally believe in it, and I fall into that category. Anyways as you said earlier YES, your kid is used to sleeping besides you, it's become his comfort area, and he's familiar to have you beside him. This can be a challenging situtaion for both of you, but you need to look at long term benefits of the crying out method, and go for it. Does your son have a bedtime routine? Try and calm him down, by reading a nice book in his room, and talk to him and reassure him for a while. Put him to sleep in his crib, and if and when he cries, pacify him a couple of times, and go back to your room. This is painstaking, and very sleep depriving, but it works, since the kid gets the signal that mum and dad will not come to take him, and he's got to sleep on his own. After following this routine for a few days, the waking up intervals will decrese, and so will his anxiety, give him a week, and he will be sleeping more than 8 hrs. I know this is tough as parents, but sometimes, we have to take the tough road, to get results. All the Best..

C.

Let him sleep with you. I have 3 kids, the oldest 24 the youngest 17 and they all slept with us all at one time or another. The boys (my first two) went into their rooms in their own time but my daughter (youngest) continued to sleep on the floor in our room for years. I think she finally went into her adorable room when she was around 10, 11 or so. All of our kids are wonderful, well adjusted, college graduates, (Taylor, my daughter, just got into her first pick of colleges).

Anyway, these years go so quickly, enjoy them to the fullest. There is a book, the Family Bed, which can provide insight. I was always a firm believer in making my schedule work around my babies, it was always a lot easier than trying to make them conform to mine. I felt by meeting their needs as infants, they would become more self assured, confident young adults, so far, so good. Good luck

Hi K....Reading your request for help brought back alot of memories. My 3 are adults now, but had their own individual sleep problems. My first child's father would not allow me to let our daughter cry herself to sleep because of his work schedule,so I ended up having to bring her to bed with us, we had a king size waterbed, and she would sleep for hours. When she turned 18 months we bought her a twin size floatation water bed hoping that would encourage her to sleep in her own bed, but it didn't...she finally did outgrow sleeping with us.Try getting those extra long pillows and make your son his very own section of the bed and see if that helps. Believe me when I say I know what sleep deprived over babies and toddler's sleep disorders is like. Hopefully you'll get alot of advice... good luck. Sincerely, CJ

Hi K.,

The same thing happened to me, but it was when my son was about 2...it does really become taxing on your body and your relationship with both child and son - when YOU do not get the rest you need!!!

This is what we did. I bought him a "toddler bed" - we had him pick it out and it only took a couple of nights and he was sleeping well again. I also sew, so I made him a new fleece blanket cover for the bed - helping to make it his own...try it and see if it works for you.

I don't know if 14 months is too young for the toddler bed or not...I think it depends on the individual child!

Good Luck~G. R

My friend used a gentler version of the cry it out method. I don't know if you have already tried it this way. My friends doctor recommended setting a specific amount of time that she would let her son cry for (she did 5 minutes but you could do more). After 5 minutes of crying she would go in and sooth him and help reassure him and settle him back down. If he began crying again she would wait 5 minutes before she went in again. She did this during naps and night time. Consistency is key... never going in sooner than the 5 minutes of crying. It is also very important that your son learn to put himself to sleep. Babies that put themselves to sleep tend to sleep better through the night and be able to sooth themselves back to sleep on their own. This method will take a few days maybe a week but it is nicer than just letting him cry.

Do whatever you can to change that situation now while he is still young. My children are now 11 and 8 and I had the same issue with my son (oldest). All I wanted at the time was to sleep, so I let him sleep with me and couldn't stand to hear him cry. The crying it out method works, but you have to be prepared and determined to go through with it. I wouldn't worry about how many hours of sleep he's getting, because once he gets settled into the routine he will sleep more hours. Make sure other things are in place also, such as, no overly long naps and not too late in the day. At that age he needs to go to bed by about 7 p.m. Make sure he is not doing anything to stimulate him before bed. He needs to be calm, warm bath, story, whatever works for him. If you don't like the crying out method, there are many other effective ones out there that you can be comfortable with. But really put the other things in place first (naptime, bedtime routines)and that will help. Good Luck!!

have you considered other methods like the sleep lady book or no cry sleep solution? they are not going to fix this over night but this habit was not formed over night. i am certainly a mom who is not in favor of any CIO methods so my opinion will differ a lot from some of the previous advice posted... i'm sure you've heard lots of opinions from both sides so you don't need to hear more. but it sounds like the CIO method hasn't worked anyway and it doesn't sound you want to give it a go again. there's nothing wrong with that. if you don't want the family bed either, can you wean your baby into a bed or crib that is in your room? maybe you could get a fouton mattress for the floor and sleep with your baby there until he's fast asleep and then join your husband.

hang in there... STTN is a developmental milestone - it's not something i believe children should be forced to do. just be patient. patience is important in parenting too.

I believe that sleeping is definitely the most difficult aspect of parenting young children. My son co-slept with us until he was 7 months( until I night weaned him) The transition to the crib was definitely challenging- I read and re-read the best sleep book- Healthy Sleep Habits, HAppy Child. I highly recommend it! It is difficult, the babies usually do want to be with us, and that's natural. My son, now 3 1/2 still comes in to see us between 5 and 7 am - which is manageable for us and i love that snuggle time with him. Grab that book, get naps when you can, and know that one day he will be a great sleeper.

Well every child is different and I finally got it right on the 3rd child. My daughter will be one in a few days and until she was 10.5 months she slept in my bed. The younger you do this the easier it is (at least for our house) Im stil working on the 3 and 5 year old. First I would try an extra feeding 30-45 minutes before bed to make sure its not a hunger thing. Then put him down and say mommy loves you time for bed sweet dreams goodnight. Or your version. Let him cry for 15 min or your desired amount of time. Then go in lay him back down same thing mommy loves you. And leave.
My daughter went from awaking every 2 hours to sleeping 12-14 hours a night. The first night is rough but it only took about 2 nights. The key is dont pick him up just lay him down and be consistent. If you start and give on on day 2 you have to start over and its even harder because he knows you will give in.
I was totally freaking about this and was shocked that after 2 nights she slees so much better. Babies thrive on routine and consistency and the sooner you do it the better.
In the end you need to do what works for your famliy and you will figure it out.
Good luck

I did the same thing with my oldest. She would not cry to sleep, and being sleep deprived like you, we finally just said fine, come to bed with us. We are totally fine with that, and three kids later, we still let our kids get in our bed sometimes. When she was probably about 18 months or so, I started laying with her to get her to sleep. She still cried for a while, but it wasn't as bad as crying to sleep alone in her crib. And by this age, I knew she understood what was going on, and she needed to learn to obey. If she woke up in the middle of the night, I'd go back in and lay down with her again, and she'd go back to sleep within a few minutes. We've done this now with all three kids (my youngest is 20 months so I just finished it with her), and they are very well adjusted and secure. I think you and your husband have to decide together what is best for your family as far as bed-sharing, getting enough sleep, and bringing some order and discipline into your child's routine. Above all, he needs to know that he's loved, you're there when you need him, but he also has to obey and trust you. Don't come under the pressure of everyone's opinions about bed-sharing, crying to sleep, etc. You do what works for your family and you'll be fine!! Good luck!

The crying out method has actually been shown to create many emotional problems in young children due to the fact that these poor babies are scared and screaming for their parents (distress) - when the parents don't come the child feels even more scared and abandoned (despair). Over time (those several horrible nights) Then they simply give up. They have learned that when they need you you will not be there.

The other reason cry it out methods are not good is that it is not healthy for the babies bodies. The intense screaming and crying leads to blood pressure rising - pressure in the head also rises - there have been cases of babies have brain bleeds as a result... I fail to see how anyone anywhere can believe this is a good thing and that the importance of making a child independent is worth the risks to a child's sense of trust in his parents and his health. The intense panic attacks you describe worry me - I'd advise that you do not ever let this happen again - it is not healthy for your child in any way.

So you are worried about bringing your child to bed. Why? He will go to his own eventually. :) Right now you will all get more sleep - your son will feel safe and loved, you will know he is safe - you all get sleep - what is the problem?? Co-sleeping (or in this case, Co-Bedding) has been shown to be a healthy way to raise a child. Not all children and parents can co-bed (I couldn't co-bed with my middle son - he kicked too much!) but they can co-sleep - which is simply sleeping in the same room.

If you are fine letting him sleep in your bed - go for it! It is wonderful, warm and snuggly - it will leave you with many warm memories of waking in the morning to a sleeping child - or even better - a child who greet you with a BIG smile! If it is hard for you to have him in bed (for whatever reason) bring his crib into your room and let him co-sleep. If he sees you there, he may very well be just fine.

Now, regarding the length of time he sleeps. This is normal. I know it is a challenge, but not all toddlers sleep for 12 hours at night. So, by simply understanding that he is sleeping in his own normal sleeping pattern...it will help you at least to ease the frustration. If he will sleep longer by coming into bed with mom and dad when he wakes up early, then bring him into bed. You will get more sleep and so will he.

You said you work full-time. Many kids will need to stay up longer to be with parents - to reconnect - after mom and dad come home from work. Babies in full-time day care spend the bulk of their awake time with people other than their parents. They NEED time with their parents - so they take it when they can. This is normal...

I wish you luck. I've been there...I finally just let my kids sleep with me (except #2 - he slept near me) because I got better sleep and so did they. I learned very quickly that it was a wonderful thing and actually suited me and my (then) husband. Our children are very happy, healthy and independent. :)

Take care!

J. Simpson, IBCLC, CIIM
Lactation Consultant

Hi! K.:
I feel your pain! My son is 21 months old and was also the worst sleeper. We would get him to sleep, put him down, and he would wake up 30 minutes later! Get him back to sleep and he would wake up an hour later! Get him back to sleep again and he would wake up 10 minutes later! My husband started putting him in our bed so we could all get a good night sleep! We now have a daughter who is 5-1/2 months old and seems to be a better sleeper in her crib(so far). We are now putting our son in his bed at night and he will sleep there most of the night then end up in our bed at some point.
I don't like the "cry it out" thing.....it's just so horrible. It's a hard habit to break. I really don't have a suggestion for you as I did the same thing! All I can say is that I feel your pain and good luck!!

how about putting one of your shirts in his crib? one that you've had on so that is has your smell and warmth still on it.
Or maybe a piece of your blanket if you don't mind cutting it...
stick to your guns on the "wait it out" process too...you don't want your lil one in YOUR bed when he's potty training...but that's a whole other situation!
Good Luck!

Right now my husband and I have our 15 month old's crib pushed up against our bed so that he is in his own, but next to us. Wish ours was sleeping as well as yours. Ours was ill also and we went back to nursing him at night so we're back to square one. Instead of crying it out alone, my husband would hold him and bounce/rock him back to sleep when he woke up. That worked after a day or two. Good luck!

The crying out is supposed to be done in increments. You start out by 5 minutes then eventually work up to 2 hours. It usually works if you do right. The first night my son cried about 2 hours of hell with the increments. By the 3rd night it worked. Please get "Solve your child's sleep problems" by richard ferber in the library. This book was recommended by my doctor and worked for both of my oldest kids. If you don't you will continue having sleepless nights.

Dear K. F and Husband,
Sorry you're having such a hard time with your son. You've tried everything I would have tried, except for one thing. I might try bring his crib in your room for a few nights to see if that might be what he wants. He'll be close to both of you, but he'll also learn that he has his own bed where he should be sleeping. Don't give in to his demands and deprive yourselves of sleeping together as a couple. It starts young for them, they try to control your lives, from one thing to another. And before you know it they have you wrapped around their tiny little fingers. I've seen it happen to my younger sister and her baby son. It all started with sleeping in their bed also and now he is 7yrs old and bossing them around. It's not pretty to watch. My husband and I were so lucky with our 3 girls. We didn't go through half of what parents do today. If all else fails, try ear plugs for both of you! Just kidding!
Good Luck from V. T

About me...55yrs old, married 26yrs., mother of 3 girls ages 23,22,& 18yrs.,elementary school teacher of 10yrs.and a people lover. I'll be thinking of you and saying a little pray as well.

You said it in your first sentence -- "I think I've made a bad mistake". If you want to solve the problem that you created you need to be a PARENT as well as a WIFE. Take a couple of days off work and let your 14 month old cry it out at night. Your comment about "he works himself up and can't breathe" is an excuse because if he couldn't breathe you'd be doing CPR or going to the ER. As an ER/ICU nurse I know if the child is crying, he's breathing. Also, if you can't stand up to your child when he is 14 months old how are you going to set boundries and limitations when he is 14 years old??!!?? Your parenting starts NOW and if you want to sleep at night and stay married I suggest you take a few days and change your child's sleeping habits. Search out some parenting classes or buy the Super Nanny's book -- it works!