My husband's grandmother is in her 90s and lives on the other side of the country. She is edlerly and lonely but generally in decent health although not very mobile. We have a 20 month old and a newborn, and I have no interest in visiting his grandmother for several years. We are not big fans of traveling with our kids as they are on very routine schedules and are not very flexible. My husband and I are also light sleepers, so we find that traveling with our kids inevitably leads to everyone being tired and cranky. Recently we found out that a relative told my husband's grandmother that we are never planning to visit her again, and now she is understandably upset. I feel for her, but frankly, visiting her is miserable. She has mild dementia and is too old to interact or even hold our children. My older daughter will not stay in her house for long periods of time just sitting and talking as she would like, plus her home is not childproofed and full of breakable objects. We end up staying in a hotel, which is expensive, and results in us sitting in a dark room around 7:00 every night when our kids go to bed. I hate feeling like I'm being selfish, but I don't wan to make this trip again. I have told my husband he can go and visit his grandmother if he wishes, but that I really don't want to go. Am I being unreasonable?
Let me update this...first off, we traveled twice last year to visit this great-grandmother. She has met our older daughter twice now. In the past, we have visited the grandmother every year, so it is not like we have not visited her. The last time we did visit her, it was a miserable experience for all of us. My husband doesn't really have a desire to repeat the trip...but now we all feel guilty to do so. I do not know, obviously, when the grandmother will die. It is by no means imminent. For all I know, she could live another 10 years, then again at this age, she could die tomorrow. There's no way for us to know at this point. I assume we will continue to be pressured to visit her yearly for as long as she is alive. The cost of visiting her will likely be several thousand dollars, so it's really a burden to our family. I'm not worried about my kids being "off schedule" for a few days. It's more spending a lot of money for what will inevitably be a difficult and unpleasant trip.
We've decided to wait until the newborn is around 1 years old to go visit the great-grandmother. My husband is content if she passes away between now and then, and we don't get a chance to see her. At 1 years old, it will be an easier and more enjoyable trip plus our toddler will be older and will get more out of it. My youngest needs to get some vaccines before I am willing to take her on an airplane and expose her to a lot of people, plus we aren't interested in taking her up north in the winter. In general, my husband and I have very distant relationships with our extended family, so I guess we have a different perspective than many of the respondents. My husband is close with his grandmother, but we have visited her quite a bit in the past several years. Yes, she could die, but we see that as life at this point.
For those who would hate me or feel very sad about the situation, I'm not sure where you would draw the line with what is enough. I mean if we visit this month, would you visit again next month, because she is still alive? Or every 6 months? Or every time you thought of taking a vacation? Yes, I have empathy for an elderly woman, but we do not live close and there is only so much we can do. It's not like a 4 or 5 day trip once a year is going to relieve her loneliness. I write her, send photos and call her frequently...but we do have our own life.
Well...yeah. She's in her 90s. She doesn't have "years" to wait for you to decide that it's "convenient" for you to all visit.
Perhaps you can learn to be a bit more flexible and value time with family more than your routines. I hope that your grandchildren marry people who are a bit more generous of heart that you are being.
When I was 9 months my parents took me on a plane to see my great-grandma, who had advanced dementia. I don't remember the experience, but I still have the photos. It was one of the most important moments of my life. When I learned to write, I'd write to her in heaven and let the wind catch my letters, taking them to the sky. I treasure having met her and am very connected to my ancestors; I value this so much. So I'm making a point to make sure my kids see as much as possible of elderly grandparents. Really it comes down to the photos for me, since I agree the experience itself can be difficult (travel, etc). But the photos last forever.
Yes, I think you're being unreasonable. This post made me very sad.
The last Christmas we lived in Kansas we traveled to Ohio (where I'm from) to see my family. We REALLY were not in a place were we could afford it (and we drove). My grandmother was 90 and in good health for the most part but the "you just never know" thought was with me. So off we went to see my family and spend Christmas eve at my grandmothers house .... a family tradition.
8 days later ... EIGHT DAYS ... my grandmother passed away. And since we had spent the money to go home for Christmas we didn't have the money for me to go home and attend the funeral. But I'd MUCH rather have my last memory of my grandmother be her laughing smiling face alive and celebrating with her family ... who meant EVERYTHING to her.
We did the same thing the first Christmas we moved back to California ... we made sure we attended Christmas festivities with my husbands grandmother. The following September she passed away.
You never know how much time you have for things to be "easier". Schedules can be readjusted, hotel rooms can be gotten with sitting room areas (that aren't super expensive). She's already in her 90's ... just how many more "years" do you think, realistically, she's got?
I'd suck it up and go visit.
Don't you want to see her, at least one last time, before she passes away???
She already has Dementia etc.
It will get progressively worse.
She is not mobile, and cannot travel across the country herself.
She needs, care taking for her health issues.
It is a matter of conscience.
You bite the bullet and you all go see her, even if she may not be totally 100% cognizant of your baby or you or your Husband.
Or, you send your Husband only.
And you decide what to do, knowing that, one day she will not even be here in this world.
My late Dad, was very ill before he died. We ALL did constant care taking for him. It was arduous. EVERYDAY. And you know, some of his immediate relatives, could not even MAKE the time, to come visit him. At all. They said they were busy, lacked the budget etc. And barely even called him. He was very, sad about that. I saw him.... being sad. It was heartbreaking. Very heartbreaking for him. He did a TON for his relatives while he was able bodied. And then, when he was sick and ill and going downhill in health, they could not even make the time or the trip, to come see him. And he would ASK them to come see him. They gave all kinds of excuses. And MEANWHILE, these same family/relatives... were taking trips and going on vacations all over the place. But could not even make time, to see or visit my Dad.
When a person is ill and dying... that is when you see a person's real level of caring or not... and their sense of graciousness or not.
And because of the way my relatives acted... while my Dad was ill and dying and still not visiting him... I DO NOT HAVE warm feelings about them. Anymore. Then they finally showed up... but at my Dad's funeral. that still didn't mean much. Because while he was sick and ill and dying... they made NO time, for him. Not even phone calls.
Think about it.
Your Husband's Grandmother, is on a downhill spiral per her health and cognition. It is either an inconvenience matter or a matter of conscience.
Being old, ill and lonely... is a VERY HARD THING TO BE. I saw my late Dad... going through that, because of his cold relatives. His friends were nicer to him, while he was ill.
When a person is in that state of health... and diminishing mental capacity... per my Dad... YES it entails just SITTING with them for company and companionship. THAT Is what you do. FOR them.
It is, called "compassion." For the ill and dying. And love, for them. And showing it. While they are still, alive.
I'm sorry this is hard for you.... but my heart breaks, for your Husband's Grandmother. It makes me remember... my late Dad's.... heartbreaks too, before he died. And his family not even giving him the time of day.
I would often, just sit with my Dad.... just sitting there WITH him, for companionship... so he would not be lonely. And just showing him, that he is not just an inconvenience. That he is still loved. Even my Husband.... did these things for my Dad. And even would drive him around, just so he could get outside. My Husband... would stay up late at night... just sitting with my Dad too. Just for company and making whatever conversation he could, with my Dad. My Dad had had a stroke too... so he could not talk, fully. But he still could say some things. He was a human... and we loved him.
My kids.... talk about my late Dad often. They love him. They did not know him. But they remember him, because he is still a part of their lives. And they love, going to the cemetery, to bring flowers for him. Now.
How does your Husband, feel about this?
Traveling with kids is never easy.
But your Husband's Grandmother, is 90... years old.
Just how much time, has she got?
Go.
Yes, it's inconvenient for you but life isn't about perfect timing. It's one week of your life that will mean the world to hers.
I know about the hassle of traveling with a small child to please family. Not only have I schlepped my son to visit relatives that live a long distance away since he was an infant, I took him to Italy when he was 2 to see my brother get married. Quite possibly the "vacation" from hell as he had major jet lag and was a bit of a terror, esp having to sit through boring adult functions such as rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, wedding and reception, not to mention me wanting to see some of italy for my money! And although family was there, not one of them lifted a finger to help. But I would do it all over again for the chance to see my brother get married.
Others lives don't revolve around your children and neither should yours. With the oldest being only 20 months (still flies for free!) you have a lot of years ahead of you that she shouldn't get to control. If she is a bit bored, so be it. Did anyone love visiting their grandparents when they were that young? Or remember it? At least you'd have some nice photos to show your kids with their great-grandmother when they are old enough to care.
Yes, it might be miserable and I'm not discounting that dread at all. But wow, what if it wasn't?
Yes, I think you're being unreasonable & selfish & inflexible. I mean, the woman is 90 and ALONE in another state. If you wait too long, and she dies, I guarantee that you'll have more to worry about than a messed up schedule - you'll have a resentful husband whose kids never met their great grandmother. You think he'll be happy if that happens, and YOU were the one that was controlling it all? If I were your DH, I'd probably hate you.
As parents & spouses, sometimes we do things we don't want to, to make someone we love, happy. It's called having a heart, it's called empathy & compassion. This is about your DH & his grandmother, not you. She deserves to see those kids, whether or not it's convenient to you. Your DH deserves to be there to see it, and have that memory. It's not fair for you to make that decision for her, or your DH.
I REALLY hope you don't end up old & alone & have the same thing happen to you. How would you feel, then? Wouldn't you be heartbroken if you were the one who was elderly, alone, and had a grandson who's wife wouldn't allow their kids to see you, all because it's a huge inconvenience to her?
Your kids and you will not die from shaking up the schedule. If my DH tried to do what you're doing, we'd have major problems & I'd be questioning the quality of his character, among other things.
I agree with a PP, this post makes me very sad, as well, and yet another sign of how self absorbed & one sighted our society has become. Life is short, people die, and all we are left with are our regrets, and our memories. Remember that.
I can see why his grandmother would be upset. I have to wonder why the relative felt it necessary to tell her that you never plan on visiting. Seems like an unnecessarily cruel thing to do to an old woman whether it's true or not.
Maybe she just needs to know that she's loved and you are thinking of her. Back before the internet use to send my grandmother cards all the time. The funny just thinking of you cards or a blank note card.. I'd include stories clipped out of the newspaper I thought she's like, or a picture, and always a handwritten note saying hi and I love you. It gave her something to look forward to and made her feel special and loved.
Yes traveling a long distance with small children can be a pain however instead of focusing on how it will effect you how about thinking about what it would mean to his grandmother? You don't have to sit around her house all the time. If she can go out you could go to a park and she could watch your 20 month old play. You could plan a could short visits at her house and do other things to entertain yourself.
Travelling with small children is a challenge but it does not have to be miserable. With some planning and a good attitude, you can make the trip special and memorable.
Older people usually don't have the energy for a long visit. It is probably better to stay for an hour at a time and spend the rest of your trip doing things with other family members or with just your children. Find fun and simple activities in grandma's town. Parks, kids museums, or just a trip to the mall. Visit other relatives. Is there one who could babysit while you and your husband go out alone one night?
Take tons of pictures. Your children may not remember this trip but will appreciate your memories of your time with this older relative.
Do not sit in your dark hotel room from 7 pm every night!!! You are already spending $$ to travel, so spend a little more for adjoining rooms so you can put your kids to bed and you and hubby can enjoy the evening together on your side with the lights on... or not. There are also plenty of suite hotels set up for families. They are often reasonably priced and can make your stay much more pleasant.
Go! Having children is never convenient but always an adventure. Don't let life pass you by for the sake of routine. You may be tired but you can catch up on your sleep when you get back home!
All I know is that I would give anything in this world at any amount of cost or inconvenience if my daughter could even just once meet her grandfather or any of her great grandparents. I can't tell you how much it breaks my heart that she'll never have that opportunity and that I'll never see their faces meeting her. I could never put a pricetag on that or assess the level of burden vs benefit.
If you plan to wait several years, your newborn may never meet his great grandmother, and your husband and you won't have the memory of seeing the joy on her face meeting when she meets that precious new little life.
Well, I do think you're being a little bit unreasonable. I get that her health isn't specifically in jeopardy, but she's in her 90s so it really could be any day. If you visit now your kids won't have any memories of great grandma but you will at least have pictures.
On the other hand, I do understand what you're saying about travel, expense, etc. and that should be taken into account. You didn't mention how your husband feels about it. Either way, your husband needs to decide how he's going to feel if she dies and he has no pictures of his kids with her and hasn't seen her one final time. Also, you need to determine whether or not you will travel to her funeral when she does pass, which could be tomorrow or 5 more years, so it's hard, I get it.
As far as travel goes, here is my advice. My kids have a fairly strict routine and when they were the ages of your kids, yes I was a little rigid on bedtimes, etc. and that's okay...but you have options. You can always find a hotel that offers suite rooms. Yes they are more expensive but honestly, it's worth it, especially if you are adamant about a strict bedtime schedule. We have always gotten either a suite so that we can close the door and at least hang out in the bedroom and watch TV or talk or at the very least get a room with a balcony and sit out on the deck talking, playing games and having a cocktail with your husband. We've done both b/c we don't want to be "trapped" in a dark room at 7 o'clock but we aren't willing to compromise our children's sleep schedule either.
Also, I don't know where grandma lives but can't you make a family vacation out of it? Plan on going for a few days or a week and then visit grandma a few times over a few days and fill the other days with tourist activities in the city. With kids that little they will find even the most mundane city attractions fascinating and a hotel pool can keep you entertained for hours!
If it were me, I'd find a way to make it work and visit grandma once more, but you guys have to decide what you will feel okay about given the worst case scenario.
Well, she is in her 90's, in ill health and you don't plan on visiting her for several years. That could easily be seen as never visiting her again, she could die anytime.
You know though, your convenience versus a lonely elderly woman's life and visiting her one last time.... that's your choice. I think at least your husband should go.
** My great-great grandmother lived till her late 90's. We only visited her every few years, and she got to the point where she could only handle a 5 minute visit and she didn't even know who we were at that point. So yes, traveling several states wasn't really worth it for anyone. Since it is also a heavy financial burden, I wouldn't stress too much about going, especially the whole family. But I would send lots of cards and such.
Whatever you decide and whatever happens, make sure your husband does not regret HIS choice whether to make this trip to see his grandmother or not.
I completely understand the hassle and sacrifice it would take for all of you to travel there. Maybe your husband and the 20 month old could go for the visit.
Think of some options. Someday you will be 90 and yor children's spouses , or your grandchildrens spouses, are not going to want to mess with the inconvenience of seeing you either.
This is kinda a, 'double edged sword' thing...granni is in her 90's so waiting a few years is NOT a good idea...on the other hand it IS hard to travel with two small ones...perhaps you could make a little video of the family for her (?) maybe instead of spending the $$$ to go you could purchase a portable player for her to put it on, also a CD picture disc that could go into the same player (?)...Just me, I would go & take the things to my grandmother who I miss everyday now that she has passed, the rest of the family could stay home if things were just too tough for them to go with me. Your DH must make his decision. He may want to take into consideration whether he wants to attend a funeral or visit with granni while she is still alive.
I understand, but in several years, the likelihood of your husband to have his children visit his grandmother is very slim.
Although it probably is a going to be a hassle in taking this trip, if it is important for your husband, then you should be supportive.
When I would take my son to visit somewhere when he was younger, I would always ask permission, but would remove any breakables , and use a gate or fenced area for my child to play in.
You aren't necessarily being unreasonable, you issues are valid. It always is hard when dealing with visits and family. Especially if its long distance, and with small children. You just have to make the best of it.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's not easy traveling with little ones and honestly, I wouldn't do it. I would, however, encourage my husband to make the trip alone and have a nice visit with his grandmother. The only other alternative I can think of is for you and hubby to go and leave the kids with someone if that's possible. If it's not, let him go. I totally get the traveling with small kids thing and I wouldn't put myself in that position either. I'm assuming the person who let the cat out of the bag doesn't have kids????
My son is VERY close to his grandmother and vice versa. Granted, his lives closer. However, even if she didn't, we'd make the trip (even if it meant messing up a child's schedule)
Maybe it's a cultural thing.. but in the Italian culture... grandparents are king and queen... and not considered a burden to visit.. (even if they have dementia) To me, by not nurturing my son's relationship with his grandma, I would feel that I was cheating my son out of something special. Also, kids needs to learn that you stick by family... thru good health, bad health and so on...... relationships take work....
Money is one thing and I don't think anyone should get into debt.. However, most of reasons don't revolve around money, they revolve around how bad and uncomfortable YOU will feel... you have come up with ALL the reason why you can't visit... really, it just sounds like you don't want to be uncomfortable... that said, even if you did go, your disposition may make everyone else feel ill at ease. Sounds like you already made up your mind and aren't going... Keep in mind, the world doesn't adapt to us, we adapt to the world. Grandma has dementia. give her a break......... she can't help it..
I will say that it's not just the kid's grandmother but your husband's as well... In a way, that should be supported.... I just can't get behind people not treating grandparents (unless they are abusive) with the utmost respect... Bottomline, the relationship between grandma and the kids should be about them not about you.... so yeah, I think you are being unreasonable and a bit self-centered..
My vote is for grandma!
Who is the awful person that told her that. I am sorry but I know what its like to travel with babies. NOT FUN! I think its just fine to send hubby. And no your not unreasonable.
No, not really. I can't blame you. If she lived within reasonable driving distance, then I would say suck it up and visit. However, I can totally understand how you wouldn't want to fly across the country with children that small. Traveling is hard with children that small. Anyone that tells you that it isn't just doesn't remember traveling with their own children.
You say that you don't want to go visit her for another few years. I understand your reasoning, but be sure that you are fine with never seeing her again. If she is in her 90s already, then she just might not be around in a few years. I can also understand the stress of going into someone's home that isn't remotely baby-proofed.
Is she the only relative in that area? Do you have another relative that can go over there and do face to face iPhone chats at least? Can someone do Skype with their iPad? I would definitely encourage your husband to make the trip though...
I can understand your feelings about this, and don't feel guilty. However, how does your hubby feel about this? Does he want to go? Even though she has dementia, she will remember your visit....even on the other side. I know how hard it is to travel with kids, as I have two boys of my own and travel by car all the time. Very challenging. But they need that exposure to their grandparents. Your children are way young, so they may not remember the visit, but in respect for your hubby, if he wants to go, go to support him. Go to give her, her last wish if that's what she wants. If your hubby does not want to go alone, go with him. It will be challenging yes, but in the long run, your support will go a long way in terms of your relationship with him. :-D Routines get broken all the time, but they can easily be put back into place with consistancy. Even if you and the kids go for just an hour to visit her, go back to the hotel with them and your hubby can stay longer with his grandmother. That way, you're there with him and he isn't alone. But all in all, you do what is best for you and your kiddos, and talk with your hubby about how you feel. If he really needs you to be there for him, go. If he says it's ok and you all can stay home, then stay home. In the long run, either way, you'll be respecting his wishes and it will strengthen your relationship. :-) Just talk to him about how you feel is all I'm saying. Tell him everything you are concerned with, and listen to what he needs to say as well. Everything will be ok. :-) Best wishes to all of you.
PS: She may not remember too much here on Earth, but once she crosses over....she 'will' remember, and she will know the love you shown her. Just my belief is all. :-)
This is your husband's grandmother, I woud go along with his decision, ultimately. I surely would go and make the best of it if he at all wants to. I would feel terrible if my negative attitude helped fuel his negative attitude, and that stops you from going. I would make a conscious decision to smile and make the best of it. If you can make a cross country trip to visit family once or twice a year, that's very nice, in my opinion. Very generous, in fact. Has she met your newborn yet? I would want to make that happen as soon as possible.
Traveling with such small children is hard! You're so right. I remember those years. We have to travel a lot ot see family. Take the other Mom's advice and get a hotel suite. I remember crouching in a Holiday Inn bathroom eating take out with my DH while we tried to get our 9 month old to nap in the semi darkened room in her pack-n-play. Ugh! That was the last time with traveled without getting a suite with a separate bedroom. And it made all the difference. Plan the trip with some family fun built in for the 4 of you. A trip to the zoo, whatever is fun and easy for your kids. Stay at a place with a splash pool easy for very little ones to enjoy. Schedule a massage for yourself for one hour while hubby stays back at the hotel with the kids during nap time one day. Another day, you stay back, and he can go out and do something just for him.
There are some things you can do if you plan in advance to make visits with grandma less stressful. I still remember taking my little ones to see my grandma in the nursing home. We would always bring some brand new little toys or a puzzle for them to play with on the floor. It held their attention so we could visit. Grandma could watch the kids play. I still remember her amazed at the "polly pocket" things. It gave Great Grandma and the kids something to talk about. Our visits were probably no more than an hour or two each time, shorter visits work best for both younger and older.
You are not being unreasonable. The trip would be very inconvenient for everyone and disruptive to your family. It would suck. But it also sucks that you may well be denying her the opportunity to see her great grandchildren. It all depends on how strongly you and your husband value your extended family. I have certain family members that I know will not see my kids again before they pass away, and I have to be OK with that. I have others where I will absolutely suck up the expense and inconvenience to preserve the family bond.
Ultimately, I don't think you would look back on giving her the opportunity to see your kids and think to yourself that it wasn't worth it. I truly feel for you, but I have to say that taking a visit of some kind may be the right thing to do even if it is not the most enjoyable thing to do.
I do not think that you are being unreasonable, especially if you and your husband are on the same page.
You could make a visit work IF you wanted too. I bet if it were your elderly mom, dad or grandmother then you would likely have more incentive. You are not the first couple to travel with young kids. Even if she doesn't know you are there completely, you know you are there. Build a vacation around this trip since it will cost as much as one. Or stop to visit her passing through. It's like you are waiting or her to die to relieve you of the misery of having to visit her. Your husband can always go without you. At least you are honest about it.
I can see both sides on this one. If you don't go soon you may miss seeing her completely (who knows if she will still be around in 3-5 years or so). And I would encourage you to have you husband go himself. But traveling with babies or toddlers can be tough. I'd probably take a pass this year with a toddler and a newborn but try again soon (a toddler and a preschooler is better than a toddler and a baby in some ways).
My Suggestion would be to have your husband and oldest child visit her. That way the cost would not be such a burden. I have been in a simular situation many times. It sucks to have to be inconvienced and miserable...but bottom line...we always went cause we loved my mother in law and wanted her to be happy. Can you imagine how lonely it must be to be elderly and have your families life go on without you? I now look back and cherish the time my children and family were able to spend with her, even though it was very difficult for us most of the time. She passed away unexpectedly last year.The elderly in our family once took care of us as children/young adults...my personal opinion is that we should do the same for them as they age.
