How to Help My MIL

I had one grandma with Alzheimers and the other with Dementia. I understand why your hubby/SIL don't want to deal with it...it is terrible to have someone close to you have either of these. Neither of my grandmas got mean or yelled at anyone, but visiting my grandma in the Alzheimers Home she was in...it seems like that does happen to some. And, I'm sorry, but if your MIL is getting this confused, she should not be driving! That really needs to stop. And if you aren't comfortable with leaving your kids with her, then you shouldn't. Trust your gut.

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Erratic and combative personality changes are common with Alzheimers. So is paranoia (has she had any of this??)

No, I wouldn't leave your children unattended with her. But frankly, I would be most worried about her driving. I would take her car and just tell her you needed to take it for service...then keep making up reasons why the car has come back from the shop.

You really need to sit down with your husband. Once he comes to his senses, you should call and speak with her doctor. Call him without her knowledge and express your concern; outline her behavior and request that she be evaluated. They can conduct mental aptitude tests and hopefully refer her to a specialist, if needed.

My MIL was diagnosed 2 years ago and has recently been moved to a care facility because she progressed so rapidly.

Your family will be in my prayers.

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she is most definetly showing signs of demetia( alzheimers is a spin off from the the demetia). And if you know in your heart that something is not right with her then you are right in not wanting to leave your children with her. And noone should tell you otherwise. I know it;s hard to see her like this and also your have your husband and SIL wear blinders to the situation. If at all possible go with her to her next doctors appt. and let the doctor know your concerns. and also follow through with talking to your other SIL. You don't want her to become a danger to herself and others if you suspect something is wrong. I wish you luck and prayers.

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Please speak to your husband again.
She really should be seen by a doctor and properly evaluated. There are many things that come to ming when hearing about her symptoms (changes in personality, memory problems, not making much sense in conversations...)

They could be related to normal aging, or they could be signs of dementia, Alzheimers or depression.
If you MIL turns out to be experiencing one of the above, there are medications and occupational therapy that can help remediate symptoms and slow the progress. There is no cure, but there are things that can be done to improve quality of life.

I would also not leave you young children alone with her. Not because I think she would be harming them, but I believe she may not be able to prevent them from having accidents or she may be unable to react properly if they do get hurt.

It is very hard to see your parent aging. My mother is still quite young, but very ill and it breaks my heart. But your husband and his siblings have to face the truth and make the best of it. She is 74. She will eventually die. We all will. They will be better off by making the most out of the years she has left.
Good luck!

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No, don't leave your kids with her.

As you said, she is experiencing mental changes and instability.
She is not formally diagnosed... but, keep aware and know that she may very well be getting age related maladies, and/or mental diminishment

And it is common, that the person and their loved ones, have "denial" about it. No one wants to confront nor admit it. Even that person themselves.
So it is hard.
Or she could be depressed.
Regardless, a Doctor would need to be the one to explain it or diagnose it, or your concerns.
But your Hubby and SIL are in denial, per her personality changes and mental capacity. This happens.

My Dad was ill for awhile and I would take him to the Doctor and ask any questions I had with him there and discuss it. My Dad even thought he could still drive and get his driver's license... although I knew he could not. It was a sense of him losing his self-Identity... which the elderly often feel. The feeling that they can no longer do the most basic things. But as the care-taker.. we have to watch out for their safety. I of course, would NOT let him drive. He could not. But it was sad for him.

Just keep aware of her and any changes in her mental and physical health. Because, your Husband and SIL do not seem to want to admit to any anomalies in her. Which is them being in "denial" about their Mom.
It is not easy, for some, to see their parent age and deteriorate. But since you are cognizant of it... do what you can... but I would not leave my kids with her. At all. Alone unless you are there. Your kids' safety is paramount. And your MIL does not seem able to properly nor safely supervise children.

all the best,
Susan

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Hi D.,
I agree that there may be something wrong with your MIL. The symptoms seem more on the line of Dementia. This is simply my opinion from looking it up on the web site. This is what I found.

*Recent memory loss. All of us forget things for a while and then remember them later. People who have dementia often forget things, but they never remember them. They might ask you the same question over and over, each time forgetting that you've already given them the answer. They won't even remember that they already asked the question.
*Difficulty performing familiar tasks. People who have dementia might cook a meal but forget to serve it. They might even forget that they cooked it.
*Problems with language. People who have dementia may forget simple words or use the wrong words. This makes it hard to understand what they want.
*Time and place disorientation. People who have dementia may get lost on their own street. They may forget how they got to a certain place and how to get back home.
*Poor judgment. Even a person who doesn't have dementia might get distracted. But people who have dementia can forget simple things, like forgetting to put on a coat before going out in cold weather.
*Problems with abstract thinking. Anybody might have trouble balancing a checkbook, but people who have dementia may forget what the numbers are and what has to be done with them.
*Misplacing things. People who have dementia may put things in the wrong places. They might put an iron in the freezer or a wristwatch in the sugar bowl. Then they can't find these things later.
*Changes in mood. Everyone is moody at times, but people who have dementia may have fast mood swings, going from calm to tears to anger in a few minutes.
*Personality changes. People who have dementia may have drastic changes in personality. They might become irritable, suspicious or fearful.
*Loss of initiative. People who have dementia may become passive. They might not want to go places or see other people.

I have friends who's elderly parents suffered from these diseases. At times it can be very, very scary. Especially when you don't know what's wrong with the person.

You are right for not wanting to leave your children with her. She may not do anything intentionally to harm them but it could happen. Also, her driving may eventually become a problem as well.

If you can, volunteer to take your MIL to her next doctor's appointment. While she is in the room, you can have a private talk with the doctor and share your concerns. She may not have any of the two but it's best to get her checked out now than to wait.

Be blessed!

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D....you are in one of the hardest positions right now, you are not a biological child so how could you know what is wrong with there mother, right? But you have the advance of seeing what they refuse because you are not blood...I deal with this kind of situation everyday...I am a CMA (certified medication aide) doesn't sound like much but I work an an "Assited Living Facitily" and I also end up doing the same work as not only a cma would do but a lot of times a cna as well...I have several dementia patients there...but everyone of them has different ways to show it...if you were really concerned about your MIL, talk to your husband and his sister about maybe moving her into that type of facitily..its not much different than senior apts..but there would be someone there 24/7 just incase and you would be able to leave your children there and know they are safe...the residents are free to come and go as they please, there is medical staff on hand they don't have to cook/clean/laundry or even remember there meds and if something is wrong the staff is trained to see it and quickly....and its all the comforts of home plus she will have the chance to make friends outside of family...the facilities also keep them busy...with activites and walks most facitilies have a bus that can take them just about anywhere in town you just have to let them know (doctors apt, friends, family, to the store, or even out to eat...I hope this helps you some how, if you have any questions feel free to email..good luck!!

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My mom has dementia and lives in an assisted living facility where she received 24/7 supervision--best decision I ever made for her. She has offered to watch my kids numerous times, but NEVER would I let her. People who have any type of memory loss are highly unpredictable in their actions. It's great that you have picked up on the signs of your MIL changes in personality. It sounds like your hubby and SIL are in denial, which is very common. No one wants to accept that their parent has this disease. I suggest that you sit down and write down the changes that you have noticed in her and show them to your hubby and SIL. Sometimes seeing it on paper makes a difference. Also, to get a diagnosis of Alzheimer's or other types of dementia, your best doctors to diagnose those ailments are geriatric doctors or neurologists. I suggest that you have her evaluated to determine exactly what is going on. There are many medications available to help with memory disorders. The sooner she gets help, the better it will be for everyone involved. The doctor may also be able to help write a letter to the Department of Motor Vehicles to take away her license.

M

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I am sorry for what you and your family are going through.

100% DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KIDS WITH HER.

Have your husband spend more time with her.
Maybe he will see it.
Keep talking to him about it.

I wish you the best.

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Bless you. I am close to my MIL, too (though we have faults), and I dread the day I have to face these issues.

I think you should persist. It is SO hard to watch the person who raised you decline and come to grips with the absolute worst that life has in store for her, but she needs intervention. I think you need to sit hubby and sis down, be compassionate (which I'm sure you are) but forceful that she needs to be evaluated. If you're wrong, well, that's great news! But if you are right action needs to be taken so that the progression can be slowed.

Also, it is possible that she is having brain bleeds or small strokes which are affecting certain parts of her brain (probably the right brain) and making her more ornery. IF that is the case then intervention will most surely save her life and needs to be done before she has a full blown stroke, which could have devestating consequences.

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Maybe next time you plan to take her to a dr appt-you could call ahead and have the nurse put a note in her record of your concerns so the dr can address it with her.

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From what you have described, I agree with you. My Dad is on his way to the same thing only he is 84. I saw it happen to his mom yars ago. You have every reason to be concerned and I wouldn't leave my little ones with her. Volunteer to go with her to the doctor next trip. You might somehow let the doctor know you need to speak to him/her in private...like MIL is in the room and you must go to the ladies room, to sneak out to talk to doc. It is heart wrenching to see our parents get to this stage of life, but there are medications for things like this, although in our case my mother is like your husband...QUEEN OF DENIAL! Your MIL is lucky to have you looking out for her.

She needs to be evaluated by her physician. There are medications that can slow down the progression of this if given at this early stage. You may or may not see improvement. Another possibility is that some meds she's on are causing these problems but that's also the doctor's territory. I think you need to call a family conference and see who will take her in. Your husband could talk to the doc ahead of time but it sounds like he's in denial, so it may have to be you. Please push this - it's important - because you are correct and it will get worse and then the meds may not help at all. Meantime, I wouldn't leave kids with her. She may do something soon that will bring this to a head but it may be something worse, and you don't want to take that chance.

First of all your family is lucky to have someone as observant and caring as you. Of course it is hard for them to acknowledge there may be a problem, mom is supposed to be invincable. Kudos to you for being understanding and compassionate of that. I have had several family members suffer from both Alzheimers and Dementia and while I am certainly no doctor I am with you that her slightly atypical and confused behavior is reason for concern considering her age. Even if it is not something as severe as Alzheimers she could be suffering from other mental health factors for her age such as depression or inhibited cognition. You need to sit down maybe just with your husband and compassionately persuade him that his mom is at an age where certain issues need to be monitered and that while it may be nothing EARLY detection of any mental health, particularly Alzheimers, is crucial to treatment and quality of life. She needs to visit a geriatric psychologist and/or neurologist and be evaluated either way. If it's nothing it's nothing but it's not fair to your MIL to not receive treatment and improve her quality of life while a potential problem is still in the manageable stages. I do know that with Alzheimers studies have shown that in the early stages progression of the disease van be slowed with keeping the mind actively engaged in positive activities such as clubs, group outings, gardening, puzzles, sewing, etc. In the meantime while you are trying to get everyone on board see if you can get her I to a seniors group or activity she may like or invite her to go with you and the children and your hubby to the park or zoo or to your house to play board games/ plant flowers/some activity you can all enjoy at least once or twice a week. The extra time with his mom may help your husband see some of the behavior as well. I know first hand that seniors with questionable or diagnosed mental health issues can test your patience and tolerance, it really says a lot about you that you are willing to face the situation and want to do everything you can to help :)