So for those of you with really close families who vacation together as an extended family, and get together often. Do you take great efforts to preserve some family vacation with just your immediate family? Is this met with resistance from either you or your spouse?
I'm the one who feels its okay to love to spend time with extended family and vacation with them, but to also carefully guard and set up boundaries regarding get-away time with just immediate family.
My husband is the one who is compelled not to just have a few beans, but the whole burrito. For various reasons he feels obligated to extend invitation to grandparents, and if you invite them, you have to invite auntie, and well if you invite one sibling, then you invite the rest and the cousins to boot.
I've put my foot down and of course its caused us tension and ended in him leaving for work angry at me for keeping my boundaries.
Is this a common theme in anyone else close knit family?
his family is semi local (1 hr away). Mine is in another state. We vacation 85% or more of our time with extended family between his and mine. I'd like to see us spend at least two weekends a year without even the thought of inviting others. Not sure why he has to run a three-ring -circus all the time and why this should turn into a fight every time. I'm hurt that he does not feel the need to preserve our family vacation time as I do and why he'd rather say no to me than them. Time at home is not the same as time on vacation. My husband is the busiest busy body I've ever met, so I crave that out- of- our- routine time together.
--we had a few emails and text today because his work day was so hectic we couldn't work it out over the phone. What it boils down to is him not wanting anyone to be mad at him. But i kind of knew that so what I did was got mad at him. That it hurst me he does not crave time away with us the way we do with him. He realizes that family vacation days are in fact really important and he does crave them, just scared everyone would be mad it him. So I told him that IF someone was going to mad at him, it would be me. He said he gets it. He's over the idea of inviting others along.
Its a long story but the vacation was going to be our first family camping trip. However, I got pneumonia and just could not pull it off. All of our camping stuff was pre kids and now I don't even know if we can fit our family of 5 in our 4 man tent. It all needed to be drug out, gone through, purchase new camping gear, fishing licenses, food, equipment. I've just been too sick. And being out of options to keep a special trip, we asked to borrow my nieces in-laws cabin. We have been invited there many times and its a huge cabin and we have only ever gone as a huge family gathering. They graciously said they would let us use it and I think my husband thought everyone would expect an invite. But why? This was a family vacation to start with and we are just trying to salvage it though the pneumonia ruled out me being ready for tent camping.
He gets it. He knows he needs to get over this feeling that people will be mad at him if he does not invite them and that time together with just wife and kids is needed and reasonable.
i'm with you.
fortunately, so is my husband.
we vacation with extended family from time to time, but even then we carve out 'just us' time. fortunately no one seems to object.
we probably wouldn't care if they did.
:) khairete
S.
I think your wishes sound very reasonable - generous even!
Is this a cultural issue with your husband maybe?
I think you need to plan a couple of weekends a year and not tell him until the last minute! Or say you are going by yourself just to have some down time!
This is not about family so much as it is about his need to control things or feel like he's not offending anyone. The fact that he's ignoring you is of greater concern to me than anything! Find out what happened to him while growing up or what his vacations were like, who got offended, what drama happened, etc. so you can plan a better approach! If that doesn't work, go back to the idea of a weekend for just you and the kids!
Just reading your SWH where you said, "Not sure why he has to run a three-ring -circus all the time," I had to laugh a little because of the many ways in which my husband's family and my family are so different. I think that's really what it boils down to.
There really isn't a right or wrong answer, there's just what works for the both of you. I feel like my family is much more flexible and understanding of the fact that there are many right ways. I feel like his family has the attitude that there are two ways to do everything in this world ... their way and the wrong way. Don't get me wrong, his family is wonderful, and over time they've come to appreciate some of the things I do that are different from them. But their initial reaction tends to be, "Why would you do something so stupid?"
This isn't about his way or your way or being right or wrong. It's about something that you want. Having a weekend or two of "immediate family" time is important to you, and that's really what you're talking about. Approach it in that way, and you might find him more app to relay hear you.
some from column A, some from column B.
My family is closely knit. We used to eat 2+ meals together with aunts, uncles, cousins etc a week, in addition to birthdays, holidays, etc. Also, we'd vacation with at least some of these people. Our vacations were very free form with everyone at the same lake in nearby lake houses.
My husband thinks this is too much togetherness. He'd prefer some us time/ alone time. So we do some nuclear family only vacations, for long weekends or travel abroad.
It works for us.
Best,
F. B.
If we vacation with family (and we have in new york, kentucky and florida multiple times) we always figure out a few days that we tack on either the beginning or the end. so if we have a week vacation we tell family ok we will be there from mon - thursday and then on friday, sat and sunday on our way home from the vacation we do x,y and z without the whole big extended family. usually we figure out immediate family (hubby, me and our kids) do our own family stuff on the way there and the way home. so if we want to visit say a big attraction without trying to manuvere it with 15 people we will do it the day after we leave the family group. no reason to do everything you do as a family.
however having said that no we don't take off and do stuff just our family on day 2 of a big family vacation. its just rude to take my 2 kids to say disney world when the other grandchildren can't go.
I'm editing my answer. Your so what happened was different than your question up to. You should absolutely have family vacations/time with just you, hubby and kids without the circus of complete families. I thought you meant during the big family vacation. If they only live an hour away why not spend time during the rest of the year and keep your family vacations or at least part of them separate. Your kids will remember them forever as they were just your family. Hubby needs to bend on this.
Every family is different, but in my family, vacations with extended family are planned occasionally, with immediate family vacations being the norm, not the other way around. I think it's wonderful to have a close knit extended family, but it's also important to me and my husband to create memories with just our little family as well. In our case there is the addition of minor personality clashes which can take away from what should be a relaxing and enjoyable time.
Mini-weekends for you all.
And unless his family is completely obnoxious, taking 2 weekends a year just for the 5 of you to have time together is irrational and he needs to dig into why he feels that way. Have they every given him a hard time for stuff like this? Most people EXPECT married couples/families to spend time alone together.
Also - you don't have to do some "super special" thing - just do something you'd enjoy together that the rest of the family might consider old hat or boring.
We kind of alternate years with immediate family and extended family.
Would that work for you?
I don't know if this is a big family thing or what but I don't know anyone in my immediate circle who purposely go on vacation with extended family. And everything I read on here with people who do it ends up being a problem and not fun, especially for the moms. My family is small but I don't think I've ever considered going on a vacation with my mom or cousins. We do make a huge effort to get together for everyone's birthday and holidays though. Good luck.
H., I haven't read the other responses yet, but I read your SWH about the camping equipment. So here's what I'd like to know. When you're doing all this extended vacationing with all these people, WHO is doing all the work? Are you having to carry the ball in terms of cleaning up, cooking, washing dishes, clothes, ferrying people, etc and more etc? What is your husband doing?
Was it supposed to be you cleaning out all this camping equipment? It sure sounds like it. Why is it YOUR job to do that?
Quite frankly, I'd put my foot down for a good 3-6 months of ANY extended family forays. I'd tell him that he needs to learn how to enjoy his own nuclear family. It seems to me that this is more than just him not wanting to hurt feelings. He would rather have them to talk to then just you and your kids. Your feelings are valid in being hurt because you are the one who is getting all the short shrift here in both attention from your husband, and if I'm right about what you're saying here, HELP managing it all. HOW can it be a vacation if you're taking care of all these people, and he's just having fun with his family?
If it's not as bad as all that and everyone pitches in, that's good. But how much HE pitches in since he doesn't seem to be willing to have a vacay with just you IS an issue.
You need to stand firm and not let him push you around in this.
My MIL and SIL live in the same town we do. My BIL and his family are an hour away. My parents live in another state (1000 miles away). My brother and his family live in Haiti.
Generally we take a week long vacation 3-4 times a year. One trip every summer is with my MIL and usually my SIL. One week in summer we go to see my parents, usually when my brother and his family are there. The week of spring break we usually take a trip that is just the four of us. But this year we are going to my parents'. If my husband's work schedule allows we will go to my parents' house at Christmas. Throughout the year we will also do some short weekend get aways that are just the four of us.
We only see my brother once a year. My parents usually come once a year so my dad can have his yearly surgical follow up at Mayo Clinic. When his health allows they come another time. We never travel with my BIL and his family. We only go to their house 3-4 times a year. They only come to our house 1-2 times a year. My BIL has never traveled with my MIL and SIL (a definite sore spot with me). We see my MIL and SIL several times a week.
I wish we didn't travel with my MIL and SIL every year. It is very stressful for me and since we see them all the time..... But that is probably me being very selfish.
I think time with just us is important, as is time for yourself as necessary. What we have done is things like having the family come up for part of the trip if we are in the same house, or having everyone have their own place to stay and coming together for outings or meals only.
If the issue is that he invites EVERYONE, then I would suggest a compromise like Grandma comes up mid-week only. My sister and her DH may join us this summer, but only for part of the week. I would also impress upon him the value of getting to spend time with just subsets of the family. I love time with my grandmother without all the cousins. It's too noisy and ends up being my grandmother just nodding in the corner because she can't hear a thing anyone is saying.
Most of the time, it is not everyone. We've taken just my mom. We've invited this year just my sister's family. Other years we've invited just my SIL's family. Everyone at once is just overwhelming and then it's no longer a vacation. Most years it is just us and no other family.
