Extended Family Involvement

L.,

My mom lives with us, has for 13 years. My kids see there extended family all the time. We go to and have family cookouts and get together s all the time. My kids love seeing family. My mom thinks the world of my husband, she takes his side in everything!!! hahha. We love having my mom here. I have had our Aunts and Uncles, cousins over all the time.
I would keep doing what you are doing. Its healthy and we need our families. If it makes you feel good to see your family, dont stop. Its a good thing.
Now your husband may have bad memories with his family. you grew up in different households remember. He may feel nothing good can come out of this because it didn't with him. Its up to you to keep doing what you are doing, teach him its a wonderful thing to have your family. I hope he is not trying to isolate you, do not let him. I would also tell him when you leave home,your leaving childhood, your not leaving your family. We now have a home where our families can visit. And I would not force anyone on him. Let him see it can be a good experience to have loving family around. Even if its yours. He may not want his around for good reason.
Good luck!!
D.

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Hi L.,
Spending time with relatives can be a little crazy sometimes but for me spending time with relatives (especially grandparents) is a gift. I live half a country away from my parents and everytime we visit I make sure that my children get to spend as much time as they can with them (and their uncles, aunts and cousins). My husband's parents, on the other hand, stay with us and althought it isn't always ideal, they are awesome helpers. I live on both extremes. But even though I live like this I can tell you that extended family involvement can only help your children. It makes their world a whole lot bigger (than with just mom and dad), in a good way.
I hope this helps you.
take care!
A.

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We see our family often but not as often as I would like. There are some I would prefer to see only once in awhile though. DH has no problem w/ it and if he did I really wouldn't care I will have over who ever I want whenever I want its my home too.

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My impression is that men have a harder time keeping in touch with people and responding to phone calls in general -- I am a big part of the reason we keep in touch with my mother-in-law so much (I talk to her more than my husband does), and I wish we saw his siblings more but am realizing that I need to make the effort if I want the cousins to get to know one another. This is not because my husband doesn't love his family or want to see them. It's just that he doesn't seem to make it a priority. I do think it's strange for a husband to actually want to prevent family involvement, but as another responder said, there could be reasons for that. In any case, to answer your question, my mother lives 5 min away and is over every day. We love having her here because not only is she nice to be around, but she helps with the kids, the dishes, the cleaning, and the laundry! My husband's mother lives about an hour from us, but we see her every 2-3 weeks (she comes to us, usually), and our kids (3 1/2 and 1 1/2) talk to her on the phone frequently. My father lives much farther away, but we try to talk about him frequently, and we are going to visit him next week. My husband also has an aunt who lives near by, and she will stop by to visit or help watch the kids on occasion. We like our families and want our kids to have a close relationship with them. If you want to visit with your family, then you certainly should, and as you say it is your home too. If you want certain people to visit, then you should be permitted to visit with them. Maybe you can get your husband to tell you what specifically he doesn't like about these visits. If there is a concrete reason, perhaps you can address it.

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Ahh, I finally have time to respond. Sorry I'm a little late in the game.

Have you and your husband had a chance to discuss why he wants less contact with your family and why so little contact with his own? It can be very simple or very complex. It's anybody's guess unless you talk frankly about it.

How much of your contact is because you simply enjoy the family contact? How much have you and your husband talked about what your dreams of a family together would look like? And how does living near your family change those dreams--for better or worse? Is he concerned with any influences your family might have on your child--TV, sweets, etc.? Does he feel the gifts lavished upon him have strings attached or are inappropriate or unnecessary?

My MIL gives gifts to us or to our son while she can barely afford things for herself. It drives me nuts. I wish she would give just one thing, show restraint and teach him that one simple gift can be wonderful--as wonderful or more so than lavish, or multiple, gifts at times. But everyone perceives gifts differently.

As for visiting relatives, my family always lived a day or more away so visits were reserved for a week or two in the summer. Otherwise, we had all major holidays with just my immediate family--six kids and my parents. I loved it. We created our own traditions and weren't obligated to travel to this family and that family every holiday. My mom had grown up close to many of her cousins but our family didn't. We didn't know anything else so it didn't seem odd. We still get along fine with everyone but we just don't keep regular contact--no particular animosity, just periodic contact. (I talk with my mom maybe once every month or two. Sometimes I don't talk with some of my siblings for a year or so, but it's not because of any bad feelings. We just contact when the desire arises.) We all send periodic group emails to catch people up on our lives.

Then I got married. Big change. Little did I know how consuming living close to my spouse's family could be. I'm fine with it now after 17 years, and after we moved an hour further away, but those early years were hard for me to adjust to.

Why? I was raised that you grow up, go to college, and get on with your life. I still love my family, and we have great conversations when we connect, but I always assumed I would live my own life as an adult. We would see each other periodically (1x every year or 2 or 3), and we would keep contact via phone and/or email. My husband had lived all over the U.S., as well as Jordan and Somalia for a year each, doing geological survey work. When we decided to get married and live in New England, to be nearer his family, it never dawned on me all of the family obligations it would entail.

I love my husband's family. However, I would have never said, "Gee I want to spend all my free time with them." The first handful of summers, our weekends were consumed with family birthday parties, often several weekends each month. In fact, we never got to celebrate our anniversary, until our 5th anniversary when I put my foot down, because it was the day after my BIL's and SIL's birthdays. (They were born on the same day, two years apart.) God forbid, anyone would break the mold and not attend a family event. That just wasn't done. As for holidays, my husband was in his 40s before he ever missed Christmas at home, even when he lived all over the place.

In my own family, I grew up loving birthday parties. It was a simple event where the birthday girl or boy got to choose their favorite meal and determine who to invite. But as we got beyond our teens, a simple round of phone calls and well wishes would suffice. I looked forward to receiving or sending those calls and thought that was enough. Holidays were the same for my family--a call and an opportunity to reconnect were a delight.

Then I married into a family that was still having a birthday party for every blasted person in existence, with gifts and all--whether they were a child, or in their 70s or 80s. Do I sound angry? I'm not now, but I certainly was back then. I thought the first few years of a marriage were a time to get to know each other and to build your own traditions, but we kept getting pulled off to someone else's traditions.

But you know what? Little did I know that our occasional absences gave other family members the freedom to come or not come as the years proceeded. And they learned to bunch several into one big birthday event to consolidate them. Now, I enjoy birthdays again. We finally found a balance between our own family life and the larger family life of my husband's relatives. Now I enjoy the contact rather than resenting it.

It's an interesting thing to develop your own family traditions while blending them with extended family traditions. It may be as simple as a conflict of traditions and dreams with your husband. Or it may be much more complex than that, involving some deep-seeded feelings and hurts from his past.

My husband was the first person in his family to get a college degree and to move away from his home town. He has more relatives than I can count within a one hour radius of where he grew up. On the flip side, my family has a long line of people who went off to college and forged their own lives in different cities around the world.

One way is not better than the other. They're just different. There are good things about both traditions. The trick is to create a blend of traditions that works well for your family--immediate and extended.

By all means, don't cut off contact with your family. If your husband truly wants to prevent extended family involvement, that would be a huge red flag for me. But if it is more a matter of him feeling left out or wanting to develop your own traditions with you and your own children, that is something you two need to consider together with both sides being heard.

I can't tell you the number of arguments we had after some of the visits to my husband's family. So much of it was an argument of expectations being bruised. I thought we would do hikes and spend time together as a couple during our first few summers. I thought we would develop more of our own traditions. I didn't expect to be celebrating 50 to 60-year-old siblings birthdays forever. The first few years were just a life I didn't expect.

To add to the mix, my husband's family is full of unfettered opinions--they don't hesitate to let their feelings known. Over the years, I have learned to express myself more, and they have learned to respect that there is more than one way of doing things. It hasn't been a lifetime of struggle--not by any means. But I spent several years biting my tongue for the sake of tradition and/or their opinions. For me, it wasn't healthy for my relationship with my husband, or for the extended family, for that matter.

We are now at a better balance, one we can all live with better. It requires a little compromise on all sides--yours, your husband's, your family's, etc. Sure, we have lost some of the contact because of cutting down the number of visits, but we have also gained some things by doing this. It's a delicate balance that requires candid communication between spouses.

I chuckle about the fact that my husband's family comes out to our house once each year for our son's birthday. We have invited them other times, but tradition is a hard one to break with some of them. According to some of them, we live "way up there in New Hampshire" even though we are actually just 1-1/2 hours due west of them.

With my MIL at 84, this is the first year she let us do Thanksgiving at our house. It was a small group because some family members couldn't get past the idea of not having it in their own hometown, but my MIL was ready to give up the location and we had a delightful meal here. (My husband and I have been the ones cooking that meal at her house for several years now.) She was finally ready to say it's time for the families to have their own traditions, if they don't want to travel to our house. No animosity, just a fact of her getting tired.

So, to make a short story long, it may or may not be normal to want to prevent family involvement. Have a good long talk with your husband. It may entail an argument; it may not. But communicate nonetheless.

At our wedding, someone passed on a pearl of wisdom--don't let the sun set on your anger (it's actually biblical if I remember correctly). If the anger builds up too much, it can fester. The first few years, I let this happen too often on this subject. But if all sides care enough to say what they really feel, and they feel heard and are all willing to give a little, I'm sure you will come to a better understanding about all of this.

It will take more than one conversation, I can bet. It's a process--a process of love and compromise, but it's worth the effort.

Enjoy your family--extended and immediate. And listen and talk with your spouse!

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That is a TOUGH position to be in. I wish my family were nearby, the more family who is involved with your child the more they get to learn what extended family is all about. It can be a double edged sword, we all know how crazy family CAN be.

It seems as if your husband had a different experience, and does not value or welcome the extended family. I'm sure he's out of his comfort zone and cannot relate. Many people have had issues or resentments over family involvement, so it's probably not uncommon.

I would have a heart to heart with him, you should not be made to feel anger or resentment (or having to choose) between your husband and your relatives. Ask him for his thoughts on what he WOULD be comfortable with - people visiting once a week, every two weeks, once a month. Try and compromise. If that doesn't work, perhaps counseling is a good idea. You have another baby on the way, it will only get harder without love and assistance from your family who want to help but you feel you need to push them away or make excuses for your husband. Family will see right through that charade.

good luck.

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Hi L.,

I too am very involved in/with my family. For the most part anyway, I am much more close with my husbands mom than I am my own however that wasn't an all of a sudden type of happening, my mother and I just haven't always had a great relationship. I don't understand nor see why your husband is making an issue out of you having your family over especially when you say he doesn't have to entertain them at all... I am sorry that you have to go through that because you should not. Life is way too short and we need to keep our loved ones in our lives one way or another...when we leave home, we don't leave the people who love us or we love. I would certainly stand your ground on your feelings and make him aware of your feelings as well. Maybe there is something he is hiding from his past and that is why he doesn't want to be around his own family but that shouldn't keep you away from yours.

Best of luck!

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Your husband has been hurt by his past relationships, and he is carrying that every day. But it is spilling over and coloring his relationships with others. He needs to be civil and grateful to your mother, and you have every right to have relatives over. Do not apologize for him to your mother - let them work out their own relationship. He doesn't need to contact HIS family, but he has no right to stop you from contacting yours. He's been hurt and he's worried about new relationships that may go sour as his old ones did. Just keep doing the right thing for your child - you don't want him to grow up as miserable and sad as his dad - and you can tell your husband that! Good luck!

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First, congrats on the 2nd baby.
Second, I do think it is a little weird for him to feel that way. Especially if he isn't even home. My parents, aunts, uncles, cousins all play a big part in our lives. His family not as much but they are a bit more controlling and because of that we've had to put some seperation between us. But DH does have to deal with his father daily through work which probably helps the situation on our part.
I do believe family and friends play abig role in raising our children. They can be a big help for you to still have "date nights" and other things. A free babysitter is definitely much better!
I really don't ahve advise on how to solve or try to solve the sitatuation other than prayer. And maybe treading lightly when discussing it.
Hope all works out.

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Hi there!
Sounds like a little jealousy issue on your husbands part-he may not want to share you and your children with anyone-and to me that is not healthy for anyone. Have you spoken to him about this issue? Unfortunately sometimes even as adults we have problems sharing. If you feel strong about this you need to stand up to him, family is part of growing up and your kids will thrive even more. Your husband just may need to be told that he is the most important to you and your children but it's also important to you to involve others. Men.......

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Hello L.,
you have received great advise here. But I'll give you my two cents: I love having family & friends around, my kids (10 & 2) love it too. they look forward to going to grandparents houses & having them visit too. My mother has a special knock that her & my son share, he knows when Grandma is home! Love it, Love it!
there are times when my husband has complained that family is "always" over. I told him too bad he feels that way, but I would not keep kids nor grandparents/aunts/uncles away EVER!
he just said Ok! now he likes when we can have a little time away when they come. :) Good Luck!! you can never make up lost time! that's how specials relationships are built.

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you are in a tough spot. Obviously he has issues with his own family, but he really shouldn't impose his issues on you and expect you to give up your realtionship with your family. which is essentially what he's asking of you "when you leave home, you leave home" that can be fine for him and he may have no desire to be arround his family, that's his perogative, you however obviously desire a relationship with your mother (not strange, especially once you've become a mother yourself!!) and aunts - and hopefully you alos have other extended family in your life. It doesn't appear from your posting as if their visits take away from "his" family time with you, so it really doesn't make sense that he would want to deprive you and your child time with your family. Extended family is such a precious gift. It is wonderful to be able to share your mother and aunt with your son! a big part of the reason that i moved home from the west coast was so that my dd was able to be around my family! I have a great relationship with many of my cousins and aunts and uncles as well as my sibs and my mum - and my dd (and luckily for me, my dh as well) also spends time with our extended family. whole we like our "family" time and certainly take time for our small family unit to have our special times together, we also enjoy spontaneous or planned get togethers with 20 or 30 of our closets relatives! or 1 or 2 of them.

I really hope your husband works out his issues or at least realizes that it is important for children to be around family - if nothing else, they can be great babysitters in a pinch or even when you want a date night!

I have to also add, that I hope it is just a passing phase and not something that he is trying to use to isolate and control you. that is not healthy at all and you should be aware of it, at least in the back of your mind if he does seem to be trying to isolate you away from your family and friends.

good luck

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L.-

I hate to say it but this is definitely NOT normal. Extended family is very important for your children. I am lucky, I have both sets of grandparents within 30 minutes of us and they see the kids at least once a week usually. my mother and my mother-in-law both help out with watching the kids when i have appointments to go to, etc. My kids LOVE going to visit them. My husband's family and extended family are always getting together, while the only family on my side that are in the area are my parents and my brother. And I am very thankful that we have as much family as we do in the area for my kids to get to know and to love. You need to have a serious talk with your husband about how important it is for your children to be around your family, and his for that matter. Maybe you need to take it upon yourself to call his mother back when she calls and set up a date for your kids to see her (if they live close enough). Hope this helps!

A.

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It does vary from family to family, but I think everyone would agree the ideal situation would be more family involvement, not less! My son and I go to my in-laws every Saturday morning, spend the day with them, and then my husband comes home from work to their house and we all stay overnight. We then have special Sunday breakfast with them. Usually we will then go over to my mums and spend part of Sunday, and then go to evening Mass with my in-laws. So my son sees both grandparents almost every week! Its wonderful.

As far as your husbands reaction, he is jealous. He doesn't have a good relationship with his family, and he resents the fact that you do have one with yours. I would go as far as to suggest that he needs counseling in hopes of resolving his issues surrounding the concept of family.

In the meantime, please continue spending time with your family. It is so beneficial for children to be raised with a lot of loving people, especially family members, around. Im sure you've heard the old adage that it takes a village to raise a child.

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Hi L.,
I was very close to my family growing up, and still am. My husband and I both wanted the same for our kids. On Wednesdays and Sundays my in-laws have family dinner. All their kids and spouses and grandkids come over for dinner. These family dinner days have been going on for decades before I knew my husband and we joined as we become part of the family. My mother does the same thing on Tuesdays. We all live very close to each other, so it works out for us since we get to be home at a decent time to get the kids to bed. I wouldn’t impose on my parents or in-laws, this is something they wanted to do, it is their way to be part of our busy lives. They also come over our house occasionally.
It sounds like your husband and you have some issues that need to be addressed. Good luck and find counseling or someone that both of you trust to talk to.
M.

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I have a very large extended family and also a husband that is very detached from his family and is introverted as well. I hope what I say here doesn't come across as harsh or rude - I am truly trying to be helpful.

First, I wouldn't push him to maintain contact with his family if he doesn't want to. If he is an otherwise kind and decent person, then there is a reason he is not maintaining close ties. I tried to push my husband closer to his mother and finally found out a lot of sad details regarding his childhood and how his parents treated him. There has also greatly affected how he interacts with others. Your husband may not feel comfortable having a close relationship with your mom. Maybe respectful, but distant is the best he can do. Also, are your relatives still there when your husband comes home from work? He might feel like he can't relax and just "be" if there there several times a week. I agree that you have to right to invite who you'd like into your home, but since it's his house too, I think this is something you both need to discuss.

In my case, I set limits with my family once we married. No more dropping by unannounced, no more hanging out all day, etc. We usually have a plan - for example, I'll invite them for brunch or to watch a movie - something that has a time limit sort of built into it. My DD and I get to see our relatives, but our family time is not interupted. I'm OK with attending most extended family events on my own and my husband only attends when it is "important." So he'll go to weddings, funerals, etc, but we're OK with him skipping Wednesday night dinners at my parents and Saturday brunch at my Aunts. I also try to get together with others at their homes too or other locations - it doesn't always have to be our house.

That being said - my husband likes most of my family and treats them well. He's just not a people person and feels really uncomfortable with tons of people around all the time. If your husband doesn't want you having people over at all or gives you a hard time about attending family events (or anything really) without him, but doesn't want to go or is disrespectful to you or your family. That would be a red flag for me.

I'm sorry this is so long, but my husband and I had these issues early in our marriage and I thought maybe I could be helpful. Good luck!

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NO - NOT normal. You have some great suggestions already - and I would lean towards those postings. Now here is one red flag I saw - is it just your family or friends too? Do not let yourself be isolated. Or - another red flag - does he have a reason that he has not shared? Could he have apprehensions that he's kept to himself. I doubt either red flag are at play - but you never know until you talk about it with no judgment or blaming.

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It sounds like its his issues, not personal to you, your mom, etc. i think extended family is a gift when possible. I know when my mom comes to visit I try to make plans during the day for herself and me and the kids so his patience doesn't wear thin wtih her- I wish he would do the same for me! So as long as you are communicating about his time and how that might be interrupted with visiting relatives- then you should feel confident that as many and as much relatives and close friends around for your kids is a blessing. Perhaps he just needs nuclear family time and if so, he should mind his manners with your family, but perhaps you could do the bulk of visiting on your own with the kid(s) and only include him occasionally.... good luck!

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It's too bad your husband has an issue with your son's grandmother and great aunt visiting with him. There is nothing more precious than the time our kids get to share with us, as well as their grandparents (and cousins, aunts, uncles, etc). I wish I had my grandparents around when I was growing up, especially when I see how wonderful my parents and my in-laws are with the kids. I agree with the other responders that if your husband does not want visitors, then schedule the visiting when he has other plans. Maybe someday he will come to appreciate the extended family....especially when you need a sitter so the 2 of you can get a break.

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