Preschool Behavior Dilemma

Tell her the truth and then maybe you can both come up with a solution. Both need to watch them as they play so that you can stop inappropriate behavior right at the start. Then explain why they should not do that so they learn. 3 year olds need to be taught how to play, it is not in the DNA. Many times you will have to say it more than once before they really get it and sometimes you have to show them why. EX: They hit someone with a toy. They may need to find out how that toy feels so they won't do that again.

This is normal behavior for children under 5- they are still learning conflict resolution, and how to use their words to convey emotions. Physical actions are natural inclinations until they learn how to control themselves. Your daughter is obviously very intuitive- she wants to keep playing with these children despite all the unpleasantness she is experiencing, and, to me, that suggests that she still sees something desirable in those children, which shows her compassion and forgiveness at such a young age. You never know the true nature of a child's home life, so they may or may not have a hard time there. And I don't believe in begrudging a young child of their actions, even when it involves hurt in my own child. Protecting our children from real danger is of the utmost importance, but we must let them learn that we will not always be there to fend off bullies- real life is not fair by any means. The younger they are when they learn this, the easier their transition to real life will be. Let her keep playing with these children as long as she wants- they may need her friendship more than you realize.

I think you need to do what you need to do.

Some kiddos are rougher, but there are other parts of their personalities which win our kids over, and let them choose to accept the bumbs and bruises. At this age,there is no great way of saying "I know you like so-and-so, but they aren't gentle with you, so we can't play any more." If we make a decision to curtail playdates with a certain child, we really can't put it back on anyone else, including our kids. And because we sometimes really like the parent, it does us well to keep our own counsel on the matter.

If it were me, I'd just give a good and honest reason why you might not like to have a playdate and leave it at that. This is something you can feel solid with. And then invite this mom out for a coffee or a drink. Chances are, she's dying to get out too and might be happy to just connect in that arena, without the kids.

I do find that the novelty of playing with another child-- even a child who hurts them-- has a big impression on children, and they will regularly ask to play with kids who would not be our first choice as playmates. But we are their parents, and there's something else we may not see that's meeting our child's needs, so it's good to be critical and try to be impartial, almost clinical, sometimes. Just to separate our preferences from our child's own. One thing I try to do is see the big picture, ask myself "how many times has my little guy been a pain in the neck to the other kid?" It give me some real perspective.

I'd say, if you want to further your relationship with this friend, do things on your own for now, or come to peace with 'what will happen, will happen'. This philosophy is something I practice a little more easily with my preschoolers than my son of the same age (because I'm his M. and so beloved of him, I just think my kid is the bees knees, so yep, I'm biased). So I know it's difficult. Choose what feels more comfortable for you, and then move forward in your friendship. The rest will likely fall into place if you do what feels right.

H.

It's not that unusual. You are actually doing the right thing, allowing her to have these experiences and to learn from them.

The next time you see these kids battling, step in right away. Let all the kids know that this is not acceptable behavior. You may even need to take away the toy they are fighting over or put both of them in time-out.

I would also ask them to think about a better way to decide "who gets the riding car." You will be amazed at how much they actually know, when you ask them. When they come up with a solution (such as "we could take turns") remind them of their solution the next time this issue comes up. Remind them that THEY decided to take turns. If it is their idea, they'll be more likely to comply.

http://keystosimpleliving.com/kids.php

How does this other mom respond when her child hurts your daughter? Would you feel comfortable talking to her about it if she isn't already showing any effort to reign her child in and teach them appropriate behavior? If she mentions a play date again, would you feel okay being honest, yet gentle, about the fact that they don't go well and why?

The only other thing I could add would be teaching your DD what would be a better response to being hit, etc. Rather than hitting back, teach her to look at the other kid right in the eye and tell them that's not nice and don't do it again. It might seem like a lot for a 3 year old, but the way you've described her sounds a lot like my own DD who is the same age (outgoing, assertive, etc.). We've never had an issue with her hitting anyone, but if another kid pushes her or pinches her or bumps into her in some way, she will get right in their face and tell them to stop and "not do that!" The funny thing is, I've never had to teach her that, she has done it all on her own - she seems to have a strong sense of right and wrong and what the rules are and has no issues making sure the other kids know too. Teaching your DD to stand up for herself using words and body language (stand up straight, eye contact, etc.) will serve her well down the road when she has to deal with bullies in school and situations she may find herself in as an adult.

The preschool teacher should be dealing with this behavior in the classroom, outside of the classroom I am not sure why you would want to get together with them when this is the same behavior over and over. Why waste your energy and frustration on people? Find friends that have mutual parenting ideas and the kids are more than likely to be better behaved, etc. It will make your life easier :)

What does the pre-school teacher do when these things happen?
I would hope they are not allowing the girls to get away with it. What did your friend do when her daughter hurt your daughter @ the playdates? If she doesn't do a whole lot, I'd avoid playdates with her child, because if her child is not being disciplined, the same things will happen over and over again.

This is WHY she is going to preschool, to learn how to be a friend and how to react when she is hurt by someone else.

The teachers should be modeling what to do - if she gets hit she should say, "Don't hit me, I don't like it" then move away. You can practice this at home too. Neighbor kids who are older will help as well if you ask them to.

Talk to the teachers and see what they do to teach gentle behaviors at the school. If they don't TEACH the right way, suggest that a unit on being a friend may be needed.

i would have a hard time "liking" someone who allowed their child to treat mine that way. you're not talking about rough play - you mention specifically hitting and spitting. i mean seriously...first time my child hits another, spits at them, or throws something at them and hurts them (has never happened, mine is 4) i would be snatching him up and playdate would be over. i don't get how that's okay. if it was my child being hurt by another constantly, M. bear would come out and there would definitely be issues. actually...the relationship would probably be over by now. i get that they are little and it may happen occasionally....they're still learning how to interact...but this sounds like a lot more than that. after once or twice i'd be done. it doesn't sound like anyone is doing anything to curb this behavior.

why should it be okay for your daughter to be treated like that?

now that i am done with that little rant (sorry...protecting my kid gets me riled up!) i have to say, there is as neighbor girl (she's six i think, my son is 4) that i feel "bullies" or has bullied my son. i have stepped in myself, and even called him inside, telling them both that if they can't play nice then it's time to stop. (once he was inside i made sure he understood it was her not playing nice, not him) she has gotten better, she knows that if she's not nice to my son she can't play with him. i'm sorry, i am not going to allow my son to be bullied or picked on. and i let her know that was exactly why i had a problem. as long as they play nice, everything is great. he deserves to be treated better than that, and i told him that too. (btw, this was when he was closer to 3, 3 1/2, and she was around 5 years old)

I would say the most important thing to do is to teach your DD the proper response to the others behavior/actions. I had a very similar situation but it was a cousin who was biting, hitting, being agressive with my DD. She would get so mad and scream at him (also "only child" assertive, outgoing, good sharing like your DD!) But since it was a family member we couldn't exactly just never see them, so instead we taught her how to react. If the kid does something she doesn't like then she needs to say something like......"Bobby, don't hit me I don't like it!" We also just tell her to say something like " I don't think you are being nice and I am going to do something else" Then just ignore that kid and do another activity. Just keep teaching her good habits because she can't always avoid everyone and will need the skills to deal with difficult people :) My DD and her cousin have been much better (still some small fights- they are 4 now) It takes time but she will eventually get it! Good luck :)

I went jogging today that ended at a playground (as is always does) Sometimes there are kiddo's, sometimes not. Today, there was a girl about my DD's age...they both were somewhat shy (she more than my older kiddo) and her mother and I discussed how WE CANT MAKE THEM DO WHAT WE WANT THEM TO DO....they are who they are...thats it, plain and simple. When YOU relax......SHE will relax. If she doesnt want to play...then dont make her. She will do it in her own time. She's 3!! At that age, they have a tendency to "parellel" play...meaning that they like to play, but not so much "with" other kids....relax and let her do what comes natural.

M:)