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Child Is Always Getting Hit/pushed in Preschool

My son is 4 years old and started going to preschool. Everyday he comes home crying and says that a child has either pushed or hit him in school. He is neither provoking it or doing anything after they hit him. He just stands alone, sad, and comes home to tell me. He is my first-born and seeing him cry pains me. What can I do to help my son defend himself in school? The teachers are aware of the problem, but because this happening daily they don't care any more. As a parent what can I do protect him? One parent recommended that my son should get more involved in video games. I don't understand the correlation between a video game and self-defense. Should I put him in a karate class? Moms, I need your advice.

What can I do next?

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If the teacher don't care. And don't know how to calm it down. Then i would change school if that is possible . And fine one were The teachers really care.

If the teachers aren't concerned, then go to the owner. If that doesn't help I would find another one. HE shouldn't have to deal with that everyday. When mine was in preschool, if something happened to him or by him I was notified when I picked him up so if he was the one provoking it then I could let him know it wasn't ok.
The shcool should have a no hitting, pushing rule and it should be enforced. Maybe you could " visit" unannounced one day and see what is going on?

I would start looking at other preschools.you need to talk to the teachers at other schools about the problem and find out how they will handle it. He has many years of school ahead of him and you need to get this worked out now before it is a real mindset with him. L.

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Go and talk to the teachers and bring in the head of the school. Demand that something be done or you will report them to the authorities. Yes this is necessary.

Is this a regular school or a privately owned place. If it is privatley owned, check with your local school. A lot of times they will have pre-k at the schools to prepare them for kindergarten and 1st grade. My daughter was in a school pre-k and it was great for her. They also recognized a few disabilities that I suspected she had and they started to correct the problem then. It worked out wonderfully and she is now in 2nd grade and getting the help she needs. Plus she is doing much better.

Anyway, the point is that your son has rights, you have rights as a parent. You need to make sure this school does something to correct the problem now, not later.

Good luck.


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First, are you sure he's being treated this way. A child in my sons class made up the same issues because he didn't want to be there. He wanted to be at home. If he is telling the truth than you should get angry and go to the director. My son has pushed and hit other kids before, they have done this to him. BUT, his teachers punished whoever had the bad behavior and then had a discussion about why they shouldn't act that way. They NEVER overlooked they always taught. You should demand safety. If your child is allowed to be bullied now, he'll grow up thinking it's okay. I'd also look at putting him in a sport to grow confidence. Soccer, tee ball. My son plays ice hockey and has had the confidence to puff his chest out and yell at another kid, an entire foot taller, to stop knocking him down. My son dug his skates into the ice, preparing to get pushed again, and when the other kid tried to knock him down that kid fell. My son skated off laughing. It was a great moment as a parent. I hope you have one of these moments too.

Good luck, J.

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I have two daughters. One has a passive personality and one had an outoging personality. They both attended the same elementary school. One always had a great day, great friends, no problems. The older one didn't. She was always sad because someone teased her, wouldn't play with her, etc. Same school, same teachers, 2 totally different experiences. It has taken me several years to realize that the older one is MUCH MUCH more sensative then the younger one. When someone says anything that can remotely hurtful my oldest is hurt to the bone, my younger daughter lets a lot of stuff roll off her back and only gets hurt by the bigger stuff.

This has been my experience and I hope it helps.

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Once my son got bitten 5-7 times in the same week. The teacher's excuse was that he was the 'nice kid'. If they took something from him, he just went and got something else. If they were ugly to him, he just walked away. It was suggested (by his teacher) that he become a biter to teach the others a lesson. I was/am not comfortable teaching my kids to react negatively to negative behavior.

Needless to say, I took my son out of that class for a week. Sent him to my parents. I had 2 other children in the center. I was vocal to the directors/asst. directors about my disappointment in what they were allowing to happen. I also threatened to stand in the classroom and talk to each parent as they dropped children off.

I don't know what happened during the week in that classroom, but the next week everything was fine. They didn't hit or bite or anything. He is 4 now and in the pre-k program at the same center.

It will work out, don't despair. Be frank with the director, teachers, or owners. If you don't want to be confrontational, find a new pre-k.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi Z.,

Your son doesn't need to know how to fight or how to physically respond to the bullies. This is a great opportunity for you to teach him about the virtue of assertiveness. Let your son know that when he lets others push him around, hit him, or otherwise hurt him that he is being "passive." Being passive lets others know that they don't have to respect him. He's allowing them to treat him badly.

To be assertive he will need to know that he deserves to be treated with respect. It means that you ask for what you want and need. Help him practice being assertive. A great way to do this is with small animals, puppets, or dolls. Let him play the role of the bully and you play the role of him. The bully might grab a toy from him or shove him to get in front of him in line and your doll of your son can say, "It's not okay to push me! I don't like it." If the other child becomes very aggressive, you can have your doll say, "Hitting is not okay. You are hurting me. I will not play with you if you do that."

As his mom, encourage him to use his voice and to ask for what he needs or wants. At home, notice if he is being too passive. Give him the nudge and the permission to speak up and to take care of himself. Do not solve all of his problems for him. You can help him understand how to set limits with others by letting them know what he will do and what he will not do or what he will not let them do.

Hope this helps. Teaching our children moral intelligence is one of the 4 parenting principles I teach on my site at http://www.motheringwithpatience.com

Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

Your son is probably simply a 'target' type child (mild mannered and will put up with it). There was a 2-day series of broadcasts on Focus on the Family just last week regarding this called "Instilling Courage and Integrity in Your Child". (I wish I'd known this info 25 years ago). You can listen online (like I do, daily) by going to http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Focus_on_the_Family/ar... and it will have a link or button to show 'archives'. Just go down the list and click on the ones of interest and they'll play for you.

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There is no excuse for the teachers allowing this behavior. The offending child(ren) should be dealt with. If the teacher doesn't know how to deal with it, go to the school owner (if its a private school) and give them a chance to remedy the situation. It may mean that the school will need to contact the parents of the child(ren) and ask for their help in getting the children under control, but don't count on that too much :-( You may have to change schools if you get no response. Your child has a right to go to school in peace and without having to worry about his own safety - pushing can lead to more offensive behavior. Certainly, if 4 year olds are allowed to act this way, what will they be like at 14! You should reassure your son that you are supporting him and trying to get the problem fixed and allow him to vent his fear or frustration to you. Knowing your child is "standing alone" and still being mistreated is very painful. My son, who is 26 now, was treated this way. There is no easy solution. Perhaps you can offer him some ways to have him join in their play and help him to socialize a little better. Also, you may be allowed to sit in during the part of the day this is happening to see if you can recognize anything that might be causing your child to be picked on. Because he is quiet and "takes it" often will cause the other children to continue taunting him. but if you work with the school, your pediatrician and educate yourself on ways to teach your child the skills necessary, it will all be worth it! I realize teachers get busy and don't have time to discipline children and still teach, but unfortunately for them, that is still part of their job! Good luck and God bless!

1 mom found this helpful

Z.--- Good afternoon, I have to agree with the other posters--this is not acceptable behaivor and the preschool has been intrusted by you to keep your son safe. If they are not doing their jobs you must advocate for your son and do whatever it takes for this to end. That being said, you mentioned karate. I have recently enrolled my son in a class that not only teaches the art itself but also stranger danger and how to deal with bullies--I think this type of class may benefit your son. He will not go kung-fu on the other kids but he will learn self-confidence and how to react to these situations. I think you should definetly look into the karate schools in your area and go visit them while class is in session so you can see how they interact with the children, talk about what you would like your son to get out of the class and see what they have to say. This will also be an opportunity for your son to make new friends. (Please note that it may take a few classes for your son to open up and really get into it but his confidence WILL grow with each new accomplishment).
Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Your son needs to tell the other child to stop. If they don't, he needs to tell the teacher. I would meet with the teacher and let her know you are not okay with this. I would be really disappointed in any teacher that allowed pushing/hitting to continue. The other parents need to be aware of what their children are doing too. If this occurs during playtime, I would show up to observe for yourself what goes on and what is done about it. If nothing happens, I would speak with the director/principal or find another preschool. At 4, your son shouldn't have to worry about self defense. I would only enroll him in karate if that is something that interests him. The parent suggesting video games is clueless. Any video game that depicts fighting or self-defense isn't suitable for a child his age. Good Luck!

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Move him to a new preschool. Any preschool that allows that kind of behavior should not be taking in children. Children should not grow up learning to fight. If your son takes karate classes or anything else; the second he hits back, he's going to get in trouble. "Two wrongs, don't make a right." Get him out of there.

I have a 4 yr old also and I have thought about putting him in karate. He is in pre school now, but I just think it can show him good structure, self defence and learn to listen to someone else. Good luck What school does he go to.

Most preschools have a tolerance policy and if a child is hitting, biting, bulying other children they will only tolerate it for so long then the child will have to go elsewhere. My childrens preschool is three offensive then you have to leave.
I am surprised the preschool is not doing anything about it. I would talk to the preschool director and if she/he is not going to do something about it, then I would find another preschool.
The video game thing is a horrible idea. That will cause your son to either become violent (depending on the game) or more withdrawn, neither of which you want.
Just give your son lots of love and tell him he is going to get picked on and teased, its a fact of life. Its how he deals with it that matters, He does need to walk away, but if he can't anymore tell him to use words and tell the boy to go away and leave him alone.

The key is "The teachers are aware of the problem, but because this happening daily they don't care any more."
-Stop dealing with the teachers. You've tried.
-Change preschools ASAP!!
-Give the director/owner of the preschool (and anybody who accredits them) a copy of your letter to Mamasource and all of our responses.
-Your child has the right to be safe in school.
-You have the responsibility to keep him as safe as possible.
-Teaching him karate or other self-defense techniques can be done after he gets out of a potentially dangerous situation.
-If the problem stems from his personality being passive and/or more sensitive, you can work on it elsewhere in a more supportive environment with less calloused teachers. It is OK for him to be passive or sensitive, he doesn't need to have that pressured out of him
-I have 4 kids. One was more aggressive in preschool. The two teachers, the director, my husband, and I all worked together in his behavior management.
-Good luck!!!

Hi. This was happening to our son also when he was 2-3 years old. We always taught him not to hit, bite, kick, etc. but then ran in to other kids who were not taught the same. His daycare teacher actually told us that if he would hit one of them back just once then they would leave him alone. So we bought him one of those bop-um punching bags and told him that if someone hit or kicked him first he could hit them back in the arm. We taught him how to punch someone in the arm. I hated to do this but I hated to see him come home with bite marks and scratches on his face. The teacher was right. It only took one time of him hitting back and they left him alone. We made sure he understood that he should never hit first. Even though we did that at age 2-3 he has still remained a polite boy who does not "start trouble". He is still very passive.
Now that he is 5, almost 6, we have enrolled him in Tae Quon Do classes. Tae Quon Do is strictly for self defense and it also teaches respect, leadership and self esteem. Because he was so passive we wanted him to do something to build his leadership skills.
I know a lot of parents will say what we did was terrible. But we also were tired of our only child coming home with bites and scratches. So we took it into our own hands to teach our son how to defend himself.

I think you have three choices. Either teach your child to fight back and defend himself, talk to the director of the preschool and try to get it resolved, or change preschools. You do not want your son to learn to be a "victim." You do not want him to be the child that is always picked on in school.

My oldest son would not fight back when kids hit him at daycare. He was about 3 years old when the hitting started. He was a pacifist and he still is. He was smart and he had it figured out that the kids who hit get in trouble and he did not want to get in trouble. We had the support of the daycare. They always put the other children in time out for hitting and my son did not hit and would not get put in time out. The daycare consistently punished kids who hit and eventually they stopped hitting him.

I have found that you have to be your child's advocate with daycares, preschools, and the school system. I would suggest that you start by scheduling an appointment with the preschool director. Take your husband with so that they get the message that you are both concerned about this issue. Try to stay calm and explain the situation and ask what the director expects the teachers to do when a student hits another student. Ask what their policy/protocol is on this issue. Ask if the teachers are following the policy or tell the director if you think they are not following the policy. If you are not satisfied change preschools. Your child has a right to be safe from physical harm at preschool and it is their responsibility as caregivers to keep him safe. If he was seriously injured you could report them to daycare licensing or sue them and they know it.

I am sorry your are having this problem. I remember the sleepless nights I had worrying about my son. I know how tough it is to have another child hurt your child. It is part of the growing up process for children to learn to protect themselves. But, it is a tough one to go through as a parent. No one wants to see their child hurt.

We also put my son in sports. My husband thought that sports would "toughen him up" a little and it seemed to. Kids learn to be competitive in sports and it seemed to help my son. He started with soccer at age 4 and learning to kick a soccer ball, protect the ball from the other team, and trying to take the ball away from the other team helped him learn to be more physical and it seemed to help him learn to protect himself too. He loved sports and he played soccer, basketball, and baseball when he was little and he lettered in football, baseball, wrestling, and track in high school. It also helped him to make friends easier in school when he was playing on school sports teams. Kids do not pick on kids who are their friends.

I don't think I'd go so far as Karate classes, but I would definitely teach him to stand up for himself. Some kids are looking for someone to push around and he may be just what they are looking for. Too, I would not encourage tattling to the teacher. This makes the "bull's eye" on his back bigger. Just teach him to push back or hit back to defend himself. Be sure to emphasize when to stop though. Sometimes parents push the kids so far that they become bullies, and I know that's not the goal.
I've been working with children for the past 20 + yrs through the local YMCA and through my church, so I've seen this lots of times. It's hard to resist stepping in and taking care of it for him, but that only makes it harder for your child. Bullies would only leave him alone if they know you are around, but pick on him when you are not. When they see that he isn't going to take it anymore it will end.
Good luck!
L. C.

Hi Z., if this is happening every day, your teachers should know exactly what is causing his reaction, and should have stopped it by now. If he is still doing it, go to the director and tell her that you've discussed it with the teachers (I would have discussed it at least twice) and it has not been resolved. You also should teach your son basic responses. "Stop biting me" in a definitive way, or the like. He should be taught to report it to the teacher immediately so that they can put a stop to the precise action that is causing the issues. I think changing preschools is possibly a waste of time, as he can have this issue anywhere and it's best to teach him the best way to handle it. Now with that said, if the preschool is unwilling to treat your concerns seriously, then a change in in order. Good luck! (ps, I'm not sure who told you to get him involved in video games, but I would not take that advice, I cannot understand that recommendation either)

If the teachers aren't concerned, then go to the owner. If that doesn't help I would find another one. HE shouldn't have to deal with that everyday. When mine was in preschool, if something happened to him or by him I was notified when I picked him up so if he was the one provoking it then I could let him know it wasn't ok.
The shcool should have a no hitting, pushing rule and it should be enforced. Maybe you could " visit" unannounced one day and see what is going on?

If he's being pushed or hit daily and the teachers are doing nothing about it, is that really the kind of place you want your child to be every day? This is NOT the place for him. Find another daycare immediately. Those caregivers are the ones who allowed this to become a daily occurrence. It should have been stopped the very first time it happened. No daycare or preschool should have a designated human punching bag.

My heart goes out to your sweet little boy!!
I agree with others that you should immediately seek out a better daycare/preschool. Personally I'd make sure they know the reason why you're withdrawing your child from their "care", which obviously is sorely lacking!! I'd also write a letter to the manager/owner/director of the facility.
If you can't find another placement immediately, it would be perfectly acceptable to keep him at home until you can enroll him in another, and in the meantime, consider signing up for some kind of martial arts. Not just for defense, but to develop his self-confidence, increase his strength, improve his concentration, learn to follow directions, discipline, etc.
Remember your are PAYING that preschool!! I couldn't in good conscience continue to pay them, knowing that my little child was so miserable.
It's good that you and your husband are on the "same page" and support each other, so join forces and support your son. Show him that he is #1 to mom and dad, and instill in him the rule that he can depend on mom and dad for protection, advice, trust, honor, integrity, truth and unconditional love.

i have always told my son (3) that nobody should touch him unless family. if they do, yell at them to stop, and if they dont walk away. if they come back, do the same thing they do to you to them. but dnt cry. in mcdonalds one time there wasa boy being mean to everyone, and hit my son. he looked at him and walked away. then this boy hit his little brother (18 m at time) and he saw it, and hit that boy back, chased him back to his momma tellin him dont hit my brother!!!!! i guess the talk worked, so i would try that first. he has to learn to stand up for himmself now, school is a dog eat dog world nowadays. karate would be great, it would keep the bullies at bay once he chops someont to the floor!!! lol

The fact that you said the teachers don't care makes me think that you should find a new preschool. They should be able to put a stop to it. It is unacceptable for your child to be in that situation and a child of that age should not be taught to fight or physically defend himself.

I have 4 children. I am responding because I would hate to see you get your son into video games as an attempt to solve this problem. We don't have video games because they don't seem to offer good things for kids. They shorten attention spans and don't help kids develop social skills not to metnion the lack of health benenfits. I dont think you want to be teaching a four year old to physically defend himself, words are much better.

I wonder if the preschool director could be a helpful resource. Would you be willing, and his teacher, for you to come and read a book on how we should treat each other with kindness. I would think the preschool would be open to addressing this issue with the class not pointing out what is going on with your son....just as a part of stuff each child should be learning.

A lot of churches offer preschools, maybe you might want to look at a different place.

First and foremost -- I'd begin looking for a new preschool immediately!! If the teachers aren't going to help and just look the other way -- well, that is definitely not a place that I would want my child to be. Second -- I'd start teaching my child how to respond when this happens. Don't get me wrong - violence is not always the answer or desired response, but enough is enough. Good Luck!

I don't know about video games but the karate is supposed to be good. I would also see about enrolling him next year in a school where these other kids are not going so he can have a fresh start. I am appalled that the teachers don't intervene. They don't do the children who are hitting your little boy any favors either.

Both of my boys are teenagers and never had to deal with this until a few years ago. Both of my boys are on the Autism Spectrum, my oldest Aspergers and youngest Autism. My oldest was being hit/pushed in the lunch room a few years ago. I had always told him don't start it but stand up for yourself. I had a whole round with the principal until things were finally taken care of.
My advice is to request a meeting with the teacher and the principal. As for the video games that will not solve the problem. Not sure where the parent was coming from. Good Luck. K.

My kids are all grown now. But this was happening
with one of my sons, only a little older. I got so tired
of it. I had always told my sons not to start a fight, but
ir someone is hitting you, then hit them back. This is
exactly what happened. The boy that was doing all of the
hitting stopped. Dont like to teach my children, but didnt
know what else to do. When your child comes home every day
with their shirts ripped, then it is time to take action.
I also talked with the principal afterwards about the
Good luck,

I am glad you have gotten so many responses, but I don't have time to read them all to see if I am restating something. :) sorry!
My main thought, is DEFINITELY DO NOT have him watch more video games! Geeze, what is the world coming to? Where do they think the other kids are seeing this type of agression?? If anything, use the video games to try and explain to him that maybe the other kids aren't trying to hurt him, that they are just doing what is on the video games and they don't realize that he is real unlike the game. As a christian I would say to tell him you are so sorry that those other people are doing this, but we don't want to hurt them and make them feel like you did today. let's see if we can talk about some friends in your class that are nice to play with.

Then of course talk to the teacher and see what is going on, maybe even go to a new daycare.


My child had this problem for a couple of weeks with a child in her class. My little girl was getting bullied and it broke my heart. My child is much taller then most of the kids in her class so I was surprised to hear this. I have always told her to walk away if someone hits her but enough was enough. I told her if that little boy hits you or pushes you again you tell him to stop and if he doesn't hit him back. AND SHE DID!!!!!!! That kid has never laid a hand on her again. I don't feel really good about this but I also don't want my child to be a doormat.

I have a special forces friend that says JUDO is setup for self defense. Do a little homework on it and ask around. It certainly won't hurt your precious little boy to learn to defend himself. Not to mention, it will teach him other things such as respect for others and himself. I wish I had put my son in JUDO as he was recently bullied and assaulted by a junior (he's a freshman in high school). Although, it's never too late and I'm considering it, myself.

As for the teachers not caring anymore... That's C.R.A.P.! Take it to their bosses and make sure you have a paper trail. Otherwise, change daycares. The teachers are responsible and should be held accountable!!

Good luck and God bless!

I understand your frustration. Is it a certain kid or different kids doing it? I would talk to the person over all and tell them that I was going to teach my kid to hit back if she didn't put a stop to it. I really wouldn't want to teach my child that but I would tell her that anyway.
Then I would check into a different preschool for my child.
OR another option would be to take off work one day and go to school with my child and watch what goes on myself.
I feel for you. I am sorry that happened to you and your child. I don't know what I would do if I was faced with that situation; probably go up there and beat the other kid up.... well not really but I would want to.
Oh another option is to talk to the parent of the mean child.
Good luck to you.

i'm not sure karate is the answer. It might teach him to hit back and that's not the answer to the problem. I think the teachers are being really neglectful to let this happen to the little guy. That's our job as adults is to protect the little ones in our care. I would have a word with the superiors at the school. There is no reasona teacher should "not care anymore." that is THEIR job to protect your child when he is in their care. If they are not doing a good job, I would start looking for a teacher who will.

Poor little guy! no child should be picked on and escpecially not defended. Good luck with that one and I hope that he finds a class that he can have friends and be encouraged. My heart breaks for him.

Is your child being picked on by one child or more than one? Is that child (or are those children) getting stiff consequences for bothering your child? If it's one kid who's aggressing and that child is getting consequences, then focus on teaching your child self-protection skills. If it's more than one then the classroom doesn't appear well-managed, and that might be reason to move your child. If only one and no real conseuences then I think you should be getting more support from your preschool. If they truly "don't care anymore" then you need a new daycare provider.

Regardless of all that, do focus on your son's self-protection skills. He does need to toughen up to a degree, but he's only 4. Teach him to stay near the adults (who should be a source of protection) if he's feeling scared of somebody messing with him. Teach him also how to say "No" and "Stop that" and to seek help when needed. And getting him into a martial arts class couldn't hurt, unless that is so definitely not his style. Some kind of extracurricular that he can draw positive self-esteem from would probably be beneficial.

Through all of this, reassure your son that he is a good kid and that you love him very much, just like he is, and that kid (or those kids) who are picking on him just don't know the right way to act, and he doesn't want to be like them.

This is unacceptable behavior at a preschool. The other children need to be taught not to push, etc. The teachers are the responsible adults in this situation, and you are trusting your child to them. They are getting paid to make sure your child is in a safe, nuturing environment. If the teachers will do nothing, go to their immediate supervisor. If you get no help there, go to the next level of authority. If that fails, change preschools. I wouldn't wait a minute on this. It is going to make your child hate the whole "school" experience. I have three children, who all have gone through pre-school, and never heard of anything like this.

I haven't read all your replies, only a few. But my son (now 12) went thru the same thing when he started K4. I think what the parent who suggested video games must have meant was that the other kids (the "bullies") are probably learning alot of their behaviors from games and shows that teach any type of physical behaviors - in my son's day it was the stupid Power Rangers. I never let my kids watch any type of violence at that age b/c by the time my oldest was 3 and his brother was 1 they were already physically violent enough with each other! As aggressive as my older one would be with his little brother, he was VERY passive in social situations. Your situation sounds exactly like ours was. When I brought it up with his teacher, she wasn't really aware of it, but started to notice. Sure enough, the others were playing punching & kicking games they'd learned from TV/movies/games. He had never been exposed to that so he had no clue how to react to it. None of my friends' kids were that way (b/c they were also vigilant with the TV at the early ages) so his friends at church and playgroup had never pushed him around even playing, since they were toddlers.

His teachers didn't say they didn't care anymore, but they figured he'd start joining in and pushing back and take care of himself. I wasn't too happy with that approach and told them so. I also told them what I was going to teach him at home was a 3 step process of standing up for himself. #1 - if you feel like someone is being mean, tell them you don't like it and that you will tell a teacher (at 4 yrs old, tattling is all the rage anyway!); #2 - if they don't stop, go straight to an adult (teacher, parent, whomever) and let them know that person is hurting you or threatening to and that you asked them to stop & then let the adult handle it; #3 - if the child continues the behavior even after the teacher has intervened, punch him in the stomach or nose! This was hard for my son to do to other kids, besides his brother, I think b/c he worried about getting into trouble. I told him that I would be at the school in a flash defending him if he had to physically stand up for himself.

Unfortunately, with his passive personality, he didn't defend himself as much as he should have. Once in first grade he shoved a bully back and once in 5th grade, after a kid had bullied him most of the year, it took the kid shoving past him in the bathroom line, cracking my son's knee really hard upon the tile wall, before my son finally charged him! This kid was HUGE (like 150 pds & 5 ft 3 in 5th grade) to my son's 70 pds, 4 ft 9 size, but as soon as my son tackled and punched him in the nose, he has never bothered him again. And luckily, his teacher was as proud of him as I was! She knew w/o asking what had happened and was glad. Unfortunately, with some kids and the home lives they live with, no amount of behavior correction will work 100% of the time. The more passive kids have GOT to take up for themselves, period.

It might not hurt to show your son (with you explaining bad behaviors of course!) some of the shows like Power Rangers (or whatever the little ones watch these days) or some video games, just to show him what some of the kids may be doing at school. In my son's K4 case, the kids really were NOT trying to be hateful to him, but just involve him in their aggressive play. He ended up playing with 2 girls the rest of that year and had a great time with his little girlfriends! I did kind of get paranoid about the "gay" thing if he played too much girly stuff (I know it is wrong to be homophobic, but it was hard to think about at age 4!) but I didn't let him know it and the girls ended up to be tomboyish anyway so he was still running and chasing and playing cars and ball etc...

Now he still has problems with both other kids his age and "mean teachers" pushing him around (no kidding!) but he stands up for himself and I even had to go in to talk with the principal about a horrible teacher - ridiculous that anyone teaching kids would be like she was, but it ruined his first year of middle school! So these problems won't go away just by switching schools - you'd have to end up homeschooling if you wanted him to be away from aggressive people. They have to learn to deal with the bully-types or they will end up being pushed around their entire lives.

Now that isn't to say that this preschool is a good one. I can't believe the teachers and director would turn away from any child being hurt and "not care" but if that is how it is, they need to be investigated and I definitely WOULD change schools if you have that option. I have worked at several academic preschools and at daycares, and that indifference should never be tolerated in any situation! Ever!

I wish all the best for you and your precious son!
PS - even keeping my kids away from violence on TV and games, my younger son is the polar opposite! He tends to be very physical and has even bullied someone a time or two. Sometimes it doesn't matter what their home life is like, some kids are just born with a more aggressive personality. This is where aggressive sports such as football come into play - a constructive way to work off some of that physical energy they can't contain! And my boys beat each other up all the time, no matter what I try to teach them. At ages 12 & 10, they have come a long way in dealing with each other, but still have a long way to go before they can handle each other without violence! Boys turn into men!!! :)

i would say karate would be a good idea not to make him tough but to give him a diff crowed to hang with. fighting is neer the answer but i feel your pain. i used to be that child. get him involved in other things like the ymca groups for young boys or karate good luck

Unfortunately I'm not exactly sure what your son could do to stop this but I can tell you that you definately need to switch preschools. That makes me so angry to think that the teachers just don't even care anymore. They could atleast seperate the bully (bullies) from the children getting picked on. Swith preschools! There are better ones out there.

I'm not understanding how his teachers have decided since it happens all the time- oh well..let it happen. Have they honestly told you that? They've just given up?? I'd certainly like to know what daycare this is so I can encourage no one to go.

We have to understand that kids will be kids and there is biting, hitting and scratching that comes along with that. No matter what daycare they attend. Just not so great if your kid is on the receiving end ALL the time. Tell him to tell the kids to stop- yell it if he needs to so it gets the teachers attention. They can't ignore that! I suppose karate can't hurt, to get him involved in, as long as he understands that it is to be used to defense purposes only.

I went through something similar when my son (now 6) was in preschool. Make sure you discuss this with the teachers and possibly look for a new preschool! There are some wonderful preschools out there and you may need to find one that has better child/teacher relationships. Does your son tell the teachers when it happens or just wait for you? If there are any kids that he DOES like, maybe try a playdate so that he feels like he has an ally or buddy. ALSO, by all means consider putting him in a karate class...not to teach him how to fight necessarily, but because they teach CONFIDENCE, among other things. It's a great way to teach them consideration for others, confidence in themselves, how to be a good friend and helpful to others, and of course strength in their bodies and minds. It's heartbreaking to watch your child hurt from the actions of others, I also have a 1 year old and I know it's going to happen with her too! Not sure what the 'video game' thing is about.... my son didn't get into video games until he was a little older, and I monitor closely to make sure they are FUN and NOT violent (even some of the ones for younger kids with cartoon characters have mild forms of violence...ugh!) Good Luck!

Your child is not only supposed to be watching he in the sense of you not being able to be their, but they are ALSO supposed to make sure he is free from harm. Whether that be from harmful situtations (like falling off something, etc.) and definately if another child is hurting them!!! Shame on them for not taking care of their responsibilities with your child. I am not sure how long this has been going on, but I would definately have one last talk with the teachers and director and if that does not work by the very next day - get him out of there and get him somewhere else!!!! Good luck!

Maybe it would be one thing to put up with your kid being hit every day if he were two and around a bunch of other two year olds who are still learning about and managing their impulses, but he's four, and I'm guessing his classmates are too, and there is no reason why any other four year olds should be allowed to hit one kid every day. It doesn't matter if it's one kid or several who are doing the hitting. Preschool is not about teaching academics, it's about teaching very young children the social skills they'll need throughout life--so at this stage, the school can't say it's not their job to deal with this too!

I would start looking for another preschool--one that, when you ask them about how they would handle the scenario, says that they would teach the hitters an appropriate way to behave and your son how to effectively deal with situations like that. And you need to do the latter too.

Teach your son how to speak up for himself. Explain why kids hit--they're looking for attention, they can get away with it, they want to get a certain reaction. Tell him that as he goes through life there may be people who will try to pick on him if they think they can get away with it, and he has the power to stop them by speaking up for himself (if he learns this skill now he may never need to come to blows himself as an older boy). Role play with your child. Have him be the hitter and you show him how to respond: "Don't hit me. If you need something from me, just tell me what it is." If the kid hits him again try, "I won't stand here and let you hit me. I asked you to stop. If you try it again, I'm going to talk to the teacher." Practice with your son until he can speak with clear confidence. Most kids will stop hitting when they sense that it won't be tolerated, and if they don't, then your son should go tell a grown up--he's four after all--and have the adult step in. And any adult he tells should absolutely step in and deal with the situation--every time.

My four year old and his friend have had numerous hitting episodes over the years, and they are both inclined to run and tell on each other before doing anything else. The other mom and I always respond with, "Well, what do you say to him?" We tell the hittee go back to the hitter and say, "Please don't hit me anymore," and if he doesn't stop to then come back and let us know. That way both kids are given the chance to practice speaking up for themselves, and the hitter gets a chance to practice listening and to adjust his behavior before consequences kick in. Very rarely do the other mother and I need to step in once one boy talks to the other.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

I would start looking at other preschools.you need to talk to the teachers at other schools about the problem and find out how they will handle it. He has many years of school ahead of him and you need to get this worked out now before it is a real mindset with him. L.

Take it to the teacher...if she/he does nothing take it to the principle..if they do nothing..take it to the school board.This has got to stop now before you son goes further in school and before the bullies go further in school because it wont stop at pushing and hitting.It will get worse for him and they will start to do worse to not only him but others specially when they see they are getting away with it.If you know who the parents are contact them and talk to them about what is going on.If nothing else works or the school wont help you..change school...good luck..
S. B
(mom of a bully victum)

The main point to stress is that fighting is not the solution and just because he is getting pushed around and he is the one coming home sad doesn't make what the other kids are doing right. Not sure of your situation, but typically, kids in preschool find the kids with the least self confidence so they can expoloit in an attempt to make them feel better.

Four years old is perhaps the absolute perfect time to begin training in martial arts. He will develop the self confidence needed to adapt to situations such as this and learn how to proper handle kids that want to do the pushing around and properly defend himself. What starts in preschool sometimes leads to highschool. Avoid this if all possible.
email me back on the area that you are in and I can advise what martial arts school to visit and which to avoid.

If the teacher don't care. And don't know how to calm it down. Then i would change school if that is possible . And fine one were The teachers really care.

I have no idea how video games can help, I say no to that one! I would go to the Director of the preschool and let he or she know what is going on. I would give it another two weeks to be resolved and then tell them you are going to pull him out. Most, if not all, preschools have to have some sort of rule book that they follow and there should be a 1st, 2nd, 3rd chance type deal for the child acting out. They should also have to have a log book stating when there has been an issue or accident on file. We had something like this happen in our preschool and the child was given 2 weeks to improve or he would have to leave. The parents were not able to make him stop biting and he had to leave. It is better to save the good child than to save the bad one. Make sure the teacher tells the Director what she told you, that it happens so much that they don't care anymore......??? Ridiculous! She should not be a teacher there.

As far as your son, we tell our son: if someone hits you, you tell them not to hit you again, if they hit you again, you tell the teacher, if they hit you a third time, you hit them back! He needs to learn the proper way to handle those situations and sadly, he needs to know how to defend himself. I am sure others may tell you a different version of how to defend yourself and maybe you take a little from everyone and derive your own philosophy on what you want for your child. He should not be afraid to go to school, bullying should not be allowed at any age! Poor little guy, go to his Director tomm. I would suggest a meeting between the Director and the teacher, she should not have been letting this go!

You may want to find another preschool in your area, you could email us all and give us your location and we can give our recommendations on a preschool!


Wow! I am currently dealing with a similiar situation. My daughter is 11 years old, but dealt with a sneaky bully in kindergarten. My daughter was/is very tall for her age, but very friendly and sweet and could not understand why this other little girl (bully) was so mean and nasty to her (push, trip, bite). Both teachers (head,assistant) were not helpful at all and told my daughter and I to just stay away from the bully. Hello?! What kind of advice was that? Anyway, after the 4th incident where she spit on my daughter I told her the next time this horrible kid did anything mean to her to just yell as loud as she could "Stop it Paige"! My plan was that the teachers would hear it and at the same time stop the bully from hurting my daughter. Shockingly, my daughter got in trouble for yelling in the bully's space....GO FIGURE! I finally decided to go back to the old schooling my mother taught me, and told my daughter the next time Paige/anyone does something physically harmful to you....you have my permission to do it back, but harder. Finally, she got up the nerve after a few more incidents and pushed her back. She pushed her so hard Paige ended up on the floor stunned, but not hurt. From that day forward, there were "no more incidents". Every situation is different, I'm just sharing my experience. Running to the teacher didn't work in this case.

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