Power Struggle with 7 Year Old Girl

Oh dear, welcome to the last few weeks before school starts! You sound like you handled it well--talking about how you feel about it--but I have no helpful suggestions, so sorry, but I feel for you, sister! My 7yo boys (both Gifted) are the same way--summer's just toooooooo long, that's the biggest problem! I like that idea of year-round school with 3-4 breaks of 2-3 weeks each--much more manageable! Take deep breaths, speak to her calmly, GOOD LUCK -

Hi K.,
All you can do
is the best you can do.

A wise woman (she's a mother of 4)
once told me,
"dont worry, you're a Mom;
you'll do it wrong too."
This upset me at first,
but then realized what a RELIEF it was
to know I was NOT going to be perfect.

I'm going to send you a message personally too.

Hi K.,
My oldest son went through this too. Gifted kids seem to be more challenging and controlling in some ways. Maybe it would help to read a book on gifted kids or talk to her gifted teacher. I use alot of positive praise and I also tell my son: "Let's try that response again and this time be more respectful". I do not scold him but guide him to say what he means again in a more appropriate manner so he is learning good communication. This really works and will help you keep your cool too. I also started telling all 3 of my kids that the only way they could answer me was "yes mam" and "no mam". When they try to argue I say, "the only answer is "yes mam" or "no mam". I never thought I would go to this extreme but it provides them with very clear boundaries. Gifted kids especially get a challenge out of arguing and pushing the envelope and you have to be black and white with your expectations. Gifted kids also tend to be very dramatic (the comment about not wanting to live). I'd not worry about it unless it beguns more frequent/significant. She is using that comment to control you. Gifted kids are advanced intellectually but sometimes less advanced socially so you have a kid who thinks she's older than 7 but doesn't have the proper social cues such as not being loud in the store, etc. She might be bored too, not getting enough mental stimulation with school out and is more easily frustrated and off her daily routine. This can frustrate kids and moms! Good Luck!

Yeah, baby, you gotta get the control thing together. This is what your daughter is struggling with right now. WHO IS IN CONTROL? And she's gotta know now that you are.
And she's gonna want to know when she's a teenager and interested in sex...
So, get a handle on it right now...No need to be mean or ugly, just firm. No yelling, spanking, frustrated actions. Only makes us crazy. makes the kids crazy, too.
Look the kid squarley in the eye and demand that he/she hears "you are not to act this way...this is how we treat one another"...and then (ok take a deep breath) calmly exit the store, park or restaurant and calmly, again, after you have driven home, unloaded the car, put the purchases away (which the children should be helping you do...) discuss the behavior and their feelings. Don't hesitate to let them know how you feel as well, only to the extent that rudeness, screaming, temper tantrums mean out of control...
That's where we must be...in control. It's their security blanket.
god bless dear. It's frustrating, I know.

Although her backtalking is frustrating and hurtful, I am more concerned about that comment of not deserving to live. As you said, where did that come from? Something may be bothering her...not feeling good about herself which has her reacting the way she does. For instance, she felt in control and good about herself....you felt happy with her too when she was pushing the cart in the grocery store. The moment you touched it might have brought feelings that the happiness and control was shattered, therefore feeling useless and who knows what else. You did nothing wrong at that point, it's just her point of view. Perhaps a nice talk about how it makes you feel when she reacts like that, why does she react like that and offer her tools to know how to deal with those feelings....another way of reacting. Then tell her sorry for the times you reacted to her and hurt her in any way. Open the paths of communication to lead towards stronger respect for one another. Good luck.

1-2-3- Magic.
Also, remember that if you are putting adult responsibilities on her, she will balk at no longer being in charge of things at other times. So maybe cut back on her "authority" over her younger sibling.

P.S.
The "I don't deserve to live" comment... If Dad is dozing on the sofa while you are gone, what is your daughter doing? Is she watching TV? What programs? She may have picked that up from a teen TV show ... or overhearing a program you had on at some point... My son (who is now 11) went thru a phase where he tried that sort of stuff. Depending on your response, it gives the child a LOT of power... so tread carefully.

Hi, K.
I hear you...
Read ASAP the books "1-2-3 magic" and "More 1-2-3 magic" author - Thomas W. Phelan. It will help all your family. There are also DVDs if you prefer on DVDs, it's the same like books. You can get them even in your library.
Lots of Luck!!!
God bless,
V..

Pay attention to what she is eating. I had problems with my eldest until she was just over 9. About a year and a half ago, I took her off all things with red 40 (red lake 40)dye/food coloring in them. It would make her very irrational and aggressive. We would argue and she just would not let things go and said mean things. We have NEVER had a confrontation that was out of control since. Even when she has accidentally had some,she gets crabby and I can tell, but even she does not like being the way it makes her so she is not bothered by the things she cannot have. Lots of candy, cereal, doritos and much more. There is still plenty that she can have. I took my other girls off it too just to make things fair. Even though it does not really effect my middle, it does my little one too.

As for her getting mad when you touch the cart, just have a talk with her about helping others. You were just offering help to her just like she is helping you. My youngest gets mad when her sisters try to help and she wants to do things on her own. I explain that we should not get mad when people are offering help to us. We need to be nice back and just let them know, no thank you that you can do it yourself.

Keep up the positive, it sounds like you are a wonderful mother.

Of course she is going to talk back and act older. After all she is having to play the role as her younger sisters mother while you are at work and your husband is sleeping. She is left in charge during this period of time and that puts more responsibility on a seven year old then she should have. If you want her to act like a child then treat her like a child. Get someone to watch them while your husband sleeps. You can't expect a child to have to take on an adult role half the time and then act like a small child the other half. She is just doing what she has been taught to do.

A few tips:

1. The minute you engage in a power struggle, you loose.

2. You are in charge, but not in control. None of us can "control" anyone else. You need to control the consequences, and be in charge. Let your daughter be responsible for controling herself and suffer the good and bad consequences of her behavior. (She was well behaved, she gets to go again, gets to help, whatever. She embarrassed you, she has to stay home next time) This will help reenforce good and bad choices.

3. YOU are the PARENT, not the friend. Over the years of raising your daughter you will be friends to a degree, but your first job is to be a parent. If you get these rolls mixed up, she will pay a heavier price than you in the long run. She will at times say hurtful things like "I don't like you, I hate you, You are a mean mommy, etc..." As a child it is her job to push and learn the limits, as a parent it is your job to love her anyway and do what is best even when it doesn't meet her approval.

4. Be sure to let her know you love her daily, and when she really pushes your buttons let her know you love her anyway, but you will not tolerate the poor choices and dish out the consequences.

5. For every negative thing you must say or do, balance it with two positive things.

You need some help to quash this problem before it gets even worse.

I agree with the suggestion for play therapy. I do also agree that you need to be calm and firm with her and not allow her to speak to you that way.

Good luck. I'll be praying for you.

Hi K.,

I'm confused about your daughter's comment that you're not her mommy... Are you a step, adopted, or foster mom? Or is she implying that because you weren't 'nice' you must not be a mom?

You didn't mention other incidents, so I don't know what you've done in the past. Nor do I know much about your home life. Because of these missing details, I don't know if this advice will be helpful or not.

First of all, raising your voice back to her only confirms to her that raising your voice is the way to respond when frustrated about something. I suggest calmly commenting that your family is doing something together and thus it is ok for either of you to hold the cart, push it, etc. I'd also add that you ARE nice to her. Everything you do for her whether it is feeding her, buying her clothes, etc, is because you love her and knows she needs it. And EVERYBODY deserves kindness and love.

One more thing. You mentioned self-control for both of you. Although I don't know how much you have or your experiences, I know that she will learn your behaviors from you. In other words, act as you'd like for her to act so she has an example to learn from. If you get frustrated and loudly verbalize your frustrations, so will she. If you advance your level of self-control, you will be able to use yourself as an example. She will then have a positive role model, as well as a mom, to learn from.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

J. Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
###-###-####
____@____.com

I do not think it is normal for a 7 year old to say "I dont deserve to live" although I have no 7 year old of my own. Personally, I would run, not walk, to a therapist about that remark alone. The rest just seems like the early tweens setting in and I would make sure she is aware that it is NOT acceptable to talk to you in that way and there has to be consequences for it. Also, work on how you deal with her and start giving her some more responsibility to show her you trust that she is growing up and is capable of more now. Maybe that's what she need more than anything. The permission from you to grow up. Again, I dont have a 7 year old, so take it with a grain of salt. Good luck.

I have dealt with similar issues. Maybe she is just feeling your stress. Try calling The Babysitter Tree, where you can find great Caregivers to interview, check backgrounds, negotiate pay, hours, duties, etc. When you find someone to help out, it will give you and your husband together time, time during the day for you to work and time to get household duties taken care of without extra stress. Reducing stress can help all of your relationships grow and hopefully become more relaxed. I believe that sometimes it does in fact "take a village to raise a child."
If your interested in finding someone that works great for your individual situation, call ###-###-####. The important thing is that you are tuned into your child, her emotions and differences in attitude. Its difficult to fix something if you don't know it exists. Good luck and take a deep breath - it will be o.k.

I would highly recommend the book, "To Train up a Child" by the Pearlmans

Went through this with my 4 year old. I was humiliated at a friend's house because of the backtalk, the "NO!"s and the pushing of my buttons (for us it was "I don't want to live in this family!").

I wrote up a rule chart, had the kids match pictures to each rule and post it on the wall. Then I hard-core enforced it. Anything that was even halfway sassy got Kira sent to time-out. Stuff I would have let slide before, I cracked down on. No leeway. She had maybe 3 timeouts and said to me "I don't like timeout." Then, like 2 days later (no kidding) she was an angel again. No more sass, just like that. Lots of polite requests, mommy may I please. It worked like a charm.

Your daughter is older, but probably not too old for timeout. Another option is to take away something she really likes for each backtalk. Before enforcing though, I'd sit her down and let her know exactly what is acceptable and what isn't. And if she starts, give her one warning. Just one. If she continues you execute on the punishment.

I'm sure you can break this. It's all about teaching people how to treat you. And you want your children to treat you with respect.

Good luck!

Take a look atJoke(" Yoka") Reader- she has been my inspiration- and she is going to be in the Tampa Bay area soon to do a seminar- I cannot wait to see her- her very sane advice has changed our family life,
also there is a web site we use called ChildrensBehaviorHelp.com.
I think alot about how would I treat a friend in the same circumstances- forget about her having a smaller body- and put my own manners in that way.
Take a look at Readers stuff- she makes it so easy
best of luck,k