Potty Training Always a Disaster with Me!!

Hi L.,

From the sound of your post, my guess is that you are trying too hard. A lot of parents labor under the belief that if there was a perfect solution way to potty train, they could just teach them.

And parents are often the ones putting themselves, and their children, under the most pressure regarding this developmental challenge. I speak to this as a longtime preschool teacher/childcare provider and as a mother myself.

Years ago, I found a website I really love on Toilet Learning. I'm putting the link right here:
http://www.betterkidcare.psu.edu/AngelUnits/OneHour/Toile...

What's most important in helping our children to learn to use the toilet is understanding that this is *their* challenge to master; all we can do is assess for readiness, provide good support (like putting a potty chair in the common area where the child is-- that is a good idea) and then lots of patience and encouragement. Much of what you are seeing is the child's unfamiliarity with his body's cues and signals, and he will need lots of practice before he knows how to respond to them *before* the wetting happens. Some children learn this pretty quickly; other children get so engaged in play that it literally blocks their attention from acknowledging this message. Remember, some part of this is what we'd call 'multi-tasking', and at this age, young children are only just learning how to do this. Often, their attention is engaged to the exclusion of all other things.

So, have a look at the website, do some assessment on where your son is, and give yourself a break. Ultimately, this is not your job to 'teach' him, but his job to learn to respond to his body in a timely manner. Once kids feel they are in the driver's seat, sometimes this makes things easier.

A good piece of advice (I had wished someone had told me this years ago): do not ask your son "if" he has to go; just tell him "time to go potty" about once an hour until you start to see frequent success. He's at an age that "no" is going to be the likely answer to the potty question because A. He's busy playing or B. he's asserting his autonomy. When you over-ride his 'no', then he perceives that as a 'no confidence vote' from you. This is how power struggles develop.

And you can always give yourself some time and just ask him "are you interested in diapers or going potty?". See what he has to say. It might be enlightening.:)

Why don't you just let it go and stop stressing over it! I did all these same things too with my now 8 year old and it was soooo frustrating for us both that I stoped worring about it, put him in pull ups and when he was ready...that was it! There was no turning back! I was told he won't go to "big" school in diapers so no need to worry! It was so much more pleasant when he was really ready!! It is a develpmental thing and happens with each child at a different age. Don't push it, it will come!

The hard part is that they are in CONTROL, not us. AND each kid is different. My only advice is not to push. Be supportive and give options. If he is not showing signs that he's ready (wants to sit on the potty and knows he has to go) wait. My son was just over 3 and one day told me he wanted his underwear... he was done. My daughter started early and took longer...and we bribed her w/ m&ms....Hang in there and follow his lead.

My son didn't train until he was three either! I totally let it go and just had some cool underwear on the counter. He would ask me about it and I would just casually say, oh yeah, that is your big boy underwear for whenever you start using the potty, then I would add, so just tell me when you want to start using the potty. One day, he said, ok! I want to use the potty! I told him that if he stayed dry in this thick cloth training underwear for one whole day, he could wear his cool stuff. He said, Ok!! Day three he was in underwear. Now this was after like three other tries of horrid potty training with all the pitfalls you described! I THINK, no expert here or anything, that because I just let go and had faith that one day he would want to initiate the potty, that is what did it. He felt in control, and as far as the potty is concerned, he has to be. He was just about to be three, like in a few days, and at his birthday party he was in undies with no problems. So if you can handle it, maybe put him in diapers, put away the potty, put out the underwear and just let it go for awhile and see what happens. It worked for me! It is hard to see a big child in a diaper, I know, but you aren't a failure, potty training is something a child has to connect with emotionally and physically, we are just along for the ride!! Good luck :D

He is not ready! Some kids mature later than others for this, and he's still well within the normal range. He just isn't ready. Keep him in pullups or diapers, leave the potty where he can see it, and he will want to do it eventually. Really. As for your older one, my daughters were both not interested either. The older one would come to me saying "I just did a BM in my pants, will you please come clean me up." I think she thought it was just too much trouble! It took preschool and other kids as role models for her to finally give up and do it. The other one was a bedwetter until almost age 7. It all eventually happens, just not when you think it should.
Take a break and try again in a month or two and DON'T worry.
Good luck.

I agree ... do NOT let him pee outside. My husband let our son do that one time and the very next day, I got a call from his preschool that he had peed out on the lawn during outdoor play! Mortifying ...

Our oldest was a nightmare to potty train, so I know what you're going through. What I found worked best was to skip all of the goofy strategies (Cheerios in the bowl, potty parties, etc.) and just focus on the basic task at hand. We put our son in underwear, stocked up on cleaning supplies and just took him to the potty periodically. Our son would do the same as yours. We finally started making him take off the wet clothes, wipe himself clean and scrub the areas he peed on. That was a drag to him so I think it helped. Also, let him watch you and your husband (and his sister, if she'll allow it) go potty. That can also help with the motivation.

It's tough with the strong-willed kids. Hang in there! It will happen and I promise he won't be at the prom in a Pull Up! :)