Potty Training - Afraid of the Potty

When my son was potty training, he refused to poop in the potty, and didn't want to go in his pants...so he held it...and we ended up at the doctor's office where an x-ray of his tummy was recommended and done. Yep, bowels were completely full, which is really not good because it stretches them out and leads to big problems. I was told to use stool softener, which is not habit forming, but would make it pretty impossible for him to hold it :) I didn't stress about where he went, as long as he went. We kept him on the stool softener until he decided on his own that the potty was better than his pants, and he had formed a daily habit with bowel movements, which only took a few weeks :)
Since you have a fear issue, I would leave the potty out of the daily conversation for awhile and get a video, book, or toy, and let him explore on his own with it, rather than push it on him. (If he thinks you want him to watch it, hear it read, or play with it, he'll resist, especially when he finds out it has anything to do with that potty!)
And relax...

He is very stressed ri9ght now. Don't persue it. Let a few more months pass, and try again. He will revert back with baby coming, so I would not even stress right now. I promise, he won't go to school in diapers.

I would say it takes some boys longer to get used to the idea of potty training. He may not be ready for it yet. I had trouble getting my twins trained and waited a few months, and tried again. This time I made a chart and each time they went potty they got to put a sticker on the chart. After a line was full, they got to chose a prize from a special bag full of cars from the Disney movie that they had picked out at Wal-mart. There were also some larger items in the bag for when they pooped in the potty. They were completely trained in less than a month. Oh, we also sat them facing the back of the potty when they had to poop. That way they can get on it all by themselves and not worry about falling in. We also had a very short stool for them to stand on when they peed. The main problem we had was getting them to pay attention and aim, lol. Good luck.
About me: SAHM of four boys, 10, 8, 4,and 4.

Some kids think they are going to FALL INTO the potty and therefore are afraid of it.

Try buying him that kind you put on the floor and encourage him to use it but don't force him. Perhaps take him when you go and have him watch how Mommy uses the potty. Their's nothing wrong with doing this.

When he does finally use it, praise him to the extreme. Act like you are having a party. Buy birthday style hats and streamers and go all out. He will find this very exciting and want to use the potty again and again just to celebrate.

Most importantly, give him time. He's not going to be in diapers all his life. ;)

My oldest is a boy and was not interestred in potty training at all either. At his 3 year check up the doctor said do not push it he will let you know when he is ready. I was also pregnant with my second. The doctor said if I pushed it with him I may ending up doing it twice because he may regress when the baby came. I never pushed it and one day I found him sitting on the potty. We made a very big deal out of it and he has been doing well ever since.

A. M

Hi there Jen,
I'm sure you are quite anxious to have your son potty trained b4 the other comes along! :)....but....

You can't force potty training, and if you do, you'll run into exactly what you've just run into. And things can get worse than constipation, believe me, you do NOT want to go there. It's just not worth the psychological damage.

Kids are highly sensitive (if undeveloped) beings. They can pick on on parental anxiety and stress like you were screaming in their face with a megaphone, even if you are just standing there quietly.

Also, EVERYONE is different. Try not to hold your child to the standards of those around him. LET HIM BE WHO IS. You would want the same treatment, yourself.

As you've already figured out, you will probably not potty train him until he is older. Accept that, and let some time go by without attempting (3 mos?). Then, when you begin to try again, let it be HIS choice...for example, say he wants something, you could say "well, if you want that, I'd like you to try sitting on the potty first..." Let HIM decide with no encouragement fm you, he needs to think it through and decide for himself that it is to his benefit. :)

At first, he won't do it, but as time goes on, when he sees it's his choice and you are not making a big deal out of it, he just may surprise you.

Also, even kids that are trained, do have relapses when the new baby comes along, so expect that and let it be "OK".

Good luck and I expect you'll do just fine! :)
C., RN

It sounds like your son is not ready for the potty. At 32 months, this is not unusual, especially for boys. I suggest backing off on the potty training and waiting for him to signal that he is ready. Otherwise, this issue will simply be a power struggle, and everyone will be miserable. (All the struggle and attention focused on the issue may cause him to develop a complex about the potty, and push back his development.) Though many of his peers may be potty trained already, please know that many kids are still working on it a year later... and all are "normal". Just ease off and let your son's cues guide you in his training. Hope that helps!

J. I feel your pain! I am also pregnant, although 7 months along, and I have a 3 year old little girl who refuses to use the potty. She has no problem sitting on a potty, she just holds it and won't use it. This has been a regression, and I think something they've done at daycare has discouraged her. She was going on the potty occassionally when I put her on there, but once the daycare "demanded" that she come to school in big girl panties (she only goes to daycare one day a week!) she has not gone on the potty again. She will sit on there for 15 minutes or longer, and the minute she gets off and is doing her own thing she pees in her pants. Like you, I was hoping to have her partly trained before the new baby, but I'm at a loss. Everyone says they'll train when they're ready, so I'm gonna lay off for a bit and let her guide me. Good luck to you!

Believe me, J., I do understand that it is hard to deal with something like this when one's life is so busy AND you are expecting again. I will just sort of brainstorm with you and share my experience with my 3 boys (many years ago). They were all different, but the first 2 were trained without a great deal of trouble. We worried a bit about the third who was quite bright and understood the concept of going on the potty. He would urinate there, but somehow just did not seem inclined to do more. I did resolve not to make an issue of it even when he passed 3 years old. I had hoped that he would be trained by age 3, but that did not happen. I showed him a cake mold that was adorable--a very ornate bunny and I said, you know, it will be such a wonderful occasion when you go on the potty. I will make this cake for you right away as soon as that happens. We'll celebrate.

Well, wouldn't you know it. After 9:00 P.M. one night he did indeed go on the potty and received very high praise for it. Immediately he mentioned the bunny cake. I stayed up until 3 in the morning making that thing and loving every minute of it. It was indeed a turning point.

Now for some other random thoughts--I wonder if your little one can articulate his fear. His reluctance possibly could have to do with his not being in control of this situation and wanting to be. Perhaps you could go look for some really cool kid potties and locate a few. Then ask him if he would like to pick out his own really cool potty. That might help a bit. You could go together and discuss the relative merits or just go with the one he seems excited about.

With my first boy, we had progress at first and then a bit of regression after the second boy was born. They were pretty close in age. I remember a turning point one day after he came up to me and said, "Would you please change my do-do pants?" I felt that someone able to express himself so well should be able to have a little discussion about it. So I said, all right, I will help you, but you need to help me, too. It's quite a big job to change clothes in this situation for a big boy." So we went together into the bathroom, and I helped him take off his pants, but I let him struggle a bit to help, too. He got a little on his hand and thought it was icky. I calmly mentioned that I got it on me, too, when I had to wash out the pants in the toilet before washing them in a regular way. I let him "help" me do everything. It made quite an impression. It never happened again. He did not seem to be traumatized by this experience. This was not done in a punishing way.

Good luck with this. Try to stay as calm as possible. I know it's hard when you are tired. Most likely he will be trained before it's time to go to school. That's what I used to say, and sure enough, he was. He was old enough to remember his experience, however. He still speaks with great warmth about the bunny cake and how proud he felt. He's 32 years old now. He laughs about being among the few who actually remember their potty training. My second son and youngest child, my only daughter, were trained pretty easily. We have no stories to tell here.

All the best,

M. F. (mother of 4, grandmother of 4)

I bought this really cute video for my nephen when he was potty training. He would cry and go crazy when we tried to get him to sit on the potty.

The video is a babies-r-us and has the cutest "potty" song. Its a cartoon so my nephew was really into it. It wasnt long after that - that he started telling us and wanting to go to the potty.

Also, I have heard of the potty training monkey -- apparently it works also. It talks to your child and has his own potty that makes real sounds and stuff. (102.1 Marc and Kim in the morning - Kim bragged about this monkey for weeks!! It worked with her son)

I also have a 3 year old that does not like to sit on the potty, he stiffens his entire body so that you can't even try to sit him down....unfortunately, what ever mother has told me is that you should not force it, it makes it worse and prolongs the time is takes to potty train them.

dont force the issue of potty traing if hes not ready it will just make matters worse and what do you do for the constipation my son to has problems with constipation and he is 28months

Sounds like the constipation and the pain that comes with it is the root of this one. My daughter went through the same thing and potty training was a mess. Our ped recommended Miracel. It's OTC counter now ,used to be prescription only. Tasteless and works great. We put a scoop into her morning juice and she usually has a bowel movement in the afternoon. You may have to fiddle with the dosage and the time to give it, to ensure that he's not "en route" when the medicine works. She doesn't complain of the cramping or pain that came with other laxatives. Good luck, hope this helps.
S.

I had issues potty-training my oldest son too; mine just wouldn't go potty. He'd sit forever and never go, and as soon as he got up, he'd go EVERYWHERE!!! It wasn't until we moved to a new house where i could put his potty chair in a more accessible area; right in the hallway where he could see it and get to it easily. He was 4 before he was going potty. Most boys just aren't emotionally ready to be potty trained until 3 1/2 or 4 years old. My suggestion is stop completely and wait another month or two before trying again. Making him sit on the potty now is traumatizing to him and you do not want to do that to him. Be patient, there is no rush (unless his daycare requires him to be potty trained before he can be moved to another class). My son was potty-trained completely within a week and i believe it's because i let him go at his own pace. Once he is comfortable enough to sit on the potty and starts to use it, put him in regular big boy underpants. If he goes in his underwear, clean him up and have him help you, then encourage him to go in the potty next time. I know it's hard right now, especially with another one on the way, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually he will get up the courage to go potty and you will be there to applaude him when he does, and this will give him the drive he needs to go potty! Good luck!!

Hi J., I felt the need to respond to you because my son (now turning 5 this month) had similar issues. He was over 3 years and still refused to sit on the potty because of fear. He also had problems with constipation which I think added to the fear because he was afraid it would hurt to go to the bathroom. There is hope! He has a big brother (age 7 now) who potty trained much sooner and easier so I had some experience with potty training and couldn't imagine what "I" was doing wrong. Finally, I realized my youngest was a different child and needed different training. I started by talking to him about the potty in a fun setting. Like when we were playing together in his room, or while we were eating his favorite food. That way it was comforting to talk about it without the fear being present. I pressed on with the big boy talks and I told him we were going to practice. He knew he would have to sit on the potty. And I only told him he had to try. Then I produced compliments of "I'm proud of you for trying" ... even though nothing happened. Eventually it did. Also, I found he needed to go first thing in the morning. This helped with the constipation if I sat him on it first thing. That way he couldn't hold it all day! Hope this helps....it will happen. K.

Hi J.~
I too had this problem with my oldest daughter. She would not use the "big" potty and would NOT use public restrooms! I was a slave to the portable potty! She would potty in it, but REFUSED to have a BM in it! She would wait till we put a pull up on her before she would finally go....I totally feel your pain.
Here is what we did.
1. Boost the fiber intake and liquids. If there isn't constipation it will make it much easier.
2. We gave little chocolate treats as a reward. This was a special treat for my kiddo's, however not everyone likes to reward their kids with M&M's. You could try something like stickers.
3. Patients......There is something that is "scary" to him about the potty. It will drive you insane.....but it will pay off in the long run.
I hope that helps a bit. There really isn't a magic cure to it, we just have to keep working and when they are ready, it is wonderful!!!!
Good luck!
P.

You know.... I think that if it were me and that had made him frightened of the potty that I would put diapers on him when he needed to go. I would do it just for a little while, maybe a week or two so he will forget about the horrible experience and then try it again in a week or two and see if that works. It sounds like he could use a little rest from the potty. Sometimes he will forget about a bad experience and then you can basically start over and it will be just like new.
Don't know if it will work but I think that is what I would do. I am afraid stressing him out about going on the potty will make it worse and prolong the process.
Good luck.

Girl I know what you are going through, My 4 year old is the same way, we finally took him to the Gastro Dr. and they said that once they hold there poop, that mass of poop sits in the rectum and they begin to loose sensation, so your body continues to make stool and it will just leak around that mass and they have no feeling that they have to go. My son is on Miralax twice a day and he goes regular now, but in his pants because he thinks if he sits on the potty its going to hurt, so he tells me after the fact he has pooped in his pants, I need to go sit on the potty. I am at a loss to I don't know if I should punish him or what, I have tried everything. I am a pediatric nurse so let me know if you have any more questions. J.

This is a real issue for many young mothers today. Pediatricians now believe that it is better to wait til a child is 3-4 years old before weaning them from their diapers. In my opinion, this is like telling this kid for three years it's ok to go in his diaper, then all of a sudden one day, " Oooops, you're not suppose to go in your diaper, son, that's a "no" "no." "We got to do it another way now." It won't work!! Talking about confusing a kid.
When a child learns to talk and is old enough to say words like " pee pee " " wee wee " "poo poo" or whatever phrase a parent might use to teach them, then they are old enough to start potty training. This is a most frightening experience for most children, because of not learning this at an earlier stage. My grandson was not started on potty training until just before she signed him up for pre-school, and of course they won't let them attend until they are completely potty trained. Needless to say, he had to sit out another year.
I am thankful my boys were not hard to train.
They were both completely potty trained by the time they were 2 years old, having thrown away the bottle and all. I know this varies with each child,( as some are ready sooner than others) but I strongly believe this should be introduced to them at an early stage in their life, at least start calling their attention to it.
At this point you could try some rewards for a job well done. I know there are kits out there offered by different companies to help with this process. Just type in "Potty training" in your web browser. I ordered one of the free kits to help with my grandson when he visited. It had all kinds of stickers and charts and rewards and things to show him his progress. The best I remember it had bears on it or something.
At this point, if he feels more comfortable with his own potty, then I would let him use it. I never heard of stiffening the legs to keep from going "potty." You could even make it fun, by making like you are using the "big" potty while he is using his "own" potty. I did that with my boys when they were beginning the process. Neither one of them was hard to train at all, as they say boys are harder to train than girls.
Anyway, Good luck, hope this has helped some.
R.