Potty Training - Indio, CA

I know what you are going through. My son out right refuses to poop in the potty. The one time he did we took him to chuckie cheeses, but won't go since. My son has always had a promblem with constipation. The doctor told me that he keeps it in and then the poop comes without warning or him being able to hold it. We are trying a stool soffener, which has helped. Boys are so stubborn!!! Just know that yes there is another mother out there battling this same problem.

Sounds like manipulation.
Put a diaper back on him and be very nonchalant about the whole thing. I have a feeling he'll start having more control.
Good luck

Hi L.,

I feel your angst! My son, now 6.5, had a similar issue and he was later diagnosed with some sensory integration problems. So looking back, I think he really couldn't feel when he needed to go, sometimes. If your son has any sensitivities to noise, food textures, touch, etc you may want to think about seeing an occupational therapist for an eval. In the meantime, I send you patience and good thoughts! J.

If it's to ruffle your feathers, don't let him get to you. If it happens, gently guide him to the bathroom, hand him a fresh pair of pants and underware. Calmly give him a wet washcloth, and show him once (or whatever your comfortable with)how to clean-up the accident. Don't make him feel bad, he may be using that as negative attention. After he has to clean himself a few times (or even more than a few ... just be consistent), he should snap out of it. HOWEVER, if it's that he doesn't know he needs to go, try using a timer. If he doesn't like you reminding him, get his body on a schedule for going to the bathroom. At this point (4 yrs. old), he should be trained to be on a "school" schedule. Usually he should go right away when he wakes, then before school starts (around 8:00a.m.), first break might be around 10:00a.m., lunch break is 12:00p.m., and school is out around 2:45p.m. Tell him you're not there to remind him, but that you're helping to train him for "Big-Boy School". STAY RELAXED! You're in control, he's looking to you for help.

I don't know if your son has the control, but my youngest drove me nuts because he just didn't seem to care, and he could hold it quite a while. I got him some little jockey shorts "like daddy wears", and all of a sudden he was using the potty. Apparently he didn't want to mess his "big boy" pants, but didn't care when he was in training pants. I don't know if it will work for you, but it did for me. Boys are a lot harder than girls to get potty trained. If I'd had my daughter first I would have wondered what was wrong with my boys. Good luck.

Dear L.,
I had a similar problem but my son responded well to the Sticker reward chart where he got a small gift if he went 7 days without going in his pants. We let him wear underwear during the day but we went with pull ups at night just to be safe. Sometimes he went in his pants because he was busy playing and not really paying attention to the fact that he had to go but he also seemed to be doing it for attention sometimes. Sometimes he wouldn't want to go and I would make a game out of it where I'd put a tissue in the toilet and say, "I bet you can't pee on that tissue" - it worked most of the time.

For your own peace of mind, put him back in pull ups all the time. Tell him he can't have big boy underwear unless he keeps the pull ups dry. Also tell him that they won't put up with wetting his pants in school so he has to start going on the toilet so he's ready for Pre K or Kindergarten. Sometimes that will help. Maybe try the sticker chart and keep it up where he can see his progress. That might be incentive enough.

Good luck.

L.

He is not doing it to make you mad, I promise, although he might be doing it either to get a reaction or because he lacks positive reinforcement. Rewards aren't a lot of help- I know people say they work, but the child who potty trains with rewards would have done just as well without them. But, not knowing your son personally I can't tell you exactly what the problem is or what to do about it. I would suggest that you be patient, be positive (praise him highly when he does go in the potty), and avoid harsh scolding or punishing. Do, however, tell him that you don't like it when he poops or pees in his pants, and ask him why he didn't go in the potty. Especially at this age when they are encouraged to think about their actions they can change them.

There are many things that can slow down the process of potty training. If there are any changes in home life from a new home, new school, or new family situation. Anything that can make a child uncomfortable. Some child also use having accidents as a way of getting attention. Any new children (siblings) or other in the home can cause a child to back track on potty training. Try having him go to the bathroom with another male occasionally. Little things can cause big problems. To us they may seem as little inconveniences can seem like a huge crisis to a child. Don't give up and don't pressure let him go at his own pace.

L. I feel your frustration. My son is 4 1/2. He decided at 2 1/2 to wear underware and went for 6 months without an accident day or night. Since then we have been dealing with accidents. He does not have poop accidents so I can't help you a whole lot with that, but he pees in his underware, a little to a lot, almost everytime he has to go. There was a time where he would pee on the floor when he was mad at us, but he was much younger.
I think for my son the night problem started when he stopped napping and now he sleeps so hard that he just doesn't wake up. I also know that I had bladder issues as a child and have heard it is hereditary. I have chosen to deal with the night after we get the days down. It is not considered bed wetting until the are 5-6 years old so I am using my time.

As for the day time, he's active and doesn't want to stop what he is doing to go. He really just isn't thinking about it. He does fine at school (everyone else is doing it), but it's at home where he is most comfortable that he has the most accidents. There are many things I have tried and like you they work for a while or sometimes, but I will give you some you never know what will be the trigger.

He is rarely willing to go when I ask, but I have a watch that I have worn (or you could get him one) with a timer. I started having it go off every 1/2 an hour and increased the time as he was able to hold it. The only problem with this is he rely's on the timer and isn't learning to clue in on his body signals, yet it could be a start.

Another one is that he is only allowed to have a treat after dinner if he has had no potty accients during the day. This gets into the whole food issue so you may not like it. I am not sure if he actually works to get the treat or if it's luck, but it seems that this has been the best we have done.

My pediatrician recommends that I just put him back in a diaper. He says they usually don't like it because their friends are not wearing diapers. I tell him if he has an accident then he has to wear the diaper for the rest of the day. He says it's not comfy and doesn't want to so I say then don't have an accident.

I do not do all of these things at once. I one at a time until I see it not mattering anymore and then move on to something else. For the most part I think it's going to be time. I think it will be a challenge for us for some time to come, unfortunately. Hopefully some of these ideas will help for the moment and in time they will just get it.
Best of luck!
S.

L. Hi hope you are having success with the potty training. What I did when I had that problem was I had the boy wash and clean his own underpants. They don;t like it and soon stop so they don't have to clean up after them self. Good luck A.

try giving him candy as a treat when he goes, or try putting cherrios in the toliet so that it gives him something to aim at! www.heavenlyhooked.com

I would assume that he knows very well when he needs to go & is experimenting with his own sense of power & control. 4 year olds really enjoy their independence, and they often feel confident that THEY know what's best for them. You cannot make him use the toilet at this age. 2 year olds are much easier to convince that they want to use the potty, but at 4, he knows what he wants & no bribes or "potty training tricks" are going to work until he makes up his mind that he wants to use the toilet. Good luck to you! My friend went through the same thing with her 4 year old, and he did finally start using the toilet in the summer before kindergarten started. I suggest you have him play with other boys his age often, so he can see that they are using the potty. He might want to "fit in" & might not be as willing to just go in his underwear in front of them.

Oh do I feel for you! When my son was 4 and had an accident, he pooped in his pants...and was already potty trained..I (this might be too much for you)but....I gave him a box of wipes in the bathroom, and told him to clean himself up, then I shut the door. It worked. I made sure he did clean himself, and he didn't do it again.
In my opinion, I think he's manipulating YOU! He's being defiant and needs to be disciplined. He knows it makes you mad..Just remember, be the best mom for him...and love him during this rough time. Before you know it, he'll be a teen (like mine)! Also, I recommend "Bringing up Boys" by James Dobson..great advice, and fun!
God bless you, and good luck.

Unless he has a diagnosed developmental delay it's time for consequences to these so called "accidents." You need to find out what his premium is and set the price of playing "mess my pants to irritate mommy" VERY high. Figure out what it is that he values and set a price using that value system. If he hates being separated from people then time outs might do it, or if he loves his toys, or a tv show, or a game or whatever it may be. Then you sit him down and tell him that you will no longer tolerate his behaviour. You make him run his own bath EVERY time he messes himself and take his own messy clothes to the laundry. In addition I would make him clean up any mess he has made to the floor or chairs or whatnot (you will have to clean behind him but the point is to make him know what it takes to repair the damage he causes by his actions). This is not accidental incontinence it is deliberate and defiant and allowing him to run you this way is a far bigger problem than just a potty training issue. It is a control issue and if he wins at this he learns you have no power as his parent to require him to act in ways that are aprropriate in every other area of life. Good luck!

Dear L.,

Ohh, looking you in the eyes and pooping and peeing that is a good one. I don't know what to do. Ask him what he thinks he ought to do. By four years old, he must have a comment or idea. C. N.

Hi L.,
My heart goes out to you! Potty training is never easy, but it sounds like you've got your work cut out for you! My best advice is always to put 'em in underwear, which you've already done...BRAVO. It's always easier for us to keep em in pull ups but that will never work!

I'd say at 4 he knows he has to go but just needs a stronger push. My son is 2 1/2 and potty training right now, he does wear diapers at nap/bed time. I have a 5 yr old daughter that goes to the potty with him and that helps because he looks up to her. Is your other son older?

Since he doesn't like to be reminded by you personally maybe you could try a timer.
-Call it his special potty timer
-Let him help you set it
-Maybe 30-45 min to start
-When it beeps we always stop playing to try going potty!
-If he goes you can show him how the timer gets to be set further (1hour or so)

This way he doesn't feel like you're nagging him but it is just potty time!
I definitely agree with stickers and prizes, best of all your applause and hugs and kisses!
However, I try not to reward kids with candy or food. My own personal opinion, of course do what works for you!
Best of Potty Luck,
M.

P.S. just read some of the other comments and had to say please don't shame your child even though this is slightly defiant. A friend of mine was so fed up with her 4/5 yr old she'd make him sit in it (time out), then take a cold shower! Needless to say, he's 6 now and cries a lot over small things and is quite withdrawn. So sad. Even if he's trying to have a control battle don't let him see it get to you, kids naturally test boundaries. Divert his control issue to having control over the timer, stickers, etc. He's clearly a strong person which is good, just needs guidance on where to aim his strengths!
Hang in there, I've never heard of a 6 or 7 yr old doing this, he'll come around soon!

My son was almost four before he was potty trained. What it takes if to do something special for him. For example, for my son it was taking his picture seating on the pot. From that day on, he was trained. So you need to ask, what does my son like and will do anything to get it?

I too was at the end of my rope until someone in passing said, He will do anything to get his picture taken. So that is how I came up with the idea.

Hope this helps.

Oh boy, can I relate. My son is 4 1/2. You can read my request posted recently entitled Son Won't Poop in Toilet. I don't know what to do either because I have tried everything--getting mad, ignoring it, trying to catch him in the act and make him sit on the toilet and on and on. It's so frustrating not to mention messy. We don't have a problem with pee at all--just the poop in the underwear. He used to sit once in a while but now won't at all. A nurse at our pediatrician's office recently suggested we maybe have him choose a toilet seat insert (for the big toilet) that is maybe padded or has a character on it he likes and see if that helps. I have no idea, but I'm willing to try. My son hates to be reminded also. I truly think it's because he's stubborn and that it's a power struggle--one he has control over. Hah!

hi L., try to make going potty fun. one sug. is to put cheerios in the toilet and have him go potty on them, it worked for my sons. try giving him a book when he goes to the toilet, and the biggest thing is PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE, i used to like calling it throwing a party for a good job!!! good luck!!! T.

I think he's trying to ruffle your feathers. He totally understands how to go potty, he just doesn't care. You're going to need to find something that he does care about and use that to get him to stop with the accidents. The longer parents wait to train, the more of a power struggle it becomes. One lady I used to work with said that when her son, who knew better, had a poop accident she made him clean it up by himself. She said that was the last time he ever did that. I don't know if I would allow that since I would imagine he'd only make a bigger mess and then I'd have to clean it but he definitely needs to be inconvenienced or made to suffer a bit. Good luck.

rewards for going? a treat everytime he goes. and if he looks you in the eye & goes in his pants, he knows what he is doing, tell him your dissapointed & he will need to clean himself up each time. its time for action! 4 is old enough. tell him he has to tell you every time he needs to go or you wil ask him every 10 min.