Postpartum Guilt Anyone?

I agree with everything Jo W wrote. You're not sucking, you're recovering. I bet you that the only one who thinks you're not living up to some standard is you! It's been THREE WEEKS. One, two three - 21+ days! Remember how long it took to adjust with your first? Did you expect to be back in your old clothes in three weeks with the others? Have a clean house? Throw dinner parties? Spend quality time weaving pot holders with your kids? Go easy on yourself - you sound like you're doing just fine. Your body is recovering and your family is adjusting and that takes time. You just created a human being - give yourself some credit, accept the help (people *want to* help you!!) and stop the guilt non-sense. You'll be back in your groove soon - not today, not tomorrow, but in due time. Sending big hugs your way - now let someone watch the older kids and go take a nap mama! And stop the cleaning - it can wait or other people can do that too.

Where is the sucking, I didn't read any sucking. Mostly what I read was me after I had a few under my belt. Wait? are you saying I sucked?? Just kidding I know I didn't suck and you don't suck either you just haven't found your groove yet.

Give yourself a break!!!! Let 'em help...My goodness you have 4 children who at different ages have so many different needs! God bless you! Hang in there.

Your baby is only 3 weeks old - give yourself a break! In my experience (I've got 3 girls), it takes a good 6-9 months after a new baby to get into a "groove" again.

You don't suck. You love your girls and are doing your best. Cut yourself a little slack and remember that it gets easier as the baby gets older :o)

You do NOT suck at this. You are being very h*** o* yourself right now and it's probably because you have a lot on your plate. You are tired, overwhelmed and your body is going through lots of changes.

Here's a piece of advice that someone very influential once told me, "Never feel guilty unless you are being malicious or purposely causing harm to someone else."

OH JP!!!

BIG...HUGE...HUGS!

I am a mom of many kids...

Here are 'some' lessons I have learned (the hard way...and STILL learning!! lol)

Take a BREATH.

Not only accept help when offered...BUT ASK for help...people have no doubt asked to help...make a list of what they CAN do to assist...BE SPECIFIC!! For some...'help' might be meals...for others...folding laundry...for some...taking 'olders' away for a bit to give YOU breathing room

Make a 'date night' with hubby...all the kiddos WILL survive...and you and hubby will be the better for it...

Hind sight is always 20 20...

I wish *I* had let people help more...and been more specific about *what* that meant for me...

Best Luck!
Michele/cat

I'm the oldest of four and I'm pretty darn sure my mom went through what you're going through. But since I don't remember it (but I DO remember cuddling cute new baby sisters) it didn't do any damage! You will feel better in a few weeks. For now bribe the 8 year old to play with the 2 year old and have the six year old help you with the baby -- when they get tired have them trade jobs. And for heavens sakes, give yourself a break. There is nothing wrong with turning on the TV and soaking up those nice relaxation/nursing hormones!

Oh my! It sounds like you have a vicious voice in your head that is running amok. This voice is telling you all the things you "should" be doing and beating you up when you don't. That voice is lying to you! What you "should" and "shouldn't" be doing are irrelevant. Instead of buying in to what the "shoulds" are, shift to looking at "what is" and making choices accordingly.

For example, "You shouldn't need help from other people." Really?

What is:
You have 4 children one of which is a newborn. There are a million things to do in a day and you are one person. You have friends and family that would like to help.

Why exactly are you not supposed to accept help? Does the voice reply that it is selfish? My response would be: "Of course it isn't selfish. Selfish is defined as focus on oneself without regard to others. It is self-love. It is important for me to be self-aware enough to know that I need some help right now. It is also important that I don't overextend myself and become ill and incapable of being there for anyone."

Guilt is destructive. It is the complete opposite of selfish and yet just as harmful. It is regard for others at the complete absence of care for self. It means that you are buying in to the vicious voice that is telling you that you aren't good enough. Well, here is the truth about being a human being-- Good enough doesn't exist. It is a ploy to make people feel really crappy. We are all doing the very best that we can with the information that we have. Especially moms.

Life coach Martha Beck says: "We don't teach our children how to love themselves by how we love them. We teach them by how we love ourselves." Your children will benefit most from you being healthy and happy. The paradigm of complete self-sacrifice is no longer working (actually it never did work). Self-sacrifice simply means you have no self to give.

Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself the way you do that newborn baby. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Buddha said: "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

Yep, you chose to do this. Now choose to stop feeling guilty about it. Its only been 3 weeks. Accept the help and don't feel guilty about it. A few years from now, when all of yours are in school and someone has a new little one and you want to help out you will be re-paying what you are getting now. You are still in recovery from being pregnant and should not expect to be doing it all. You can have quality moments with your kids WHILE they are helping you. Having them help IS a quality moment and gives them the opportunity to serve their family, which will foster love.

And maybe, take the chance to think and see if you are having a little post-partum depression. The baby blues are real and the changing hormones can wreak havoc on you emotionally. For all of history and time women banded together to help each other through these hard times -- you were never meant to do this alone. And your kids are more resilient than you think. You may have to apologize to them, but you shouldn't do permanent damage because of it.

This was my life a month ago. Its does get better!! I know exactly how you feel, I wish I would have known then what I know now so I didnt stress over it so much.
My baby is 3 months now, and I have two other kids. We have a routine now, Im almost to pre preg weight, Im fitting into most of my clothes. Im on top of the housework. Sex is fun. I pretty much have my groove back.
You are still healing from having a baby, your not going to lose all the weight in 3 weeks, your house is going to be a diaster, your kids are going to be bored and driving you insane, In your tiny time of relaxation, its ok to watch TV.
You are not scarring your children, this wont last long. Im not saying it will ever be easy having 4 kids, but you will get used to it and feel good again.
Umm, and my anxiety medication probably helps a bit too.. :)

((HUG)) Having a new baby is draining, even if she is the most cherished baby in the world. You are tired and overwhelmed right now - any of us are with a newborn, whether our first or our fifth. (I just got home from staying at my best friend's house, helping take care of her first four while she recovered from the c-section she had to have to bring number 5 into the world.)

First, your feelings sound dangerously close to post-partum depression, which is a condition that is treatable - it is a chemical imbalance, not a character deficiency. Talk to your doc about how you are feeling, and don't be afraid of taking medication for awhile if it proves necessary.

Second, now is the time to call in the cavalry - extended family if they are the type who are actually supportive, friends, your church, your neighbors. One of the hardest things for many of us is to ask for help if we need it. After all, we "should" be able to handle it all, right? :-) Your friends would love to help you. They are probably waiting for you to tell them what you need. So don't be shy about asking for playdates for your other girls, meals, a clean kitchen, someone else to watch the kids for an hour so you can grab a nap... These are things that can help restore your spirits and allow you to better cope with the demands of a changing family.

Also, talk to your kids - your oldest ones are old enough to understand that your attention and energy will, out of necessity, be focused on the newest family member for awhile. Tell them daily that you love them, that you appreciate their patience, that their efforts at helping out are seen and appreciated. Ask them to help out as they are able (perhaps your 8 year old could help with those thank you notes?). School will start soon for the older two, thus restoring a little normalcy and routine to their lives. And maybe a little less clean house in exchange for 20 minutes with your toddler to help her feel loved is a worthwhile trade-off?

Where is your spouse in all this? He can pick up the toilet brush, dust, cook (or microwave frozen things), spend time with the toddler and older girls, or pick up some of the other family responsibilities you usually handle. Right now you are still recovering from giving birth and dealing with an infant. He can (and should) step up as your life partner. When my second was born, after a complicated pregnancy, my husband gave my then-3-y.o. the gift of his time. He had a heavy work schedule then, but every evening he took time to play with her and read to her, as well as handling bedtime. (I dealt with the colicky screaming baby.) The bond they formed then is still special and strong today, seven years later.

Your level of guilt makes me concerned for you. It is unrealistic to expect to be mommy perfect 3 weeks after giving birth. The baby weight takes at least half a year for many of us. My doc told me not to make love until at least 6 weeks after. Please forgive yourself and give yourself time. You are not doing your family permanent damage! Such intense transitions as a new baby in the family are a part of life, and coping with them as part of a loving family will help make your girls into adaptable, resourceful people.

This was me four years ago. I also have four girls, and when my youngest was born, my others were 8, 6 and almost 4 years old. So first off I want to encourage you by saying that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it does get better, and for now you need to relax and not be so h*** o* yourself. Secondly, never feel "guilty" for accepting help from others. Moms are not meant to do this alone. Years ago most moms were at home, neighbors knew each other, and everyone helped everyone else. It is unfortunate that many of us SAHMs don't have extended family and next-door neighbors to help us do what we need to do to take care of our kids and ourselves, so please accept help and seek out support for yourself when you can.

One last thing - I know you may not have much time to read a "grown-up" book these days, but when you can, I highly recommend a new book I read recently that I believe can help almost any mom out there. It is "The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers" (subtitle is "Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity") by Meg Meeker, M.D. Now, just enjoy your girls with no more guilt! :)