Please Help, Our Going to Bed Routine Is Not Good.

Hi P., I don't think rocking her to sleep every night is any different than standing at her crib b/c she's still not learning to drift off on her own. Babies need sleep training. It's important for them to learn how to go to sleep for many reasons. Some mom's don't want to let their babies cry it out & that's fine if they are willing to go through that indefinitely, but it sounds like you want to take control of the situation & have her learn to do it on her own & there is nothing wrong with that. So don't feel guilty! Read Dr. Ferber's book. It will help tremendously & keep in mind you can modify his method to your comfort level. Regardless of the method you chose, consistency is key. It will be tough at the beginning, but once you get through it, it's worth it! If she doesn't already have one, get her a "lovey". A blanket or cuddly animal to snuggle. My son has a blanket & a monkey that he snuggles & a Gloworm that plays a song & lights up & he loves it!

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I totally expect to be in the minority of responders with this... but here goes...

I did not do cry-it-out. Instead when my daughter was that little, I would put her on top of a blanket that was on top of a medium size pillow and rocked her until she fell asleep. Gently lifted her off the pillow (with blanket still around her so she didn't feel a difference) and put her into bed.

No crying. No separation anxiety. No stress. No guilt.

And yes, she naturally developed the ability to soothe herself to sleep as she matured. Knock on wood, but we haven't ever had sleep issues... Good luck!

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Hey there...My advice to you is let your 11mth old cry. I know that its hard...but this will break them of it. And actually its not to late to do this, but I won't wait much longer to do it. I have 4 kids and about to have a 5th anyday...and I have always done this method. All of my children go to sleep on there own. I have a 16mth old right now, and once you break them of wanting you right there all will go smooth. MY 16 mth old lays right down in his bed, I say night night, and leave room and close up door. And he is off to sleep. I hope this helps..I know its hard to hear them cry and it can make you feel bad, but in the long run its really worth it...;)
S.

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Hi P.. I experienced something similar with my daughter. I tried the cry it out method but at shorter intervals. As the other Mom said, about 1-2 minutes, maybe 3 at most. When you go in to comfort her, do not pick her up. When my daughter was standing and crying really hard, I would kneel down at the side of her crib and comfort her with my arms over the railings, patting her and soothing her. This showed her I was there for her but I was not going to pick her up. It would make her a little angrier at first and she would wail a little lounder, but then she would drop to her bottom and lie down, grab her lovie, and the crying would taper off. It took a week or so but it got better. Also, I turned off the night light in her room so that the room was dark. That way should would not look for me. (She is 18 months now and still tries to look for me some nights.) Also, I starting using white noise. I bought one of those ocean music soothing cds and I put in on at night. This helped to drown out the squeaking floor when I tried to leave her room (2 story house). She still sleeps with the soothing cds. It plays for 1 hr and then cuts off. Like your child, once she gets to sleep she is a good sleeper. So if she wakes in the middle of the night, she does not need the cd to get back to sleep.

Hope this helps. Keep your chin up. Teaching your daughter good sleeping habits is a win win for everyone!!

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Sounds like you're in for crying - but remember, you have to be determined or you'll take 3 steps backwards. It can take up to a week - but you WILL see progress across the week (crying for shorter periods of time). And just so you're warned, she can probably cry for quite a while...think about an hour...the first night. By the end of the week you'll be down to a few minutes and then soon she'll rarely be crying at all! I just don't want you to expect it to only be a few minutes the first night because it won't be. She's old enough to go to sleep on her own. You're not alone!

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My husband made me do the cry it out method for my 1st 2. All the books says it takes 3 nights to take full effect. It was soooo hard to do for 3 nights. But, it worked. We did make sure that we didn't do it during an illness, teething, or growth spurt. With my last one, I didn't do it and he is 3 now and has a horrible time getting himself to sleep if he wakes up in the night. I now wish I had done it with him too.

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Hi Pricilla,

I, too am a Baby Whisperer book mom, and we have followed the techniques, and I just love them. I have found great bed time success with a routine that we do every night. We have a bath, then jammies, then a bottle (sometimes) then bed. My son also has a lovey (an object that he is attached to). I'm not sure if your daughter has one, but it is great. It's a little half bear, half blanket from Target, and I've been handing it too him every time I put it him down for naps or bedtime, and he is really attached to it now. It takes a little time, but they do get attached, and it helps with the seperation anxiety. I just finished reading the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers, and it was really good. I would recommend that as well.

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Oh I couldn't help but chuckle in reading this...wow, I sure do remember those times! I probably won't be too much help because with my daughter I ended up doing the 'cry it out' method. It broke my heart to do it and she was about 10 months old at the time. I would lay her in her crib....tell her I love her and it was bedtime. I would have to sit outside so I couldn't hear her cry, it just killed me. Every 10 minutes I would walk in there and peak my head in and tell her I love her but it was bedtime. They say don't pick them up when you are doing this. I was pretty lucky, she got it all figured out after only about 2 or 3 nights of doing this. Every mother and child is different. It's so hard to say what method to use and avenue to take. I wish you luck with it.

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Around the same age we started doing "cry it out" from sheer frustration. (My husband had been the hold out that kept us from trying it sooner)I work nights and so he had a routine with her where he would put her to sleep with a bottle, in his lap before he would lay her down. He would get very angry with me when I would just lay her down awake and let her cry for a few minutes. But there came a time a few months ago when she stopped falling asleep in his lap and tried to stay up as late as possible (she's growing up!)Finally, he got on board with the cry it out program and things have been much more pleasant ever since. She hardly ever cries. She has even ASKED to go to bed once or twice!!
The only caveat is that you both have to be on the same page, if you are arguing with each other your baby will just get more upset, confused, and will never get what you are trying to do. (trust me on that!)

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I'm feelin' ya, I really am. I just went though this with my 10 month old. I did not really want to do "cry it out" but it really works. I was rocking him to sleep while giving him his last bottle of the night and he would fall asleep. I would put him to bed and then he would wake up and I would let him sleep with me (anything to let me get more sleep). Even though I loved waking up to him talking to him self and cuddling with him it was time for that to end. The first night I feed, bathed, and gave him his last bottle. When I saw he was sleepy I took him in and left. We did the go in every 15, 20, 30 minutes. And after a few nights he was sleeping all night. He still might cry for a minute or two but it is worth every minute. It is also good to have a night routine, so they know what to expect. I can stay up for alittle while if I want and actually have a conversation with my husband or go rest in my bed. THIS WILL BE THE BEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO!!! I will say it was hard and I had a worse night than he did but it is worth it.

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I don't find anything wrong with rocking or comforting a baby to sleep. My children were always nursed, rocked, and comforted to sleep, and have done fine when they got beyond the need for it. They have eventually been able to soothe themselves to sleep once they were mature enough. Sorry to say to you, though, that was NOT at 11 months!

That said, no, she's not too old to CIO. In fact, I would not have done it at a younger age than this. I am not an advocate of CIO, however. I think it can work on some children, but not all temperaments are up for it. If your child is getting hysterical, she might not be one for it. Even Dr. Ferber admits that it's not for all children.

However, my suggestion is to read the book The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. It offers gentle approaches and suggestions to get your baby to sleep without using CIO. It takes analyzing your current situation and seeing where you need to make changes, by keeping a sleep log for a while. It is NOT a quick fix solution, but the ones that work never are.

Good luck. I'm sorry you feel like a prisoner in your child's room, but perhaps at this age she still needs your help. She is still a baby. I think it's fine to help her, but if you feel you need a solution, Elizabeth Pantley is wonderful.

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Refer to Super Nanny... she has a great approach for putting kids back to bed.

I also gave my son a security blanket at that age... it really helped him when I wasn't around.

Good luck... it will get easier IF you get a little tougher!

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We let my son cry it out around 10 months. I let him sleep in bed with us for 3 months! It's nice to be able to put your child to bed and have some time for yourself. I didn't go back in the room to check on him b/c that would just prolong the crying. The first night he cried for an hour and a half. The second night he cried 30 minutes. The third night he cried for 20 seconds, literally, and was out. He will be 3 in December and is a great sleeper. His brother, 14 mos old, sleeps in the same room. When the baby cries it doesn't even wake him up. I hope this helps. I noticed others said to cry it out but didn't really say how long it took. It wasn't easy but it's such a relief to just lay him down now and say night night.

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i would recommend doing a method similar to the cry-it-out method, my pediatrician recommended this when my first baby was 9 mo. old and waking several times a night. just do your normal routine (bottle, rocking, story, song, etc.) and then say "ok it's time to go night-night" and lay her down in her crib. if she doesn't already have a blankie or favorite stuffed animal, you might have her pick one out at the store, they can help a baby feel secure at night. then just kiss her and leave the room. but only wait about 1-2 minutes at first. if she cries, wait the 1 or 2 minutes, then go in DON'T get her out of the crib, just gently lay her down and repeat "it's time to go night-night" (or whatever phrase you choose!) then leave the room. if she cries, repeat until she falls asleep. it may take an hour or 2 the first few nights! but in the end it will be worth it. once you get past the first few nights waiting just a minute or 2 before going in, start increasing the time by a minute or 2. do the same thing in the middle of the night if she wakes up. this is a critical age for her to learn to self-soothe so that you won't be in there when she's 2 or 3 or 4 waiting for her to fall asleep! it took me about 2 weeks, increasing the waiting time every few days, until my first baby was able to fall asleep totally on her own. most nights i took a walk while my hubby did the nighttime routine b/c i just couldn't stand to hear her cry! but it worked! it worked with my 2nd daughter, too, but we started a little earlier with her. i think the reason babies start doing that is b/c they are learning skills like crawling, standing, and walking and realize they don't just have to lay there in the crib =) another way i've heard of parents doing the same thing is where you put a chair by her crib and you can pat her back, but no talking to her or looking at her. then after several days, move the chair a couple feet away from her crib, keep moving it further and further until you just sit in her doorway. i've heard this can take longer though b/c the baby can see you and wants you more.
i hope this helps and i hope you can get her falling asleep on her own soon!

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Oh my! I remember that! If you let her cry it out, it will take longer to get her dow for a night or 3, but you'll only have to do it a few times before she doesn't cry anymore. I say wait until you are mentally and emotionally ready, then make the choice to let her cry it out. You have to be consistant for this to work, which means you really need to let her cry even if she gets hysterical and stuff. Some even say if they throw up, not to go in there or they will start throwing up to get you in there. Luckily, I never had to find out. She will throw a fit for a long time the first night, and she should get better (she may get worse first to test you) in a week or less. You have to win this battle, because it's the first of many. She is going to be fine and you just have to keep telling yourself it is in her best interest to get good sleep and good sleep habits. It's your job as the parent to make sure she does, and you are doing the right thing. If you keep repeating that, you'll get through it and be glad you did! Good luck!

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Hello Pricilla! I will also be in the minority on this one. I NEVER let my kids cry it out. My daughter is 18 months now & I rocked her to sleep until she was about 9-10 months...I still do sometimes. She gets up around 7am, takes 2 naps & bed at 8:30 pm. As they get older, they play harder & are too exhausted to fight it much. Now, when she is ready for bed or a nap, she will come get my hand & lead me to her room & tell me, "nite-nite". Her schedule is pretty set. She knows when she is suppose to go to sleep, so that helps her understand that I am not coming back in there to get her. They learn to go to sleep on their own when they are ready & I always enjoyed rocking both mine to sleep. To get her to that point, I would gradually lay her down when she was almost asleep. Then I would put her in her bed, shut the door & leave. Ocassionally she would fuss for less than a minute, but not much. I also have always had a fan in her room for the white noise. That helps so much. Also, she was off the bottle when she was 9 months, but she still has her "bink", but only in her crib. Maybe she likes that bottle to help her go to sleep? Hope this helps. Good luck!

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My husband and I are having the same problem with our soon to be 11 month old. We have no idea what to do because he gets hysterical also if we just let him cry for a little bit in his crib. I hope that you can find some answers. Good luck!

It's not too late to work on the problem. Really, read Dr. Ferber's book. He addresses the concerns of babies even older than yours. I have to urge you to read the majority of the book. He explains the rational and science behind it and that makes his method more effective.

It's important to give your child good sleep hygiene. I have a brother in law that is 12 who still cries himself to sleep if his parents make him go to bed (they usually don't). Apparently, it must be a patten that my husband's family has created because my husband admitted that he cried himself to sleep well into middle school too on the rare nights they made him go to bed... I told him that was ridiculous and he agreed. Our 7 month old is a pretty decent sleeper but it has taken consistency and work.

You are correct in not letting your baby CIO. It is dangerous and unkind. The reason a baby stops crying, is because she gives up because no one is responding to her. This would never work for us since we have three children and it was simply too painful to hear my baby's cry and not respond with my Motherly Instinct.

Here are some things that worked for us: putting baby to sleep on their tummy after her tummy is full, move the crib into our bedroom so they know you are near, sleep with baby and then move baby to their crib after they are asleep, nurse our baby to sleep, swaddle tightly before putting baby to sleep in their crib.

Our first child was a challenge regarding sleep. We finally decided to just get some sleep so everyone could be happy and we let her sleep with us. Our second and third child slept in their own crib and I nursed both of them to sleep (my husband called it the knock-out nipple). Each baby is unique and have their own temperment even at 11 months! At your daughter's age, she still thinks you and she are one person. So when she sees you leave the room, it is like a part of her is leaving too. Read Nighttime Parenting, by Sears. Good Luck!

Get a baby monitor and use it backwards - instead of listening to her, let her hear your voices. Use a webcam or something to watch how she reacts when she cannot see you. I am betting that she will settle down hearing your voices. When she starts getting fussy, speak to her softly in the monitor but as hard as it is don't go in there every time she cries. Start it in stages. The first night, wait 30 seconds to come in to her but speak to her to let her know you are there. Two or three days later, increase to a minute. Try to work up to about 5 minutes (although you will be a crying mess too) of not going in there. Let her hear that she is not alone but don't let her command your time. YOU are mommy, not her. YOU make the rules. Maybe you could try pushing her bedtime up about 15 to 30 minutes. You could simply be trying to put her down too early, which causes frustration in and of itself. Remember that all babies are different. What worked with one may not work with another, even in the same family. Also, I recommend a "wubbie". It can be a blanket or favorite stuffed toy - or even a Very Special Pillow that only Big Girls get to use. Make her feel like bedtime is a treat and not a punishment. Use soothing bath soap (such as johnson & johnson's lavender bedtime bath gel or aveeno baby calming comfort bath). There's a whole bunch of calming bedtime bath products. Perhaps put a lavender or chamomile air freshener in her room at night.

I HATE THE CRY IT OUT METHOD BUT i JUST HAD TO DO IT. FOR MY YOUNGEST GOING BACK AND FORTH MADE IT WORSE FOR HIM . i STILL ROCK HIM TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT HE HAS ONE CHANCE TO FALL ASLEEP IF HE WAKES WHEN I AM LAYING HIM DOWN I JUST LEAVE HIM TO CRY WHICH IS MORE OFTEN ONLY A COUPLE OF MINUTES SOMETIMES LONGER. EVEN ON SECOND AND THIRD BABIES IT IS NOT EASY TO HEAR THEM CRY SO I GO TAKE A BATH AND USUALLY HE IS ASLEEP BY THE TIME I GET OUT. GOOD LUCK

I applied Solve Your Child's Sleeping Problems for my 3 boys and it totally worked but you have to commit to it and stay the course. It DOES work and you are not harming your child by letting him/her cry. Take your life back and your child will be happier as well. It's controlled crying going in and out on a strict schedule, 3 days to a week and it's solved. Good Luck!

I highly recommend the book by Ferber (I can't remember the exact name... Healthy Sleep something). It explains why kids have trouble falling asleep and what to do about it. It worked wonders for us.

Try the Ferber method (someone else mentioned this earlier, but didn't expound on it.) You have a regular routine (bath, book, song - whatever your normal pre-bed routine might be), then put her down, tell her goodnight and you love her, and then leave the room.

She will cry. Let her cry for about 5 minutes then go back in and pat her back to settle her down (don't pick her up). Keep going back in every 5 minutes to settle her and she will eventually wear out and fall asleep. The next night (or after a couple of nights) leave her for 10 minutes before going back in. Once you are comfortable with this, stretch it to 15 minutes before going back in.

This isn't the same as letting her cry it out. You are just getting her used to being alone and falling asleep alone for progressively long periods of time. That being said, it is still really hard on you, but it works. Make sure your husband is there with you or there is someone you can call to talk to or cry to while you are waiting to go back in and comfort her.

We used this method with my daughter and she can fall asleep by herself and sleeps through the night. Keep in mind that if her sleep gets interrupted due to travel or changed circumstance, etc, you may have to take a step back in the method and give her a chance to readjust.

Good luck!

Some babies just need a little help settling down at night. My daughter is one of those children who will stand up in the crib and cry till the cows come home. What works like a charm with our little one is my husband (usually) or I dance with her in a darkened room for a short while. Jimmy Buffet is always a winner! In less than 5 minutes (sometimes in just seconds) she is almost out and we put her down (I also nurse her a little right before I put her in her crib fill up her tummy so she will sleep longer), but she will still go down without it. It has gotten to the point that when she is sleepy, she walks over to my husband and reaches up or if he is working late, pulls me in the music room and points to the stereo to let us know she is ready for bedtime. I'm sure crying it out would also work like a charm, and it is probably not too late to try it, but my opinion is why not let falling asleep be an enjoyable experience. Eventually, she will be old enough to understand that it is night time and learn to fall asleep by herself.

I do not approve of the cry-it-out method...I believe it just makes for insecure children! I use trickery instead! :) What I would do is stand by the crib, with my hand on the baby's back until she settled down (she is old enough not to have to sleep on her back). Then I would get pick up a teddy bear and place it on her back that had about the same weight as my hand...then, since all she wanted was the reassurance, she wouldn't even notice and I would sneak out. She just wants what she wants at this point and a battle of wills is just not going to be won. I wouldn't suggest taking her to your bed because that will set a precedent. Also, think about getting her a cd player...when my daughter was about that age, she would only listen to the "teardrop song" by Rascal Flatt and we would put it on repeat. After we started that, no more trouble going to sleep! I guess if you take anything from this, try the craziest and most inventive things you can think of to gt her to stay where she is..even if it is leaving the light on and a book in the crib till she is asleep then take it out and turn off the light. REading is also a really good way to lull kids to sleep...pick something long and droning like Horton hears a who....long version...that should do it! Good luck.

The first thing I bought when I discovered I was pregnant was a rocking chair, and a radio. I kept the radio playing on low volume at all times in baby's room. At bedtime or naptime, I cherished the few moments rest, sat down and cuddled my babies while rocking them and humming along with the soft music. It usually didn't take but a few minutes for them to succomb to the loving comfort of mothers arms and soothing music, and after maybe 5 minutes of them falling into a deep slumber, I gently got up, walked to the crib and lay the down to a very restful nights sleep for all of us, unless they occasionally felt uncomfortable and needed a diaper change during the night.
As they got a bit older, I put them in the crib and read them bedtime stories and they very quickly fell asleep to the drone of my familiar voice, knowing they were not alone, that mama was there. The bedtime story was a ritual until they were in school.
When you lay a child down and leave the room, they, of course hear your voices or a TV, in another room and want to be a part of whatever is going on in another room, and become upset.Bedtime cuddles sooth them and make them feel secure as well as a bonding time.
I guess everyone does it different but it's so special to know that your child wants to be with you, and sometimes books don't hold the secret. Books are written assuming that each child has the same personality and some babies like being cuddled more than others, but you might try just relaxing and being with your baby at bedtime, rather than hovering over the crib, hoping that he/she will fall asleep soon, so that you can go on with your evening. That anxiety is relayed to them, and accentuates their wanting you to stay there, wherefore if you spend that few minutes rocking and cuddling them to sleep, it gives them a sense of relaxed comfort to help them sleep. M. K

Hi P.,
I am a mother of two children 6&3. The only thing you can do is put her down in her crib and walk away. It will take time for your baby to get use to it but the sooner you do it the sooner you will succeed. With our oldest she was 2 1/2 yrs old and I still had to rock her to sleep. It was so bad that she would hardly fit on my lap. My husband said "enough." He took her from my arms and put her in her crib. My daughter cried for a whole week till she got use to the idea. I gave her a little elephant that she named dinky and she is 6 now and still sleeps with dinky.

Good luck,
E. M

The Pooh bear w/ the heart beat sound worked better for us than a lot of things. Good luck!

Okay, I couldn't do cry it out. My dd would get very angry and it took what seemed like forever (just trying to end the middle of the night wake up habit took well over two weeks), so I didn't do that for naps or going to bed. Speaking with the pediatrician, he recommended the book No Cry Sleep Solution and it was wonderful.

I would sit by her bed (she was in a toddler bed at 18 months)for about a week. I wouldn't say anything other than the occasional shhhh. After a week, I would move a step back each night. I would spend a few days at half way across the room and a few extra days at the door. I would sit outside the door for a few days and then finally I just said I will be in the living room. By that time, dd had learned to put herself to sleep.

We did have set backs from time to time, but I would just stand inside the door for a day or two and that was all that was needed. Now when we have an issue (she is 4)I just tell her I will check on her in 5 minutes (I usually say I have to go to the restroom and will check on her when I am finished) and do. For the first few times of checking, they will stay awake to see if you do. I just peek in and smile at her if she is awake, otherwise I just take a peek and then go on.

I also found something for dd to sleep with - blanket, toy, just something for security. It made a big difference when we traveled, the bed may be different, but we always had dolly and blankie.

Good luck.

Have you tried music? If not, invest in some soft, smooth and relaxing music (this is what we do at pre-school). Also, is she in a totally dark room? Maybe the darkness scares her. Try a small night light and very low, not even monderately loud, music.

Hi P.,

I have a 9 month old son and have had some similar issues with sleep. At about 4 months he started waking at 5 am every morning so I'd rush in there and give him his pacifier and that did the job until about 6 months old he started waking up more frequently which meant I was getting up more frequently. At about 7 months we talked to our pediatrician about it and she said it would be ok to let him cry it out at this age. She instructed us to check on him when he cried, make sure all of he needs are met and pat him on the back and tell him goodnight. Then if he is still crying, go in at 10 minutes and repeat the same thing but don't pick up. She told my husband and I to add a few minutes on each time. It was very hard but I did it and it has helped. We have the same bedtime routine every night, which is bath, bottle, then cuddle/read book and then I lay him down when he is drowsy but awake and he goes to sleep. Now, we went a good while without any problems and just recently he started waking again so we had to get back on track. So far so good. Hope this helps and good luck.