Explaining Illness and Death to Children

I have a wonderful book called "The Next Place" by Warren Hanson - It is "an inspirational journey of light and hope to a place where earthly hurts are left behind. An uncomplicated journey of awe and wonder to a destination without barriers....it is a celebration of life."

I found this wonderful for my children, grandchildren, and even myself.

I am sorry for your difficulties now, and will keep you in my thoughts.

Actually, she is going through the stages of mourning. And there is nothing you can do. There are 5 stages and she is going through them. Just be there and help her through this time. It's going to be difficult. Good luck to you and your family.

Hi M.,

I know it's hard to see your child upset, and we want to make it all go away, but it's perfectly normal that she's angry, hurt and afraid. She's about to lose her beloved grandmother, and she is old enough to understand what death means. I'm assuming that this is the first person she is close to who will die...

The feelings she has are the same feelings we have when we lose someone dear to us, probably the same feelings you have about her grandmother dying. The worst thing you can do (I know because it was done to me) is to negate her feelings and tell her to get over it. She needs to be allowed her feelings, so just support her through them, help her express them, share with her the fact that you too are upset and angry about her grandmother's illness (if she is your mother or close to you) or how you too were upset and angry when you lost your own grandmother (without going into too much detail, you're still the parent :-)) As hard as it is, this is one where you can't make the pain go away, all you can do is help her through it. If you do this, you'll teach her one of the most important lessons she will ever learn: How to deal with her feelings in a healthy, healing way.

Hope this helps,
K.

M. M

I know how you feel we have a 14 year old and is very very close to her grandmother and she told us that she will Hate everyone if anything happen to her grandmother we almost lost her a couple of times and both times our daughter was very angry so what we did is went and got help with it from a doctor and the gave us booklets on how to talk to your child about death it has helped a little cant say we are all there yet with her but it helped alot my prayers go out to you and your family and pray your mom is gonna be ok for a lot longer

A.

Dear M.,
Although my children did not experience what your daughter is going through at that age, I think that her feelings are normal and is good to acknowledge them to her. The comfort that you are giving seems good. I think there are good books that help children and adults understand death and dying. One that is excellent for you and can be shared with your daughter is "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche. I think through you reading it, it can very much help you in the situation with your daughter. Best wishes to all of you.

Hi M.,
There are some wonderful books out there for children on this subject. You can type it in to the web and lots will come up.
The best book I know is the Bible. I don't know if you have one but since God made us and death is just a part of life and a doorway into the next I suggest that would be a place to start. Little kids can grasp biblical principles very well. Sometimes better than adults. Jesus said to come as a child or having the same trust as a child. I will give you some verses to look up. I hope they give you an understanding and will bring peace in the midst of a very difficult situation.
Psalm 116:15 - John 3:16 -
Here are 5 verses of scripture from the book of Romans that explain our condition here and the payment for that condition of sin and how we can overcome through faith in Christ. When we do even though our body dies our spirit will go to be with God in heaven or to hell if we have not surrendered our lives to God through Christ. It all depends on whether we receive God's forgiveness in Christ or not so here are a few more verses. I do pray they give you understanding and bring peace.
Romans 3:23-24 Romans 5:8 Romans 6:23 Romans 10:9-13
And from the gospel of John - John 14:1-6.
M., I will be praying for you and if you have any specific questions I would be glad to help you if I can.
My own mom passed away in 2005.
M.

Hi, I'm social worker in a hospital and help families deal with this all the time. I am sorry for the loss and stress your family is going through. I have a few suggestions that might help.
First, if her grandmother is in some kind of hospice program, please get in touch with the hospice social worker or bereavement counselor there, they can be of great assistance.
Second, your reactions have an impact, if you are cryng alot then this can be part of what is upsetting her. I'm not saying "don't cry", and it's ok (and even good) for her to see you crying, but use these times as an opportunity to get into a conversation about it, about how this situation makes you feel and welcome her to join in sharing her feelings. Let her know it is ok to be sad, and hurt and angry, but it helps to talk about it...and know for yourself that this is a grieving process, it takes time.
Third, she could be worried about death and illness in general. At 10 she is smart enough to learn that these things can happen to anyone in any family and may be worried about how these kind of situations can impact her life and immediate family. Kids often worry, what if this were to happen to Mommy or to me, what would we do?
Fourth, there are many wonderful books that you can share, even the Chicken Soup for pre-teen soul has parts that deal with death. Maria Shriver has a good book about "What's heaven", although it appears as though it's for younger kids, the concepts are explained simply and easily so a 10 year old can read on their own but not be too overwhelmed with the content.
Good Luck. She's lucky to have a mom who is able to recognize her needs and is looking for ways to provide support.

Hi M., Your post moved me to want to share. It must be difficult for you with your mom so sick. I lost my dad 2 years ago and my son 5 years before. Anger is the first stage of grief(even before the passing) I will pray for you and your family. Stay close to them and try to answer any questions as best you can. My faith has carried me through these things and children feel just as we do and can't be left out. Abbey Press publishes a series of Care Notes that address a world of issues. Illness, death, addictions ets. You can call at 1-800-325-2511 for a list of what they offer. These booklets have helped me so much with the feelings we all go through and how to deal with them. A priest or any clergyman can speak to your daughter. Is she close to her grandmother? My best wishes and prayers, Grandma Mary

Hi M.,
All you can do is explain what is happening. It is going to hurt them, it always does when someone you love dies.You could ask your doctor, for a grief couselor.This might prepare them for the situation that will happen.Hope all turns out well with the kids.
D.

I know she is 10, and this may not be perfect... but there is a book called "Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs" that MAY be useful. She may be a little old for it, but it may help. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to your family.

Hi M.
There really seems to be nothing anyone can do other than listen when she feels like talking about it (whether the talking consists of yelling, crying etc or not).
Both my grandparents died following long illnesses when I was about her age (11 when my grandma died, 12 when my grandpa died). I remember I basically gauged the situation by how my parents were acting. When they were stressed, I was stressed, etc. I assume her grandma you reference is in fact your mom, and having lost my mother as well, I can only imagine the impact this is having on you.
Although I knew my grandparents were going to die (they were actually well into their 80s), they were driving forces behind my upbringing... watching me everyday after school etc. We all lived in the same apartment building; there was a lot of togetherness. But I also remember that I never really brought up anything I was going through to my parents (instead I sort of acted out in school). They were pretty distant, so they never brought up anything to me other than the standard things such as "we should go visit grandma in the hospital" etc. I hate to sound pessimistic, but there's really nothing anyone can do except provide a way for your daughter to verbalize her feelings as best as you can. And expect some bad behavior.

We all have to mourn in our own way. Loosing someone we love is never easy no matter how old we are.. It's a hard adjustment to make. Hug her, cry with her and let her know you understand how she's feeling. Let her know it's ok to feel sad and that she isn't alone.
Say positive things about Grandma going to heaven and that she'll always be with the family in spirit. It also might be helpful to remind her how much Grandma loves her and talk about the fun times she has had with Grandma.
It also might help if she writes a note to grandma expressing all her feelings....a good bye note to take with her to heaven...
When my Mom died, all of her grandchildren put their own letters in her coffin along with drawings they had made for her.....it just seemed to have helped all of them to get through the process of mourning..

HI M.

I'm sorry about this difficult situation. It is a part of life but that doesn't make it any easier to understand or accept. Have you ever heard of Hospice? The Hospice group in our area can help you with this kind of issue and also in the grieving process after the person you love dies. If your daughter's grandmother (and I'm not sure if it's your mom or the paternal grandfather) is under Hospice care at home, then it will be easier to get in touch with their staff. If not, perhaps there's someone on the hospital staff who can direct you to Hospice for the counseling service they can provide.

We had help from Hospice when my dad was sick with cancer, and the local chapter has helped many others in similar situations. They can help you and your daughter (as well as your son) face the changes that are coming in your life. We had four of our five children when my dad was sick, and my oldest was five. He acted up quite a bit at that time, and I was helped to see that it was because his world was changing and he wasn't liking the turn it was taking. Once I understood that, it was easier for me to help him understand that Grandpa was still Grandpa even though cancer was making him weak and he looked different.

Take care of yourself too, and let your daughter know that you're sad about this as well. Trying to be too strong doesn't allow her to know it's OK to be sad and upset. You can help her work through her feelings by showing her how you are doing it.

R.

Hello M.,

There are many wonderful age appropriate books to help children understand death. I recommend going to your local bookstore or library. I don't recall what age group the particular book I'm thinking of is for but it's called When Dinosaurs Die. But there are others. Best of luck and my condolences.

R.

Of course she is upset...death is hard for anyone, especially children. I think to validate her feelings is very important. It sounds like you are doing that. When we face death, the only thing that is truly comforting is knowing what will happen to the person after they die. Now is the time to explore your beliefs and help her come to an understanding about what happens after death. If you are not sure yourself what happens after death, now would be a great time to visit a Bible believing church and get some answers for all of you. Death is much easier to deal with when you know about the reality of eternity, that death is really just the beginning of eternity. I'm not trying to push my faith on you, but that is what I believe, and with that belief comes tremendous comfort when tragedy strikes.

D.

Hmm.. it may help to be around other family members for support.

Hello M.,
Sorry for your loss. I have never had to explain death to my children as of yet, but I feel you should allow your daughter to go through her emotions. Let her know that you are here for her when she needs to talk about that situation and let her be. If there is someone else who she is really close to, inside or outside of the family, ask them if they would be willing to talk to her about death. More specifically, the death of her grandma. It may be that she is not comfortable talking to you about this particular situation. The important thing is to find out what is causing her to behave that way, and help her through it. I hope this helps you and again sorry for your loss.

Looks like you have a lot of good book advice etc. Just remember to let your daughter's school know as her behavior there may change and they wont know why. If your school has a counselor, go directly to them and ask them to keep an eye on her and perhaps even chat with her. Sometimes it's easier for kids to talk in that environment. And let her teachers know - they can play a good support role for you.

I understand your daughter's pain - my grandmother has Lou Gehrig's disease (MLS) and will be gone by Christmas, most likely. It's hard to accept!

One thing that I've been thinking about is, when my kids are a little older, I will make sure we have Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium in our movie arsenal. It's kind of a silly thing, but I think, of all the kids movies I've seen, that one explains death in the most beautiful, non-scary way! I mean, I believe in Heaven and Life After Death and Forever Families...but it's hard not to be mad that my grandmother is being taken from me before she can see all of her great-grandchildren born. It's hard to impart the faith and hope of our religious beliefs without first getting over the anger that we feel when something is "not fair."

Hope that helps!

I agree with dianna,

http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death....

http://www.greaterswiss.com/mourning.htm

hope these sites help

M

we went through the same thing when my daughter was the same age. what really helped us was the hospice service.. they had councellers available for us whenever we needed them and they were happy to talk to our kids whenever they needed to talk to somebody.... If Grandma doesn't have hospice service yet you may want to consider that and they should have people available for you to help with the kids as well... hope that helps....