Please Help - San Francisco,CA

Three is still learning to share. His brain isn't mature enough for him to be able to sympathize with anyone else. Life truly is all about him and that's normal.

Just keep showing him how to share. Sympathize with him by saying, for example, that you know it's hard to share and yet he needs to do so.

Point out to him when you share with him. Teach by example.

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M., you should read some books about child development. Children don't share when they are 3. When toddlers play, they don't play WITH others - they play alongside others. And they have to be taught to be nice.

Timeout and taking toys away are what you should do it he isn't nice. Show him attention when he is acting sweet. If he is mean or has a tantrum, walk away from him and don't give him attention. Kids want attention, even if it's negative attention. If he starts screaming and crying and won't stop (like if he can't get his way), put him in his room and don't let him know you are outside the door. If he has to stay in his room and cry, he will quit soon because he doesn't have an audience.

When he is finished crying, remind him why he had to go to his room. And use this sentence a lot to help him NOT start all the crying - "Use your words." Help him learn to tell you what he is feeling. "I want a cookie. I don't want to go to bed." And then you say "I know you are upset about not getting to play anymore today. But it's time to rest so you feel good tomorrow. It's not time for anything else. Let's read a story. Which one would you like to hear tonight? Goodnight Moon or The Cat and the Hat?" You try to diffuse the original argument, give him choices when you can, and always hold the reins. Children don't want to be in charge, even when they try to.

Go to your library and look for books about 3 and 4 year olds. It will help you.

D.

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Hi M.,

He's still really young and these are social skills he is just know starting to learn, so he isn't close to mastering them. It's okay, because most other kids his age haven't either, and lots of times the ones who seem like they have, seem that way due more to personality traits than a set of skills.

Things you can do to introduce and reinforce social skills:

1. Model what it is you want him to do. Say "please", "thank you", "excuse me", "may I", "yes/no sir/ma'am". Offer to share what you have with him and so on.

2. Engage in practice play with him. Sit in the floor with him and play with him and encourage the way you want him to play with other. Use positive reinforcement: "you are sharing so well, when you play like this you will make lots of friends". Ask him to share with you and you share with him. Explain the "rules of sharing".

3. Roll play with him how he can act with other friends using dress up, action figures, or puppets.

This is one of those places in their learning that practice makes perfect.

Really go over the sharing guidelines with him frequently: Sharing means taking turns, giving some of what you have if you aren't playing with all of it, playing together, and WAITING your turn. Just because someone has something he would like to play with doesn't mean they have to give it to him or vice versa. Someone has to wait their turn and can sit quietly, ask to play with or go find something else while they are waiting. That's the trickiest one, so that one will take lots of preparation.

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You must model appropriate behavior over and over again and extend grace a lot as children of age three are just learning how to share with others. I STRONGLY DISAGREE with Karin H's advice. If people are leaving play dates because of YOUR behavior and not your 2 year old's, then someone got off track somewhere along the way. OMW.The point is to model behavior with empathy and compassion. Threatening to bite back only creates confusion and power struggles in the child, that they have to be defensive about everything, thus making them even more unwilling to share!
Jim Fay's Parenting with Love and Logic has many great strategies to help kids learn to be kind, compassionate and responsible people. They are strategies that grow with your child so they learn to become wonderfully mannered and happy adults too. Go to www.loveandlogic.com for more information. They have books specifically written for the toddler age group. Good luck and God Bless!
A.

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M.:

Three is the age where they are becoming more independent but still can't do it all.

Model the behavior you want and desire in him. He will hear and see your exasperation when you don't like what he does. He will either feed off of it and do it more - just so he can push the buttons or he will acquiesce and do as he is told.

Sit and play WITH him. Have ONE child over and play WITH them. When he doesn't want to share, you can show him the value of sharing, playing together, using his words not his hands, etc. It's a slow process, but it will happen!! PROMISE!!

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I agree with Marda, show him by example. Also, if someone doesn't share with him ask him how it feels. Even at 3 he won't like it and you can tell him that's how others feel when he doesn't share. Just keep working with him, it's an ongoing process.

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Almost everyone has had excellent answers so far - there is a big difference between about-to-turn-3 and close-to-4. They are still pretty self-centered at this age but it helps if you practice with him, and another friend who might be better at sharing. With practice it should get easier as he gets older. One thing that helped us was using the term "taking turns" more than "sharing". That puts a slightly different spin on it, so it's more like, "Okay, it's Jeffery's turn to play with the truck now and then it will be your turn." and they can better anticipate getting their toy back. If you have another child come over for a play date, it's okay to put a certain very special toy or items out of sight so your child still feels like he doesn't have to share absolutely everything. Some kind of Mom and Tot class or early preschool at this age can help give him some practice and socialization too.

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AAAAWWWWWHHHHAAAA Karin,

That's because in your day children were disciplined with corporal punishment. Now we put them in "time out" and then moms almost apologize for doing so. Then they grow up to hit their moms. Reference: http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/2214504598801154049

Karin, the answer to your post would be another question and post.

M.,
Kids at three are just out of the terrible twos, and patience and practice is all you can do. They learn the word "share" around this age, but it doesn't mean giving up a toy to someone else. It means someone else gives up something to "share" with them. Both sides of the share are taught. When we had something our children wanted we had we emphasized the word share and gave them part of what we had. We would give them two of something and used the word share when we wanted them to give one of them to a play mate. It gradually sinks in by the time they are 4. Earlier, if you are patient, practice sharing and are lucky.

Good luck to you and yours.

2 moms found this helpful

I find that 2 of my kids don't learn a lesson until they know what it feels like. All it takes is one or two times of not sharing something of mine and asking him if he likes how that feels.

1 mom found this helpful

As far as playing with other kids, "parallel play" (playing 'next to', not 'with' another child) is pretty typical right now. Just practice things like "Hey...I'll bet Joey likes cars, go give him a car to play with..." and the like. Reinforce 'please' and 'thank you' ALL day long as well!

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It isn't until 4 that they can see past their own noses. My daughter is 3.5 and she is doing better with the sharing, but her friend that is 4 months older than her is really starting to show the necessary cognitive development "to share."

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It might be his nature...... all you can do is keep plugging away and encouraging him best you can. Try not to chastise too much and be sure to model by finding things you can share with him. That's the best a mama can do!

because of the way that boys are socialized, they typically dont learn the finer points of sharing their toys, or their personal space. its girls that typically get "encouraged" to "play nice", not boys. then we sit back and wonder why boys will push each other, or more typically, a smaller child, if the smaller child gets "too close" to THEIR toys, or THEIR space. gee, can you tell i had a run in with a little boy yesterday ? little brat treathed to bite me, i then informed him, that i would indeed bite him back, and i have all my teeth !he then made the tragic error of treathening to bite my 22 month old daughter, i then informed him in a voice loud enought to be heard in georgia that if he bit my child i would hold him down and bite him back, at this point his mother decided to leave with him, rather quickly. in my day, a child would only treathen to bite an adult, or another child ONCE.
K. h.