My 10 yo son has recently become fast friends with a classmate and neighborhood kid. On all the play dates they've had, which have been mostly at my house, the mom has brought the friend's 5 yo brother. The brother whines and asks to stay. Reluctantly I've allowed him to stay, mostly because my 7.5 yo son is there too, but they don't end up playing together. Yesterday, the mom called for a play date, and I said her son could come to our house since I knew they were painting their house, and didn't want my son to be a burden on them. She showed up with both her kids and again the 5 yo stayed. As agreed to with the mom, I was to call her to come get the brother if he became too much. The play date was to last 2.5 hrs, but after 1.5 hrs, the brother was bored because no one was playing with him (the other kids got engrossed in a video game) and started to do things that required me to watch him, and he kept asking why he couldn't do whatever it was I asked him not to do. I finally called the mom to come get him. She seemed a bit disbelieving when I told her that he was bored. She took a long time to come get him, and when she did, he whined and screeched that his brother had to come home too because it wasn't fair if his brother (for whom the play date was arranged) got to stay. The mother hemmed and hawed, and finally asked her older son to come home. There was still 1/2 hour left in the play date. I was a little annoyed for all the obvious reasons but only politely said that the friend was welcome to stay (he was zero bother at all) as planned.
It worked out in the end because the friend wanted my son to come home with them and he did, and ended up staying for dinner because the mom found out I had to take my younger son somewhere and my 10 yo would have been home alone. The mother repeatedly thanked me for watching her 5 yo too (of course I also thanked her for having my son over for the rest of the afternoon and for dinner as well).
I'm really glad that my son has a new friend, as it's been a little challenging for him in this department. I don't want to jeopardize this new friendship, but I really don't want to babysit every time the play date is at our house. Is it reasonable to tell the mom the next time she tries to leave her younger son that I think the play date should be just for the two older kids? Or tell her that no her younger son can't stay because I'll be busy (to which I worry she'd say he'll entertain himself!). I will grant that the 5 yo is a mature 5 yo, but he's still 5 and his needs are different than the older kids. And I really don't want to baby sit during play dates - they're not just for kids...I use that time to get things done around the house too.
Thank you everyone for your insightful comments. I will definitely tell her the next time that the play dates, at least at my house, are just for her son who we invited. I agree that it's reasonable to be honest, and I wish I had the first time and I probably wouldn't be asking this question now! As for taking her son out, I did try that, and the mom invited herself and her younger son along. I didn't care for it, but I figured since it was to a local pumpkin patch, and it is an 'everyone can participate' thing, I let it go. If we invite her son along again, then I will say no to the mom and son for joining us.
Nikki G., I also hate stressing over being perceived as being a B in a situation like this, but that will be her issue, not mine if she takes it like that.
Toni V., I understand your concern at leaving my son home alone, but as Jill K. said, it's not against the law. I am fortunate in that my son is very comfortable being home alone for a couple of hours at time once or twice a month. It allows him a sense of independence and we're always within 10-15 minutes of the house...We're not off to Vegas for the weekend! We also trust him to follow our rules for being home alone too.
I'm always amazed with Moms do this! I would just let her know that the playdate is for the older son. Let her know that while you don't occasionally mind the 5 year old, this time is scheduled for the older kids only. She will get it. She is using this time to unload her kids and not have to pay anyone.
Yes, you need to be clear when you just want it to be the older one. My kids would not have wanted their siblings tagging along on their play dates anyway! And you don't want to fall into the pattern of being her go to babysitter. Occasionally is one thing, but it shouldn't be expected.
If he's a neighborhood kid, why does there have to be a scheduled playdate? Can't the kids just go outside and play? I will just never understand this "playdate" thing.
It's time to start defining the invitation for the play dates at your house.
"I know that Trevor likes to come along with Gavin, but today the invitation is just for Gavin. I hope that will be all right. Otherwise we'll have to schedule for another day when it IS all right."
Am I understanding this correctly that your son invites his friend but she drops off both her sons? That is rude as heck!!
You need to say I don't have the energy to watch your younger son for you! Just as she apparently doesn't have the equipment to tell her younger son you are not invited, it seems you do not as well. The shame of it is that your 10 year old is going to lose a friend over this. If that is not what you want you need to find it in yourself to say I am only inviting little Billy over! Maybe offer to pick Billy up and not allow Jimmy to get in your car. Don't know but placating children gets real old real quick.
Your friend and you need to call it what it is---it is not a "playdate" it is YOU babysitting for this mother. No way and in no universe would I ever let this happen. You are being completely taken advantage of. Here is what you do: the next time the 10 yo is coming over to play (playdate is not really what kids this age have anymore-at least around here) you say to her exactly this: "I am so sorry but I am not going to be able to watch little 5 yo today because I have too much going on." If she says that he will play with the older kids tell her that is not what happens and that the older kids when together do not seem to want to play with 5 yo. Don't let her drag you into a discussion about it. Just be really nice but matter of fact.
Sounds like both you and the other mother have difficulty setting boundaries. I suggest that she will appreciate you being up front and clearly defining what you expect. Tell her that it isn't working to have the 5 yo over at the same time. Describe what happens, briefly, if you think that will help. Then say you'd like to have just the older boy visit.
You could have them both from time to time if she has both of your boys from time to time. Then you would be sharing having free time for yourselves.
Decide what you want and confidently discuss it with the other mom.
All you do is say, the play date is only for her older son.
Say it as tactfully as you can.
That is what I do.
The Moms, DO know, deep inside, that it is a play date for that one child, not for their entire family and you are not a babysitter.
All of my kids' friends, have siblings.
I have tons of playdates for them.
I SAY... to the Mom, "Sally is invited over.... " I don't say "the kids are invited over..." I don't say "Sally and the sibling is invited over..." I say SPECIFICALLY that "SALLY" is invited over, not "your kids..."
And to be clearer, if I have to, I add "Sorry, but I can't have the siblings over... the older ones need their own time..." The Moms, KNOW this deep inside. It is not nice nor fair, to dump all your kids at a friend's house, when it is a play date for the one sibling.
It is the Mom's... responsibility, to explain to her other child, that the play date is ONLY for the other sibling.
Not make you out to be the rude one.
Siblings should never be attached at the hip.
They need their own friends (and separate play dates - at least sometimes).
Just tell her the next time that the 5 yr old seems to get very bored at your house and might enjoy some one on one time with (his own) Mom while his brother is at your house.
I sure do hope that when your 10yr old goes over to their place, your 7.5 yr old gets dropped off as well. Isn't that fair? If YOU have to babysit both her kids, SHE should have to babysit both yours.
Other option: tell her that you can only have the older one over. Learn to say no to the younger one.
Some people are just super rude or completely clueless. Let's hope she's simply the latter and just needs to get a clue.
I think you just need to be upfront that the younger boys don't have a friendship and she needs to keep the 5 yr old home with her or encourage him to play with children his own age. "It's fine if Sam comes over to play, but I can't extend the invitation to John. If it doesn't work to just drop off Sam, then we can make arrangements for another day." Or "I can't babysit John today. Please only plan do drop off Sam."
It is also unfair of the mom to make her older son always hang out with his brother. As the get older, there will be more and more #1 can do that #2 can't yet and not much ticks off an older sib more than being a babysitter.
Both you and the other mom need to be firm with the 5 yr old that whining doesn't get you to stay. If the invite is not for him, the invite is not for him. Period. Give yourself permission to say no, even if it means a few less afternoons with this particular friend.
I would break the cycle a little. Next time you invite your son's friend, offer to pick up the friend with your son right from school on a Friday and take them out for ice cream or something first. Or pick them up together after an activity the 5 year old is not involved in. Tell them you have one extra ticket for a game, and your son would like to invite "Joe." Create a few scenarios for your son to invite his friend without Mom having to drive over and drop him off. Maybe after the most recent awkward exchange, she'll pick up on it, and she will know she is going to have to tell her kids that they are not always invited together.
I'm sorry, B., but you don't have a friendship. You are a convenience to this woman because you are a free babysitter. She only took your oldest because her son wanted a playmate - not because you were going to leave a 10 year old at home.
The playdates need to be at HER house every other time. You might want to just go pick up her son instead of having her drop him off and then say yes only to the older son getting in the car.
You need to let go of the idea that this is a friendship. It is a convenience. You're being used, B.. The only person who can prevent that is YOU.
Dawn
Tell this mom that you are glad the kids are friends but from now on it needs to be just the older kids not the little ones. Your 7 year old is not interested in playing with 5 year old-- It just won't work out. Seems to me she is using you as babysitter though....... Encourage playdates at their house or where you meet up somewhere-- then she will have to watch her own kid!
Please heed Annette's idea! She's right: Arrange some times and places just for the older boys to be alone together (with you). I like the idea of picking up JUST older boy from school and taking him somewhere with your son (and that will mean your 7 year old needs another place to be--can you plan some things for the older boys when 7 is at an activity of his own?). Or make the invitations for very specific things: "My son wants to go to the video arcade/play laser tag/the park with Your 10, and I'd like to swing by your house and pick up Your 10 and bring him over for that/take him to that with us." YOU would pick up and transport and it's clear the invitation is not for her younger son. If she expects her Five to get into the car and go with you -- that would be beyond the pale, frankly, and would require a much more direct talk with her!
For play at home, which your older son should not be denied because of the friend's sibling: "I know you usually bring Five as well, but tomorrow I have work that will keep me busy the whole time, and my Seven is at scouts/at soccer/doing homework and can't play during those hours. The older boys are going to be engrossed in video game/Legos/whatever, so tomorrow if you can drop off just Your 10 at 3 and pick him up at 5:30 that would be great." The clear indication being that Five is not part of the plan. If she turns up with Five in tow, greet him nicely, remain at the doorway as you usher in Older and your son whisks him away, and wave a polite and cheery, "OK, MomName and Five! See you guys at 5:30. I'd better get to work!" Seriously, doing the dropoff right in the door, or on the front stoop, telegraphs that you're going back in without them.
I disagree with the idea that you should send all four boys outside together to play. The older kids deserve time to build friendships without their siblings around and without being expected to watch or play with their siblings, period. Same for younger kids re: older siblings.
And oh, yeah -- you are being somewhat used for babysitting, either that, or she's a parent who just believes that her sons must do everything together. Either way, it's not working for you, so don't let it go on. She seems nice but possibly just socially clueless that kids do not have to accompany each other, and not all parents are open to having siblings along on play dates. (I'm not either but I've never had an issue like this!)
The first thing I would do would be to shut off the video games and send all four of the boys outside. Throw a ball or something out with them and let them work it out. A 5, 71/2, and 2 10 year-olds should be able to figure out something to play together. I am not responsible for entertaining my kids or their friends.
It sounds like you both could be incredible resources for each other as well as your son getting to have a real friend.
For the next invite address it like this, "Can (oldest son) come over for a couple of hours? I'd prefer to keep it just the older two boys today if that works for you." If pressed, "I don't want (youngest son) to be bored today.....I have a lot going on. Maybe we can schedule a time for both of them to come over if you need a break or to get something done. Just let me know!"
I stopped reading after you said your 10 year old would be "home alone"?
That's not a good thing and in some states would be considered "child endangerment".
Sounds like she's using you to get some alone time. I think you need to be honest with her.
@Toni - most 10 year olds are capable of spending a short time home alone. A lot of kids that age are latchkey kids - they come home after school and are alone for an hour or two until their parents get home from work.
It is not endangerment in any state unless said 10 year old is special needs, a trouble maker, or there are other circumstances that make it dangerous.
Have the play dates in neutral territory like the park where the mom will have to stay and watch her son herself. Truly, I have never had a play date in over 8 years that was a drop off thing. We got together and the kids played. I watched mine, they watched theirs. When we got bored we left, or vice versa.
The next time she shows up at your house with both boys and the younger one starts whining to stay, look him in the eye and say "Tommy, I'm sorry but I just don't have time to play with you today". If the Mom gives you a funny look or asks, simply say, "he doesn't enjoy playing with the other boys, so I have to entertain him, and I simply don't have the time today."
I had several women do this to me and I put up with it because my d struggled socially. They became more of a bother as the moms got more comfortable. I finally had ENOUGH and told them my d's playdates are for her and one friend only and I can no longer babysit siblings. One M. let the sister beg me and I would not back down. Because these moms had pulled the stunt on other moms, they almost never got invited anywhere so the kids kept coming without the siblings.
couple of non confrontational ideas.
Could your younger son have a playdate with a classmate Or go some place with dad and NOT be home. So you can clearly say Little bro has plans and it would be sooo great if Older friend could come over so Olders son has someone to play with.--- Try that a few times and then see if she gets the hint.
ooooo or even worse tell her younger son has a friend over today and would older friend like to come over to keep olders son company??????. she might get the hint that 3 younger ones would be a crowd. you would have to mention your younger sons's play date first though.
Or ... well it was a good idea until i tried to come up with specifics but Invite older one to do something that only 10ys could do. And like i said that's as far as i got. but maybe a movie or some activity that the younger one can't do. and then really try to make the friend ship be about the two older ones ( which you prob already do)
The other thing to think about is, could it just be because of the painting/remodeling that she is willing to push it a bit more than she might under normal circumstances???
It does sort of sound like there is a chance if you are too blunt she'll get nix the older boys friendship.
