Paying for Wedding Expenses

As far as a cutoff, I'd say today looks like a good day to me.

You can say no. No one is entitled to one wedding they can't afford, let alone three.

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Whoa. Based on all the info you've given (your son's age, his THIRD marriage, his living off (oops WITH) you and the missy's rude demands, I would have declined any monetary assistance whatsoever. You said you already paid for his first two marriages? That's one too many, possibly two too many, IMO.

The "cutoff" happens now. Since you've already agreed to help with the rehearsal dinner, I would do so. However, since they've changed the terms, I would change my terms as well. I'd offer a set, one-time donation toward the dinner. They go over that figure in dollars spent, they cover it.

This is the second time I'm saying this today, but "what nerve!!"

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WELCOME TO MAMAPEDIA!!!

Seriously?

In the past - the Groom's parents were responsible for the rehearsal dinner. You've already paid for two of them and he's expecting a 3rd? I don't think so.

Bride's parents are responsible for the wedding. If they won't pony up - then the responsibility lies on the party involved.

When I married the first time - my parents flipped the bill. My in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner. When I married the second time? My parents paid for their way there - NOTHING else. I was on my own and an working adult. No longer their responsibility.

Your son sounds ungrateful to me. I guess all you have been doing for him hasn't crossed his entitled mind. Where does he expect to live after they are married? Under your roof? I don't think so. If they make a better income - time for him to become a responsible adult and live on his own and learn to care for his own children. Learn how much you have really done for him.

Pay for the rehearsal dinner and that is it. Set boundaries and limits. Do it now before they come in and kick you out of the master bedroom and expect you to be their servants!!!

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"His fiance told me that although this is his third wedding, this is her first wedding and that I would be ruining her wedding if I didn't pay. We have compromised for the sake of peace and agreed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. "

Mom you are a lot better person than me. I would have said, "Honey, no one can ruin your wedding for you. You are marrying the man you love. You should be happy to have the honor no matter what type of ceremony or dinners go on. "

I do special evens and have done a ton of weddings.
The first thing I do is ask the bride.. What is the most important thing about your wedding? They usually say their 'dress", their "photos", the "location"..

I then remind them.. "The most important thing about this is that you get to marry the person you love more than anything or anyone else in the world.. No matter what happens, we will make sure that is the best part."

Your son and thos girl are grown ups. I think it is embarrassing that They expect you all to pay for anything when you already do so much for the children.

When you do your taxes this year. try to piece together how much it is costing you to care for these children. Your care as opposed to hiring a caregiver.. Meals, transportation, deductibles for meds and appts.. Clothing etc..

I also do encourage you all if you do not already have this child signed up, to apply for all of the federal and state support possible. This is what we all pay taxes for .. You are not alone. Your son needs to grow up and take care of his own family.

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Is this little twit going to move into your house as well?? I think at 27 and 37 (living off your parents for three years) they are capable of paying for a wedding within their budget. I'm not getting the warm, fuzzy feeling that she is his partner for life.

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Um, this is a MAN who is wanting treatment like a baby. When is he going to start wiping his own bottom and acting like a big boy?

You will ruin her wedding if you don't cover the rehearsal dinner? That is nonsense coming from a mooch. Hello, she's marrying a grown man who should cover that himself. Wow, kick them out NOW... don't wait until they are married! I know you said you made it clear they are to be out by May... but, I seriously doubt they will leave without a lot of hassle and whining... and you having to keep reminding them that they have far exceeded their welcome.

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You are not being unreasonable and had I heard that comment from her...I would have used the phrase "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." However, she will be your DIL so that probably wouldn't go over well. At this point they are adults and are responsible for their own wedding. Where are her parents in all of this? She has accepted your son with significant strings attached i.e. past marriages and children with one of them needing special care. She knows this and has accepted your son's marriage proposal knowing all this... If she doesn't like it tough. You said they make more than you do then guess what she needs to suck it up and be a mature adult instead of a bridezilla! She is quite selfish in her request. If you give in and pay for it and are upset that will be on your shoulders and your fault. if your son has issues with you not contributing then you have the conversation with him like...

"David" I know you've had your ups and downs and now your future looks promising and stable but regardless of this being Jane's first marriage we have already paid what we can for the first two. We also are contributing significantly to our granddaughter's care. As much as we would love to help and support you we simply can not afford to do so. You and Jane do quite well professionally and I am sure you will be able to work out all the arrangements to your liking. We will continue to love and support you both in the best way we can but simply can't financially. We hope you come to understand this etc....

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Seriously? I'd laugh in his face. THey are being completely unreasonable. It's marriage #3 for him. He needs to man up and make the wedding nice for her. Her parents can contribute to it for HER, and if you want to make a gift out of something to be nice, go ahead. But wow - he's got some nerve.

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No offense, but the fiance's comment made me think "beeoctch" with a capital B (and I'm not normally one to jump to that conclusion!). And that your son should allow her to say that, and not correct her, whoa (maybe he wasn't around when she said it?).

You are not being unreasonable at all. Not at all. Sit down and do the math the them and let him and her know exactly where the money is going--that it is already going to the welfare of the family she is marrying into (because she's not just marrying the guy, she also becoming a stepmom).

According to what little etiquette I know, parents chip in for the first wedding of their child, if they want/have the means/the child agrees, and the child is responsible for the rest of the expenses of any 2nd, 3rd, etc. weddings. Of course, parents can offer to help for 2nd, 3rd, etc., but since the whole point was that the first would be the only, that's why it's considered tacky to have the parents foot the bill for the rest.

I really really hope that she has enough sense to feel ashamed of what she said. Because it's not just her day, but their day. And it's not just 1 day, but the rest of their lives.

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Wow! I would have told both of them they are nuts! I would have look at my son and said, I paid for the first two marriages, this one is on you!!!! Why isn't the mother paying any type of support for these kids? Does the child qualify for any state assistance? I would start putting the burden back on him. Also, does this 27 year old have any clue about a special needs child? This seems to be a recipe for disaster. Your son should be paying for the rehearsal dinner not you.

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I do not think you are obligated to pay for any of it. We paid for most of our wedding, uhhmm I mainly did, but graciously accepted the help my parents did give us. In fact, I remember writing the check to the restaurant the night of our rehearsal dinner...

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The girl sounds like a bit of a brat. Otherwise, I would suggest you do something nice for her like an extravegent spa card or a sentimental piece of jewelry. She does deserve a special day, and by all means, you should be encouraging and generous to her. But to pay for another rehearsal? NO!

For me, the issue isn't even the 3 weddings with multiple children. A man can grow and change and learn and become a good husband and have a stable marriage in the future, theoretically. However, you can't afford it. That is all that matters. A first wedding, maybe you should have been expected to save some money towards. But if you don't have the money, then that's that.

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I think you all have some growing up to do.

Now I figure you might be taken aback by my first sentence. Maybe that's a good thing. What I mean by that, and what I hope you take away from my saying it, is that you have allowed these two people in your lives to feel entitled to your money, your time, your efforts, as if you made these children he fathered, as if an adult child has the right to live with his parents this long, and that it is okay to sponge off of family who make less money. This is YOUR doing.

What you need to do is decide on the money number you are willing to spend on this rehearsal dinner, tell them, and say NO MORE regardless of what extra you decide to include. If you don't, the extravagance that this "little girl" will demand will go way above your budget. This includes the notion that you will take off of work to watch the children. And this includes deducting the expense of your travel since she has changed the venue. Upshot - THEY pay for the overage, period.

Then you tell both of them that you will not be paying anything for the wedding and that it is not up to you to make her "dream" come true. And leave it at that. If they whine, tell them that they are not children anymore and need to stop acting like it.

If they threaten you in any way to pull the kids, tell them that is fine, that they can pay someone to take care of them. They will only threaten - they won't do it. AND, if by some miracle they do? It will teach them a lesson and they will have to manage their money like REAL adults. You need to give them that opportunity.

Stop being the cash cow. Stop being the bank. How will your son and his wife EVER be a couple with you always being their safety net? Is this why he is soon to be on his 3rd marriage? Because he doesn't know how to be a responsible adult?

You KNOW the answer to all of your questions. You are just being a pushover. When you think of compromising for the sake of peace, what you are really doing is being a doormat so that you don't have to hear how awful you are.

If you want to stop enabling bad behavior, and indeed, DESTRUCTIVE behavior that keeps your son from being the adult he needs to be, then demand accountablility from him and stop giving him handouts. When he calls demanding something, respectfully say that you are not able to do it, and hang up the phone.

It would do you ALL some good to have a break from each other. It would teach him to stand on his own feet, and enable you to find your backbone.

Good luck,
D.

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My parents paid for my first wedding and the rehearsal dinner (long story). I paid for my divorce and my next wedding. Sorry it is a one of, that and I don't think I would like to set that example since I have four kids, ya know?

My new in laws actually paid for the rehearsal dinner but we had already budgeted for it. They just beat us to the bill.

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We paid for our own wedding as well. I don't think parents should be ''obligated'' to pay for their children's wedding, ESPECIALLY when they don't have the means to. I would respectfully decline to your future daughter in law. How will you be ''ruining'' her wedding day as she claims, if your son and she have the means to pay for their own day? I don't think it's fair. If she chooses to throw a fit because her day is ''ruined'', that's her issue and not yours.

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You seem like you have it figured out :-) Your SWH post is great! Dance, and be happy you will have your lives back!

3 moms found this helpful

I think you made a big compromise agreeing to pay for the rehersal dinner. I thought the bride's family paid for the wedding, or is that not the thing any longer. Anyway, I think they, or at least he, should pay for the wedding since it is his third. I don't know if there's a cut-off, but to be honest, if I had paid for the first, I doubt I would have even paid for the second so you are doing way more than I would have.

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AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

Since you work full time and they work full time, who takes care of the kids on a regular basis? I would learn to say NO...or chances are you will be paying for his 4th wedding too! No to babysitting during your work week. No to spending money you don't have to spend. No to discussing things with her that you should be discussing with your son.

This young lady sounds pretty self-centered. How is she with your grandchildren? Is their mother or mothers still in the picture?

Maybe you husband should speak with your son and suggest that he "grow a pair"!

Blessings.....

Cutoff Period? Oh YES!

Hopefully, you and your husband have not been "buying" your son's love and he appreciates all you have done for his children.

The 28 year old "bride to be", needs a serious reality check. A rehearsal dinner? Well if it's spaghetti and meat balls at your home and your very grown son provides drinks and dessert, not a problem. If your son and his very YOUNG fiance want a party at a restaurant.....THEY foot the bill!

Perhaps if you draw the line in the sand, the happy couple might call off the wedding....and from what you describe, that might be the best thing that could happen for your son and his children.

The girl sounds far to immature to take on a new husband and family (especially a child with special needs).

Blessings.....

3 moms found this helpful

You don't have to pay anything you don't want to. I would say what you said here, that you've already paid for 2 weddings, are taking care of his child, pay his living expenses, etc. He's had 3 years to get something together and hasn't done it on his own.

When I married at 26, it was my first wedding. It was DH's 2nd. We didn't ask either side to pay for anything. My wedding was my expense, and we didn't even have a dinner. I was a fully-employed, responsible adult. I felt that since I was old enough to make the choice to marry, I was old enough to foot the bill. It wasn't 1800 and there was no dowry. Since you've agreed, leave it at that and no more.

I think that the cutoff is when you decide it is. He's getting remarried and both of them are not young adults. If you don't do it, they'll have to figure it out. This extended adolescence so many people cling to drives me crazy. My own 22 yr old stepson was floored when we said he'd pay rent to live here after graduation. Well, duh! You cost us money! You contribute! You want all the fun but none of the responsibility? Not in my house!

I would wait a bit and then give them a deadline and say, "We can no longer pay for x and since I know that you and Fiancee both work and this is your new household now, we expect you to take responsibility for your own lives." If you can still watch the kids, then do so, but I think that people who keep mooching off Mom and Dad will only stop when Mom and Dad close the bank.

I have to wonder if your son is getting married for the 3rd time at 36 because he doesn't take responsibility.

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He's 36 and it is well beyond time for you to cut the strings. I know it is wonderful to do for your grandchildren and to help out but it seems as though he is taking advantage of you.

First wedding or one hundred and first wedding doesn't matter, if you don't want to pay you should be black mailed into paying. Traditionally it isn't the responsibility for the man's parents to pay any part of the wedding festivities. It is the woman's parents and family that would be resposible to pick up the tab for the wedding. It is however the husband's responsibililty traditionally to provide the fabulous honeymoon.

Long story short they are both grown and should be footing their own bill. The kids will be fine. You must not allow these two soon to be married people manipulate you with the kids. It is just very pitiful and pathetic. Personally people both men and women figure out what to do for their kids minus family. Don't get me wrong family is important but so is your village of friends for taking care of the kids.

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Um, no, you're not being unreasonable. Just like it's HER first wedding, it's your son's THIRD. Neither of those things are your fault. It's just fact. And she needs to grow up and deal with it.

Don't let her guilt you into anything, please. Given that she did, she already sounds like a *delightful* contribution to your family.

I would put a fixed dollar amount on what you'll pay for the rehearsal dinner, make them aware of it, and that THEY are responsible for anything over that amount. If she doens't like it, tough. Here in the land of grown ups, we accept reality and deal with consequences.

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Well, if there's not an "official cut off" for responsibility--there SHOULD be! LOL
While I think you are being kind and generous by hosting the rehearsal dinner, I don't think you "have" to.
It may be her first wedding, but it's YOUR third rodeo.
More disturbing still is how your son plans to support his new bride AND his two children from here out when he hasn't been able to support himself and his kids until now?
Hopefully, his existing children aren't going to "ruin" her LIFE and FIRST marriage when she is sure that you not paying for a rehearsal dinner would.
I understand it is her first wedding, but if they can't afford to "live" then they don't need to be taking on the expense of a wedding when, very obviously, all of the money could be put to far better use than creating a Princess For A Day.
I hope her attitude improves with time and she doesn't continure to act as an entitled child.
All the best!

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Decide how much you can contribute to your son and family, both time and money, and gently inform him of the boundaries of your gift. As long as they know up front, and if they familiar with you setting boundaries and sticking to them, then the conversation should go well. Do it from a standpoint of, "This is what we can afford to give to you."

We paid for our wedding, too. Our parents decided what would be their contribution, without solicitation, and it was the first marriage for the both of us.

I hope the marriage works out for them. His fiance seems to have expectations of others outside of acceptable boundaries. Has it been discussed who will be taking care of the children when they move out? Will you be expected to care for them for free? Think long range and set your boundaries for that during the same conversation.

Best wishes

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I think that after the FIRST the second and third are up to the person. I am holding off my own wedding because we can not affoard to marry this year and the only known contributors are his parents - they are paying for the open bar. Traditions on the wedding have changed greatly and for the most part couples are paying for their own weddings it is just where the times are leading us. I would offer as a wedding gift a few "anytime anywhere sitter cards" but once those are "used" they are gone and all sitting has to be pre arragned if those are not being used.

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Why do you pay a lot of their living expenses if they make more money than you do?... Is there time to stop paying those living expenses and put it toward the rehearsal dinner so you kind of break even? Then you could say "sure, we'll throw you a $5k rehearsal dinner but ya know what - you're gonna have to start paying for x, y and z that we've been paying for as we can't afford to do it all. And you'll have to hire an outside nanny for 3 days a week so I can work more to make more money." Then no financial impact to you and it'll be a reminder what you're already spending. I'd try to work something like that in. I think they're both being ridiculous. But it's really your son who should say "sorry but my parents have already paid for 2 weddings for me. No way am I asking the to pay again. I'll pay for the rehearsal dinner." So she's being a brat but your son is also being weak and not manning up. I'd have a talk with him...

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Oof. DH and I footed our own wedding. It would have cost us LESS if we didn't have to invite all the people that MIL invited to DH's 2 sisters wedding. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is your son's fiance paying for anything? Because.....she should, too.

Your son is an adult. You have already given him many gifts. It is his turn to take the reigns.

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Traditionally the brides parents pay for the wedding and are the host and hostess, the bride and groom are the guests of honor. The groom's parents pay for the rehersal dinner and the brides bouquet.

If you are paying for the rehearsal dinner, you set the budget and location. You do not have to go to a restuarant. You could have a party at your home.

Go to the library and get some wedding etiquette books. Go through them and show the bride exactly what your responsibilities are as parents of the groom.

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I see his fiance's point of view to an extent - in her mind, this is her first wedding, it's not her child (if I'm understanding correctly) and she doesn't live with you. So while you are financially supporting your son to a large extent, his fiance is not benefiting from it in the same way. She is probably going with tradition and expecting the groom's family to pay for the rehearsal dinner, as is pretty common.

All that said, she certainly shouldn't tell you that you would ruin her wedding if you didn't pay. That is selfish, childish, and doesn't take into account everything that you're doing for your son.

Weddings tend to stir up a lot of emotion. It's rare to hear of a wedding with no issues over money and other details. Girls have so many dreams, ideas and expectations of the perfect wedding and can turn into Bridezilla if anything goes against that dream. If you can afford it, you are doing the right thing by biting your tongue and paying for the dinner. It's a gesture of goodwill towards your son and future daughter in law. But if it's going to put you in a bad spot financially, then stand up for yourself and say no.

The expectation will never stop. As long as you continue to help out and support him, he will continue to expect it. You have to have a conversation with him if you want things to change.

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My husband and I were both 23 when we married. The ONLY thing my inlaws paid for for our wedding was the tuxes and the rehearsal dinner, which they forgot about due to decorating the hall taking FOREVER! and ended up being Subway footlong sandwhiches at 9pm the night before the wedding. My rehearsal dinner cost a grand total of @ $60. Including a dozen cookies for dessert!

I would think paying for the rehearsal dinner, or even just hosting a rehearsal dinner would be a nice gesture. You get to plan it. You control the cost of it. Just don't let the bride in on the decisions, and you won't have to explain the costs or lack of. Oh, and whatever you do, if you host it at a restaurant, make sure eveyone knows that alcohol is NOT included. That can run up the tab like nobody's business!

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My husband and I appreciated our parents' help in our (first and only) wedding, but we did not expect them to pay for everything, or indeed, anything. [Well, I think my husband perhaps expected his dad to pay for the rehearsal dinner because that's tradition and he had paid for his other sons' rehearsal dinners, but I didn't expect it, since he was in his mid-30s when we got married, and had been on his own for quite some time.] I was still living with my widowed mother, and while she gave us a nice cash present for our wedding, paid for almost nothing of it. My FIL did pay for the rehearsal dinner, and my MIL did some decorations (they're divorced), but they were both so far from where we got married, and with us being so old (compared to the traditional late-teens and/or early 20s for getting married) that I didn't *expect* them to do anything, and was just appreciative that they did anything.

I don't think you owe it to your son to pay for his THIRD rehearsal dinner, and it **certainly** isn't "ruining her wedding" if you refuse to pay for it; however, it sounds like it's a big deal to your DIL, so you should probably suck it up and pay for it to start her inclusion into your family off on the right foot and to avoid future arguments with her, but do so ON YOUR TERMS. In other words, if she is expecting you to pay for 50 or 100 guests at an expensive restaurant, try not to laugh in her face, but put your foot down and say that you will host a rehearsal dinner, as a favor to HER [since it's her first wedding even though it's your son's third], but you are going to be in charge of deciding where it will be, the menu, the price, etc.

As a starting-off point to think of frugal options so that you can indulge your daughter-in-law without breaking your budget, is for me to relate the rehearsal dinner my husband and I had (which was extremely low-key and fairly inexpensive but very delicious and appreciated rehearsal dinner; I think it cost about $250). My husband was from Chicago, so he brought half-baked-and-then-frozen pizzas from a delicious pizzeria in his area, and then we finished cooking them in the church's ovens. His mother made and/or brought some simple decorations (pizza/Italian-themed plates, napkins, table runners, etc.) and dessert. I guess we brought soft drinks as well, and that's about it!

Other families I know have gotten several women together on the groom's side and made a huge potluck and/or homemade meal -- several pans of enchiladas, with huge bowls of rice and beans and some cakes for dessert.

It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive -- they'll be just as married with a frugal rehearsal dinner as with an expensive one, or with no rehearsal dinner at all!

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The reason parents traditionally pay for weddings is because people used to get married right after high school, before they were financially independent.

All parties in this situation are working. Even if it were your son's first wedding, because he's been working for years, it should never be a requirement that you pay for anything. Our parents did pay for much of our wedding, but we told them (because we were both working) that we'd be happy paying much more and having it be a much smaller affair (i.e., backyard bbq). My parents wanted a bigger party, and wanted to invite their friends, so they did most of it. But it was not our demand. That's how it should be when the bride and groom are already on their own--any money given to them for wedding/rehearsal is completely optional and they should be grateful for the gift.

Because it's the third wedding, you son should be telling you that he is taking care of the rehearsal dinner himself. The bride shouldn't even concern herself with that.

As for child care, simply tell them that you'd love to spend the time with your grand kids, but you don't have those days off, and you're sorry you cant do it.

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I would agree to pay for the rehearsal dinner but would make it somewhere low key like a pizza place or somewhere that does the food family style. Is it possible to rent the hall connected to the church to do the rehearsal dinner there? I would absolutely not pay for a big fancy dancy thing. are they staying with you after the wedding?

WTH. I think you and your husband should decide on a dollar amount, write a check to them, and say "Here is your gift. Use it however you want, be it towards the rehearsal dinner, a place of YOUR OWN to live, whatever."

The fiance is manipulating you. Where will it end? Soon she'll be telling you that you're ruining their kids' birthday if you don't foot the bill for the party. Or you're ruining their summer if you don't pay for their vacation. She will continue to manipulate you, if you let her. You and your husband need to sit down with your son and his fiance and set some boundaries, ASAP. I hope your husband will back you up and your son will participate in the discussion so that it doesn't wind up being you vs. your future daughter-in-law. That's not fair.

Good luck.

Dear L,

I haven't read any of the other posts but my answer to your question is YES there is a cut off time and it is now.!!

I can tell you from my own experience with in-laws and the tweener ( go between instead of getting it all out in the open together)...I would not talk to just your son. I would get both of them together and let them know how excited you are for them but this is what you can/can't do or will/won't do and set clear boundaries, NOW!!!

Let them know that you can (only if you really want to) pay for rehearsal dinner at your home otherwise, they need to figure something else out and that includes daycare for the kids. Or if you really want to help out then give them a certain dollar amt. as gift and be done with it. They have to come up with the rest. Personally, I'd be leaning toward letting son pay for his rehearsal dinner. Don't let manipulative behavior guilt trip you into doing anything you really can't afford.

BTW, we paid for our own wedding, too. At the wedding, my parents gave us $500.00 and his dad did pay for the rehearsal dinner but that was b/c of his showy wife.

Moral to story...set boundaries...NOW! Otherwise, you are in for a great deal more of feeling put out by circumstances they create.

Best wishes,
KP

Um, your responsiblity stops at the FIRST one. I would let Miss Thang know that while she has been living it up single for the past few years, you and Dad have been footing the bill and responsibility. This is your son's problem. He is being horrible for letting his 3rd wife to be bully you after all you have done for him. I am angry for you. The heck with keeping the peace. YOu should not have to pay for anything having to do with this wedding since he lives with his Mommy already. Babysitting also not your job.

Yea this one is right up there with my stepdaughter trying to make her broke family pay for parts of her giant wedding. If you are GROWN your parents should not have to pay for your wedding. Especially if you have been married before.

Ok, here is my question. If he has a special needs child, does that child receive a check? The reason why I am asking is because I have filled out so many forms for parents as a teacher of children with special needs in the past. Another question is: If your son is making a 'good' salary, why are you having to pay for his child? I do not understand and furthermore, if this is the case I am wondering if the new wife is going to take care of her husband's special needs child? There are a lot of issues here that need to be taken care of and it was presumptious of the soon to be wife to expect or it seems demand that you all take care of the rehearsal dinner. My mom always says, "Don't start something you cannot finish." This could become a problem in the future and you and your husband may be left holding the bag.

I think you need to get some things straight--and quick. Especially before the wedding. She needs to realize that she is marrying a man who has been married twice before and that he has 2 children. When she says "I do", she becomes an instant mom. She will share the responsibility with your son of taking care and supporting the children. That doesn't mean that you won't help or offer support, just that it's not your sole responsibility any more.

As for the wedding, again, she knows she is marrying a man who has been married twice before. She should not expect you to pay for anything and it is extremely generous that you are paying for the rehearsal dinner.

The way you respond to your son's and fiance's demands (I don't consider them requests at all) will set the foundation for the rest of your lives. There doesn't seem to be any respect for you and your husband. They are adults and should be taking responsibilty for themselves, including financially. I was 26 when I married and paid for it all, I didn't ask my parents for a penny.
Good luck.

I only pay for my children's first weddings. Anything after that is their deal, especially if they are adults.
I would also be careful with how much you "help" with the kids. They will end up being your responsibility all the time or too much of the time.