Overbearing Grandparents (My Parents)

I had some problems with my mother in law and my mom. They got along quite nicely the problem I had is both of them saying different things that I do wrong..according to them.
My mom was much worse because it continued much longer. My dad backed me up. First I told my mom nicely that I respected her opinion but it was hard to listen to her constant critism (sp wr) when we were together. My parents have three children but we were all spaced a bit farther apart. My husband and I had three children within 6 yrs. My house is not as neat as my parents but I am a clean and organized person. Nothing gross. The toys are quite often all over the family room. The dining table usually has mail all over it.
I know this is slobby but sometimes I have more important issues at hand. Like taking my kids to the park. Making sure my middle son stays in bed. Sometimes he gets out of bed mult times.
Anyhow I am open to peoples comments as long as they say it once and its not nasty.

Stay firm with your parents. Remind them that your are now an adult. Your respect them but you feel that they are not respecting your desccions.They don't have to agree with you on your decsions.(sp wr)Tell them that grandparents hold a special part of a childs heart.
When you are in my house you have to respect my rules and be gracious.

Mom and dad did your your parents agree with everything that you decided to do when you both became parents?? How did it make you feel. I want to embrace our relationship. I don't want any strife with either of you. This is a non issue. We love you. We are on the same team. We want the same things. We want to give the baby good values and treat people the way we deserve to be treated. Tell them life is too short and you don't want to have any regrets. You want both of them visiting often. They need to be respectful.
I hope this helps. Denise at ____@____.com

Dear M., I can so relate! My Mother-In-Law used to believe that we have great kids inspite of their parents (especially me), not BECAUSE of their parents. She would do many of the things you speak of and really it boils down to disrespect and control issues. My advice to you is for BOTH of you to sit down and talk to your parents. Quite honestly, being your parents it must be you doing most of the talking, but one thing I learned from my mistake, I should have been there to support my wife the times she has had to talk to her Mom, if anything just for moral support; but if anything it shows your parents a unified front. First, regardless of your beliefs I would say a prayer between you that God give you the heart to be able to speak to your parents from a heart of love, not your anger and frustration as nothing would be heard then. As far as what ou could say is something like; "You know Dad and Mom we need you to know we are thankful for your help wih our kids but we need you to know that there are things that both of you do that quite frankly cause us great hurt and resentment and I can't believe being your daugher that you would do these things voluntarily knowing the pain that they cause. First Dad, we need you to now that we don't appreciate you saying such hateful, predjudicial and rude remarks about people in front of the children; what you are teaching them is to be rudeful and hateful instead of the loving and respectful children we would hope, like us, you would like to see them be. It's especially painful that you do it just so you can "push my buttons". I would hope with all my heart Dad that you love me and respect me more than that and realize I am not only no longer a child, but your grown daughter worthy of your respect and prayerfully your admiration. Secondly, we need you to know that though it is indeed a great thing to behold seeing your grandchild do things for the first time, it is with sadness that we realize that due to our circumstances and trying to support our children that we, especially me Mom, will miss out on many of these opportunities and the way you tell us does not seem like it's coming from proud Grandparents but instead feels like you are rubbing it into our faces which causes us even more pain to miss out on such great events in our kids lives. Please understand we love you both but when you love someone it is supposed to be expressed in such a way as to lift someone up instead of making them feel even worse about where they may be at. We have asked in the past for you to refrain from doing things and yet it seems to fall on deaf ears and Mom and Dad. I, as your loving daughter, and my husband simply don't understand how you could want to cause us such pain when it is your support and help that is needed. As much as it would break both of our hearts to do, we have to tell you that if you insist on instilling hateful, predjudicial thoughts on our children, let alone be teaching them at the same time that it is alright to disrespect your own family members, which wheather you understand it or not, children are not dumb and they know from seeing our pain that that is exactly what you are doing, then we will painfully have to seek someone else to take care of the children. We ask you to please search you hearts and ask yourselves is this truly your intentions to bring harm and pain to us all or could it be you simply don't understand the magnitude of what you are doing to our hearts? Please, we ask in love that you reconsider your ways toward us and love and respect us as much as we do you." Now M. the next part honestly could be the most hardest, following up on what you say if they continue to "push it". For us we actually had to ask my Mother-In-Law who was living with us to move out (actually for the second time for we gave in thinking things would change and alowed her to move back in after the first time). Since then, she I believe through our prayers and time, has seen that we in fact have great kids FINALLY because OF THEIR PARENTS and though there remains hurt feelings, time and prayer can heal all wounds if we allow. I will pray for you both as I know the pain that you both be going through but know that it is something that you MUST do if you are ever to get their respect not to include the fact you can't have the children receiving such mixed messages about the people around them from two sets of people they love. A family must, even if they don't understand each others ways, respect each other so that no matter what the children of the family see a united front from those who are the leaders and those who they will mimick as they get older. Be blessed!

My parents "forced" my daughter to walk for them while they were babysitting. They did it with my 3 year old when she was not quite one and they did it again with my 13 month old when she was 11 months old. They were babysitting and stood her between them and had her walk back and forth until they let go and she took steps on her own. It was heart breaking for me since I had been working with her to learn how to walk. So I understand what you went through with that. I don't have my daughters in day care because I want to witness all of those special first time moments for myself. My parents do not understand why this upset me so much so I gave up on talking to them about it. My Mom also cleans my house and folds my laundry. I have four children and sometimes she will come over 3 days in a row and see the same baskets of unfolded clothes. She and my Father mentioned to me that it seems like I can't keep up with everything. Well I had them babysit all 4 kids once for me and she tried to fold my laundry. My 1 year old wanted hugs every 30 seconds and as soon as she would fold something and put it in a basket my baby came toddling over and ripped it out and threw it on the floor!! My Dad picked up all of the toys while they were here that night and the baby followed him around pulling things back out and throwing them on the floor. Ever since that night they have not mentioned my cluttered house! Good luck to you with your situation. It is normal. I feel your pain!

ok, it's not so normal for MOST families, but there are some out there (like mine and a few of my friends) that are like that and the only thing i can say is (starting with the cleaning) tell your mother that if she touches another thing in your house AFTER you've already cleaned, she can come and clean EVERY time and you won't bother (that should, but may not get the point across, and if it doesn't, explain) as for your father, tell him point blank, if he doesn't shut his mouth about the racist remarks that you obviously don't want your child around that he WON'T be seeing your child anymore and since he doesn't care that it bothers you to say those things, you don't care if it bothers him that he's not allowed to see your child....it would be different if you didn't care, but you obviously do so you need to set him straight and tell him off. it's YOUR child, YOUR family, and YOUR home...NOT HIS! you have every right to tell him to get out and deny them access to your child if they're going to go against your wishes!

I think ALL parents get on our nerves when we have a baby. I just had my first and I try to talk to my Mom about things that excite me and she doesnt listen while I am talking. And everything my baby does is because grandma fed her or put her to bed because she just "loves her grandma". So all the cute little stories about her are falling on deaf ears. It is sooooo irritating. I think itis their job to annoy us doing stuff like that so we can then do it to our children. DOnt stress too much but definitely let them know you are serious about how much that stuff bothers you.

Hi M....

My father sounds a bit like your parents, and guess what? He's not allowed to be with our children alone. I refuse to raise critical, judgemental, racists...it's just not happening in our home.

There's a lot more to my story, but that's not the point...the point is...THEY ARE YOUR KIDS~! They are your responsibility...raise them to be honest and true...and if your parents feelings are hurt, well that's not good...but better than the alternative...as for mom cleaning...let her! It's busy when you have a young child...I wish someone would do that for me!!!

Stand your ground...believe me, I know it's not easy...Your parents may back away completely...I think it's hard for parents to let go...even when their kids are grown with kids of their own!

Best wishes.
J.

I had a very similar problem with my parents. The worst thing was that there was someone nearby we really didn't want our kids to see, because we feared for their safety, but my parents thought we were silly and would disregard our feelings. Eventually, I arranged a meeting with just them and me, and told them this is how it's going to be: you are not seeing the kids on their own again, until you can prove that we can trust you to follow our guidelines. You don't have to agree with them, just follow them, because you know that as parents it is our job to do what we think is best for our children. They weren't too happy, so we stopped all contact. My kids were still under 3, so this wasn't a big deal for the kids. After some time, I had another meeting, and said look, if you are prepared to agree on following guidelines even if you don't think they're right, then we will wipe the slate clean and start over. There were a few minor mishaps, but not many and nothing major - things like they gave the kids undiluted juice because they forgot one of them has no enamel on her teeth and is really prone to decay. Or they let them play on the computer (typing, not internet) when I said I'd rather they didn't because then they come home expecting to be allowed to touch the computer. These things are annoying, but not a huge deal. The kids can learn that some rules are different, as long as the main things (consideration, kindness, staying healthy and safe) are the same.

Hi M.,

NO, this is not normal. Making derogatory comments, is completly inappropriate. And the "guess what" is cruel. And what parent would think it was funny to "push your buttons".

Grandparents will always have their own rules and there's no use in trying to change them. The rules I'm reffering to are giving them snacks, ignoring bedtimes, letting them watch too much tv, etc.Your mom cleaning everything and rearraning your cabinets is also normal.

Did your parents treat you like this when you were growing up? How do you feel about it now? Is this truly the environment you want for your child?

I would do everything possible to limit your parent's babysitting. Do you have another babysitter? If you have no other options, then you're going to have to do your best to deal with it. The more you ask them to stop, the more they'll continue.

Good luck.

Sounds like my mother in law. With my second I stayed home and told everyone I was making my own baby food and not to buy jars please. So what did my mother in law do everytime she came up?? She would go to BJ's and buy two cases of the stuff. Know what I did? Took all back as soon as she left. Most of the stuff you mentioned, you're just going have to let roll off you shoulders. The comments though need to be addressed soon. Your son is going to start to understand them. When my parents or in-laws suggest certain things or say certain things, I usually just say "You're not allowed to do or say that anymore". It works, then they laugh and say well you came out alright. Good luck, inlaws are a trial, but at least you know you have a good babysitter and don't have to worry about who you leave your son with...

I agree with the others. Time to set ground rules. This is your home and your husband and your child and your life. They gave you life and you need to respect them, but as an adult and mother and wife, they need to know that they are not the ones running your household and paying your bills and raising your child, that you are and that you will not tolerate their behavior. I would not say cut them off from you and your family entirely, but i would say, find a new babysitter, and when they ask why you don't have the babysit, tell them honestly but with love that you are not comfortable with the things they are teaching your son about racism and treating you and your husband with disrespect and you don't want him to think you approve of this and you don't want him to start following thier lead in the way he treats you. (which by the way is the way he will treat you if you allow it to continue) And then start visiting them at their house, that way when they start with the fowl remarks, you are making a statement by leaving politely and lovingly, but telling them that you don't want your child exposed to these remarks. it may be painful for all involved for a while, but it will show your son that it is not acceptable behavior and that you won't have it in your house. That you love your parents and will take you to see them, but that you will not allow them to feed his mind with thier racism and treating you with disrespect in your home or their home.
just remember to always treat them the way that you want to be treated, your son is watching, and to treat your husband the way that you want your son to treat him, he is watching. then he will grow up to be a fine young man dispite your parents teachings at this point. T.

Unfortunately, you cannot change your parents' behavior, but you CAN change how you react. FOr instance, if they say "guess what-he walked!" You could say, "oh, I guess I forget to tell you he started walking last week", or "isn't that nice that you were here to see it!".

However, in regards to the derogatory comments, I agree with others who have said that you need to talk to them. I would sit them down, during a time when you aren't feeling stressed or on edge, face to face, and tell them that your goal is to raise your child to be respectful of other people and differences between people and that if they can't contribute towards that goal that they can't spend time with your son. PERIOD. I'm sure that having the free babysitting is great, but you may have to find an alternative.

Hmmmmmmm... Probably one of the biggest problems in our relationships is to know what position everyone plays. I would think that most of this hurts more because as your parents you really wish they would be more tactful and sensitive. When you have children, it doesnt always happen that way with our family members, and it makes it difficult, because these are the people you are looking to for guidance and support. Cleaning after you clean... she thinks she's helping... or making herself comfortable... is it you feel offended.. or is your space invaded? Having your buttons pushed is a very uncomfortable feeling. Is it annoying ... or just childish .
How about they babysit at their house?
One last thought .. driving you and your husband crazy?
You, on the one hand have known them all of your life.. your husband hasnt... ???
It will only be whatever you want it to be.. cleaning could be looked at as helpful.. babysitting too.. you could also look at the first this or that as wonderful that it happened with grandma and grandpa.. and that they will always cherish that even when he goes to the prom :)
Your perception is your reality... give the love you want and then you will feel it back from them.. in the form of maybe not pushing your buttons or being more sensitive to what they should or shouldnt say..

M.,

I don't really have a ton of advise, but I can sympathize!! You described my in-laws to a tee!! Our daughter is 3 now and I have finally said to my husband that he needed to tell his parents, especially his father, that if he didn't play by our rules, then they were not going to be able to babysit. As far as the racist remarks, I have started repremanding them in front of my daughter and telling her that it's not ok to make comments like that. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

Good luck, and let me know if you come up with any good solutions.

You need to lay down some ground rules and have a serious talk with your parents. They can really do some damage especially with the racist etc. comments and you cannot allow the disrespect towards you when they push your buttons. Have you told them in a serious non angry way that it's not funny and very hurtful when they say things about how he crawled. Even if they act like you're overreacting by saying that, you are not. you need to tell them that it really hurts your feelings and that you would appreciate it if they stop. They are showing a lot of disrespect towards you and your entire family. You need to tell them that they need to follow certain rules and you need to be specific, not vague. you need to give them a list verbally or written of what they can't do. And you need to show them with actions, not just words that you are serious. You need to be clear, please do not clean up my house, that is my job, I appreciate that you want to help, that's great, but it makes me feel like you think I am incompetent at keeping my house clean so please don't clean my house. You need to really lay out details and be direct and clear but not angry. If you don't abide my these boundaries you will not be able to be alone with our child. I love you and know that you don't mean to hurt us, but I am telling you now that you are hurting our family and I need this to stop. If they act like you're crazy and oversensitive, ignore it you are right.
good luck

If you don't like what they are doing you shouldn't let them babysit or see your children as much as they'd like. Maybe that will change their attitudes and behavior towards you and your feelings. Normal is different for everyone. I always correct my parents or my in-laws if they do something around my kids or with my kids that I don't like. If they don't listen, or worse, if they intentionally do things to upset me- BYE BYE!!!

Deff. not normal. sorry to be so harsh, but they NEED to respect yours and your husbands wishes. I would give them an altimatum. follow your rules or don't see your child. I'm sure you do not want your child to repeat the same comments or have a bad outlook on "diffrent" people. If I were you I would have a heart to heart with them and let them know exactly how you feel and that you mean business.

as for the cleaning, let her do it! as that will free up some of your time! lol.

good luck and best wishes...

S.

Communication is key in every situation. Start with a talk when things are quiet and not in the middle of when your Dad is "pushing your buttons". Be clear and concise with what you want and expect. Try not to get emotional (my problem). Finally, if they do exhibit questional behavior in front of your children, stop what you are doing and explain to the children in from of the offender and, "the behavior is unacceptable and don't follow grandpop's behavior because it is not the way to act or speak about others". A few times of that and the offender should get the hint. Then the kids will start to get on them to stop. Also it teaches the kids when they hear or see a friend or classmate doing something wrong not to follow in their example as well.

My parents and my mother-in-law all smoke and every time they smoke and my kids can see them I point out how bad it is and how smelly ect... Then when we go to the mall and people are outside smoking, my kids repeat back to me all the bad things about smoking they have heard me say.

D.

Sounds like you need to have a SERIOUS chat with your folks, as that is definitely NOT normal. Telling them that they cannot see your child (and following through with the threat if they do not comply right away) until they start respecting and following you and your husband's rules may sound harsh, but it may be the only way to get it to sink in that you mean business. It sounds like it is very important to them to be a part of your lives, so I can't imagine that they wouldn't change their ways for you both once they realize just how important is is to you. Best of luck!

Unless they can abide by the rules of YOUR house, then they can't come over. You have a responsibilty to your son (and husband!) and tell then you have a no tolerance rule on things racist, rude, etc. Once they understand the severity of the consequences -- they'll probably "get it". Good luck-I know this adds another level of stress to your life....and you don't need it!

M. - I'd have to say the "he crawled, he walked" statements are pretty normal. My Dad used to borrow my niece and pose her, standing against the couch, to prove to my sister that she "walked." We all knew he was kidding (she was 4 months old), but that was his joke. The racist comments definitely are NOT normal. My husband is Chinese, and my family knows we're trying to raise my daughter to be bi-lingual/cultural. The cleaning...yeah. That's normal. My MIL does that ALL the time. she thinks she's being helpful, and most of the time she is. I know I don't have time to get the house as clean as she can make it!

Does that help? Especially since you both work, they probably think they are being very helpful. The rude/racist comments are something MY grandparents would do - they're straight out of Hollywood, he drove a muscle car, she was on the covers of magazines...very old fashioned, very biased. It's not appropriate now. (It wasn't appropriate then, but nobody had figured that out yet.)

I am having the same exact problem with my parents. Best I can say as to how to handle it is...your the parent. If you are not comfortable then it should be known. You are in charge of what is going on. Put up the boundaries now or you are putting limits that may not be in the best interest for your child. Your child is watching. But it is hard....Good luck!

M.,

I would just suggest limiting their time with your baby, hopefully if they realize you aren't making yourself and their grandchild available to them ------they'll stop

But remember, you can't force them to change.

you can only do what's right for your child , which unfortunately means your limiting time with people who don't respect you, Nor others.

Remember your child is your responsibility, you need to protect him from getting hurt, and subjecting him to comments such as these will only cause hurt and confusion for him in the future.

Perhaps one day he will repeat them and where your family might laugh and giggle about it, the teacher will punish him and the other child might strike out, perhaps then they may even alienate him during activities.....

How will your child feel then? Confused because POPPY thinks its cute. and hurt because he has no friends.

This is NOT about your parents, its about your child,
whats right for him in the long term.

---The first time things is just his way of tormenting you, for attention.Why he wants to hurt you I can't understand,
More than likely he thinks its funny. And obviously he is immature. If your child really has made his firsts, with his grands well then there isn't much you can do about it.
Such is life.

As fare as your mom cleaning, ( HELLLLOOOOO)
Be greatful about at or send her over to my house to clean.

If you haven't learned by now---- she is planning to keep her self busy thru cleaning in order to avoid spending time with your father,

Stop cleaning before they come over let her do it,she'll do it anyway, that time is better spent with your husband and child.

think of it like a cleaning service,LOL

Hope my little tidbit helps you.

Good luck

M

Oh and PS if your mom is the one who baby sits while your at work, perhaps you should look into a paid daycare.
You can't expect them to change if they feel like they are doing you a favor.they'll just blow you off, there is no leverage.

No, it's not normal what you're going through, M.. What your parents are doing is not nice. I haveto say one thing and it may sound harsh, but they are not taken you seriously. You may haveto bar them from seeing their grandchild and only see him when you are around. Yes, supervise them. They are not taking you seriously and the remarks they make, will have a horrible impact on your son and he will pick up on it and then you will have a hard time with him. You can't discipline him because he is hearing and seeing those bad behaviors. I know, I have three boys and I haveto help them to say the right things when they hear bad things. One thing to think and be prepared and ready, if your parents don't like it and want to go to court, they can win IF you don't tell the judge why you are stopping them from seeing their grandson. You had them see him when you're there and they keep on making those remarks and "push your buttons" and they wouldn't stop so you decided to keep him from them for a couple of weeks. It still didn't get through to them after couple of weeks so I made it four weeks. YOU ARE THE MOTHER AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND AND WITH YOUR SON!!! To be honest, I did that with one of my in-laws and he got the grip and changed. So, it worked and my husband agreed to it and it changed. Hope you stand up to them and look them in the eye and say it like it is and if they care for you and your son, they'll change. If not, then it's their loss. Let us know what happens, okay?

Hi M.,

Well, I will say that I think it's lucky that these are your parents and not your inlaws, that would be an even stickier situation in terms of how to deal with them.
I wouldn't worry about the parents trying to tell you about milestones that your baby achieved if they are babysitting. If it bothers you, just ignore them.
About the cleaning, mom may think that you're overwhelmed and is trying to give a busy working mom a hand. It may not have occurred to her that it's rude to clean someone else's home, as if assuming the house is dirty. If it really offends you, speak to her but I'd say approach it by giving her the benefit of the doubt in thinking that she is helping you.
Now, about the inappropriate comments, this is where I would get serious. Your father needs to understand that this isn't cute or funny, that it's not about making you mad for a laugh (how immature). He needs to take you seriously as an adult, and that it's not some new age fad to not have racist or similar tendencies. I think you must tell him how you are raising your child, and that he needs to keep these comments to himself or you'll have to limit his contact with the grandchild or tell his grandchild that you think grandpa has bad ideas. Your father needs to understand the world your child is growing up in - and that if your son makes a comment like that, he can be kicked out of preschool, suspended from public school, kicked out of scouts or off of a sports team. Your dad may not understand that this is simply not tolerated. My MIL would sometimes make reference to people's race - not bad comments but her story would always have to point out that the person was a "black man" and his race had nothing to do with the story and finally Dh had to tell her pointedly that we simply aren't raising our kids to separate people by race. It never occurred to her that she was doing something that could be offensive, she grew up with her parents talking that way and it didn't occur to her that the person's blackness added nothing to the story and wasn't necessary to mention
Good luck in dealing with these issues.

No that is NOT normal or healthy for your family!!! I would shut them off until they choose to change their ways. I would tell them again that until this happens they will not see your son.

You sound like you have your head on straight, what the heck happened with your parents???
They sound very immature & deceitful.

Good luck with everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the racist thing, would end it for me....that is awful.

well its normal to be overbearing, normal to want to say they saw their grandbaby do (blank) for the first time so they can tell friends- but who knows if it really happened.

but i would say the remarks are completely not normal and need to stop. you need to decide what type of child you are raising. how would you feel if he repeated thier comments, what if he said them outloud to another child at the park. children are going to be exposed to all kinds of negative things in life, but you are responsible for protecting them as much as possible. they do not need you exposing them to these things. you need to explain to your parents under no uncertain terms are they to say these things. children DO repeat, im telling you he will start saying these things. if they cannot control themselves, they should be told they will not be able to be around your son. if thats the only way they will respect you as a parent, then it must be done.

there is no excuse for parents to push you buttons as an adult mother. its very disrespectful and sounds like a game. they raised you but now you are raising your son. they should respect your decisions. as parents we pick and choose which things are parents did that we want to replicate and which we want to avoid. would you allow your child to be present if they continually cursed in front of him after being asked not to?

also, if you dont put your foot down, there may always be this ignoring your wishes, like showing up with a dirtbike after you said you didnt want him to have one. i just read this article the other day. its for mother in laws but also mothers.
http://www.vision.org/visionmedia/article.aspx?id=4316

I don't believe it's normal but it is common for grandparents to over step in different degrees...Your parents win the extreme award.

If you and your husband have already talk to them....told them how their behaviors make you feel, and they still haven't gotten with the program....then it's time for you to make some changes in how you deal with your parents.

When you were a child you didn't have control over what they said or did. You are an adult now, a wife, a mother, in your own home and do have this control now......

When they visit and their behavior is making you uncomfortable and unhappy, stop them in their tracks, put your foot down and ask them to stop. If they don't, put your foot down again and insist that they leave...

Limit their visits. Limit what you share with them about your own activities which makes limiting their visits easier to do...

If they are in the habit of just dropping in, Ask them to call first before coming so they don't make the trip for nothing. If they make a fuss about this statment, don't get involved in defending it...let it go. Next time they just drop in without calling...tell them you are about to leave....gather your family and go somewhere, locking your door behind you.. "Sorry Mom, Dad we had other plans....bye"

If they do call before coming and you don't want them to visit....Tell them right out you have other plans...or you and your family want alone time...thank them for calling and say got to go, bye. Don't get into what your plans are.

If you don't have an answering machine...time to get one, so you can screen your calls. If you aren't in the mood to deal with your parents, don't pick up....return the call at a later time. "yeah, sorry we were busy."....and change the subject.

Hire a baby sitter when you need one. "Thanks Mom but No, we already hired a sitter."

At some point your parents will get the point...or not...What is important is you are setting the rules for your household and family and your parents need to respect those rules and your feelings. Hopefully they will learn this when you begin dealing with them differently.