Should We Have a Second Child

my only concern about this is that young children need a very active parent and i went through this myself and decided i had moved beyond the willingness to devote the time and energy necessary...i think its about getting very honest with yourself about how much of you, you are now willing to give to another infant, baby, toddler, small child etc...For each woman, there are different answers. Being completely, ruthlessly honest with ourselves usually provides the answer...Good Luck! I wish you well!

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I think you should discuss it with your doctor, and if he doesn't see any problem, go for it.
My youngest brother was born when my Mom was 43, and she wasn't in great health at the time. He's now 47 years old (on the 13th of this month) and doing great. Mom just celebrated her 90th birthday in December, so you can see it didn't harm either of them!

B. R.

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I had a baby at 40, when my daughter was 9. That baby just turned 18 and is such a blessing. My older daughter went though many adjustments with the new sister, but overall it was a great decision. Now at they are great friends. Being an "older" mother it is nice to have an older(but still young) sister to back me up.

My biggest thought when Moms want to have a baby later in life, is leaving that child when their lives are just getting going and they still need us so very much in their lives still.

It is true that your now 5 year old child would most likely benefit having a sibbling to be with, providing they continue to turn to each other in later years too.

I was very healthy in my late forties too, but things started changing in my fifties and I am glad not to have a small child to have to keep up with, of course that might be different if my job wasn't so demanding. I have a hard time keeping up with my grandkids now, but am in my late 50's now.

It would be very hard for me to think of being 30 years old and my mother with all her health problems she has now, and she was quite healthly at your age too, as I am always in fear now of her having a stroke or something now.

I had a baby when my first daughter was 5 years old, and she was sooo very helpful, but I think I took advantage of that a little too much. It was hard to see her still as a very young child when I had a very small baby. If you do decide to go ahead with having another baby, and although you daughter will be all too willing to be helpful, don't take advantage of that. She still needs you too.

hi there. i wanted my daughter to have a best friend and life companion, so had 2 kids. i say the age gap isn't that big of a deal if the older kid is excited and helpful. if they are ready to be the helpful big sis, then go for it. later in life they will be glad to have each other.

Hi S.,

My oldest son is 6 years apart from my younger son and boy are they great friends. It's challenging at times for sure but when you look at just how well they get along. Well, it was worth it for him and us. My son needed that playmate he so wanted and sure enough he appreciates him everyday. Of course I am extremly hands on as a parent. Which means I lay down the law to both of them how they need to get along when they have a disagreement. I have to emphasise how important it is for them to treat eachother with respect and kindness. They work so well together and I totally don't regret having another one. It's benefited the whole family. So long as your body is kept up well, I don't see why you couldn't have another bundle of joy.

Christina

It is not too late to try if you and your husband believe it is right for you. I just had my third child at 43. I had my first two at 34 & 37 and a miscarriage at 40. It took us 3 years to decide to try again and part of me wondered what people would think. But I came to realize it doesn't matter what people think. We did what we believed was right for us. Our daughter has been the most amazing blessing to our family, and we met some of the most wonderful people during her pregnancy and birth. And also found out a lot of women are having or want to have a child in their forties. I wish you all the best.

I say if you all really want a second child, and you have the physical and emotional energy for it...then go for it. Tons of mamas are having babies in their 40's. It would be worse to have regrets...good luck.

GO FOR IT! If someone in Europe at age 65 years can have a baby, you certainly can. You are young, strong and willing. GO FOR IT!

Hi S.,

My name is B.. I have a 17 yr old girl which I thought my only daughter. Ten years later I got one which I expect, then six month later I got another one. Then I thought that is the last. On my 44th year I got pregnant to my last son.

So if you are 42, you still have plenty of time. Though the truth is my doctor advise me on my 2nd child (I was 38 at that time) that my pregnancy is seriously abnormal. I wanted to have a baby so I don't care. Then my last pregancy was seriously scarry. Again I was advise that my baby will have a high percentage to be abnormal. It was so scared but I decided to continue my pregnancy and I am glad I did it. They are all normal and very beautiful and very smart kids. You can see my son's picture on my website ar www.freedomathometeam.com/real click on about me to see my picture with my son

Thank you for reading.

Hi S.. I just read your request and ALL of the advice. I am very surprised that none of the 24 women mentioned anything about adoption. I am a mother myself, and an educator of young children, going for my BA and then an MA in SPED and Educational Therapist. I have been learning about the risks of being a mom after 35, and my recommendation only is to explore ALL your options. There are tests you can take before you become pregnant to see if your body can carry the baby to term, etc. One mom said that your body knows if it can do it again, and I agree on one end. On the other, if you want something so badly, you can subconciously trick your body into thinking it is ready. Kind of like false pregnancy. Anyway, after all my babble, what I really want to advise you is adoption. If you are at all worried about complications, for you or the baby, why not adopt? Every adoption story I have heard has resulted in the same unconditional love within the family with the adopted child as the biological children. Please take this into consideration as there are hundreds of thousands of children without permanent homes right here in America. What better family for another to go home to than one that is loving, healthy, and financially stable?

Hi ~ my boys are 5 years apart and I find it to work perfect. They are great together and never have any problems. True story. Watching them together brings me so much joy.
I am 45 and they are 3 and 8. I would so have another and may still. I agree that it would be hard for them to look after aging parents at a rather young age, but I cannot see them ever regretting being born simply because of that. Some how it would all work out....if is not meant to be, it will not happen.

It's definitely not too late. I am 40 and we just had our third. My OB said that >50% of OB patients in the bay area are over 35. They don't even consider it high risk anymore, especially if it's not the first child.

There's a 5 and 8.5 year gap between the baby and our older children. I think the big gap actually makes life a lot easier. The older kids are so independant and could take care of many things themselves while I was occupied with the baby. The only downside is that it means having a child still in college as we approach retirement...

I am in a similar situation tough decision! Go with you gut instinct.

I had my third child at 40. She is now 3 1/2 and my two older children are 11 and 12, only 17 months apart in age. I wish I would of had another one after Julia, my youngest. The age is so great between her and her siblings it seems like she is an only child herself. Watching my older two have the bond that they have (even when they don't want anyone to notice) it makes me sad for Julia. If you are healthy and fit I say GO FOR IT......

YES! have another child, as I have advised many of my friends, the first child is for you, the second one is for them. My kids are 5 years apart also, my son is 18 and my daughter is going to be 13 this June..they are such good friends, and my son was so happy to have a sister, and they have so much fun doing things together now. your 5 year old will be a great help..and you are giving her a wonderful gift!

When I was 42 I had twin boys. They weighed in at 8lb10oz and 8lb3oz and were beautiful and healthy. I also had a daughter 2 1/2 and a son 14. My kids have kept me young and crazy (oh did I say crazy? I meant silly...) The twins are now 10 and I'm still able to keep up with their crazy schedules. I usually am one of the older moms at school functions but it's wonderful to be in touch with the younger generations. Best of luck- (p.s. I did have an amniocentesis to rule out downs syndrome)

S.- I say go for it! But,no one can make that decision but you, your husband and God. If I were you I would pray about it with your husband, and let life take it's course. Having a child is a wonderful thing, as you know, and adding more to your family only brings more blessings. I'm a mother of two beautiful children 5 & 3 and they have been the best thing to have ever happened to me. So good luck on your decision making and let your heavenly father be your guide in it.
-S. R.

I had my 4th child at 40 after having 6 miscarriages. It was a stressful pregnancy and I questioned my decision the entire time. Once she was here all the worries went away. Yes, sleep deprivation is harder and getting back into shape is harder (but possible) at 40 than it was at 30 but I cannot imagine my life without her! And I conceived the easiest with her! You should talk to your ob and discuss and the pros and cons. It worked for us. Good luck.

I am a stay at home mom of a 14, 10, 7 and 4 year old.

Hi S.,

I'm 7 1/2 years older than my only sister, and my mom was 42 when my sis was born. As far as the pregnancy, my mom says that it was easy and wonderful, so I don't think that everyone in their 40's has a harder time (I know plenty of 20-somethings that have had really hard pregnancies, too!). The age difference was good and bad - I was SO excited to have a little baby to play with, but was disappointed in the beginning because she didn't really DO anything. I think you could overcome this by preparing your daughter for the ways of an infant. I think you should go for it if it's what you really want!

Go For It !!!
Friend of many women who have had babies
in their 40's.

I had my third child at 43, I say go for it. I am so glad my kids have each other.

Yes, try! It isn't too late. If you don't at least try you'll never know what your body would have been capable of. And have you considered adoption? I know of a couple in their early 50s who adopted a little girl a couple years ago and they are very happy.
Best wishes.
J.

I say go for it! More women aree having children in their 40's now, it is very common!

I had my daughter when I was 42. Everything was fine and went well. She is healthy and normal. There is a significant increase in the chance of having a baby with downs syndrome when you are older, so I guess you have to weigh the risk
Good luck
J.

I am 45 years old. I have two sons ages six years and eleven months. My view was similar to yours, we were a very happy family of three. After the initial suprise and maternal age related health concerns, I was delighted to be pregnant again. Both of my pregnancies where considered high-risk, but in the end, I have two incredible and healthy boys who adore eachother. No one makes my baby squeal with laughter more than his older brother. I now can not imagine life without both children. The age difference works perfectly for us. No issues of conflict typically found in closer ages. However, having a pretty self-sufficient five year-old and than transitioning back to the baby stage is much more demanding. But for our family, it is perfect.

Once a woman hits forty infertility red flags are raised. Even if you have only a 10 percent chance of becoming pregnant, someone has to be one of the 10 out of 100 women to become pregnant. Best wishes to you in figuring out what works best for your family.

I had my second at 41. I don't regret it at all. Go for it and see if it works!

I am dealing with the same concerns. I turned 41 a few months ago. I have two beautiful children and thought that was it and time to move on to the next phase of my life. I still have a pain in my heart because I'm not ready to let go of this wonderful phase in my life. I feel sad but my husband is not on board so that's been difficult for me. My feeling is that every pregnancy can be a risk. When your younger the risks are fewer but I've still seen younger women have problems and older mom's concieve without any problems. Just take a deep breathe and pray on it and the answer will come to you. Best of luck!

Like all the other moms, I say go for it. We have 2 boys w/a big gap: 7 yrs & 2.8 yrs. I'll admit, it has not been easy for us cuz our older son still struggles w/not being the only child any more but that's just us. I was so pleased to read about other moms who have big gaps between their kids. It seems to be a trend these days to have kids one on top of the other so there's barely any time to enjoy the first one. There are many times I feel kinda out of it cuz we didn't have our kids close in age. I think there are many benefits: my older son was completely potty-trained & independent in that area, he could get his own snacks & drinks, dress himself & be more cognitively aware of what it meant to have a younger sibling. Being older made him not so needy of me when I was dealing w/a newborn. I had problems getting pregnant both times & we were almost gonna stop w/just one but decided we wanted our son to have a sibling. Good luck!

S.,
I wanted to respond by saying,close your eyes and fast foward to you at 80,in a rocking chair on the front porch, looking out at your grown daughter and maybe her kids too. You will remeber you life, all the memories , some good, some not so good. Yet imagine the regrets you can live with, never going to france, learning to surf etc.. But could you happily live with the regret of not sharing your life with another child of your own? A child you really do want today at 42. I say do not regret the greatest gift & love of all.
It is ok to change your mind and give yourself and your family another child to love and cherish. So when you are on the rocking chair looking out , you will see more love, memories and joy won't you? good luck and God willing your next baby will be healthy, beautiful baby.

I had my third child last year at age 40- I turned 41 a month after she was born. The kids are now 8, almost 6 and 1. I did not think I would have anymore either, and she was quite a surprise! I am so happy that I had her and I can't imagine life without her. The older children are amazing with her and love her to pieces! The pregnancy was pretty easy, and so was the recovery. I say go for it!

Hi S.,
I did not have my daughter until I was 41 years old. My daughter is now 4 years old and I just turned 46. It would have been difficult at the time for us to have a second child right away. I do feel guilty at times that she does not have any siblings. I believe you will know in your heart what is right for you and just follow that. It sounds like you are healthy and in a good position to have a second child if that's what you decide. I wish you the best.

I am 32 years old and my mother had me when she was 44. I was her fifth child. She was extremely healthy and in good shape like you. My closest sibling in age to me was 11 years older.

From your standpoint--I think that it sounds like you are a healthy person and would probably have no problem having another baby.

From the standpoint of a daughter of an "older" mother (I am 32 and my mom is now 76) it is hard. My mom was a lot older than the other moms, and while that didn't effect me so much when I was a young child, it has become harder to deal with now. I have three kids of my own. My mom was actively involved in their lives until about 5 years ago. Just this weekend I was throwing a surprise party for one of my sons, and my husband got the flu--which left me 100% on my own to plan and carry out this elaborate party. My mom was initially going to help me with the party, but wasn't able to because she got a cold, and when you get a cold at 76 years old it puts you "down for the count."

This is often the case in the past 5 years--she just isn't physically able to help me or be there for me as much as she or I would want. Honestly, I feel a little "jipped" My father died when I was a baby (he was 55 when I was born) and I'm at the point in my life where I need her help more than ever.

On the plus side, my 4 siblings always say that I had a totally different mom that they did. By the time she had me, she had so much great life experience. She was more patient, loving and understanding. My friends have always envied my relationship with her because we never fought and she was always there for me in every way--she is a fantastic mother to me.

I hope that doesn't deter you--I just thought it might be a good idea to weigh it from both sides. It sounds like you are the kind of person who would consider all angles--I probably sound like a whiner--but I don't think there is a "cut off" age where you don't need your mom anymore. I need her despite my age, and although we have a great relationship, I really wish that we could find a fountain of youth that would make her about 15 years younger....

When I put myself in your shoes though, even knowing what I know about having an older mom, I probably would still have the baby at 42 if I felt that strongly about it.

Best of luck to you!

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister had her first child being 43, so go for it, io think having a sibling for a child is very important and if you can,want and can also afford to please do
Good Luck and happy pregnancy C.

Hi S..
My sons are 33, 16 and 12. (The first was from a different dad.). The last one I had at 40, and as you can see, is 4 years younger than his brother. I too was, and continue to be, fit, healthy and active.
Re: a 2nd child: Both 'sides' have their merits. What I can tell you is, the boys at home get along well most of the time. However, the age disparity does become a factor on a regular basis. As the older one matures he is less and less tolerant of the younger, etc.
I love my boys more than anything, so don't take this wrong -- My thoughts on your concern:
* Do -you- think it's a good idea? (Keeping in mind that no matter how great we -feel- and -look- our eggs grow old and breakdown. If you choose to have an amnio will you also choose to have the baby if it is not '100%'? This is a HUGE question and should take some serious thought.)
* Raising my first son, until almost 18, as an only child worked out very well for both him and for us as parents. We gave him more attention than is possible now. We could afford more for him. He became more independent and studied well...All around it was a more positive environment.
I mention the second part to assure you that choosing not to have a 2nd child is ok too -- really.
Either way, being a parent is the BEST! Good luck -- I KNOW it's a tough choice! (Not to mention we have to give up our figures, again!) :) K.

Hi,
I'm 40 and will have our second child at 41 and yes it has been a bit scary. Our first born is only 21 months and will be a month shy of two when the baby is born. I have a monthly scan and that shows no sign of Down Syndrom but has shown liquid on this baby's kidney. On the other hand I know a 46 yr old doctor who just had beautiful and healthy baby girl. I would say go for it, isn't 40 the new 30?

I am now 80 with 3 children, all in their 50's. I lost my husband this past year and my children were the only thing that kept me going. They are a comfort and companion to each otherd. We had two girls and then a son. Each is an individual with their own personalities and talents. The twowho loved learning recieved degrees, have their own children and delight in them daily. The only children I regret are the ones I didn't have.

Yes absolutely, if you are healthy it is ok. I am an older mom and now my kids are in College and I am still fit, younger looking and we love both our daughters. Good Luck. Your daughter is a lucky one, she has a very wonderful mom.
R.

Hi S.,
I have two grown boys about 22 months apart, and they are the best of friends now at age 22 and 24. They are both wonderful children because I spent a lot of time with them when they were young. It was challenging because I was a single Mom for 14 years. If YOU really want a second child and you husband does too, then that sounds like the right decission for you and your family. Have the second child if YOU feel the child will make YOUR life richer. Sounds like you are the one that will be caring for the child the most. Remember, it will add 5 or 6 years of additional child rearing to YOUR life. Do you and your husband have plans to travel and do more once your first child has left the nest??? It also cost a lot of $$$ to raise a second child these days. L. R.

It's not too late. Go have that baby!

Every body is different, but odds are good that you can have a second child without any significant issues. You will feel the difference, however, because a lot does change in those 5 years, and risks across the board do go up.

My one recommendation is to set up front what your limits, as a couple, are. Once caught up in the "trying to have a baby" whirlwind, you may find the whole process becomes more and more difficult to walk away from, and you could find yourself making choices you aren't comfortable with. So, you will find it helps to have these decisions made up front: (1) how long will you try? (2) Would you consider interventions such as fertility drugs or IVF? (3) Would you consider an egg donor if it came to that? (4) Would you consider adoption? (5) Will you test for Down's, and what would you do with the results?

I wish you the best of luck. I know from experience that chasing a toddler as a 40 something mom isn't the easiest thing in the world, but it is still something to be cherished.

You don't mention why you are hesitating, but I assume it's age. I had my second at 41 and she's now 13. I've never regretted that decision! Now in my mid 50s I do think about how many people my age are done with their childrearing and traveling more because they had their children earlier, or thinking about retiring earlier than I can, but that's the only downside I can think of in terms of late childbearing. My husband was even older than I, and we feel like the kids keep us young and involved in community life. So, if you are healthy and feel financially secure and your husband is with you on this it seems that you are in a great situation for a second.

Hi S..... if you and your husband both want a second child, by all means, go for it! Your daughter would be old enough to help you quite a bit. I had my second child when my first was 7, and she but all took over diaper changing etc. when she was home from school, etc. It might be good to talk to yourOB/GYN Dr. to see what age related risks you could be taking and the tests to make sure there are no birth defects. then base your decision upon what you find out. Good Luck to you, Sincerely, CJ

My kids are 5 years apart and I love the age difference. I feel my son was able to bond with my daughter better because he was older (not as much sibling rivalry because he was better able to understand the situation). I do not think it is too late to have a second. In fact, my daughter is now four and we are planning number 3 right after I finish my school program - so my son will be 12 an my daughter 7. They are both begging for a baby in the house!
Good luck!!

Go for it! I know a few women who have gotten pregnant quickly and had easy pregnancies in their 40s's. For all those who struggle you never know what category you fit in till you try! And a six yo will make a fabulous, non-competitive big sister, and they will equals when they are adults.

I am in my 40s, so speaking from a place of some experience.

Good luck!

I say "Go for it!" If you and your husband both want a sibling do it. You may also want to talk to your 5 year old too. They sometimes will have strong thoughts, and be able to articulate them.. listen to them.

I will say that having experience with infertility, you need to be realistic too. Everyone is different.. you may have an easy time, but there may be a long wait too. Conception is not as easy as I always thought it was.

I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,

T.

Do what your heard says. My sister and I are 5 years apart as well. It was always nice to have someone to be with even though the age difference meant we weren't as close as siblings are who are closer in age. However, once we reached college age we became best of friends. I would be lost without her and her friendship.

D.

S. here is my presceptive as a child of a mom who was 42 when she had me. Growing up she always told me I kept her young. She was the age of my friends' grandmothers. I lost her when I was 38, she was 80. I feel a little cheated not having her around to see my kids grow. But she was a great Mom... I'm glad she had me!!

Hi S.,

Heck ya! Go for it !! Please take precautions and check with your OBGYN first (which I'm sure you are already planning on)...but I would if I were in your shoes. I have a 7 year old boy (and a son from my husband's first marriage who is 18). The years between them has worked out great for both of them!! After AJ was born, I wanted to have another child for about 2 years or so (I was 40 then)...my husband did not want to have another child (unless I could guarantee him it would be a girl :)...).

Good luck! I'm jealous :)
~G.

I had my last child when I was 39, about 3 weeks before turning 40. So, I was a little younger than you, but still, getting up there. It was a very easy pregnancy and normal birth, which surprised me, since when I had my second child at 35, I had gestastional diabetes and the baby was born 5 weeks early after a few days of severe illness. So, I was worried when I became pregnant at 39 that things would be difficult again, but this time, there was no gestational diabetes and all was smooth.

The age gap of about 6 - 7 years between your kids means the older one can be very helpful with the baby. My own kids are spaced 4 - 5 years apart (they are now 7, 12, and 17) and while it can be hard to find things to do together, the older ones can help the younger ones a lot and we enjoy activities like camping as a family.

But, you do face the risk of genetic problems, and I found these at 39, even, to be fairly scary. So, you have to be willing to go through that stage of testing in the middle of your pregnancy (or be willing to accept whatever type of baby is born). I think that there are many potential rewards, but these need to be weighed against the risks and worries and then you can decide if you want to try for this or not.

Go to the doctor and have a check up first. Find out what vitamins to take before and after conceiving and be sure to take them all. Good luck. I think you should do great. My mom had me when she was 40 :)

Hi S.,

I think that if both you and your husband agree that a second child is right for your family, then you should try!

As for being an "older" mom, I consider that a really good reason to give your child a sibling. When you and your husband are "elderly", a sibling can help your daughter with caring for you. Also, if she has a sibling, your daughter will always have a family member to turn to when she needs one and her children will have cousins to play with!

Good luck to you!

N.

This is a decision that is entirely up to you & your family. I think it's wonderful to have more than 1 child, I have 4 (never thought I'd have that many.. lol) If its something you & your family both want I say go for it! My aunt had twins at 49 so really age is not a factor esp. when you are fit & healthy. You might want to go over it with your OB if you have any scared thoughts about it. Good Luck!!

I am also 42 and just had my second child (3 weeks ago). It was a hard pregnancy, (just because of my age, no complications). But it was totally worth it. I had 2 miscarriages trying for my son, so be patient. Good Luck.

Go for it! I would talk to your doctor to see if there is anything special you have to do before you get pregnant. Otherwise, I've known many women in thier early 40's who have had babies.

From what I hear, 40 is a young age to have kids. It happens all the time. I think it would be worth trying. Some people are having babies and its a beautiful thing no matter what age you are. Good luck.

Absolutely S.!

I've also considered a second child. Unfortunately, I am NOT extremely fit otherwise I'd do it! You were already considered "at risk" when you had your first at 37, so you are well aware of what you're getting into. Since you are fit, it's going to make a big difference in how your body handles the pregnancy--good for you!

If you're concerned about the age difference between your children, that will diminish as time passes; they'll have each other & that's what will matter. They'll have great memories to share & stories to tell as they get older.

Of course, you & your husband are the only ones who truly know if this is right for your family. . . take care & best wishes!

Hi,
I think you should follow your heart or you may regret it. You have health, financial security, and the desire to. You know yourself better than anyone-look inside for your answer. If you choose not to based on your age, how will you feel later on when you really are too old and the opportunity has passed?
I think also it will be good for your daughter to not grow up as an only child.
I am 51 and the mom of four kids 15-25 whom I have stayed home with all their lives and now we are adopting and raising our 17 month old granddaughter, who has lived with us since birth. I agree it is harder when you are a little older-the energy isn't there. You get set in your lifestyle and babies are hard! Sometimes I just want to sit and read my menopause book instead of her board books.....or do email, or something else! but I am glad she is with us.
You are used to being home and being a mom and that sounds like where your heart is. I would encourage you to go for it!
L. E.

Hi S.,

I think you should definitely go for it. Both you and your husband want to have a second child and you are healthy. You should of course, discuss this with your doctor who can probably help you to further weigh your options.

Best of luck to you!

L.

Hi S.,
My mom had me when she was 42 and I'm very happy that she did. She wasn't worried about her age. I know at least five women who have had babies at 45 and 46. They feel younger then ever. They are very happy with their decision and their children are healthy. Your daughter will love having a little sister or brother to play with. You will never regret it. Most people only regret not having one more kid. Good Luck!

I would definitely say "go for it!" I had my first daughter at 41 (one month shy of turning 42) and we're still debating a second. My only hesitance is that I had a couple of miscarriages, was sick throughout my pregnancy, and now work full-time and am exhausted. Otherwise, I'd go for it now if I were you. Good luck!

Hello, I say yes!
My daughters are 7 years apart in age. It's important they have someone to talk to when they get older, other then their parents.
My older daughter was so excited about having a new brother or sister. Making the older sibling apart of the preparation of the new baby helps tremendously. My daughters are older now, ages 27 and 20.

Take care, P.

IT's never too late!! If that's what you want, you should do it!!