Not So Good-girl Wants to Be Friends with My Daughter

I feel bad for the girl. Maybe you could talk this out a little more with your husband? If it were me, I think I would allow my daughter to call her back and OK playdates but only at MY house. This little girl might benefit greatly from being welcomed to a healthier environment. It sounds like you believe she is a "trouble maker" largely because of a bad situation at home. That doesn't make her an awful child, does it? How bad can she really be at 3rd grade? Is she drinking, doing drugs, having sex? (I said this jokingly!) Sounds like the last thing this poor girl needs is to be shunned by good people, honestly :( She will have no one to turn to.

I wouldn't force your daughter to be friends, but if they are friends already in school I don't see the harm of allowing this little girl to come over.

Just my two cents. Good luck.

First, kudos regarding your obviously sincere wish
for a win-win situation for everyone.
What a wonderful world this would be
if there were more moms like you out there.

I think it would be courteous for you to call back the girl in question
and explain that your daughter is not allowed to return calls.

I can't imagine any way you can actively be a good influence in this girl's life
without her also having a relationship with your daughter.
Maybe someone here will have a reasonable idea in that area.

Meanwhile, it sounds like your daughter is easy-going and compliant.
I'm guessing you're having serious conversations with her
about the decisions you and DH are making regarding the child in question.

I hope all goes smoothly.

I also think that you could allow play dates at your house and under your supervision. It sounds like this girl is a "nice" girl who is easily influenced by a "not so nice" girl. If all parents do not let her socialize with their children she has no choice but to continue to be friends with the trouble maker. I suggest that by allowing her to play with your daughter under your supervision you do have the possibility of positively influencing her.

Whether or not your daughter and she become friends depends on a whole lot of things outside of your control. My granddaughter, who is now in the 5th grade, began choosing her friends before the third grade. Some she talked about at the time and others I'm just hearing about now. My granddaughter was able to choose good influences and remain casual friends with the not so good.

Her mother and I did talk with her about friendship, what it means, and who makes a good friend. She used this knowledge to make her own decisions. She was hurt a couple of times and came to one of us to ask about it. I suggest that by keeping the lines of communication open that your daughter, too, can make good choices.

I also suggest that now is the time to allow her to make choices, when the consequences are small. When she's in middle school she is likely to not consult you and may make a bad choice that involves drugs or some other undesirable content. If she learns about relationships now she'll make better choices later.

I suggest that by having supervised play dates you will be able to talk about what is happening and thus increase her knowledge and skills when it comes to friends.

Either you or your daughter need to return the calls. You want to teach courtesy, too. I suggest that, if you'd let your daughter call anyone else back, that you let her call this girl back. Consistency is important as is compassion. She doesn't have to get involved with the girl. It's just common courtesy to return calls.

I also suggest that if you tell your daughter to lie about missing the phone calls you are teaching her to lie and starting a basis for her to not trust you.

Be courteous, compassionate, and caring as your post indicates you already are. Some of what I say is prompted by other posts.

Yes, you could possibly avoiding difficulties by refusing to let your daughter be involved with this girl. But you also may be preventing some good learning opportunities at an age when the consequences are not so serious.

Do what I did when my daughter was little. My youngest one always seemed to pick at least one low life every year to be friends with along with her regular friends. I asked her why she did this and it was because she was hoping to make their life a little better. Sad to say she is 23 now and finally learning that you can't help everyone. So many of these so called friends have taken advantage of her and embarrassed her. In your case I would let my daughter return the call and advise her on what you want her to say. If your daughter decides to be friends with this girl take my advice and do what I did. Let the girl come to your home instead of sending your daughter to hers. I would just let them play here because I was a single Mom and couldn't afford to take them to do anything, but I never let her stay at their home knowing what it was like. It gives the girl a chance to see what normal family life is like and how different her home life is. It can make a difference in this girls life. One of the girls that my daughter was friends with is now grown and married and she calls me Mom White....Funny we are not related at all and she just happened to marry a man with the last name of White. One of the other girls just lost both her parents and little sister seven months ago. Guess where she has come running to? Yep, me...You can be such a great role model in this girls life. You may want to reconsider letting your daughter be friends with her but you keep the situation in your control. I have so many of both of my daughters friends that talk to me about life and their relationships. Even the young men that grew up with them come to me and talk with me. One of the boys works in a store near by and he goes out of his way to speak with me. We have discussed his college, his work, his girlfriend, his drinking, etc......So honestly, I think your husband is right. Let your daughter call her. Stand up and be a role model for this young girl. You may not be able to change the world and you may not be able to help her. But it is so worth taking the risk....God Bless You All!!!

well, the phone call is the easy part. there's no need for 3rd graders to be on the phone to each other, so simply call the girl back and tell her (kindly!) that your daughter isn't allowed to use the phone this way yet. who's handing out your cell number?
it doesn't sound as if you have a big problem with the girl herself. no, you can't really get involved without your daughter being involved too, but it honestly sounds as if your daughter has a good attitude and very healthy boundaries where this girl is concerned. good for you! why not build on that? don't force or prohibit a friendship, let your daughter take the lead on whether or not to play with her outside school. this allows you to keep your focus where it should be, on your daughter, and allows the opportunity to help guide (if necessary) through a less-than-perfect friendship, if indeed your daughter does wish to pursue it. it also allows you to be a kind, positive influence on a little girl who seems to be rather lacking in these in her life. doesn't mean you have to take on a relationship with her parents or get busy in her life in any but the most cursory fashion.
but if your daughter isn't interested, leave it alone.
khairete
S.

Make the school aware of the situation, if they are not already. They can get them into family counseling. Other then that, leave it alone.