Nieghborhood Kid Opposite Sex Establishing Some Ground Rules

I always had far more male friends than I did female friends. Friendships were never sexual. As an adult I am still friends with a very large amount of those male friends.
A friend is a friend. They are a person. Gender does not make a difference, especially at that age. Let them play. Let them enjoy the company of someone they get along with. Leave the notion behind that all relationships with the opposite sex can only exist as a sexual relationship. That mindset is wrong.

Just have him over to your house. Our rule is- with all friends-- the door stays open. At some point they will want more privacy; I should add that Kiddo's room is not visible but within earshot. The kids feel like they have their space.

I want my son to have friends who are of both genders, and I want to have the same rules for all the kids who come over. He's 8 right now; this will change as he gets older. it really depends on the kid. We have a neighbor friend who is a girl-- they have been playing together for years. I want my son to know that girls are just people, just like boys, and not limit himself in his friendships. It's easier to be an adult coworker of women if you have already learned how to get along with them and not just view them as potential love interest down the line. Friendships form a three dimensional experience, if you will, of that person and that gender. It's a different sort of social education, and a good one, I think.

Well I wouldn't want ten year olds hanging out alone after school, unsupervised, regardless of their gender.
But if there's a parent or other caregiver there, why not?
Or why can't they hang at your house?

i don't really get this. my younger was in a 3-pack (the combo most parents dread) for YEARS with one neighbor boy and one girl. they were inseparable. if the three of 'em weren't at my house, they were at one of the others. i wasn't besties with either mom, but we all knew each other and were comfortable with each other. there were issues in the girl's home, issues that made us sad and worried for her, but nothing that we felt was dangerous or inappropriate for our son to be around.

if your daughter wants to play at another kid's house, why NOT make a little extra effort to make it happen? i don't get arbitrary rules like 'never inside someone else's house.' it's all very well to say 'they can come here but can't go there', but what if we all did that?

someone has to breach the rather silly taboo, and just making grandiose rules doesn't make sense for individual situations. schools HAVE to do it. but why do you?

the last thing i would do would be to start implementing sex rules now because of what might happen in the future, nor would i start imposing sex-fending-off rules for a 10 year old in order to be 'firm at the start.'

why not just be sensible all round at the start?

of course you should 'change the rule' about being forced to play outside in winter. i'm a little taken aback that you're thinking ahead to 14 year olds alone in bedrooms, but never even thought about this one. it's silly. call the mom and say, 'our kids are becoming such great friends! i'm so pleased. let's get together for coffee and discuss our parameters and expectations, shall we? would tomorrow work for you? i'll have cookies! the kids can play while we chat.'

then discuss very broad rules like 'no doors shut' (which makes sense for all kids, not just boys v girls, unless there are circumstances like interfering siblings- then you make sensible rules to account for that) and 'no snacks outside of the kitchen' and 'no tv unless you run it by me first' and hash out what tv shows and music they can watch, who's got guns or big dogs or easily available alcohol or pools or trampolines or any other concerns.

it bugs me that parents assume boys and girls can't be friends without sex being the defining factor of the friendship. also that there's something wrong with tweaking the rules down the road if situations require it. this isn't greek myth. it's not like you can't change course if you need to, right?
khairete
S.

Well, at that age my son had a friend who was a girl and she used to sleep over. The only rule we worried about was that they knew to leave the bedroom door open. I did not go into it assuming they would have sex, especially at that age. Talk to the parents, make sure they are on the same page as far as a no closed door rule, and then let them be kids while they still have time.

Sorry, but your rule is crazy. She's 10. Let her be 10 - which means that she should be allowed to go into other people's houses. It doesn't matter if the friend is a boy or a girl.

When she and her friends get older, then you set the ground rules that are appropriate for that age. My kids (two oldest are 17) weren't allowed at anyone's house, regardless of gender, without a parent around until recently (and even now it's not for hours on end). It was one thing if they were at a house and a parent ran out to pick up a sibling or run a quick errand, but they weren't allowed to be home for hours with friends in a parent-free house. Two girls or two boys can get into just as much trouble as friends who are the opposite gender. Obviously when kids date the rules get more strict, but boy/girl platonic friendships are pretty common and normal.

Your issue is that you're making this about gender and it shouldn't be. Have consistent rules for supervision and adult presence for ALL of her friendships, and make those rules age-appropriate as needed. You shouldn't treat this friend any differently than any other just because he's a boy. My oldest son has several close friends who are girls (some have been friends since Kindergarten) and daughter likewise has good friends who are boys.

One of my girls has mostly male friends. They are allowed over and she is allowed to visit them. They hang out. I trust my daughter. We have had conversations (all of my kids) abount relationships and what can happen since they were about 7 or 8. Keeping lines of communication open is the key regardless of gender of friends or where the kids hang out. My daughter will come to me about anything and everything. Will she push the line, yes, does so quite often but I do trust her. It is also important to know the parents though I disgree that you need to know them to the point that they are your good friends. My focus is on what is the home like, drinking, smoking etc.

I too agree with Nervy Girl - re-read her post.

I'd add: You need to get to know his parents, and the parents of all your girl's friends, well enough that you communicate with them readily and they respond to your communications. You mention that you've met them superficially and "it died there." Maybe they're very busy, have other kids with busy schedules, etc. -- we've all been there, and it does make it hard to get better acquainted with our kids' friends' parents. But before the weather really goes bad, try to get them over for a cookout, or suggest that you and one parent take the boy and your daughter somewhere for an activity (paintball? fall festival? cool age-appropriate playground? whatever) where the kids do something and you and the parent(s) can sit aside and chat. Not saying you have to become best buddies with his parents, just that you and they should know each other well enough that on both sides it's OK to make a quick call and ask about the kids meeting up.

What Nervy Girl said.

Nervy Girl's answer says it all.

If it were me, I would walk down and knock on the door and introduce myself to the mom and let her know that your DD wants to come over to play and ask if it would be okay if she did that. Ask for her telephone number so you or DD can call first to make sure it's okay for her to come. Also, that she will not be allowed to come unless a parent or other adult is home. I would also tell her that since they are 10, you prefer if they play in the common areas of the house (not necessarily supervised, but in a common area) and if they do go into his room, that the door remains open. Now, that is only if his bedroom is on the same floor as the common areas of the house. If it's a two story house with bedrooms on the upper floor, she must stay on the first floor.

I agree that kids this age shouldn't be allowed to go into each other's homes and play unsupervised. Stuff happens. I would talk to the other parents and see what their views of this are. Would they let the kids play in the bedroom with the door closed? Would they let them be in a family room where mom or dad is nearby? Would they even want your daughter to come in to play with their son?

In a year or so they'll not be playing toys and stuff like that but more into pre-teen things. What about then? The ground rules you establish now should look towards that future too.

I have sons. I pick and choose which friends are allowed inside or not, but it has nothing to do with gender. It's entirely about which kids don't annoy me. I also know most of the parents of the kids I've deemed "inside friends". When they were younger, I didn't even allow my kids to go into their friend's houses until I've at least met the parents.

When it comes to hypothetical future scenarios, I respectfully suggest that you focus on your own child's education and your expectations of her personal behavior, as I do with my own. If you suggested to me that you saw my kids as a potential problem just because they are boys, we'd have to cut ties with your daughter.

My daughter just turned 16 and she's a tom boy. Most of her friends have been boys. I have allowed her and my son (12) to go over to friends houses but first I chat with the mom. I ask her that if they are playing in bedrooms to make sure the door is kept open (and ideally I'd like them not to be in there) and that she randomly checks on them. I do the same at my house. They are also not allowed to have any electronics upstairs. I have parental controls on my kids but I know not all parents do that. I do mention it to the other moms so *they* know that I want it watched and so far I haven't had issues.

That being said, I'll tell a story about my cousin. When her daughter was 15 she had a boyfriend. My cousin MET with the mom and they both agreed that when they were together at the houses they had to stay in the living room, NO bedrooms, NO going outside and they were not to be left alone. His mom strongly agreed with my cousin. Well, after several months of the mom seeing that the kids were "behaving" at her house, she started to take the opportunity to run errands. Long story short, my cousin finds out her daughter and the bf were having sex in the park while "walking the dog" and some other things.

Not to scare you but I feel you are right to set some rules and boundaries when the kids are younger so the rules are set when they are older. We as parents can take as many precautions as possible but stuff still happens. I tend to prefer all my kids friends come here, especially my daughter because she is ADD/Asperger's and can easily be influenced. Good luck.

You're the mom. You get to set the rules. Playing with a neighborhood boy at this house is fine as long a there's parental supervision. So you call the parents of the boy. Be self-deprecating - tell them that you're a little paranoid and over protective (I don't think you are - and they probably won't either but it make you sound like you're not accusing them of being negligent) but you want to make sure that they're only going to hang out together in common areas when parents are around. Invite the boy over your house and you'll get to see what level of maturity they're at - are they still children, are they a little more grown up i the tween phase, etc. When I was 8 the boy up the street who was 10 had a crush on me and asked me to go steady. I told him I had to ask my mom - I begged my mom to say no and she said "you're way too young to go steady". that fixed that problem. So 10 is certainly not too young for puppy love and just the right age to learn to use mom & dad as excuses to get out of uncomfortable situations.