Opposite Sex Sleepover for 15 Year Old Daughter

No.
If you want all 4 to come over for pizza, xBox, hanging out that's fine but
then the 2 boys will have to be picked up while the girls can spend the
night.
It's not unreasonable. You are the parent setting parameters & bounaries. Better safe than sorry.....in any situation.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

Doesn't matter that they're good kids.

They can play xbox until _____ (whatever time you decide), and then the boys can go home.

Simple.

Why do these things HAVE to be sleep overs?
Don't kids enjoy sleeping in their own beds at their own homes anymore?
Any cooking (and clean up from said cooking) and xbox playing they want to do can be done earlier in the day and then can people go home to sleep.
Bummer if they are not happy with that.

i guess i'll be the oddball. we had sleepovers here with a motley crew of kids, all ages and sexes, from the time my boys were 11 or so on until they moved out at college age. they knew the house rules, and omg, what fun times they were! they all stayed up way later than i, doing exactly what your group proposes to do- cooking, playing video games, watching movies, and having strange and fascinating conversations way into the night.
i DID get up once or twice to check on them during each 'party.' not once did any single one of them try to circumvent my rules. the worst they did was leave a mess in the kitchen, and they fixed that when i blatted at them.
hormones are real. teenagers find ways to have sex. but a balance can be achieved. trust, verification and a light hand on the reins worked for us.
YMMV, of course.
khairete
S.

Of course! Just set out a bowl of condoms along with the chips. Good luck.

You'll be establishing a precedent and opening up a door. Not a window, but a door wide enough to drive a semi-truck through. Next year it will be a few boys and they'll just all sleep on the floor. Or she'll go over to one of the boy's houses. After all, you allowed it at your house, so what's the harm of her sleeping at Justin's house or Rob's house? She'll sleep on the couch or the floor. Sure. At first.

If you're not ok with her doing the same thing at the boys' houses, then you're not ok with it happening at your house. And if you're not ok with her sleeping all night at a girlfriend's house where boys will be staying overnight, then tell her all opposite sex parties will end at midnight or 11 pm for her. When it's her and a girlfriend, they can stay up and gossip and giggle and eat ice cream until 4 am if they want.

Decide on your rules now, and your standards, and start staying consistent and true to them now. Don't waver. Explain them to your daughter and tell her that while she lives at your home there will be no boys sleeping over. And explain your opposite-sex curfew policy.

Of course, nothing guarantees that our kids won't still sneak off and do what they will, but part of what helps teens make the right decisions is knowing what our values are, and how to stay true to those values, and having a solid foundation instilled in them.

Unreasonable? No. I totally agree with you.

No. You stick with that answer.

Doesn't matter if OTHER parents allow it. I don't. Period. End of story.

This is NOT unreasonable for you to say NO. it's OKAY to say no to your child and stand your ground. It's YOUR house. YOUR rules.

Growing up my house was the place to hang out...yes, even all night.

There was a huge group of girls and boys that came and went as their own parents rules applied as to who could stay until what time, who could sleep over and who couldn't.

We stayed in the living room or add on room that was for us teens to hang out in. My mom was up and down all night checking in on us. (She was always up and down all night anyways). We were not allowed in the back of the house aka bedrooms and doors were always open.

We watched movies and ate tons of junk food, pizzas and snacks...we were not drinking, using drugs or having sex. We were all like minded that we were college bound and didn't want to mess that up with stupid decisions and as a group we held each other accountable.

So I say...yes, if they can follow the rules that you set up and adapt as need be...

No...just no.

I would not allow this at all.

You'd be unreasonable for saying yes, unless you are hoping to be a grandparent. They can cook and play Xbox some afternoon on a weekend or a day off school. I see nothing wrong with keeping bankers hours/parents present when it comes to having opposite sex company over.

Do they all forget WE were once teenagers too? Sheesh!

I'd say no. Just asking for trouble. It's kind of like living in the city and leaving your car unlocked.

Why can't they go home at 11 or 12?? The only problem with that is that they can be sneaky once the parents have gone to bed and could reappear. Of course, they could do that without being invited as well. I would just slam the door shut on this whole concept and say NO!

If it were my daughter, I would be up all night suspicious of late night visitors....

tell her they can come over and at midnight you will run them home. midnight would be the curfew for that age. no reason for them to sleep over.

No. You're setting a boundary. She's 15 and if you let her have a mixed gender sleepover you're letting her know you're okay with her sleeping next to a boy.

That makes it okay to cross that invisible line with that's okay and that's not okay.

Please don't back down on this. If you do this every one of those kids will want to have one at their house and throw it into their parents faces that "you" trusted them and let them have one at your house.

Those parents might not supervise as well as you and those teens will experiment with stuff.

It's like a lobster. This lobster is moving along in his home, happy, nice cool water....then he gets taken out and put into a shiny pot in nice cool water. Then it's a nice warm bath, then a little uncomfortable, then suddenly it's in hot water and he's cooked.

People get used to things and then go to the next level without even thinking about it. They start holding hands, then they're arms around each other, then it's a nice chaste kiss. Next comes open mouth kissing, touching backs, moving down and around then necking becomes petting and heavy petting. Pretty soon hands down pants and then pants off and a baby is on the way.

You know how this goes. Letting boys and girls have this relaxed environment is not a good choice. You're the adult, be the parent and just say no.

Welcome to Mamapedia, N.!

No.

"Nice kids" have sex, too!

My son is a social addict. We have his friends here all the time. The boys can sleep over, the girls can hang out until it's it's time to retire. Since their parents have to pick them up, they usually go home around midnight - 1am.

Yes to hanging out late or the wee hours. No to sleeping over.

Hi N., what a GREAT question! And wow...some varied responses...yes or no, that is a tough one. Is there a grey area? Is it black and white? Only you can know for sure.
How do you FEEL about it?
How does your daughter FEEL about it?
How do the other parents FEEL about it?

Some of the other Mamas (and no disrespect) think that kids would not be able to "control" themselves...that usually comes from their own experiences, either personally or someone very close to them.

Others say it's okay, just supervise...supervise what?

I am a retired school teacher and a mom of two teens. And I will tell you what I have seen and heard...I have walked into a girls bathroom at school and found a girl going down on a boy in one of the stalls...her response when called out "well it's not like we were having sex Mrs H".
A girl and guy were into some "heavy petting" like up her shirt and down his pants, right on the school field - with other kids watching.
Kids having sex in their parents basement while their parents were upstairs playing cards with the neighbours.

I could go on...but I think you get the point. If kids want to have sex or a form of, they will. No matter what you do about it.

For me and my daughters, it's all about open and honest communication. They know they can tell me anything (they don't, of course, they are teens) but I have a really good friend whom I love and trust dearly and so do my girls...and they call her if they need to ask "those weird questions that I can't ask mom". And she DOES NOT TELL ME. She takes care of it.

I am open about sex, i know if they want to have sex they will find a way. It doesn't matter what I do. So I say YES to having both sexes over, to play or to stay. My girls and their friends see that I am open to kids hanging out --cause 95% of the time that is ALL THEY DO - hang out! I also lay down my rules, i tell that what I think is appropriate and if they stay within the guidelines they can stay.

Sure is there that 5% where they don't just "hang out"? Of course, and I have a beautiful niece and nephew who are only 15 years younger than me because my mom was SUPER strict and my older sister wasn't.

N., asking for other peoples option is great, but the bottom line is what do you FEEL is right here? This is between you and your daughter and your husband. It is your home, your rules and your integrity/morals. Talk to your family and make a family decision. If you think she is old enough that she might be thinking about sex, then she is old enough to be a part of the conversation.

B.

My 16 yo daughter has a New Years Eve party every year. The girls stay but the boys go home even though it is late. I don't care how late they stay but they can't sleep at my house.

I like to think I would let my girls. I would like to think I raised them well enough to know what is safe and unsafe behavior and knowing what I did in high school I would rather a coed sleepover at my house than camping in the woods with no adults what so ever.

My girls are 2 and 4 though, so things might change in 10 years.

Nope. "Nice kids" have sex. You won't be able to say "no" the next time because you said "yes" this time. It will escalate. Even if your daughter is on the naive side about this, the other kids may not be. And everyone will be talking about your daughter and creating rumors that will plague her. And there will be talk about you as well which, fairly or unfairly, will affect how other kids are allowed to hang out with your daughter in the future.

I'm not a prude. My son was in a co-ed group called Venture Crew which did a lot of hiking and camping, so there were "sleepovers" at campgrounds. We let him go because the events were very heavily chaperoned with male and female adults. It was also next to impossible for them to go anywhere to sneak around, given the thinness of the tents and the challenges of the surrounding terrain.

I think it's important to remember that not all kids are heterosexual, and we aren't about to stop same-sex sleepovers because gay kids might have sex. That does seem hypocritical of us, doesn't it? I think that's another set of challenges and it presumes that we know our kids well enough to know their sexual orientation even before they do.

I think I'd handle it with my daughter by saying I know she may not understand it now, but there are a whole lot of factors to consider, including the kids getting into situations they may not be prepared to handle. And these kids are well below the age of consent for sexual activity so you can't be the one putting them in a situation that could turn south - unless you are planning to stay up all night and patrol the house.

There are too many stupid things they can be doing while you are sleeping. Sure, they might do those things elsewhere, but I'd rather not have the cinnamon challenge you tube bonanza going on in my kitchen while I'm sleeping. That said, I had an amazing group of friends in my last couple of years of high school. We were all like brothers and sisters and didn't date, so it would have been more like a book club than an orgy. haha. But, my group of friends before that...not a good idea to mix genders at night. Let's put it that way. We were all good kids, but that group wasn't as interested in scholarly discussions if you know what I mean.

When I turned 18, 2 of my close friends also did that month. We had a joint slumber party. 1 of the friends was a boy, we had all of our group over, boys and girls. We pretty much spend the night in the living room watching scary movies and eating junk food. My friends parents that were hosting were in and out all night. (Of the living room, not the house.) No shenanigans went on besides a bunch of over-sugared and over-tired teenagers.

Good job momma. Maybe they're good kids. Maybe nothing bad would happen. But nothing wrong with rules. It is certainly not necessary for mixed teen slumber parties to happen. For god sakes my parents never even let me have friends over. Or play video games. Boys staying over so late playing video games they "need" to spend the night? Sheesh. Kids. :) Use humor about it if she keeps up the dramatics. Like "Poor you for having the worst mom on the planet, how will you ever manage the trials and tribulations" type stuff said lightheartedly with a smile :)

**Re Suz T's answer-and whew, big respect there! In theory I agree with her and that could work IF you can supervise, stay up, check, feel OK navigating at the houses of others somehow when she sleeps out....and in the future I may allow a few events like that when I don't need sleep. But I'm so sleep deprived as a single parent with my oldest child being 8, I can't imagine the energy...and it's still OK to say no. It may not be as fun for the kids as allowing it, but not every family can manage everything. Plenty of teen fun and bonding can happen without the hours of midnight to 6am included in the schedule. Go with your gut and don't feel bad.

No --is the correct answer. Tell her she can do that when she is 25 !

You are not being unreasonable, because as the parent you get to choose whatever rules you want.

But I am probably going to be the only person to say that if you know the kids, and they are all trustworthy, and the sleepover is in an open area like a living room, and the other parents are on board, it's probably not going to turn into an orgy and you could possibly allow it. I probably would have, under those circumstances.

Your call.

If you can stay up to ensure everyone goes to their respective areas, it would not be that different from my HS week-ends, many many years ago. I played D&D with a group of guys and one of the guys little sisters, then I'd sleep over in her room. She and I are still friends.

But her Mom always managed to tell us when to shut down the game and ensure we went where we were supposed to go. And it wasn't 2 guys and 2 girls.

What you describe sounds a bit..couplish. So, I'd say it depends on the kids and your ability to be watchful and aware for the night.

I will add that I had a horrible reputation in HS because of the D&D sleep-over ("she sleeps over with a group of guys"). Was a bunch of BS, and I would have been more angry about not being allowed to hang out with my friends and have a sleep-over with another GIRL than about my stupid reputation at the time, but looking back, I have mixed feelings about the impact of that.

I allowed opposite sex sleepovers at that age..

I plan on raising my kids like Suz did.

I'm with Diane B. and Gamma G. If you say yes this time, you have set the precedent and she will expect a yes next time, and a yes when the sleepover is at someone else's house and not yours. If you were dandy with this co-ed sleepover, you would not be posting here; you would have just said yes. You don't like it in your gut. Go with your gut.

The fact that "they're all really close with the families" means precisely nothing -- in fact, it might make it easier for the adults to be so very relaxed about mixed sleepovers that they blithely forget that even good kids whom they know well can end up being stupid in the middle of the night. And the stupidity isn't always having sex -- in the age of social media, they might end up in some stupid, unsafe "challenge" they film, or taking photos they post and regret....Yep, that can happen in a single-sex sleepover, but why add in the possibility of kids showing off for the opposite sex into this mix?

Meet her halfway. Tell her they can cook and play Xbox all they want and the boys go home late and the girls stay, or they start at lunchtime and everyone goes home at 10 or whatever. If she cannot see that you're saying "Yes, with these changes," she needs to be talked to about how she DID get her yes, just not entirely on her own terms, and if she can't handle a yes on those terms - there's no "Yes" at all.

Ahh NY, land of the college trolls

My parents allowed me to have the odd boy sleep over when I was a teen, but it was purely a matter of convenience or logistics. (ie, we had to be somewhere very early in the morning or very late at night.) The boys slept in the basement, and there was no sneaking around. If it is just for fun then I would offer to drive the boys home, regardless of how late it will be.

My vote is "NO" too. They can come over and the boys could stay late, like 11 PM, but NO spending the night. That's what college is for, when they are 18 years old, not 15.

I went on a week vacation with my boyfriend with his family they had rented a house and I got the downstairs bedroom and he stayed upstairs with his uncle. It can be done. I'd set a time even if I had to set an alarm to make sure they did go to separate rooms and have the boys in the livingroom and the girls in the bedroom. I did several sleepovers with boyfriends or over a friends house go had older brothers and nothing happened, keep them separate at bedtime.