Neighbors Daughter - Wylie,TX

I agree with Anita, if the child refuses to obey the rules than you should tell that child to go home, while you're not her Mom and probably don't want to put her in time out or punish her, you can send her home and it lets her know that if she is going to be naughty then she can't come over and play at her friends house.

I think she'll straighten up so she can come over and play

I would talk to the mom about getting together to discuss the kids, etc. While having a little talk with her, I would just tell her that you've had a few issues when her daughter is over, and then explain what those issues are. I feel like being as straight forward and honest about things as you can is best.
A.

Send her home. Don't ban her as this will only cause un due stress to both your' and her family. When she gets there tell her and your kids she will be sent home with no chances if she brakes them. I'm sure the mom will get the idea when her daughter shows back home early. The girl will hopefully tell her that she was sent home for not following rules. I wouldn't punish your kids for her behavior, but do let them know her behavior is not exceptable and good behavior is rewarded. Limit there play area to just the bedroom or outside. A 9 yr old is expected to understand. Sounds like she may have some issues. Thankfully school is starting and you wont have to worry about it too much.

TLee

I have three children also. I would never reprimand my children for doing something while allowing someone else to get away with it b/c it might 'hurt the mom's feelings.' I would continue to tell this child what the rules are and gently explain over and over as many times as you have to to get it to sink in. If it just becomes too much of an issue, I would ask her to come back another time when everyone can behave well together. I would approach the mother and not place blame, but would tell her that when they all get together, they are too rowdy and we ALL need to find a solution. That way she won't feel like you are blaming her child but you are still bringing the problem to light. I would be mortified if my child acted that way and I would absolutely want to know. After the embarrassment subsides, if she's still offended, she obviously doesn't share the same parenting ideas as you for how to bring up a polite child so I wouldn't worry about it anyway!

Hi E.,

Next time the 9 year old comes over, see if the mom wouldn't mind coming over too. While the both of you "get to know eachother better" she can witness her child's behavior in your home. When you have to correct her or your children make sure the mom is aware of what you are doing and hopefully she can intercept with some words of wisdom. It is probably apparent that this child acts the same at home or worse, but if the mom sees that you run a much tighther ship then she may be inspired to try the same.

If she doesn't get the hint, then you really have no choice but to tell her that she isn't welcome back if she can't keep herself under control and obey the house rules.

Good luck!!!

I agree with Rachel. I'm a music teacher at various local preschools and have discovered that kids will often times behave differently when their parents are not around. Sounds like the little girl's only authority figure is her mother. I mean, I'm sure her mother doesn't allow that kind of behavior at her house. The little girl is probably testing your authority to see what she can and can't get away with. Per Rachel's comment, if it were my daughter I would hope that you would let me know when she is misbehaving. Perhaps a serious talk from her own mother about house rules at other's homes may be just the trick. And, her mother may help by letting you know what kind of discipline works well for her daughter. If you invite her mother over she may not witness this behavior because her daughter may act totally different knowing her mother is close by. When you approace her mother, don't do it in a way that sounds like you're complaining...rather, begin on a positive note by mentioning all of her daughters good qualities. Then simply mention that you could use her advice concerning her daughter...and continue.

I also agree with Rachael. Another suggestion would be to let the mother know that you will be disciplining her daughter when you discipline your own children for breaking house rules; that is time-out for all etc. Then if she continues with the behavior she is sent home for the 2nd consequence.

My guess is she is very hyperactive, but she still needs structure and rules. M.

First, I agree with Rachel too. Never blink when your house rules are being broken, but don't over indulge in setting up rules either.
Second, what about trying arranging play dates at the park (when it's not 100 degrees) with her mom and then you can see how she acts around her.

We have had a very similar situation with a little girl in our neighborhood. She is 4 and my daughter is 5. She acts rudely toward our 2 year old son, refusing to share with him or telling him to go away. I have noticed she acts rudely to us regardless if her mom and dad are present or not. Lately, I have told her, (we will call her Mary), "Mary, we do not treat our friends ugly, and if you want to play at our house, you must obey our rules." It did take a couple of times of getting scolded at our house before she would come over and play nicely with only gentle reminders required. Consequently, we have not seen very much of her lately. I have explained to my daughter how unpleasant and rude she is, and if mommy had a friend like that, I would not want to hang out with them. She had stopped asking to play with her, but is polite if we see her in the neighborhood. I think that if my 5 year old can understand, your children are of the age where they would understand as well. If all else fails, be "unavailable" to playdates with them.

I would just be honest and tell her that you and the kids enjoy having her over but at times she isnt listening to you and respecting how you run your house. She prob has no clue that her daughter is acting this way and would prob. appericate knowing she is acting this way...I know Id love to know if my daughter is acting up esp. if I thought everything was ok. Also you could invite the mom over as well if things dont improve with the child listening to you. The mom may even be able to give you pointers on what to tell the child so she will understand that you mean business and wont be allowed over again if she dosent follow instrucitons.

I think since this is a "new" friend, it may be hard to approach the subject of her behavior with the mom. I think personally I would avoid having the child over to my home rather maybe schedule play dates at her home so your children are still able to see this child and if she becomes to unruly and your children begin to exhibit that behavior you have more control of the situation by being able to leave and go home. Maybe once you become better friends with the child's mother then you could approach the subject of her behavior and once you know the mom better she may confide and you may gain some insight as to why the child acts that way.

I think the best way to handle this is to talk to her mother now. Just very nicely explain that you have certain rules at your house and have asked her daughter repeatedly to follow them and since that is not working you are coming to her now to seek advice on how to handle this situation. Explain to her that you fully expect your children to follow and respect her rules when they are at her house and that you enjoy having her daughter over but it is not fair to have one set of rules for your children and another for her. If she is at all reasonable she will handle her daughter and correct this immediately. If not, then your kids don't need that negative influence. It's already hard enough being a mom!
Good Luck and let us know what happens :)

thank you for posting this question, I've learned a lot from the answers.

I totally agree with Rachel.

Just my opinion but I think the mother will get offended if you bring it up; I know talking about the issue might be the right thing to do but just be aware that she might be offended.
Is there any possibility that you give the girl another chance by letting them run in the backyard? that way they will be tired when they come into the house and it will be time for some quiet games (computer, pretend play etc).
Now if everything fails and the kid is influencing your kids in a negative way then I would consider talking to the mom.
Just my opinion, I'm sure you'll find a good solution.

Ok, I am so glad you asked that question. I had the same scenario occur in my house last year and am glad to see that my reaction was in line with other caring mothers.
I work and when I got home my neighbor (whom I have been friends with for over 5 years at the time) was over with her twins. My nanny did not know how to tell her to leave. Anyway the tv was so loud and her twins were literally jumping on my sofas in my gameroom. My son, who is their age and friend, was sitting on the ottoman trying to watch tv. I said Oh my gosh we do not jump on couches in this house. Their mom got up and started to put the cushions back on the sofas. Her daughter continued to jump and even stood on the back of the sofa and was standing there screaming and singing. Her mom never said anything so I said Camille please don't stand on the sofa, sofas are not for standing on and you could fall and hurt yourself. They left shortly thereafter and when I went into my son's room all of his thousands of books were off of the bookshelf and he said he was sorry but he and his friends did that. Well their mom stopped calling me and when I had my baby 2 months later she didnt even come by and she would not return my calls. I finally caught up to her and asked if everything was all right. School had started by now and she said well in the summer you yelled at my kids and I don't like that bc I would never yell at Noah. I was floored. I reminded her that I did not yell at them (I don't yell at kids) and that her kids were disrespecting my furniture and house rules. She said well Noah jumps on my furniture. I said Veronica I know that and when I am there I tell him not to but you allow your kids to do that. I don't allow that and you know that.
Well she decided it was best that we not be friends bc I 'yelled' at her kids.
So I don't have any advice I am just glad to hear that I wasn't in the wrong.
I don't know how I could have handled that better.
Anyway good luck.
M.

First of all, you don't have to necessarily talk to the mom. When my kids have friends come over, we go over the rules. I tell them if you can't follow the rules then you can't play here. If they ignore a rule, they go home. NO second chances for that day. They can try again a different day. You tell them, "in this house, we do not run up the stairs (or whatever your rules are." If them mom comes over and asks why you sent her daughter home, simply tell her something along the lines of " that she could not follow the rules today, but we'll be happy to have her over again (on whatever date). If my daughter did not follow the rules of your house, I would want you to do the same."

E.,

I agree with Rachel as well. I have had this situation at my house and dealt directly with the child. When she did not obey our house rules, she left our house for the day. This sent a message to the child and to our children as well.

Right now we have a 6 year old child who is testing limits and getting into trouble at church. I appreciate it when they set limits and expect the kids to obey. It shows they love the kids that are in their charge.

Hope this helps.
A. S.