Keeping Children from Playing Together

Hi A.,

I am 37, married 17 years, have 4 boys (oldest 12) and a girl on the way any day now. I don't have experience with little girl relationships, but will soon.

Congrats on the engagement! Marriage is hard work and you're starting off young, with a family already. I encourage you both to put in all the extra effort it will take to keep your wedding vows unto the end. Remember that you are the role model of womanhood/wife for your daughter AND son. Same for your husband-to-be.

I completely understand your hesitation to "confront your elder", probably out of respect and based on what you were taught. However, please acknowledge that being respectful to an elder does not mean allowing that elder to disrespect you/your boundaries/your home. Although you have posted a question about playmates, the deeper issue is you setting a standard and enforcing it. I encourage you to think about other circumstances with other people and how often you maintain your standard (not a bad habit or selfish desire) despite their efforts to get you to bend. (This is also a characteristic that will be directly related to how satisfying your marriage will be after 5, 10, 17 years.)

Since high school, I realized that no matter what kind of people there are in the world, they are going to be in someone's family--smart, stupid, kind, mean, dependable, selfish, etc. It's taken me much longer to be courageous enough to confront the ones who ARE in my family than it is the "customer service" person who has the same traits.

So, "bad blood" or not, you must talk with your aunt about the rules in YOUR house and for YOUR daughter--which toys can be played with, no hitting, no name calling, etc.--and that the consequence will be to send the child back downstairs and not allow her back for 48 hours (or something like that) and vice versa. That you will be telling your child she can come back upstairs anytime she's being treated rudely or harmfully. You must be willing to accept that this talk WILL lead to bad blood ON YOUR AUNT'S PART. Your part is to allow them to play as long as the boundaries are followed. When your daughter asks why they don't play anymore, you tell her it's b/c a good mother is responsible for making sure her daughter is safe and treated well.

A positive of your situation is that b/c you're dealing with family you are actually present/nearby when these situations occur. Unlike if it were happening at another location with people you don't know at all. Use this as a training ground to transition from your family viewing you as A. the girl, to seeing you as A. the responsible adult that requires their respect.

It almost sounds like you're describing my oldest son and nephew at that age! My nephew is a year older than my son, and from the moment he was born was always "mean" to him. My sister did nothing to stop his behavior and it even esclated to a fist fight between the two at Airyk's 2nd birthday party! Fast forward a bit.....Airyk is now 7 and my nephew is 8 and they're the best of friends. What it seems to have boiled down to was that my nephew was jealous of the attention that his "younger" cousin was getting expressing his feelings the only way he knew how...by being rather violent toward Airyk. I put up with this for as long as I could, but finally, when my nephew was visiting my home, if he started to be mean to Airyk, I would pull him aside and tell him that wasn't appropriate behavior in my home and I expected him to behave the same way I expected Airyk to. (House rules are for EVERYBODY) I did this in front of my sister- who said nothing, and in front of my parents who picked up the hint and supported me all the way. (They informed him that he could not act like that at their house either.) I had to repeat myself several times, and it took a few weeks, but my nephew finally got the picture and caught on. They still occasionally have their moments and whoever is with them will step in and remind them of the rules, but all in all, just finally putting my foot down and not allowing it in my house started the ball rolling to fix the problem. Your aunt may take it personally- my sister did at first- but if she's not going to stop it, you need too.

I have nannied for a long time and when you end up having all the kids in the neighborhood over at your house this tends to happen. I personally would not let my child play with another child like that! I would also sit down with my child and talk about how to stand up for herself, she is letting your cousin walk all over her, if she is doing it now, think of what will happen in school! She needs to know people are not allowed to treat her that way! If she still wants to play make rules they can't play where you can't see them and if the cousin is bad she will be put in time out. If possible sis down and talk with your cousin, tell her she is not allowed to act this way or treat your daughter this way, be very stern show her who is boss! When she does something mean or bad you can either tell her she has to leave, put her in time out, or some other form of stern punishment. When it comes down to it, you will have to not care how your aunt may take something you do or say, it is all about protecting your child!

A.,

It is wonderful that you have family close, but you must do something. 2 and 3 year olds are too young to play without supervision. Since you are aware that your daughter is unsafe with her cousin, she should never be left alone in that circumstance again, even if they were old enought to be left alone together.

If you choose to let the girls play, they should do it only under your direct supervision and you should tell her mother why. I would recomend that you get some books on childhood development, Dr. Spocks book or TB Brazelton, both good general information on when it is appropriate for children at each age and will give you guidence as to when they are old enought be playing alone. 2 and 3 year olds engage in something called "parallel play" and are not ready to interact appropriately without your assisitance.

A 3 year old is very different from a 2 year old in thier development. From the 3 year old perspective, the whole world belongs to them, if they see it, it is theirs and they need our constant guidence to learn the lessons of proper social interaction. She is doing what comes naturally, and this is the time to teach them social norms, it is developmentally where she is. My question would be, where "developmentally" is her mother? She is missing her chance to teach her daughter very important lessons.

On a heavy note, you are on notice Mom! I am sure that this is totally inocent childhood stuff, but...if you allow your daughter to be alone with her cousin again, and she is hurt, you are responsible for her injury. You could be charged with neglect, so take action now to protect your daughter and yourself, it is your responsibility.

Good luck! It sounds like you know this is wrong, and you need to do what you need to do, if you offend her mother, so be it. It sounds like it is something she needs to hear. You should start trusting that voice in your head and that feeling in your gut because it is telling you what to do. I hope for the sake of your little cousin that her Mom has the same voice, but for now, it needs to be yours.

I would recommend having the 'house rules' posted somewhere (maybe the fridge or something) and make sure everybody knows about them. I had this same problem with my sons cousin when they were 2. I finally found out that the real problem was that the MOM thought my rules were silly, after making it clear that the house rules were to be followed by everyone who came into the house, including adults, it became easier. I was forced to ask my sister-in-law and her children to leave once, because her children were NOT following my house rules, and she refused to tell them to stop~I think that is what made the most impact on her.
I guess some people don't believe others are serious about their rules, until you take it to this point.

Hi A., I would recommend that you sit down with your daughter and explain that no one is allowed to hurt her like that and that if she was scared or hurt again then she would need to come tell you. I would also keep an eye on them playing, maybe move some toys to your living room so you can watch them. If your cousin still continues to hurt your daughter, just ask your cousin nicely not to do that again. If this problem continues then I would confront the Aunt about it. At this point you need to look out for childs best interest, I think your daughter would appreciate you protecting her since she cannot do it herself.

my daughter is 14 now, and she has a cousin who was mean to her when they were younger. the cousin was 2 years older. my daughter was more out going and got a lot of attention. It broke my heart to see my child get hurt; because she adored her bigger cousin. I limited the time they had together. I found other friends for my child to play with. i also talked to her about her mean cousin. over the years, things changed. I would encourage you to talk to your cousin and tell her that she is not allowed to treat your child like that. spend less time with your aunt, have playmates come over that know how to act, or child will copy the cousin's behavior. best wishes

Your daughter's safety is more important than your aunt's feelings. Tell your aunt (nicely) that the girls have problems getting along and that you don't want them to play unsupervised for a few weeks. If you see your cousin doing something mean, don't tattle to your aunt, tell the kid NO. What I do when someone is mean to my daughter is say something like "No hitting! Hitting hurts! Iry, tell your friend that you don't like that. Tell her it hurts your feelings" and usually my daughter will start to stand up for herself, but in the meantime the other kid has stopped the behavior because I was right there correcting her. I'm not harsh, and I do it right in front of the other parent if I need to. Usually that is enough to prompt the other parent to step in. My daughter has one friend who can be really mean, so for a while this past summer they weren't allowed to play together. I told the Mom that I valued her friendship but that I thought the girls needed a break from each other. After a few weeks, we started with some heavily supervised short playdates and things improved. Now the girls can play alone in another room for up to an hour with no drama, and the other little girl only hits once in a great while, to which my daughter responds by saying "don't do that to me". You also ought to move out. Why are you living with your aunt, anyway? Get your life together and get your own place. Teach your daughter to stand up for herself. Straight up tell your cousin she won't be invited to play if she can't be nice, and send her home the minute she acts up. Be firm about it. Good luck.

I don't think there is a nice way to put it if she act like it's not a big issue I would tell her you need to put this child in time out for her action because if she don't stop her now someone in the streets will ,and if they are at your house make them play were you can see them and don't let your child go over to her house ,if you not your aunt can watch you on child because that's a little chuck and sooner or later she going to hurt you baby real bad so stop worrying about you aunt feeling you have to protect this child and your new baby also, I would rather have hurt feeling then a dead child if your aunt care about you she'll get over it and if not sometime we have to make hard choice

A Little About Me: I'm 44 with a 13 soon to be 14 year old son and I love him to death and I would not have a problem put someone in check for him not at any age God give us this gift so you have to do what you got to do because we have to give an account at the end. My name is L. M. married to the Rev.Hubert M.

Dear A.,
I had a similar situation with my stepmother...I had a daughter at the same time that she had a son. Anyway, the rules and discipline in her household were way different than in mine. As a result, I would not allow my daughter to play with her "uncle" unless I was there to supervise. I did talk to my dad about it but it did not help.
Personality wise, she frequently took things the wrong way. I was very careful to not ask her for anything and I told my daughter that we were going to have a vacation aaway from her "uncle". I kept her busy with crafts, puzzles, parks, and meeting new children.
So, my personal reccomendation is that you not approach your aunt with the situation but that either you are always there to supervise or you not allow your daughter to go downstairs. Ride with it for a while and see what happens. In the long run, your daughter will turn out way better behaviorally.
E.

Hi A.,
3 is still very young and I doubt that at heart she is a mean child or a problem child. She just doesnt know how to properly interact with other children. Its very hard for kids to play "together" until they are around 4. Until then, they usually play in the same area or with the same things but are still learning proper "play manners". I understand your frustration because no parent wants their child to be harmed or wronged. If we were talking about 5 or 6 years old, I may have a different opinion, but these are little little kids. what I would do is not allow them to play together out of your sight. Really at that age, they should be supervised at all times anyway. That way you can lovingly correct the little cousin if she is playing to rough or not being nice. The only way she will learn is to be taught. So everytime she is doing something that is not appropriate, you can correct her and tell her how she is expected to act. At 3, she will not get it instantly, but over time she will learn and at the same time your daughter will also learn good play manners from your teachings. Just try not to take it personal or have hard feelings toward the little one. This is a transitional age for kids and it takes some patience and understanding to get through them. Good Luck.

you just need to be straight forward with your aunt. tell her if her daughter doesn't being violent towards your daughter they can't play togther anymore. tell when she is in your house, she has to obey by your rules. let girls play in your house or outside together with close supervision so if the girl starts acting up, you can separate them. if your aunt "takes it the wrong way" so be it...you have to protect your child. and your aunt needs to discipline and socialize her kid.

i agree with many of the other posters.

even though i was an older mom when i had my daughter, i had a hard time sticking up for her if kids were running over her at the playground and stuff. i do it fine now but it did take a while.

but its your home and your cousin needs to follow the rules. if your aunt takes everything you say wrong anyway, you arent going to win with her so you might as well state the rules or not let your aunt come up with your cousin for a while.

its a hard situation with family. good luck.

Hi, A.! First of all, CONGRATS!!! Aug. 30th will be beautiful......it's my B-Day!! Your her mom and you know what is best. As a mom you are to protect her. Tell your aunt how u feel, u both are adults and if she does not respect that, then... OH WELL! We can't always protect our children, but if you see a change in her attitude, maybe keep her away for a little bit. Or lay down house rules and if your cousin and your aunt can not follow them then they would have to leave. But, think about it and consult with your hubby to be!

I am so sorry for your daughter and you. It's bad enough someone would want to harm her but that your aunt doen't do anything is in it's self very sad. Do you have to socalize with you aunt. Be busy and not able to talk. Maybe she will start staying away more.
I was molested at age 3 because my mother sent me to play out of her sight. I am 52 now. I still have problems because of it.
It is also a shame the girls aren't the same age and size. I would say do what I did once with my oldest son. I taught him that violence never solves anything to walk away from a fight.
Well there was this one boys in our appartment building who was a bully. He beat up everyone. His father even bragged about how he could beat any kid in the complex's butt.
I got tired of my son going outside to play and coming in crying and making him then stay in. It was like he was being punished. So I sent him outside and told him he was not allowed back in till he beat this kids butt.
Well as soon as he saw my son he went out and hit Michael. I watched this from the patio door. Of course Michael tried to come in and I had the door locked. I told him to go beat this child's butt. He went out and did it. One hard punch and this boy went running in to cry at this mom.
She told me later she was glad someone had stood up to him. She had been embarassed about his behavor but didn't know what to do.
It is your job to protect your child and tell your aunt so. Maybe if you spanked the child when they are at your house. Your rules are to be respected in your home. Tell your Aunt if she refuses to spack her you will and if she doesn't like it stay away. As this child grows she will become a bully and have problems in school with others. Also the law because others will bring charges againist her and your aunt.

I would start spending more time away from the house with other children to interact with. Maybe join a playgroup or the library reading group. This way your daughter can see that the way her cousin treats her is not the norm and that other children can be respectful and kind. It will help her stand up for herself and teach her how to interact. Otherwise, she will think the interaction she has with her cousin is normal and you will start having trouble with your own daughter's behavior. You also need to not be afraid to defend your daughter. If your aunt doesn't stop her daughter from behaving badly, then you can. I've had to do this and it's hard, but very liberating! When she is being selfish or mean, you step in and tell your neice,"this is not acceptable behavior and you may not play with this toy or with your cousin until you can share" or something along those lines. The first time I said that to someone else's child in front of the mother, I was nervous, but I felt triumphant because I stuck up for my daughter and set the example for her to learn to stand up for herself. If your aunt doens't like it, she can stay downstairs. It will show your aunt, that your daughter's well being is your top priority. It may also open her eyes that she is the adult and needs to take control instead of letting her daughter rule the roost.
Good luck!