Needing Some Romance Back in My Marriage!

you really need to think back to how you both made time trying to get together...wishing you both all the best and have fun! L.... I've been down this road myelf, we actually got so comfortable with the marriage, that we stopped communicating/and listening... plase know that my life is more miserable now, alone, than any roommate-style relationship ever was.

Do you have any family close by? If you see if once a month someone would watch the kids. Go out and have "date night". Married or just living together it is neccessary to have time alone. Even if its just dinner, movie, or a walk in a local state park, as long as it is just the two of you. Good Luck

It is hard to juggle everything but I make time with hubby even though that means saying no to other things. I have to limit my kids and the activities becasue it can take over and family time is important to me. We are strict about family dinners where everyone gets to share their day - but then we are also strict that when mommy and daddy are talking (usually while cleaning up from dinner together) that is our time and we are not to be bothered - although it is not a date or time away from the kids, it is our time to communicate. We also try to find sitters and spend time together as much as possible.

I will first admit I didn't read everyone else's post, so I apologize if I repeat. I did read some and just thought I might offer some suggestions.
Instead of waking hubby up as soon as the kids get out of school, go to the library or somewhere where you can start the homework. Let him sleep later during the day (oh yes I know it will not be easy). When you get home, before the kids wake him up, put on an appealing shirt or outfit that he finds attractive, maybe do the make-up thing if he appreciates it. Then let the kids wake him up. When he sees you, you will know it...remember men are more physical than women and they generally notice the outfit first.
Now, if hubby gets an extra hour sleep after work that will give you time with him after the kids are in bed in replace of his nap. Join him in the shower or set the romance mood you are looking for while he tucks the last child in. We all love our hubby's dearly, but lets admit that they all can be somewhat dense as to what us women are looking for as far as romance.
As for supper, on your planned night, throw something in the crockpot during the day and eat off of paper plates, that should give you extra time for the library. Also, if you all stay for the sporting event, the children with homework who are not in the event can work on homework while at the sport event and that should create more time for you.
I assume your 2yo stays home with you during the day and all the others go to school. You could aslo try this in reverse. Have someone watch the little one in the am for a few hours and have some time with hubby first thing in the morning. I would still do the crockpot and library so hubby can get his sleep.
Also, does your entire family go to every sporting event for all three children? You could alternate turns...Mom goes on Mond, Dad on Tues, Mom on Wed, Dad on Thurs, and Everyone on Fri, Sat, & Sun. I have a 8yo and 5yo girl; I do my best to get them into the same activity, this year they are both going to the same church group on Wed nights. It makes life ALOT EASIER to have them at the same place at the same time rather than running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. We also limit the amount of activities the children can do b.c there just ins't enough time (or quiet frankly money) to do everything.
I agree with the other mom's that you must tend to your mariage now so that it will last. And once the children are grown you will only have each other. The three cord comment was wonderfully put too! Best of Luck, I pray that helps!

It is definitely time to establish one of two things:
Date night or parent's hour, maybe both.
If you have family in the area talk to them about watching the children for you at least one night a month and you and hubbie go out. It does not have to be an expensive evening, you can go out for coffee and a stroll through the local mall, a quiet dinner for just the two of you, if you belong to the VFW, Legion, Lions Club, whatever they have dances sometimes. Maybe there is a couple clubs at your church.
If the family close by is grandparents maybe they will be willing to keep the children over night once a month which is even better. During the time you and hubbie are together you do not discuss finances! This is time for just the two of you.
Parent's hour is something I went home from a friend's house when I was about 9 and told my parent's about. They talked to Doc and Mom about it and established it themselves and my husband and established it when my children hit 5th and 3rd grade. It does not have to happen every night, but it does have to occur at least 2 to 3 nights a week. Your 10 yo is old enough to keep track of the 2 yo if it happens while they are still up.
During parent's hour you and hubbie pick a room in the house whether it is the kitchen, den, bedroom, or patio during the summer. You fix yourself and hubbie something to drink, you can have snacks if you want. The two of you retire to that area and for the next hour the two of you talk just to each other, no children are allowed in that room for that hour, they are not to come to you with questions, etc., unless it is an absolute emergency. You do not watch television, listen to the radio, and you do not take telephone calls. You may turn on the record player, tape player, or CD player with soft background music but that it all. You can discuss vacation plans, work that needs done around the house, things that need to be purchased, your job, his job, where you want to go on date night, or anything else that comes to mind. You do not argue and you do not discuss any topic that is upsetting to either of you.
Just remember, no children are to interrupt parent hour. If they come to you they are told to go back to the movie they were watching, their room, whatever but it is parent's hour and they have your attention the rest of the time.
He may have to get an hour less nap those days, you may have to give up something as well, but for a healthy marriage you owe yourselves this time, take it.
Doc and Mom were married 63 years, my parents 47, and my husband passed away after 29 years. I have to say parent's hour saved my marriage for us and we were much happier after establishing it. I worked days and he worked evenings and weekends the last 6 years so it wasn't easy to establish but we did it for our marriage and each other.
Good luck

There are a lot of good points made in other post...
I know what you mean - I've been married for 20 yrs and we have 7 children ages 2-15. It's very very hard to find time for us. We have to keep up with life and the kids, and very often feel that we are just friends that pass each other in the halls. Communication is so important. If you both acknowledge to each other that the romance and marriage is getting pushed to the end of the line, it makes a huge difference. Identifying a problem is half the battle. After that, making time for the two of you isn't as hard as it sounds because you both realize the need. Your 'couple' time doesn't have to be grand, and romance does not have to be a grand gesture.
Over the years, I am more impressed and touched by the little things he does - things that show courtesy and thoughtfulness - like cleaning something without being asked, offering to handle a two parent job by himself so I can have an hour to myself... And I in turn plan romance for us after the kids go to bed. A date night would be wonderful, but that only happens once every couple of years. In between, we have to create our own 'couple' time, and sometimes it's 10 minutes, and sometimes it's an evening after the kids go to bed.

Get thee a babysitter for Saturday night and date your hubby!

C.

So I had to leave a public one too, I know I sent a personal one but I just wanted to add to your long list of responses. I really think the date night thing is a good idea and I don't know how your call a sitter situation is or if you even have a sitter to call being a stay at home momma but if you ever need something you can get a hold of me. There's always room here for 4 more, lol. Keep your head but beautiful lady, it can't last forever.

D.,
It is as though you have just written my life story on your question! I am also a stay at home mom with a third shift husband. The only difference is we do not have all the kids!! My husband and I just choose one day - whether it is once a month, or once a week - we are lucky to get it once a week at least - where we can just spend time to ourselves. It doesn't require a night out or anything, sometimes we just lounge on the couch, in eachothers arms. You need just that one night to make you feel whole again, and if your husband is anything like mine, he will also need it to feel human again! I wish you the best of luck!

I'd be asking him to cut out that nap right before work. My stepdad works thirds. He sleeps until about 5 and then gets up and leaves for work around 9 or 10. If your husband is sleeping enough during the day, he shouldn't need that nap before work. That would be a quick and easy fix because you guys could have some adult time then!

All I can suggest is find a baby sitter, anyone you can trust. Make Saturday your date night and start dating again. You don't have to do much, just be alone with him for a couple of hours. If he ever has a long weekend call up that sitter. Your relationship with your husband is important and it will effect you kids whither it is good or bad.

Good luck.

Hi Danielle, I am not a marriage counselor but w/ the rate you guys are going you are both set up for failure. My suggestion is to have @ least 1 day a wk for both of you then work your way up to more. Have a family member babysit for a few hrs & have some us time. Seems like your husband sleeps most of the day. If he could wake up for just an hr or 2 during the day when baby takes a nap, then that could also be shared time, since he naps again before he goes off to work. You guys may also want to seek counseling & I know they will have tons of option available for you. They are the expert. We have a great counselor for referral that we have used in the past. Communication is also important so you can let your husband know how you are feeling, maybe he thinks everything is ok. This is a very important issue that need to be address ASAP. Good luck & I hope it all works out for you.

I totally know how you feel. After I had my son EVERYTHING was diminished. We went MONTHS without sex, and it started becoming the norm.
Things have picked up a little for me (I signed up as a Pure Romance consultant) and have started using some of the products they have available to try and spice up our sex life. Things are n't back 100% yet.. but they're getting there.

Try new things! It might help rekindle it. :)

Good luck!

Hello, I have been married for almost 10 years and agree with the fact that all marriages have their highs and lows. Marriage does require work but is so worth the time put in to make it work. I have seen so many of my friends marriages fail and have seen the heartache is has caused to all involved. My biggest piece of advice is to put God first and then each other. " A cord of three strands is not easily broken". My parents have been married for over 30 years and I witnessed this growing up. God first, each other second. Some day when the kids are grown all you will have is each other so take time to nuture your marriage. My husband and I often spend time alone after we put our daughter to bed. I know it is hard at times because you are so tired from the day but it is so nice to have that time to catch up and if we are really tired we will make some coffee to keep us awake. We like to sit on our back deck and light our chimnea, play a game, watch a movie, snack on bread & dipping oil or just talk and cuddle. I know it makes it hard working different schedules, is there any way your husband could transfer to first shift? My sisters husband worked second shift for much of their marriage and he was recently able to transfer to first when someone retired. It has been so nice for my sister to now have him there to help her and it is alot better for their marraige. I wish you the best and hang in there it is worth the effort!!!!

Hi D.,

Great posts! I just want to remind you that if you want your marriage to work out, you have to make time for you and him... and not just doing things together, but also having sex! Don't wait for him to initiate it, but you make the first move... I guarantee that he will not mind a bit!

I just read a book by a remarkable woman, Vickie Stringer, who wrote a book called "Let that be the reason." She used to own an escort service and gave all the graphics of what type of things men asked for... some of them married men. I don't say this to scare you, or to apall you, but just remember that men do love sex, and many times if they don't get their needs met, they will turn somewhere else, even if they have to pay for it.

As some of the other ladies have mentioned, please remember the beginning, when you used to love being together. Granted, it won't be exactly the same, but let your love grow. Find time to talk about the things that you both enjoy now, and try new things together.

Wishing you all the best in your relationship!

God bless,
I.

Boy do I wish I had some advice for you! I am in the same boat. My husband is a sports writer so he works all sorts of weird hours and travels a lot. I work from home full time and also take care of our 18 month old daughter. I got pregnant on my honeymoon and was sick and on bed rest most of my pregnancy, so we never got that "honeymoon" phase. He was just complaining last night about how I don't make any effort to be "feminine" anymore (which is his way of saying I don't wear perfume, do my hair, dress up, etc. like I did when we were dating) and that all of the romance has gone out of our relationship. It really hurt to hear him say that, because I also gained 40 lbs with the pregnancy and haven't lost any of it! I try to stay up late so that I can be with him and have couple time at night, but he doesn't come to bed until 2 or 3 a.m. and I have to be up at 7 a.m. doing my morning job! He always tries to start being romantic around midnight when I'm so tired I can't even keep my eyes open. I am eager to hear from others how they put the romance back in!

Good luck,
A.

I suggest doing something romantic for your husband. WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATION of how he will respond!! You want romance in your marriage (or at least some here and there in your hectic life) then put some in it. The "gift of romance" you give is to yourself (you are the one missing the romance). I think you may be suprised (maybe immediate or sometime later) at the reaction you do get. You feel "romance" because you have answered your thought "i miss romance" and your husband gets a little excitment just by being himself and excepting your "gift" (lucky man! ;-) ) Romance does return, just in a different way, your life sounds full embrace it! OH YEAH the most important thing...you have to get creative with time on this one....I only have two kids and a second sometimes is all I have to do "romantic" but it pays many times over! Go Get Him !!

I too stay at home but I provide childcare as my occupation. My husband and I have 3 children (17, 15 & 12) and he worked 2 jobs for many years. We too were beginning to "live seperate lives" and next thing I knew he turned to someone else as his "surrogate wife". He spent more time with work people than me and it went badly. We worked through it and both realized we had to make changes if we were going to work. I love him with all my heart and forgave him, now we are focusing on our future and the life to come. My advice to you, really take the time to figure out what is important to the both of you. You made vows before God (I assume) and that is not to be taken lightly or taken for granted. Work out some type of schedule that creates time for your kids, time for you independently (that is important too) and time for each other. The little things are more important than the big things. Why does he lay back down at night before he goes to work? If he is sleeping during the day that should be enough sleep for him. I certainly do not stop mid day and take a nap. Take that time in the evening before he goes to work, put the kids to bed, and focus on each other. Watch TV, play cards, watch a movie, make love. Also - - take time every couple weeks to go on a date, just like the old days. My husband and I take turns planning the date. He picks things he likes to do and I do the same. Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone. I have gone to the batting cage, the driving range, and the bike path. He has gone to the scrapbooking store with me, taken walks, and gone to movies, even canoed. Whatever you do, please do not lose each other. You owe it to your 4 kids to show them how to love somebody. They learn fromn us and will "pay it forward" when they grow and have their own lives and children. Good luck!!

Dear D.,

If you want to continue to be married you MUST make time to be together. It sounds like you do have a hectic life with all of your children and your schedules. But you can take the time to be with your husband each week. I understand about him working third shift. That's a difficult one that doesn't even allow for the two of you to sleep next to one another for at least that closeness. However, he has Friday and Saturday nights off, right? Perhaps you should make Friday night your "date night". You could do your normal routine throughout the day and then make a plan for the evening that would include something fun for the two of you to do that would culminate in a candle light evening in your room.
I know this sounds difficult but if you are willing to set this night aside from "kid stuff", you will re-connect with your husband and you will all be much happier and content:)
I hope you'll give this a try. Every couple should have one date night a week. The kids will get used to it and will love their smiling, loving, happy parents!

I'll be married 24 years this month, and I assure you that the romance and connection definitely ebbs and flows (like the tide of a beach). Since he works this particular schedule, do you have any alone time on Fridays for a daytime date? Is there a way to have Sunday night dinner with family and then along time afterwards? One of you has to schedule it or it will not happen.
I love my husband more now than when I married him, but He also gets on my nerves more. We work and play best when we build in date night, or work on a project together (colaboration for our home, etc.) Good luck.

You have to communicate this to HIM!!! The biggest thing that I learned from my first FAILED marriage was that you have to confide your feelings in each other. My husband had become a roomate and not my friend. Instead of confiding in him, I chose to "confide" in someone else. I am one of these people that truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and everyone you meet, you meet for a reason. It's what you take from that experience that counts. While I wish things had worked out differently, I don't regret the mistakes we both made. I have come out of it with the knowledge that in order to make my marriage work now, that we have to always be friends first and make time for each other. Even if it is for 15 minutes in between jobs and kids. The older ones can help keep an eye on the little ones for 15 min for you to go lay with your husband before he gets his 2nd nap and simply talk about work or your days.

First how many actiivites are the kids in? i can't believe how much kids do these days and their parents are constantly running them around--happily married parents is more important to your kids than being in everything that interests them! let them each pick ONE activity to be a part of--sports, dance class, scouts etc. They can change it each season if they want--connect with other parents and car pool for some of the time--assure them that you will be there for any very important times, but maybe not every time.The older kids should all be doing chores by now so you are not doing all the housework--it might take more time in the beginning but will pay off as they get used to the idea! Do you have any family to help with the kids? Other couples you can exchange child care with? Are their other bio parents involved in their lives? Make a regular date night --it is a must! It does not have to be expensive--going to a coffee house and listen to music, take a picnic in good weather to a park, just the 2 of you. I have a couple good friends with children the same ages and we exchanged child care on weekends so we could all get some time away from kids. And at least twice a year my fiance and I have a long weekend getaway(kids are all grown now, but when they were younger they would stay with Aunt/Uncle or grandparents). We rent a cabin in the country or a B&B. You might prefer a hotel--but it is good to get away entirely! But also on a daily basis it is good to keep up loving actions--kiss each other hello and good bye, cuddle, massage shoulders/feet, tease, tickle, laugh, hold hands--remember how you are together is the model your kids are watching in how a loving marriage should be! When you look at eachother remember why you fell in love--also say something nice to each other every day--maybe something you appreciate or like etc. Above all keep a sense of humour--it helps in most situations! And remember your kids will grow up and go away some day!So enjoy your time with them but also cultivate your relationship with hubby since you will be without the kids someday!

Hi D.,
There is alot going on and it does make you feel that things are out of control but you and your husband do have that control. It is up to the both of you to evaluate you guy's schedule and seek when to schedule the time. If your marrigae is not the priority then other things will not work out in the family. When it is looked as that important then other things are not so important. And remember that it is little things or short amount of times here and there alone with each other that can mean alot. Do not forget these times will pass and nothing ever stays the same.

D., I know that you think that everything you do is for the family, but the most important thing that you have to remember is your marriage! Without you and your husband there is no family!
I will be married to my soul mate 22 yrs in Nov. We have 3 WONDERFUL kids! And every marriage has its lulls. But you have to keep the romance going. Romance is more important for the woman than it is the man, but he needs it too.
Believe me after 22 yrs we have had many ups and downs in the romance department. But the most helpful thing I did was to talk to my husband about how it effected me. All though our husbands are not stupid, sometimes you DO have to draw them a picture! Or as my husband says "we are not mind readers" Talk to him, tell him that you miss the romance in your relationship. You dont want this to fester, it will only grow resentment and eventually could cause many problems. What happens is we get too comfortable in our relationship, and figure that everything is ok...normal!
I would suggest you make a date night. Call on the grandparents or friends who you can exchange sitting duties with. It dosent have to be a expensive date, go for a walk in the park, have a picnic, Go parking!(you would be surprised at how exciting this is) Keep the SPARK alive in your relationship! But everyday you need to let each other know how you feel about them by your actions, words, touches and looks.
But don't always leave it up to him to plan it. You can kiddnap him and wisk him away for a night also. He wants to be courted also.
Yes your children and all of their activities are very important, but keeping mom and dad happy and together is the most important thing for the family! So make the time!

you need to have a date night at least once a month. it really does help.

Date Night! You must schedule date night into your busy schedule. I learned that this is a must. You have to for you and your husband, or sooner or later you just start to feel like roommates. Take a night about once a month (more if your schedule allows) and send the kids to grandma and grandpa's house (or another trusted caregiver) and you and the hubby take some time for your relationship. When my husband and I first started scheduling date nights, we would go out for dinner, go to the movies, or do something like that. We have now found that we like to stay home! We will just watch movies together, take a walk, or just sit and talk over a bottle of wine. It really helps rejuvinate the relationship and I feel like it even helps the kids out because mommy and daddy need this kind of time to be better mates and parents! Hope it helps!

A little about me.....
I am a wife to my husband of 5 years and a mother to a WONDERFUL 2 year old daughter. I work full-time.

Hello D.
I agree with Kim V about how important it is to communicate your feeling with each other and with everyone else that mentioned date night. Keeping our relationship a priority we have found to be a must. We also just went on a Marriage Encounter (http://www.wwme.org/new.html) weekend here in Ohio and wow what a powerful w/e experience working to improve our communication skills, not only with each, but with our children too.

I think that Debrah R hit the nail on the head so to speak. You have to communicate with your husband. They don't think like women so you have to tell them how you feel. Marriage is work no doubt but it doesn't have to be a full time job if you both work at it and have open communication. If financially you can't afford a baby sitter for date night and you have no one close that can help with this since your husband works nights pick Saturday nights as your night and after the kids go to bed rent a movie or find a something you both enjoy. Compromise and stay up late on Sat night make some of that time for couple time. It doesn't have to be expensive just time together. Pull out some of the memories that you have of the two of you together. There had to have been some couple time before you were married since both of you had kids before you were married. Try to reinact those times.
We too are on second marriages each with kids from those. We don't have any together but we still find our own time to call our own. It is so important to stay connected.
Remember men don't get it you have to explain it to him. It will make you both much happier as parents and as a couple.

D.,
I can understand, we have 3 very active children and my husband works out of town and is gone at least 3 days a week. We decided when they were quite young that I the end we would only have each other so we needed to make us a priority. We tried every other week to have a date, sometimes all we could afford was the sitter, so we would go to Lowe's and just walk around. We also used a book called 101 nights of romance by laura corn. Some of the stuff is a little racy but if you felt it was to much you could tone it down a little. I know its hard with the activites and wanted to spend time with your children but if their parents aren't making a connection, soon there will be no marriage and you know what that leads to. Also it made us better parent because we were refreshed and more likely to be on the same level with the way we handled the kids. We tried not to talk about the kids on our date. I hope this helps
T.

D.,
I can SO relate to this!!!!!!!!
We have 2 boys in football monday-saturday! Don't get home until 8-8:30! I know how juggled we fill with 2 I can only imagine how you feel with 4!
Have you talked to your hubby?
Set a date nite, even if YOU have to do it. Set the date and say don't make plans on october....such an such we're going on a date, provided you can get a babysitter and it works into your finances.
Maybe a little break from the kids for you and hubby will do you some good.
As far as romance, you can do little romantic things, my husband and I send each other little love notes (some times sexy ones) to our phones...or leave and i love you have a good day at work note in his boot...start out little and it will start to bring the "spark" back. I don't have much other advice then that, can only sypathisis sp? with you and hope you find some time for you and hubby,
S.

My 2 cents: Get the kids off to school in the morning - and then join your hubby a few times a week in the MORNING!! before he sleeps. I'm sure he will not complain.

You get the best of both worlds - you still get your day with your kids and some "yummy" time with hubby.

Make time - you'll both reep the benefits!

About me: Married 19 years w/2 teenage boys now!

I agree with points from everyone. I, like Kim, learned a LOT from my failed marriage. After our son was born, we just became room mates. He worked third shift too so that he could make more money and I could be at home with our son. In the end, I think the schedule was a major contributing factor to the failure. Talk whenever you can and make sure that he has a chance to express his feelings. My ex husband was so stressed all of the time since he was the only "bread winner" for many years. Sometimes I look back and think it may have been better FOR US if I would have worked at least part time and if he would have been on days. I think scheduling time for US was just too hard when he was on an opposite schedule from the kids and me. Make sure you schedule date nights as well...we failed in that area too. But....live and learn...I learned so many things that I would do differently if I am ever in a major relationship again.