Needing Help with Sibling Issues with a 2.5 Year Old and 5.5 Month Old

It is going to be very difficult to get a young preschooler to understand that she has to share your attention. I would not be using timeouts...your daughter is only displaying the natural feelings of a two and a half year old. To try to suppress these feelings is just really telling your daughter that her emotions do not count and that she therefore, does not matter. (Rejection of her is not the message you want to be sending) Physically acting out against a baby...yes this would need to be stopped....but that might be where you are headed if you do not allow a way for your daughter to express her feelings somehow...YOU may have to pick out an acceptable way...and guide her to use it. (Drawing, puppets etc...)
Much has been made of "treating" our kids behavior in order to shape it into something we like to see. (No whining etc) I ask, at what price? The price might just be the strength and depth of our relationships with our kids. See Canadian child psych Gordon Neufeld for more info...I am a special education teacher and can vouch that what he puts forward makes a lot of sense. A lot more than all the stuff I have been taught to do for classroom management.

Hi, S.--One thing to keep in mind is some of this is just normal for a 2 1/2 year old without siblings. I have a 2 1/2 year old with no other children, and we spend a good part of our day dealing with whining and tantrums...:) I do timeouts, too. As far as with the sibling stuff, friends of mine who have already had their second child make an attempt to do some things 1:1 with their oldest whenever they can--i.e. when Daddy is home, or if you have family that can watch the baby for you. Hope it helps.

Hi S.,
My kids are two years apart, so I had the jealous issue with my oldest when my daughter was born. I told him that we all need to take turns and I would tell him that now is his sister's turn with Mommy and he would have a turn soon. Then when my daughter would nap, I would spend 20-30 minutes with him. The house chores will be let go, but spending extra time with the oldest is worth it. I just read a book called, The Self Confident Child and they talk about when children are less than 3 years apart in birth order that the oldest can self confidence issues, so the more time the parents spend with the child, the more self esteem they will have (they recommend 20-30 minutes per day).

Being a home daycare provider for two years, I learned a lot on how to give my own children attention. When I started watching children, my two year old starting biting, scratching, kicking and hitting. I was so confused because she had always been the sweetest little girl. I finally realized that she was just simply vying for my attention.

So, when all of the children would go down for a nap, my own children were allowed to stay up for an hour longer. I would get on the floor and play with them, hold them while we watched our favorite movie, read books, frost cookies,give them a 'special' snack, etc.I tried to make them feel like they were 'big' and got to do special things because they were 'big.'

I also have to do all of my shopping at night. I prefer to go on my own, but I realized that this would be a good time to spend one on one time with my children. I choose one child to take with me and they get to pick a small toy(think dollar section) for helping me at the store. My children also get to go to work with daddy on occasion to get their alone time with him. No more vying for attention and acting out:) They both feel loved and accepted!

Your daughter is a bit jealous. Try to set up special time with just her. Read a book, do a craft, watch a movie while the little one is sleeping. She sees the "special" time that you give your 5 month old, feeding, diapers, and she doesn't really understand why she gets that time, and she doesn't want to give more attention to her. My daughters have the same age difference, so I can understand.

Tantrums between siblings at these ages are a reflection of a deep unconscious question the girls have, "who does Mommy love best in this situation?" Each time you address one child or the other, you-in their minds, are making a decision about who Mommy loves best right now.

I know YOU aren't doing that, but the girls thinking process in not fully developed yet, so they’re using their immature reasoning and that’s what they unconsciously think! The motivation to *continue the tantrums* is some immature thinking something like this, “maybe Mommy will change her mind if I cry and whine and maybe this time she will choose me to address first.”
Again this is all unconscious, yet needs to be addressed, and a long talk will not do it.

Children at this age need parents to show them not talk to them about this. Since the girls aren’t even aware that this is why they’re behaving that way, a long conversation will go right over their heads. They need to be shown over and over again, “I love you both and I will not choose one over the other.”

Try redirecting and positive reinforcement with the girls when they begin fussing and tantruming. Instead of admonishing them when they misbehave, try a completely different response.
Try thanking them as soon as you see *any behavior* that is sweet, kind or respectful in that situation, including saying, “thanks for not screaming, you quiet words really help right now.” And thank them at any other time that you see them being sweet to each other. And try not *really* addressing some of the tantrums. Be present but don’t focus on the nasty behavior, try saying “I see two girls both looking for love, I have one side of my body for you and other the side of my body for you, come and get hugs.”

Then because we know they won’t want to share you, tell them, “If you don’t want to share a hug with sister, you can wait.

*Then in 1-2 seconds* - before the child can ramp up into a tantrum-and even if whining and whimpering has begun- say “thank you for waiting so beautifully, come get your hug now.”
Then *make sure to complement* the other sister as she waits. Do this for several days in a row and watch the magic this creates.

The child begins to see, “WOW, there are other places I can get attention, just for me, from Mom. One way is to do what she asks, cause now I get lots of praise when I wait. Before I got yelled at because I couldn’t wait.”
Good Luck. The Mommie Mentor, ProActive Parenting

If you enjoyed this tip, we’ve just posted a whole bunch more of them, and they’re all free!
Take a look at our website and listen to an audio on the left sidebar, that has a great short story. On the right sidebar we posted archived questions and answers from parents just like you, and several years worth of archived newsletters with even more tips and ideas! Come see if your question has already been answered! www.proactiveparenting.net (notice .net)

Hi S.,
I have two daughters as well, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. Sibling rivalry is something we deal with all too often. I would suggest setting some time alone with your older daughter. Maybe during the baby's naptime you could find an activity, baking cookies, reading, playing outside, for just you and her to do together. I used to do that when my girls were your daughters ages and it seemed to help. That will give you some time to just focus on her without having to split your attention. Good luck!

try reading siblings without rivalry by faber and mazlish, can probably find at the library

I found with my sons (similar age difference) that when I was nursing, I would have my older son sit next to me and bring a book for me to read to him while I nursed. It took some juggling, but he felt included while I had to sit still. Even if the book doesn't work, you could have cuddle time with both and talk to your older daughter while you feed your younger daughter.
Another thing to try, that I just read about in the Happiest Toddler on the Block is to take a timer and have 5-10 minutes of "special time" for each child. Basically, you focus entirely on that one child (maybe while the other takes a nap?) and let her choose the activity. He recommends that you do it 2-3 short times a day rather than one long period at this age. Good luck! From experience, it does get better.

Hey S.,

I agree with Elizabeth. It is very important to deal with the heart of the issue, not just the behavior it generates. Putting your daughter in time-out when she is so obviously needy of you is only exacerbating her feelings of jealousy and frustration at her requirement to share your time and attention with this new little interloper. Instead, re-direct. Don't take all the whining so seriously-certainly don't punish her for it when it is generated by her desire to have you near. All this behavior modification at this age is so unnecessary, and so much more about us than it is our children. It is easier and more expedient to deal with a tantrum by putting your kid in another room, but it is so dismissive of her feelings, which, frankly, are normal and warranted from a child's point of view. Give your older child more, now, not less. Set aside time with just her-enlist the aid of your husband when he comes home and each of you take a kid for a bit. You don't have to waste a good part of your day disciplining her,and you can't expect she's going to want to help with the baby she obviously sees as competition at this point. Be flexible- you've just totally rocked her world, and she's adjusting to it in the only way she knows how. Give your big girl extra hugs and kisses. Put the baby down sometimes and pick up the big kid when she asks you to do so. Nothing can substitute for your time and attention. I know it's hard, I have 2 the exact same age spread, but your little girl didn't ask for this new baby and she should be allowed a certain amount of protestation as a validation of her feelings. Deep breath, stay calm, act from a place of love, and try to cut back on the punitive measures. They are spirit breakers when overused.

Take care,

Al

It sounds like your older daughter is experiencing very normal feelings and responses to adjusting to a new sibling. Even though she's mature for her age, it's still hard to adjust to sharing Mama. Instead of punishing her for her feelings, try talking to her about them. I've found that acknowledging children's feelings helps to work through the behavior. A simple, "I know it's hard when I'm busy with your sister. Why don't you think of something special for us to do when she takes a nap?" or "I can tell that you're very upset right now. We can talk about it when you're done screaming." Right now, she's getting A LOT of attention from you with her tantrums. If you remain calm and set the boundary in a loving way that you can discuss her feelings when she calms down (and then do it), it will go a long way to resolve her behavior.

The goal is for her needs to be met (having her feelings of jealousy acknowledged) and your desire for appropriate, pro-social behavior to be met. I have found that with most two year olds, letting them know that you understand where they're coming from diffuses the situation enough to get to the heart of the issue and finding a solution that works for everyone. Good luck.

S. congratulations on your two kids!!! I am going through the exact same thing with my two boys 2 1/2 years and 3 months. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice, but I can say we go through the same things you've described everyday. You have already got a lot of advice and I am going to try a few tips as well - thanks for posting your issue - it has helped me realize I am not alone. =)

Hi S.,
If it is possible, more one on one time with your 2.5 year old will definitely help. She's not use to sharing her mommy, and this is a huge adjustment for her. If you can provide her with more one on one, undivided attention with her, then it will help her to realize that she isn't being left out, and that mommy still loves her etc. Even though this isn't what you are doing, this may be how she is feeling and the only way she knows how to express these feelings, is by her actions. Children can't vocalize their feelings, so it all comes out in their actions....I feel for you. You are doing a great job with both your children, please remember that. I hope this helps. Take care and many Blessings to you and your family!

The book, "Siblings Without Rivalry" is an excellent resource.

Well since the issue doesn't seem to be sibling rivilary but jelously I would suggest that just you and your older daughter spend some alone time together and when it is the three of you ask your older daughter for lots of help and thank her often.

I have found that when I give my older sibling a little extra attention and snuggle time, when the baby is napping or content or just whenever I can, it makes the biggest difference. Also giving her praise and positive attention makes her so happy. They do eventually get used to having to share your time, it might not always be easy for them but it gets better with time. Nothing lasts forever with parenthood. :)

I'd say she's just being 2 1/2....have fun!

Hi S.,

My suggestion would be to have a "date night" with your eldest (2.5 years old) daughter. She just wants you to herself. I do this twice a month with my daughter and she loves it! We will go to dinner and shopping, or the park and a movie. Not only does she love the one on one time, she loves being treated like my big girl.