Need Help with an 18 Month Old Who Is Hitting.

With my 18 month old, I praise, praise, praise the correct behavior. I show him how we act towards other children, and when he does the right thing, I make a huge deal out of it. He wants to do the right thing, because that's what gets him attention.

I'm old school on this kind of behavior...whenever I caught my kids hitting someone else, I'd get down at their level, grab their hands and hit them right back. Same with biting. I only had one biter, but I bit her back and she never did it again. I know this works, because I receive compliments ALL the time from EVERYONE. Timing is crucial, you have to deliver the discipline quickly. My children are respectful, kind, and compassionate. Not perfect, they still squabble and need my intervention and mommy management, but one thing for sure is that I don't tolerate aggressive physical behavior.
Good luck!
Jennifer

"Smart" or not, an 18 month old is an 18 month old. To expect so much more of such a young child is unreasonable, for anyone.
Yes, what he is doing is very normal for his age. (Consult any books resources on toddler behavior if you have any doubts.)
No, we adults don't like seeing this kind of behavior, but remember, you did sign up for this job of parenthood willingly. You can't just skip steps you do not care for. (Wouldn't that be nice)
You may lose the job because this other mom has unreasonable expectations, about this behavior, or maybe other future stuff. I guess the question then becomes "Do you really want someone else running the direction of your parenting?".
I might point out that if your son has to share your attention with this other youngster, the attention he gets when he hits him may keep driving him to continue to do it....maybe more frequently. I thought that the strategy of showering attention upon the "victim" right after such an incident might at least not fuel that fire.
I am not so sure that punishments (timeouts, scolding, taking away toys) are really that effective with such young kids. Or any kids for that matter. Long term studies do not seem to support such measures. I'd check out some more resources on gentle discipline to deal with normal child behavior situations such as this.
You will feel more confident if you know what direction you want to take. You sense what you are doing now is not effective, so keep looking for something that will be, yet be respectful of the kids developmental level. Good luck!

Hi L. -

Have you asked your son why he wants to hit the 10 month old? Sit down with him and talk with him. I have no doubt he will understand you. Don't be angry, just be calm and talk with him. He is getting a reaction out of you when he goes to hit the 10 month old - maybe that's all he wants? It may be a simple case of jealousy - the other child is getting mommy's time and he wants it. Explain to him that watching the other child is a job and that he is your #1.

If you feel there is more emotion there, you might consider trying flower essence formula(s) before he sees the other child.

If you need more information on flower essences, let me know.

Blessings,

M. M. Ernsberger
Certified Clinical Herbalist
Certified Life Coach
Certified Hypnotherapist

Hi L.,

I had a problem that is very close to what you are going through. Only my daughter was bitting. The little girl I watch is two months older than my daughter, but it didn't stop her from bitting her all the time. All I know is it took time to get her out of the habbit. There was not much I could do. I would tell the little girls mother what had happened and that I was doing everything I could think of. I would also ask the mother what she would try to do. This way the mother feels she has a little control over what is happening. Unless the mother has an answer that you don't agree with, you might like the help to! I was afraidof losing my job too, but one day the other child will start something and the mother will learn that this is just what children do. Ofcourse I notice that this mom always blames my children for what her children are doing. It has been months sense my daughter had bitten her daughter and when she bit her big brother the other day is was all my daughters fault. So be ready. Kids are kids and they want everything done for them and done their way. Hitting the othe kid just might be getting attention he wants. He will grow out of it and the mother of the other child is just going to have to understand that he is still a baby too! Good luck. I'm sorry there was not really good advice for you, but I just wanted you to know that I have been there and my daughter stopped bitting after time of me stopping her and doing the time out and everything else you can try!

This may sound silly, especially since you say he is very smart. But have you modeled "gentle" behaviour towards the baby for him. My son is also very smart and had to be shown proper behaviour towards the little ones. I take his hand and gently stroke my arm, then his arm, and the object of his hitting (cat, dog, baby, etc) and say "gentle". I had to do this several times in the beginning. Now when he starts to hit, all I have to say is "gentle", he strokes his own arm and then is gentle with whatever he was going to hit.
Just a suggestion as an alternative to disciplining since that doesn't seem to be working at the moment. (Don't worry, it will once he figures out what kind of behaviour is acceptable)

I kind of agree with Jennifer...
I am pretty "old school" as well when it comes to discipline. My motto is "swift and terrible".

I would not hit or bite my child (to show them what it is like) but the moment the offensive act happened I would get down on their level, right in their face, clutch their arm and give a very stern and loud "NO HITTING!".

This was such a shock and change from my normal sweet and calm way of conversing with them that it had a shocking effect (simmilar to shaking a can of pennies at a puppy).
I only had to do this one or two times.

It still works to this day. If you get in the habit of not saying "no" all the time or not yelling...when you do children are more apt to pay attention to it.

Despite being very bright, developmentally your son is not able yet to feel empathy or understand how his actions make another child feel. Until you can use that tatic (at around age 3 1/2) I would try and make his world pretty uncomfortable (with the loud correction, removal from the room and withdrawl of your affection for a few moments) right after he hits. He will make the association.

Hi L.,
First, I agree with the first two mothers: old school. One warning, after that, to the room. No need to *really* loose your cool, either: social isolation drives 'em crazy, but they get it.

At 18 months, it is too soon to expect him to understand he could hurt the baby, even if the baby DID cry. He's just not developmentally old enough (which is a common problem I see with children who are really smart and talk as if they are older: adults expect them to have the emotional maturity to go with the language).

Also, stay in very close proximity to block any future hits. It will help to get the idea across to your son, and it will help you keep your job as baby sitter. If you can't protect a baby you're being given responsability for, you are going to loose your job.
T

He does not like another child taking his mom's attention and hitting is the only way he can express it. Teach him alternative ways to deal with his feelings. Watch what is happening when he hits and attempt to interpret what he is feeling. Then teach him alternative ways to deal with it. Crumbling up paper, tearing up paper, coloring with black, beating a pillow are all ways, for example, that one can release frustration and/or anger. Punishing him only contributes to his already frustrating feelings. When he raises his hand to hit, (this requires you to be RIGHT THERE), gently grab his hand and say lovingly, "gentle hands,". Then if he can easily express himself, attempt to find out what he is frustrated about, and give him choices for other ways of releasing it. You may literally need to be beside him every minute for awhile, maybe even months, until he learns. He needs your constant attention to learn a new way. When he uses his hands in any gentle way, comment about it, so he learns what gentle hands are. Last but not least, a word of caution, if anyone is using any hitting in his presence, either against him or anyone else, he will model it, so that would need to stop. I served as a nanny for a 2 yr old when his baby brother arrived, and I worked to curb his hitting. These suggestions are what helped, but the bottom line is, he was/is jealous and did not want baby to arrive. Consistent loving, modeling, and intervening is helping, though. Also found that offering choices to the 2 yr old helped a lot in his feeling better about his "power", so then he didnt have to use his power in negative ways.

Also giving him enough positive attention at other times is also necessary.

Yikes! Please don't hit your son. Any psychologist will tell you that if you want a behavior stopped, you don't model it! Hitting is bad yet you hit him to prove it? Great logic (NOT)

I think it was Kathy who said to get on your knees, and tell your child sternly, 'no hitting.' This is what i read when I studied early childhood development.

Good luck!