Need Help with 9 Year Old.

My daughter is 11, going on 18! She tried to pull the same back talking, rolling eyes, stomping off, slamming her door...she did all these things about twice, then my huaband and I started taking things away- first no tv for a week, second no computer for a week, third no video games for a week, etc.... this works! Also dont let her go anywhere but school and home, grounding works wonders! They are so bored, that they have nothing else to do but think about how it happened in the first place! Good luck...these "tweens" these days are alot different than we were in our "tween" days. UGH!!!! :(

If it was me and my child she would live with soap in her mouth.
J. (Harvest)

oh yes, nothing like a pre teen child to make you want to just run and hide.you tell them NO and they laugh in your
face. they walk out the door in mini skirt and a see through shirt and no bra no panties.. and then act like they have no clue as to why you are embarrassed. so, what to do ??short of shipping them off to a nunnery ?? simple, ( and, yes this worked with my younger sister who copped the same attitude at that age ) the girl needs to see first hand what happens to young girls who find themselves in bad situations because of poor personal choices. take the child to the nearest young womens shelter, and let her see first hand the young mothers who
have three and four dramtically different looking
children apiece and none of these mothers are much older than your daughter. my younger sister, when she went to
our local shelter, at my REQUEST ( shall we say), found
two young mothers, one about fourteen and the other about
sixteen with five children between and they were both
pregnant and fighting over a blanket. their parents had
simply given up on them and you know the babies daddies
were nowhere to be found. this changed my younger sisters
attitude REAL QUICK.. consider this opinion, because it
works.. and you wont have to say anything else to the child
about taking the time to make good personal choices
K. h.

Hi M.,

You might try talking with her when it's not in the middle of a tense moment. Try asking her questions. (Practice because it can be hard when the time comes.) If you steer the questions in the right direction, you can get her to feel that she has had some input while still making your point.

Since you and your husband work hard and pay the bills, you are in charge. It will work much better if you agree to back each other up in front of your daughter (even if you don't agree at the moment). Growing up, my parents always said that, in our house, we live by the golden rule -- he who has the gold rules. They told us that if we wanted to make the rules and do things our way, we would have to take on the responsibilities that went with it --rent, utilities, car payment, etc. They told us that "with privilidge comes responsibility and with responsibiliy comes priviledge." There is a lot of truth to that.

Good luck!!

Have you tried a reward system? Try Printing up a chart on the computer with several tasks for her do do daily, for example, my 6 year old son is expected to make his bed daily, pick up his dirty clothes, and help fold clothes. We put stars next to each task that he completes. At the end of the week, I take him for an ice cream cone or to the arcade as a reward! He has gotten to the point where he will do stuff without me asking him to do things and I will in turn let him pick a small "treat" from the treat jar.(I use the leftover halloween candy, fruit snacks, or pencils. He really enjoys the "treat jar" the most of all!

Try talking to her in a calm and relaxing voice. I'm not sure what her deal is, but she maybe trying to get your attention. I have tried guilt trips with mine and it works. I don't suggest it as a first alternative, but if you've tried everything else, it may help.
Sorry I hope that helps.
: )~

Hi I now have a daughter which just turned 14 .. lucky 4 her .. lol just joking!!!!! I went through the same thing you are. I learned that when I asked her to do something like clean her room, do homework, or anything for "her person" she became a bear. If I asked her to clean something for "me" she was pleased to do it. I could not figure this out to save my life. But anyway when she said no & gave me a hard time about what I asked her to do, the next time she asked me for something I told her NO (going to friends, Mcdonalds, new movie, or special snack whatever). And when she threw a fit about it I told her "when you start doing the things I have asked you to do then maybe I will start doing the things you have asked of me. I am not supposed to be your friend. I am your parent first and then your friend!" I would also leave notes. For example "Jessica, Please clean your room so that I may vacuum it when I get home!! Love ya bunches moms" I placed this note in an envelope and Scrolled her name on the front. It kinda made her feel important! Anyway she is a teen now and it has gotten easier. She realizes how hard I work and is willing to help! I am sure your daughter will soon see it also!

When she pulls that in front of people don't run and hide. Firmly tell her that YOU are the mother and SHE is the CHILD.
Be specific on what you want by a clean room ie make your bed,
put away your clothes.
The only way to get my daughter to change her behavior was to do it the Dr. Phil way. I cleared everything out of her room but the mattress pillow and blanket.It was summer and she lost the mattress & slept on the floor one night. She had to earn her room back to the way it was.
It sounds like you are worn out from work and having full responsibility when you get home. Does she listen to your husband? As parents we need to make a united front.Make sure you both have the same rules.
Good Luck!

Hey M.!

You better nip this in the bud or things will be unbarable when she is 12! This is my advice. Here goes.

1) Quit the spankings. She is too old and it isn't doing her much good. I concur with Jennifer D. Soap in her mouth everytime she said something smart or told you no. Keep your cool...don't yell. Just tell her to meet you in the bathroom.

2.) Find what she loves the most. Take it away. No tv, video games, no friends, no phone, etc. When she smarts off. She can earn them back by doing chores and being nice to you. Helping out around the home. And stick to it when you take something away. No matter how much better she is at the end of the day, and how much she tries to sweet talk you into getting it back, if you said two days no tv, then two days it is. She can always read or study. Or simply go outside and kick a ball around! Don't worry, she'll be giving what she did wrong some thought when she by herself.

3.) When she does this in front of people, give her a warning. If she continues, put her on restriction right there. Very calmly without yelling say "okay, if this is how you want to behave you know the consequences. When you get home you go to your room. No ____ for two days." When she complains (and she will) say fine, make it three. Go get in the car. We'll talk more then. Say your goodbyes and then let her have it on the way home. Explaining to her that in no uncertain terms is that behaivor acceptable. And that if she keeps it up you will find a baby sitter for her when you have to go out in public. Because that is how she is behaiving, like a toddler who doesn't get their way. But you may want to remind her before you go out that if she has a smart mouth there will be a certain consequense. Bottom line.

3.) If you are looking for a more desperate approach, I have seen where taking away everything like tv, video games, etc for one month can be good. They had a bed, books, the basics, and things were better when the month was up. Children have a better appreciation of things when they don't have them. The child earned them back over a certain time period. Something to think about.

I hope I have helped. Again, you gotta nip it in the bud! This is certainly what I would do if this were happening with my own children.

Take care and God bless!
Lee

Hi M.,

Try tough love. She thinks she can rule the house and I'm sure there are times you give in just because it's probably easier. The easy way out will get you the monster tween you're talking about. Put your foot down and ignore her. She's right at the stage of learning how to cook and clean so make her. These are life's lessons. Better to teach her how to sustain herself independantly rather that get her way all the time. She already knows how to manipulate you. Switch the tables. When she throws a fit, look at her like "what the hell is wrong with you". You're not the one acting up so don't feel embarrassed. Let her know she's embarrassing HERSELF. Then walk away. She can't throw a fit if no one's watching. Right?!! If she has a hissy fit at home, ignore her again. Don't talk to her if she can't conduct herself like a little lady. No one wants to talk to a brat, even if it's your own flesh and blood. Tell her if she wants to act like runs the house then she can for her portion of it. Make her cook her own food, within reason of course, and wash her own clothes. She'll hate you for it but in the end she'll have learned a few valuable skills and realized that Mom isn't so bad. You really have to make her accountable for her own actions and start the building process to maturity. Remember, modification has to start on your end. It can be trying but stick with it. Your little girl is practicing "growing up" but unfortunately she going about it the wrong way and getting the wrong kind of reenforcement. With all that said, don't forget to IGNORE her bad behavior, walk away, go to another room or whatever it takes so that you take yourself out of her negative energy. Remember she's the kid, you're the Mom. Good luck!