Need Help Disaplining My One Year Old

You can't really discipline a child this young- they don't have the receptive language to understand what you are saying and won't connect the "time out" to their actions until closer to age 2.

The best thing you can do is immediately say "We don't...." and remove her from the situation and onto something else. At this stage in her development, she is experimenting with her voice, communication, movement and emotion. This is all very typical and will soon be replaced with words and other ways to seeks out attention and feedback.

Love and Logic and Baby Sign Language work WONDERS!

I do think that swatting teaches her to swat and have seen it happen. I swatted my girl one day and she thought it was a license to hit. I've never swatted her again.

The only thing you can do to a one year old when she hits/bites etc. is say "Ouch! That hurts. We only bite food/We don't hit people." And you her down in a safe spot and walk away for a minute.

If she's tantruming, try to see if there's something underlying that you can change - is she doing it when she's tired? Hungry? Certain times of the day? Otherwise, you gotta ride it out. Good luck.

Check out Love and Logic - you can find books, and there are also classes at churches and stuff (I'm looking for one :) This style of discipline is based on making choices, so it teaches the kids to THINK as well as to behave.

Also, at this age, they have a VERY hard time communicating - they can think, but can't express themselves. If you can find books on baby sign language, it might help a LOT with the tantrums cause she'll be able to ask for what she wants. Hope that helps a little!

The truth is that none of us really have the right answer because it's your child and your way of dealing with things.

None of our children are perfect and none of us are perfect parents. It's really all about trial and error.

We went on vacation with some friends a few weeks ago. LOVE the parents, the kids were a mess because although the parents try to discipline, there's no follow-through, and the kids (7 and 3) know it. The kids completely rule that roost, and the parents will lose friends because of it. We found ourselves over-parenting at times to try to show, by example how to do it.

You will want to get a handle on the biting, hitting and tantrums NOW! If you don't, 2 and 3 are going to be a nightmare.

I agree with Krista that Time Outs are completely ineffective with a 1 year-old. Even at 2, they don't fully understand the cause/effect relationship.

Discipline needs to be consistent = punishment for the same behavior. But, it needs to be based upon that child's personality. Our kids are completely different (ages 2 and 4), and their punishments are more based upon their personalities than anything else. The one constant is that we are the authority figures.

Assess yourself in the situation. If you feel you need to adjust your tone of voice, looking them in the eye, etc. make those adjustments until you find something that works.

Our pediatrician recommended redirection. It was the one bit of advice we tend not to disagree with him about. Redirection only teaches them to move onto something different without teaching them that the behavior was wrong in the first place. In our house, it's a FIRM "NO! We do not hit". A few minutes later we ask, "Do we hit? ..... NO".

She's only 1, so it's going to take a while, but the sooner you address it, the happier you will all be and the easier you will find parenting when you hit the rough ages of 2 and 3.

Good luck!

Ug, I've been going through this with my 16-month-old for a couple of months. It's so frustrating.

You're right that your daughter is too young to understand time-outs. However, if you put her in her crib and walk away for a minute, it mostly serves to 1) break her concentration and 2) give you a minute to calm down. It won't teach her anything about the behavior, but it can be useful, depending on the situation, to help you deal with it.

One of the most useful techniques I've found for tantrums is to parrot what I think my son wants. He throws himself on the ground because he wants a cookie, then I tell him, "I know you want a cookie. I understand you want a cookie. We eat cookies after we eat dinner." Or something like that. It doesn't always work, but as often as not, it has a calming affect. I think this is because my son is so frustrated that he doesn't have the words to communicate with me. When it doesn't work, I either try to distract him with something else, or I just walk away. He'll get over it eventually.

With hitting, I grab my son's hands, look him straight in the eyes, and tell him no, we don't hit in this family. Then I show him how to touch me gently. If he hits me out of anger, I remove him from the situation entirely - take away the toy or whatever it is that sparked the anger. Once again, attempting to distract or ignoring after a scold is probably the best way to handle this. Spanking in this instance seems hypocritical to me. I'm not against spanking, per se, in certain situations, but I don't believe it is effective with a child this young and I don't believe it is useful for teaching anti-violence.

For biting, what I have found to work the best is to scream REALLY loudly when it happens. This often scares the baby, which causes them to let go, and they may cry for a minute, but that's okay. Then I tell my son how much it hurt me and please never do it again. My son doesn't bite in anger (not sure how this technique would work in that case) but because he's trying things out, orally, and he's teething really badly right now. Kids don't like to do things that frighten them, and I've found this to be very effective in that case.

This has been a difficult age for me to discipline, as well. Don't worry, you're not alone. Good luck.

What is overall very important... is to build a 'relationship' with your child.
Sure, it sounds common sense. But often times, what we parents do is discipline/punish/scold/give orders/give ultimatums/give time-outs/expect them to be perfect/don't allow them to be themselves... have unattainable 'expectations" on the child or baby. These are not 'relationship" builders... it is the opposite.

When a child feels they are bonded with a parent and have a 'relationship' with them, it can really impact a child and their whole behavior.

A baby this age does not even have impulse-control, nor it being fully developed. Thus, they will not or cannot just stop at-will, nor perfectly.

Your baby, is so young... she is doing what is developmental based.
MANY years to come... of instilling "discipline"/respect/love/empathy/boundaries/manners in a child... even in a College kid too.
Pick your battles...

all the best,
Susan

I agree with Jane. 'swatting' only TEACHES her to hit, it doesn't stop it. Just keep repeating over and over when something hurts and that you don't do that. You have a few years of this ahead of you- repeating and repeating what behavior you want. Your baby is just that- a baby. She is not ready for 'discipline' - just keep repeating what you want.

Yes, teething can make a usually nice child pretty cranky. Also, she may try to bite just to relieve the pain.
Really, you're doing what you should. Time-outs definitely don't work, although taking her out of a situation in which she's upset and hitting or biting is a good idea. Redirection is the best option for now. Don't give in to tantrums, and be consistent with "rules", don't let her get away with something because you don't have the energy to redirect her yet AGAIN.

This is my own very humble opinion and the way that I did things with my older daughter and now that she is 2.5 years she is well behaved, yet still has her moments.

Starting at a year, she would get hand swats and very very firm no's. She also started learning what time out was. I don't think that she understood what time out was, but she sure enough did understand that mommy took her away from what she was doing and that is bad. If she bit me (which didn't happen very often) a tap to the mouth and a time out.

Finding the discipline that works for your daughter is the hardest thing to do, but once you do it stick with it. It is exhausting some days and sometimes you just want to give up and let her do whatever it is she is doing because nothing will work. Don't do that. As hard as it is, it will pay off in the long run. At least for me it did.

Some ideas:

Look up videos of Dr. Harvey Karp (Happiest Toddler on the Block) interacting with raging toddlers, and interviews with parents for whom his approach has made a positive difference. Here's one to get you started:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&f...

I think you're right that time-outs are not likely to work at her age. For some children, they never work. For others, they are a reasonable alternative to more punitive measures, but at any rate, most kids need to be 1.5 years or older before time-outs will start to make sense. And if they are the primary means of keeping a child under control, they will probably eventually backfire.

What you are doing is great, and because of your child's age, and corresponding lack of impulse control, you will be redirecting for the next two years or so. That's how long it takes kids many kids to get it, though if you are completely consistent, behaviors will begin to shift before then.

But even better than redirecting after she's frustrated, pay attention to the situations that will be most likely to trigger her anger, and present her with less frustrating alternatives. This takes attentive parenting, and sounds like a time-consuming drag, but really, you will both be happier and less stressed.

Look for ways to stop telling her no. Give her choices that will get a yes from her. For example, instead of telling her to leave the ___ alone, be sure it's simply kept out of her reach, and have an attractive toy (or better yet, a "big people" gadget in its place. This could be tupperware, a spoon and pan (for stirring or banging), a dead cell phone, etc. Instead of picking her up and taking her for her bath, tell her you have a ___ for her to play with, and she can have it when she's in her bath.

Help her identify her feelings, and give her alternative behaviors that are acceptable. Instead of telling her to stop hitting, get into a hit-that-pillow game with her. You can even help her verbalize, "I'm mad, mad, mad!" (ADDITION: Be sure to help her move away from the angry feelings during this process. Start giggles, silly comments, tickles, whatever it takes to help her learn how to shift into a happier mood. This is a wonderful life skill.)

Also, get your lives as unscheduled as possible so she has time to be a little kid. Teething is very, very hard for lots of children, and just as you have less patience when you have a pain in your head, so does she. Do your best to see that she's rested and not hungry, if these seem to be contributing to her moods.

All behavior is a strategy to get needs fulfilled. Little kids have very poor strategies, because they have very little life experience, and their lives are unbelievably frustrating when you look at it from their perspective. If you can remember that, you have a good chance of setting up your interactions with your daughter in a way you'll both find ever so much more positive.

We feel cranky when we have a toothache or a headache. Our behavior changes due to pain so why should children be any different?

When my daughter gets defiant, I would tell her to do something and say thank you immediately before she does the task. I also say "please go do..." She's almost 4 now so the testing has gotten greater from when she was 1. It still works 80% of the time. The other 20% she ends up in timeout w/o toys or her TV. Once the time out is over (when she's calm) I go in her room and remind her why she is in there and steps forr her to avoid being put in there again.

Good luck.

By any chance is she frustrated because she cannot tell you what her problem really is? Communication is a very important skill and some children need to talk long before they have the ability to talk. Try trying to communicate, listening closely for words that will give you a clue. Most of those "unruly" behaviors are behaviors children have to get attention.
Try it--- it might work.
God bless you with His wisdom

Jane describd it perfectly. Also, by redirecting her to an appropriate activity will help. This book has tons of great advice on how to help. Such as planning ahead for her triggers that target tantrums and fixing them before they happen.

The Discipline Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Better-Behaved Child : For Birth to Age Ten by D. William Sears

http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Everything-Better-B...

You've gotten varied advice, and you'll need to decide what will work best for you.
First - teething can be a nightmare for some kids, so yes - the teeth can cause lots of pain and make a happy baby very crabby. We've found Boiron's homeopathic teething remedy to be very helpful. My son opens his mouth like a little bird when he sees it.
I want to add that you might want to keep track of when your daughter starts having a hard time. Is it when you are cooking, on the phone, when she's tired...etc. I have found that anticiapting those times of day or activities where my kids will need additional attention, an interesting toy or a cuddle has really helped. Heading things off before they become an issue has been the best course for us.
I also use positive wording vs. no - intead of "take the crayon out of your mouth" I say "crayons go on paper", or instead of "no throwing food" I say "food is for eating", etc. I find that the less "no" you can say the more impact "no" does have when you need to use it.
Finally, developmentally, redirection is an appropriate way to deal with a one year old becoming agitated. Offering a different toy, playing a tickle game, turning on some music, may all help distract her from what was making her upset. Love and Logic is great as others have said. Also Playful parenting by Lawrence Cohen is a wonderful book.
Best to you and your little one!
L.

I once read somewhere that the pain that babies have from teething is so severere that no adult would be able to handle it. I thought that was pretty interesting...with that being said, I guess theres a reason why babies teeth when they are babies and I dont' know of anyone who remembers the suffering do you? However, yes, I think she could be miserable from it. I also think that disciplining is so hard. We are so concerned with "teaching" our children right from wrong that sometimes the way we go about it loses the lessons. I found that with my son anyway. Power struggles to the MAX. I am trying to just be positive, redirect, ignore bad behaviors and just focus on the positives. Also ATTENTION...whenever my son was bad (before the age of 3) if he was "acting up" I'd just stop what was going on and pay 100% attention to him, hug him, kiss him love and it seemed to help. A friend told me that kids just want attention and thats why they do things - good and bad and that even negative attention is attention and sometimes that gets the most response. So I try to keep that in mind - it is NOT EASY b/c I've always look at my son through an adults eyes, but the few times I was able to step outside of myself I have to say that the tactics did seem to work.

Updated

I once read somewhere that the pain that babies have from teething is so severere that no adult would be able to handle it. I thought that was pretty interesting...with that being said, I guess theres a reason why babies teeth when they are babies and I dont' know of anyone who remembers the suffering do you? However, yes, I think she could be miserable from it. I also think that disciplining is so hard. We are so concerned with "teaching" our children right from wrong that sometimes the way we go about it loses the lessons. I found that with my son anyway. Power struggles to the MAX. I am trying to just be positive, redirect, ignore bad behaviors and just focus on the positives. Also ATTENTION...whenever my son was bad (before the age of 3) if he was "acting up" I'd just stop what was going on and pay 100% attention to him, hug him, kiss him love and it seemed to help. A friend told me that kids just want attention and thats why they do things - good and bad and that even negative attention is attention and sometimes that gets the most response. So I try to keep that in mind - it is NOT EASY b/c I've always look at my son through an adults eyes, but the few times I was able to step outside of myself I have to say that the tactics did seem to work.