Throwing Objects at Others When Not Wanting to Share

I am also them mother of a 2 1/2 year old boy. My son had been throwing quite a bit. I learned that "time out and redirection" didn't work for it. I honestly got tired of taking the time to put him in the corner. "you hit you sit" is still the philosophy, but I sit him down right where he is and move away anything he might throw. I simply say "no throwing" as I'm setting him down. Seems to work so far.
Good luck

I have 2 boys ages 18 years and 6 months. I made lots of mistakes with my first one and now I feel like I have a second chance. I bought "Dare To Discipline" by Dr. James Dobson. Wonderful book, I highly recommend it.

I am married and work outside the home. I am blessed my son does not go to daycare. I work days my husband works at night so my son has mommy and daddy 24/7.

Hey N.! I can relate to having a 2 1/2 year old that makes bad choices now and then, since I am a mom to one.

Do you and the day care center use "I feel" statements with your son? These are very big in the elementary schools and I feel they can be just as effective with toddlers. Here is what I do if my 2 1/2 year old hits. First, while I feel redirection is effective in most cases, when hitting or physically hurting another person (like his older sister) come into play, my son receives an automatic time-out. Children are very perceptive and to me a redirection in this case is seen by the child as a "freebie" (meaning I get to hit again before I get punished). For time-outs, I use the "minutes in time-out = age of toddler" and because he is two years old, he gets, at the most, two minutes whereas my four-year-old gets four (at the most--depending on the bad choice she made), and I don't plan to go past five minutes--even if they are six years old.

After the time-out, I talk a bit with my son using "I feel" statements, such as, "How do you think you made your sister feel when you hit her?" or "How does it feel if someone hits you?" We are a Christian family, so God often comes into the picture as well ("How does God feel when he sees you hitting?"). It may seem that your son is too young for this, and maybe he is, but my philosophy (in many cases) is "How will they ever learn, if we don't teach them?" If he is old enough to hit, then he is old enough to understand that hitting is wrong as well as the emotions tied with hitting.

Finally, my son always has to apologize to the person he hit (even if it's one of his parents!) by saying, "Sorry (genuinely) for hitting," and giving that person a hug.

While I can't say that my son never hits, he definitely knows the consequences (and emotions) that go along with hitting, and I feel this causes him to hit less.

Hopefully this was helpful! My apologies for it being so lengthy (I'm just a detail-oriented person by nature).

Sincerely,
D.
(wife and mom to 3 children)

N.-

My 2 1/2 year old little girls gets frustrated too sometimes and "releases" by throwing, or yelling or sometime scratching. In fact I just had an incident this morning with her older sister. This is how I handle it. First comfort the "victim" this is who deserves the attention at the time. Then tell my 2 1/2 year old she is going to the naughty chair. I have her see how her sister is and ask "is she happy or sad?" I want her to learn that her action has caused something to happen and it isn't something good. Then I ask who mader your sister sad and how? My daugther is able to understand what I am asking and respond. Then after I tell her she needs to make this better. She sits in the "naughty:" chair for a couple minutes and apologizes. I do explain to my little one that I understand she was frustrated and I ask if she can tell me what made her mad. She often can do this. Then I give her ideas of how to better handle her frustration. One of which is to come get mommy. (In your little boys case he should get his teacher.) By doing this, I am acknowledging my 2 1/2 year olds feelings and not causing her further frustration.

Our toddlers are learning so much at this time, but still are limited by vocabulary and age to express themselves. So getting frustrated can be easy. Good luck. Be sure to follow up with how day care is handling situations at school and share how you are at home so you are on the same page.

Kathy (mother of 4)

When my 5 year old was a toddler if he had something that he wasn't suppose to have and you asked if he could give it to you, he would throw it. He did this for about 4 months. It was very frustuating and obviously a phase. It was his way of saying I want this item and I don't want you to have it, so if I can't have it...I am going to get rid of it. He often did it with toys of his older brothers. A couple of times we lost fragile items. We didn't really do anything other that the things that you are doing already. Redirecting and timeouts. He really just out grew it. Hang in there. Boys are great. Mine are 10,5 and 19 months.

Redirection deals with the symptom - hitting - but not with the cause - selfishness. Time outs, in my opinion, just allow children to stew over what they perceive as a bigger person telling them they can't do what they want to do. It's fuel on the fire, especially with little ones, because they don't have the experience and ability to analyze why they are in trouble and come to a conclusion that changed behavior is of benefit to them. Parents (and other authority figures) in a child's life must instill in them right and wrong. There are a million different ideas on how to do this, but I hightly recommend What the Bible Says About Child Training, by Fugate. He gets to the heart of selfishness - which is rebellion against authority, something inbred in all people - and gives practical ideas on how to rechannel that energy. Highly intelligent children are the most challenging to parent (in my opinion) because they do use their limited intellectual abilities sooner and more intensely, looking for ways to get around authority. This is not necessarily because they desire to misbehave, but because it comes naturally, and that nature has to be rechanneled to a positive direction. Children may outgrow certain behaviors, but they do not outgrow selfishness (just look around at society. There are a lot of examples of undisciplined "children" in their 40's and 50's!). Ultimately, day cares, schools, etc. are not equipped nor do they have the authority to do what must be done to completely rechannel rebellion to obedience. Only the immediate family, and the parents (or other primary caregivers) can do that effectively.

SAHM of seven, 23 yrs - 17 mos, several of them very self-directed :)
The only one that still throws things when he doesn't get his way is the toddler, and we're working on him!

I know one of the things that many do is to have your child walk up to the other child that was involved, give them a hug and "say" sorry to that child. Some kids talk well at that age...others do not, but it's the gesture and motion that matters. I don't know if hugging is accepted there or not, but it seems to work because it involves the offending child in the matter a lot more and gives them a "hands on" consequence for their actions. I use this sort of method even with my pre-teens. I make them walk up to the person they offended, look them eye to eye and make them apologize, then sit with them and explain what could have happened and what should have been done instead of hurting the other person or throwing things, etc.

I am a single mother of 4 children ages 18 months, almost 5, 8 and almost 11.

T. D.

Calling a meeting to discuss your 2 1/2 year old's behavior after one incident? That sounds like over reacting to me. If it's just the daycare center's policy, I guess you run through the motions, sign the paperwork, and move on. It's maybe a good thing that they take throwing incidents seriously. However, if they want to go further and discuss a "behavior plan" to "help with your child's behavior", that is where I'd want to put on the breaks. There is no "pattern" of behavior here from what you described. So, I don't think a plan is necessary or appropriate for addressing your child's behavior. There should still be consequences of course. However, I'm not sure what they expect of you in this situation. I don't think you're bad parents or that your 2 1/2 year old child has emotional/behavioral problems because he threw a toy. Maybe that isn't what the daycare center is implying though.
As far as what to do differently, our son is close in age to your child. Sometimes, we take away a favorite toy when he's naughty at daycare. Some would argue that toddlers/preschoolers are too young to understand this kind of consequence. However, he seemed to get the message and could verbalize why the toy was put out of reach for the evening. Plus, we only had to do that a couple of times and the behavior stopped (the boy loves his tractors and fire trucks!). So, I'd say he understood what was going on. At the time, I was sure my son was acting out of the need for power and control. So, this consequence seemed to work for him. If he was looking for attention, I don't think taking a toy away would have been effective. Oh the fun games we get to play trying to interpret our children's behavior! I'm sure things will be fine for you and this phase will pass.

Good luck!

I work in a church nursery and although it's frustrating this is very normal behavior for a 2-year-old. There are some good children's books that address appropriately channeling the anger. Some of them come in board book editions for the younger kids. Some of the titles include: "When I Feel Angry," "Teeth are not for Biting," "Hands are not for Hitting," and "Feet are not for Kicking." I don't know if there is one about throwing. Reading some of them to him might be helpful. This is developmentally appropriate behavior at his age so although the daycare center has to make sure other children don't get hurt it also doesn't seem appropriate to kick him out for that at his age. Maybe he would do better in a smaller setting or a daycare with fewer children or a lower student to teacher ratio? I find in the church nursery that the kids have more problems with hitting and throwing when the nursery is more crowded or when we don't have as many helpers. Good luck.

Work on communication!

When he's upset have him repeat this or something similar....

Are you (mad,sad,angry,happy choose a feeling) and he'll say YES and say ok well go tell so and so why your mad or whatever the feeling is. Or validate their feelings and say oh I understand why your mad because you wanted the fire truck and then explain why he has to take turns I used this tactic in a daycare I worked at and it works wonders.

Help him put a feeling word to his feelings so he can effectively communicate.

My 2 year old boys is doing the same thing. I'd like to think it is a phase, but of course I just want the behavior to stop. I have tried to enforce a no throwing rule in the house. We have some soft balls and those are OK to throw only if you are playing catch. He often throws toys when he is upset or frustrated and if there is an innocent bystander (my other son) He gets hit. When we do have an incident I make him apologize and hug, sometimes kiss the boo boo too. It makes him realize that toys can really hurt if they hit someone. He has started throwing toys less often, but still does it on occassion. I also try to tell them he can hurt the toys and if it breaks we need to throw it away.

I stress to my boys (5yrs, 3yrs & 5mos) "Use your words". I encourage them to express themselves verbally rather than throwing, hitting, etc. If they hit or throw, I tell them to "use your words, use your voice to show you're mad," and sit them in time-out.
Best of luck.

My son did the same thing. 2 1/2 is pretty young to really understand the concept of sharing, thus this is why redirection is probably tried... but in my opinion, it just left my son confused and still angry. I use to let him be angry, as I felt like he needed to release and express himself, but tried to teach him how to be angry if that makes sense. I too would give a time out, however I would go with him to help calm him down and teach him to breath deeply, talk and regroup. Of coarse, did this always work... heck no... so I would say if he continued I would have to leave the room and then leave for 2 mins. and come back and start over again always ending in a hug. It is so hard at that age as they can really only see that they had something and why do they have to give it to someone else when they are having fun. But with that said ...maybe when/ if you seem him throw stuff at home... yell at him and send him to his room swiftly so he understands that this is really bad. Also something that might nelp is to make sure that you are consistent with what is being done b/w the daycare and at home. I know that when my son was acting up in school, they tried the redirect and soft approach... this didn't work for my son. A firmer approach had to happen. Firm voice, time out, and once he was able to calm down and "talk" then redirect.

Sharing doesn't make sense to a 2 year old - everything they see is a part of themselves.

I would suggest letting him bring one thing to day care every day that he doesn't have to share - something that is his. He may be able to put it into perspective when he can see that all the things at day care belong to everyone but that his ____ belongs only to him and he doesn't have to share it if he doesn't want to.

I would be very clear with the day care center about why you have sent him with something personal. Even if he has to keep it in his cubby or backpack, at least he knows it is there and can go over and look at it, or bring it to nap time with him. I would get clear about the rules before you offer that he could play with it...

Also, kids understand the world in terms of families. The toys at day care "live" there and are a family. Tell him that he visiting the daycare's family of toys. Have him tell you which toys are what part of the family; The daddy toys, the mommy toys, the baby toys....

He'll relate to the toys less as possessions and more as a family he is visiting if you can bring his own understanding of the world into the equation.

Time outs don't make sense to a 2 year old. Don't bother, all they are doing is making everyone crazy. Kids learn just fine without time outs... try it and you will notice that they both have the same result.

*****Important: A good daycare would rather allow a child to have his own personal toy than encourage more hitting or throwing. Obviously your son is frustrated with rigid rules already. There are plenty of pre-school/daycare settings that allow children to bring something of their own. If yours has a rule against this, I'd find something better.

I was a assistant director at the local day care for 7 years and it is normal for 2 year olds who become frustrated to throw, hit, bite and throw fits. It is their way of communicating that they are unhappy. They have yet to learn proper social behaviors and will get them soon. When they are talking well, they will learn to use their words to get their points across. We just have to help them learn that social behavior. The day care probably has a policy that they let you know what has happened at school that day. We use to report that to the parents who did the hurting and to the parents who's child was hurting, along with how it was handled (time out and ice on the owie) 2 year olds don't interact as much as older children when they play. They will play next to each other, but not really together. Asking a 2 year old to share something he has is like asking him to give part of his arm away. They don't understand. It is better to let him play with his toy and when he is done, the other can play with it. If they are teaching sharing, it is better to do it when there is more then one item, like blocks. That way they still have some and don't mind the other having some. Don't think that he isn't thriving at the day care because of this incident. Just work with him on correcting the bad behavior and teach him how to contain his anger. If he is talking tell him instead of losing it he could say "I am angry!" When kids at the day care where I worked would hurt someone, we would have them appoligize and help fix the owie by holding the ice on it for them. It teaches compassion and that they caused the owie. Work on the anger issues at home and they will work on the others at day care. Also watch how you and your husband handle things when you get angry. They really do learn what they live. My husband is one who would get mad at something and throw it(not at anyone or anything). My daughter once said "why does dad do that when he knows he is going to have to fix it afterwards." Soon he will be well adjusted to sharing and interacting positively with other children.

It's a phase and he'll be over it before you know it, just continue with what you are doing.

If that daycare center is considering kicking a 2 1/2 year old out of their facility for throwing toys and occasionally being too physical with others, they do not know much about children that age. I hope you are able to stress to the director and the educators there that he is experiencing a normal and critical phase in early childhood development, perhaps even having on hand copies of published articles by professionals who study this. Hopefully they are not going to be condescending towards you and ask questions like, "is everything okay at home?" or, "do you hit him?". If that should arise, I would be inclined to ask if they are looking to be part of the solution or part of the problem. I hope they are wishing to troubleshoot with you in a respectful manner and work with you and your son to help him and the others there through this difficult time. Then again, they may be at fault for not having enough educators/aides available for the children in the classroom. In other words, the ratio may suck and your kid could be feeling stress from that. I hope you have a friendly meeting with them and they give you all the details to the incident because you are certainly the one entitled to that report. Good luck. By the way, I have to question why they would not have given you a detailed summary of the incident immediately so you could begin addressing his behavior (in regards to the incident) as quickly as possible from your end. That is definitely something to ponder at the meeting, aloud--and with the staff meeting with you. I also hope you make them aware that you intend to start doing more "drop-ins" (i.e., unannounced spot checks at daycare) so you can monitor his progress in the upcoming weeks and to see what type of support he is receiving at the daycare where you pay for him to attend. Hopefully they are looking to build on his strengths, not harp on his weaknesses (not that he's got any--he sounds like a good boy trying to be a normal 2 1/2 year old).

I am having the same problem with my 19 mo. old, Gordi. In our case I think it's because we have been throwing footballs, basketballs, etc. and that he hasn't yet differentiated between throwing a ball and throwing toys. Gordi (too) is extremely bright, a leader, and loved by everyone, including his daycare. Gordi gets so excited that he has not yet learned to restrain himself as this is his way of expressing his excitement. Gordi also has an inclination to bite as he believes that he's "kissing".

I share your pain and sincerely hope that this is just a phase that he will quickly outgrow :(

Hang in there!

J.

I have a 2 1/2 year old as well and I see so much of that type of behavior in his peers. We are dealing with other challenging behaviors with our son and it feels awful as a parent. Embarassing, disappointing, scary, etc. Just know that this stuff is normal. Kids our age are still dealing with a lack of impulse control, this is normal. It will pass! Communicate as best you can with him. Let him know what is right and wrong, and repeat, repeat, repeat. Eventually, as he matures, he will be just fine.

The Center HAS to go through their process for liability reasons. I'm sure if another child made yours bleed, you would want it addressed. Maybe they can give you some ideas to address his behavior, and things THEY can do to prevent it.

Good luck!